What would you do with a wayward son?

That is it exactly we can only do so much and as they get older they need to learn how life works. If parents take care of the problems of their children how does the child benefit. They need to learn to take care of themselves and what it is to be an adult. Good luck!

Thank you for sharing that, Ithink. It sounds like you have had your share of heartache and then some! My son was diagnosed with ADHD but, fortunately, outgrew the hyperactivity. It's hard going through life with ADD, but there are ways to work around it. I learned; he can, too. I make notes and leave them everywhere! You're right, it's up to him. I've done all I could for him. It breaks my heart to know that he's been using me (and others), though. Family is really important to me. He's just bound and determined to be the 'black sheep'. He's going to have to be the black sheep alone, though. I'm finished. Until he proves to me that he's changed, I'm just going to try to put him in the back of my mind. He's on his own. You can only do so much, right?

I am a trained counsellor (7years of university) and I have a son just like that and I have diabetes, thyroid problems, high blood pressure, arthritis and fibromyalgia.

Thanks for understanding, winterose. Yes, I worry about him. Not to the point of making myself sick, at least not normally. This stress has made my resistance take a plunge, apparently, because I feel physically awful! I have fibromyalgia, as you know, and this stress is wreaking havoc on my body right now. After reading what everyone has said so far, I know what I have to do. It hurts me because I have a very loving and giving (as well as forgiving) nature and my son has been taking advantage of that. I'll just have to keep my ex-husband in the front of my mind. My son is EXACTLY like him! I asked a church counselor once if personalities were inherited and he said yes, from what he's witnessed, they certainly can be inherited. So, keeping THAT in mind, I'll have to do with my son what I did with his father... 'divorce' him, at least until he shapes himself up, if that ever happens. Thank you for your concern and input. It really is helping me to put things into perspective and separate my heart from my head. I know what I have to do now.

If you're talking about me getting the professional help, I've already received it... from you guys! After reading and seeing all the caring, experience and advice from everyone here, I've gained the strength I need to cut my son off completely, money-wise. I'll still offer him advice, but nothing more. I'm able to see this situation from another's perspective. I can separate my heart from my head now and know what has to be done. Yeah, it hurts, but I know that it is the only way to make my son see the light IF he ever sees it. If I never hear or see him again, I guess that's just the way it has to be. I know I'm right in cutting him off so I won't feel guilty any longer! The ball is in his court now. If he wants to shape up and start giving back now instead of just taking and taking, I know that everyone involved will be happier, himself included. Thank you for your advice and concern. It is very much appreciated.

The tone of your response has changed...you seem to be a little bit stronger and I see some determination within you. Maybe if your son sees you change...he will change too. I know that's a big call but think about the endless possibilities for you to shine....it just might be the one thing your son needs. Hugs and good luck to you. Remember your friends are here if you want to talk.

At this point, MsTickle, I don't really care if he resents me or not. I've done what I could to help him. He took advantage of my heart and I can clearly see that now. I'm able to step back and see this situation as a stranger would see it. I can see where he's been using and manipulating me. I have never liked nor tolerated people like him. My love for him had me blinded for awhile but I can see very clearly now. No, I don't want him to need me. I'm so very happy that my other son is on his own and is very independent. He rarely calls me but that's okay. I have my own life to get on with and I'm tired of it being interrupted by my youngest son. He's old enough now to take care of his own medical conditions and should have learned how to deal with his ADD by now! I'm not going to feel guilty any longer! I've done what I could for him. I raised him to be able to take care of himself. I will give him advice if he asks but nothing else. If I never hear from or see him again, that's just the way it's going to have to be. Thanks to you and all the wonderful people here at myLot, I've gained the strength and insight I've needed to deal with this situation the way it SHOULD be dealt with. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. Thanks, again, MsTickle.

