Friend's drama
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
October 27, 2008 2:49pm CST
I have this friend I met over the internet awhile ago. We had a lot in common when we first met, but now we don't talk so much anymore.
Awhile back her boyfriend had an affair and cheated on her. The girl he cheated on her with became pregnant. She forgave him, and decided to wait and see if the baby would be his or not, but stayed with him.
Now I know this is a personal choice, but it is not a choice that I necessarily agree with. I personally would have left and never looked back, but she chose to stay. Knowing my stand on the situation, she still discussed the matters with me, which I found uncomfortable. Basically I had no idea what to say to her because I couldn't sympathize with her.
Well, we lost touch for awhile, but today she sent me a message. The baby was born, and her boyfriend is the father. All she's doing is complaining about how often the mom calls her boyfriend, over every