Thank you, ahgong. You truly seem to understand the situation I have with my son. He is safe and sound for now, but I never know when to believe him anymore when he tells me that he needs money for food. I went through a very hungry period in my life myself, but mine was due to physical problems and surgery after surgery, making me unable to work. I can understand hunger, but I cannot tolerate lies or laziness. He is fully capable of working... always has been. I'm leaning towards doing exactly as you suggest and just letting him be. I'm going to buy him the bus ticket to get to his friend's house, then washing my hands of the situation. I will be here for emotional support if he asks for it but, other than that, he's got to stand up and take responsibility for himself. I've just got to steel myself against his sob stories and stop feeling guilty when he calls with the next one. Again, thank you so much for your input and understanding.

Hmm... you are most welcome. Glad to be able to... erm... help a little. I guess when a person is stubborn and chooses to remain stubborn, there is little we can do to help him. All we can do is show the way to the right path. And then pray in the mean time that he will walk towards the path shown to him. Have a little faith. He will come around one day. Just pray that that day will come sooner rather than later.

You are welcome. Good luck and if you think I can help out contact again and I will do what I can or try and steer you in the right direction. I also agree with many others who responded to your attempt to help your son. He needs to solve his problems on his own. As long as he can come back to you for help he will continue to do so, you are someone who loves him, someone he is comfortable with and someone he has been successful getting help. It will be interesting to see what happens when he is left to his own devices to solve his problems. I hope he surprises all of us and has some success. Good luck and God bless you are a great mother who is dealing with a very difficult challenge.

This is a very positive sign that your son is going to take the steps to improve his life. I am excited for you. There may be bumps in the road but I am sure that if he is making every effort he can there will be more people willing to help him than not. Take care - and good luck - thanks for updating me.

Thank you SO MUCH kolleen! I'm going to look into that once he gets to Virginia. I bought him the bus ticket because I had told him I would before I posted this discussion. He'll be in Virginia on November 1, if all goes well. (I purposely bought a 'non-refundable' ticket so he couldn't cash it in.) I'm definitely going to look into Virginia's Department of Rehab to see what they can offer him. He might just go for it this time since his 'unlimited source of funds' is off-limits for good now. His friend, whom he is going to visit in November, is apparently a 'wanna-be' musician and 'works' from home. He has the ability to get my son to wherever he needs to go in order to get the help he so desperately needs. Again, thank you for this great advice. It's the best pro-active answer I've received and you deserve the best response! Thanks again!

I'm glad it worked for you. Because of the responses like yours and all the support I've been shown here, I know what I have to do. Thank you for your story and advice. I'm going to buy him that bus ticket to his friend's house ONLY because I told him I would. After that, he's on his own. If he wants to visit me, he'll have to get a job, earn the money and get a bus or his driver's license. He's always talking about buying a beat-up car and fixing it up (probably thinking that I'll buy him one), but never talks about getting his driver's license! That's just one more reason I say he's just like his father. His father is currently driving without a license and has done so many, many times in his life. The last time we talked on the phone, I told him that he could get his friend to teach him how to drive so he could get his license. I doubt he'll do it, though, because that sounds too much like doing something for himself! Anyway, the bank is closed. He'll get nothing but advice from me from this point on. I can now see him from a different perspective (as a non-involved observer) and can see what he's been doing. It has stopped now Don't worry, I'm strong. I've gotten strength through my myLot family. I even emailed my son the link to this discussion so he can see for himself what he's been doing. Who knows? It might help, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Thanks again for your input and advice. It IS being heeded.

If he's telling you and your other son different things, then he too doesn't know what he wants either. Looking into program information may help you more than him at this point. I would think there are support groups that you could take part in too.

I just don't know what he wants anymore. He says things to me and I offer advice and give him all the information I can to help with whatever problem seems to be the most pressing at the time. Then, I learn that he talks to his brother in a completely different light, like he's not taking anything seriously at all. Once he's in Virginia, I'll look into programs like the one you mentioned and see if there's anything that could help him. I've mentioned Social Services to him but, up until now, he's refused that idea. He might change his mind soon since the Bank of Mom is closed for good. Thanks for the great advice and the hugs, CanadaGal! They're all very much appreciated!

Good on you MM, we are all here to help as best we can and I am glad that you have found the advice and help you needed in this hour...hugs littleowl

Thank you for your story and words of advice, littleowl. They are very much appreciated and WILL be heeded. Thanks to all the great people here, I've gotten the strength I need to say no. My son will no longer be getting any more of my support, except for emotional support and advice when he asks for it. I'm so thankful for you guys! I have no one else I can turn to for strength and you've all shown me how wonderful our little community really is. The bank is closed. It's up to him now.

Hi, patms1. My son appears to be turning himself around. I told him that I was not going to help him anymore, but I'd be here for him if he wanted or needed emotional support. He got angry initially but now seems to be using his head for the first time in his life! He's moving in with his brother on Nov. 1. He has rules he must abide by or be thrown out and he knows and understands this. He must be responsible and able to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself within 6 months or be out on the street. He's to get a job, his G.E.D. and his driver's license in those 6 months. He's also responsible for cleaning up his brother's house and keeping it clean, until he gets a job. Then the housecleaning will be shared equally with his brother. He will have a time limit on the internet and will not have access to a telephone until he can buy one of his own and maintain the bills. I've told him that the first thing he's going to do is apply to Social Services to see where they can help him (education, food, whatever) so he won't be sponging off of his brother until he starts getting a regular paycheck. He's going to learn the bus routes so he won't be asking his brother or me for rides anywhere until he gets his driver's license. So, my fingers are crossed! I hope he does it. I now have the strength, thanks to the wonderful myLotters who've responded here, to put my foot down and not help him out with money or anything else he needs, except advice.

I will never forget this discussion, since I love my mother verry much. I'm a father of four their very young, I will difinitely lead them to the right direction, but if they wo'nt follow it their decisions. Like you I love my children, but sometimes too much love can lead an abuse. You always take care and pray HE'S your best armour .

Thank you, omar. I am able to do that now; separate my heart and my head. I will not be sending my son any more money nor will I pay any more of his bills. You are right, he IS old enough to know how to take care of himself. He needs to straighten out and stop blaming others for his shortcomings. As far as illegal dealings, I hope he doesn't fall into that, either! But, it's up to him now to do what is necessary. He's smart enough to figure things out on his own and I'm tired of him trying to manipulate me like a puppet. He's hurt my heart and he knows it, yet he continues to do it. He's not a nice person and I don't like him very much right now. I love him, I always will love him, but I just don't like him right now. He'll get advice from me if he wants it but nothing more. Not one single penny. He's forced me to make this decision and, thanks to you wonderful people here at myLot, I've been able to get the strength of will that I needed to do it. Thank you for caring, Omar.

I believe you are on the right path. I saw pics of you, and you are a lovely lady, do not put your marriage in jeopardy for a son that is not grateful. I am sorry you are going through this, and I hope things get better. (And for your ex, I hope either him or his lady learn something quick) You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I've been disabled!!! I'm happy to say that, thanks to all the advice, stories, empathy and understanding I've been shown in this discussion, I'm strong enough now to stop helping him. Yep, the Bank of Mom is closed for good! He's on his own now. I'll provide advice, love and encouragement, but nothing more. Not even a gift that I know he could sell for money. He's already lost an apartment full of things he got from me and my mother's estate. I can see much clearer now. It hurts because I know he's been using and manipulating me all these years. I don't like him much right now. I hope I'll see a change in him one day, but I won't be holding my breath. Thanks so much, Lady. Your words of wisdom are very much appreciated!

Thank you, fasttalker! Your two cents is worth THOUSANDS in counseling fees! I'm so sorry for your sister, but even more for YOU. You aren't blinded and can clearly see the pain that your sister's son is causing. Fortunately, my eyes and ears are open. I know what my son is doing to himself. It just hurts so badly to love someone who insists on making stupid decisions and hurting those who love and care about him. Thanks to you and everyone else who has responded here, I'm feeling stronger and more able to hold back my emotions regarding my son. I'm going to force my head to take over where my heart has been trying to go. You're right. He's going to get angry, but that's better than prison! His anger has no foundation; mine does! I've just got to get angry and the situation and do what I'd do if he were a stranger... ignore him. Thanks again for your 'two cents'. I couldn't put a price on the caring and support you've shown.

Teenage angst. Just another thing to blame, eh? I hope your brother straightens out and can see what he needs to do in order to become a productive and responsible adult and never EVER tries to use or manipulate those who love him.

That is terrible. My younger brother is having trouble and all he says is that it is teenage angst

Thank you, Celanith. He's old enough now to take himself into a shelter. I've told him to go to any church if he's hungry or homeless. They can help him to find a place to eat and stay. I'm also not going to give him any more money or pay any more of his bills. He's shown me that he isn't trying to do even the tiniest little thing to help himself, so I'm not going to lift a finger to help him, either. I'll be here if he wants advice and I will always continue to love him, but that's it as far as what he's going to get from me. Thanks again for your kind words and advice.

Nah, you don't sound mean. You're giving me good, sound advice and I truly appreciate it, Deb. No, he never bothered to get his G.E.D. He's never even expressed a desire to! I tried in vain to get him to go to night classes to get his G.E.D. I doubt he could get into the military because he has allergy-related asthma. He got 5 years of allergy shots and he's much better than he used to be, but he still wheezes a lot. He's been playing me for a sucker and I can clearly see that now. He's used his medical conditions to his advantage. He's blamed me for not continuing high school. I'm sick of playing his game now. Thanks to you and all the other great people here who've given me the strength and understanding that I needed, I'm able to look at this situation as an outsider, separating my heart from my head. The bank is closed. He gets nothing but advice from me from now on. It hurts, sure, but I know it needs to be done. Don't worry, I won't go all soft again... this time he's made me physically ill (caught a cold from the stress) and I just won't tolerate his antics any longer. Thank you so much, Deb, for your concern, strength and advice. It WILL be heeded.

Thank you, singout. You know, I have that phrase framed somewhere. I'll have to dig it out and hang it up... seems to be needed a lot recently! My son is a walking contradiction. I just don't know what to make of him. When he has a job, he works his butt off! Whenever he would come here for a visit, he'd roll up his sleeves and help me with whatever I needed help with (gardening, rearranging, whatever). As soon as he's back on his own, though, he just gets right back into that party animal mode. Sigh! Maybe a letter is in order. I know how to write a letter. Pour out your feelings and thoughts then hold on to it awhile; reading it over and over, just to be sure you've said what you want to say and not go off on a tangent or say things you'll regret later. A letter would be something he could see, touch, feel. Somehow, it makes the words seem more 'real', at least to me it does. At least he did give me his latest address. Thank you! I'm going to write him a letter. I don't care what the experts say. A doctorate doesn't necessarily make you right! I'm going to read your poem right away. Thank you for taking the time to share it with me and for being a good friend.

Oh, no, Hatley, I've NEVER told him that! I've never even THOUGHT about saying anything like that until now. I never told him he was like his father, nor did I ever tell him I wish he was more like his brother! Actually, until this recent move to New York, I've always leaned toward the opposite direction and told him that I can see him being quite successful one day because he is so intelligent and creative. I've never said anything bad about his father to him at all, either. He hadn't seen or heard from his father since he was 7 years old until last year. He really didn't even know what his father was like until last year, after accidentally 'meeting' his half-sister online! All those other things you mentioned, about what to tell him now, that's what I've been saying to him over and over again. I've told him how proud I'd be to see that he was trying to do his best. I've told him that he could be proud of any job he found, when he claimed to be having a hard time finding a job, as long as he did his best. I haven't even "lit into him"... yet. He hasn't given up. You can't give up what you never tried in the first place! The ONLY reason I can come up with for the way he acts is genetics. Like I said, he hadn't seen his father for almost 20 years, yet his facial expressions are exactly like his father's. They smile the same, they laugh the same, they can look you in the eye and LIE the same! He's known all his life how I feel about lying, cheating, stealing, etc. When he stole a piece of penny candy from a local, family-run store, I marched him right back there and made him give it back. I didn't spank him or tell him he was just like his father... making him hand that candy back was punishment enough for a 5-year-old! I wouldn't even NAME my sons after their father. I've always believed that each baby born is very unique and should have his own name. I've never talked about his father in a negative way. I figured that, if he ever bumped into his father again, he'd learn the truth on his own, and he did. The first time I EVER spoke to my son about his father that way was AFTER he had met him and told me how disappointed he was by him. I then sat down with my son and told him why I divorced his father. He's always seen me work hard. I worked from home for the majority of his childhood. He could SEE me working and knew what it took to earn a living and 'get the job done' to pay the bills. Yes, I saw him becoming more and more like his father once my son got into his teens. I saw him starting to blame others for his mistakes. I talked to him every single time he did this to let him know why and how he made his mistake. I tried to warn him about the friends he was making. He ONLY got into trouble when he was with his so-called 'friends'. I talked with him about when it was time to stop partying and take care of business. Responsibility always comes first... that's something I tried to impress on him over and over again as he was growing up. But, no matter what I did, I saw him heading down the same exact path his father has taken in life. It wasn't until AFTER I helped to bail him out several times and AFTER I spent all my savings on him and AFTER I found out he's been lying to me over and over again that I began to get upset with him. He's even stolen things from me. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered where certain 'somethings' went, only later to find them in my son's room or just lying around somewhere once he had his own apartment. I was taking him home after a visit once, helping with some bags of things that I had given him, and found several things in a bag that I had NOT given him and were not his to take. No, he 'became' his father without me ever saying a bad thing about him and without him even KNOWING his father. The church counselor I was seeing (after I had had a miscarriage) told me that he believed personalities could be inherited. I have living proof that they can. I don't plan to 'light into him', either. I've never believed in yelling. People tend to close themselves off when things are being screamed at them. I'm going to calmly tell him like it is. He's hurt me terribly with his lies, with his blaming others and for not trying the least little bit to help himself. I'm hoping that it will have an impact, but I can't hold my breath. He recently told me how disappointed he is with his father. I only intend to tell him he's acting just like his father in the hope that he'll see how he's behaving and how much he's hurting everyone who cares about him. I know he doesn't like his father and I hope he'll actively try to stop being like him. I will also tell him that he doesn't have to be or act this way... he can change if he wants to, but the only way he's ever going to make it in this world is if he does it himself. Oh, and his latest move to New York? He told ME that he moved there because he had nowhere else to go. He told his BROTHER that he moved there because of a girl. He told ME he was living with 3 other males. He told his BROTHER that he was living there with the girl, only. He even had the nerve to tell me the NAMES of these 3 fictitious males when I asked. After all I've done for him and believed him, he chooses to continue to lie to me. He KNOWS how much I detest liars. I guess, because he's fooled me so many times before, that he thinks he can keep on doing it, even after I've called him on it. Sorry, just had to let you know that I never compared him to anyone else before in his life. But thanks for your input. I do appreciate it.

You are so very right, celtic. I have to turn my back on him now. It's up to him. I won't be bailing him out any longer. Thanks to you and everyone else here, I've been able to sort through everything and separate my heart from my head. When my son calls again, I'll tell him that he either finds a job and starts to take responsibility for himself or he'll just have to go begging somewhere else. Then, close my eyes and my ears and hope for the best. Thank you. I knew I could count on my myLot family for advice and strength. You've made me feel better.

I can see that now. My heartstrings were getting all mixed in with my brain. Thanks to all of you guys, I can clearly see things as they really are. I actually had thought about that yesterday... How did he get to New York? Yep, if he could do that on his own, he can take care of himself from this point on. Bank of Mom is closed... gone out of business. I'll give him advice, but nothing more. If he shows me, PROVES to me that he's doing all he can for himself, I'll help him to get his G.E.D., if that's what he wants. He hasn't up til now. We'll see. The ball's in his court now and I've got my eyes open for any signs of doing the right thing. If I don't see any signs, if I never see or hear from him again, that's just the way it's going to have to be. He's intelligent. If he can't figure out that I'm doing this for his own good then it will be his loss. Thank you so much for your story, understanding, advice and encouragement. It means a lot to me. You guys have given me the strength I need to stand firm. Again, thanks so much!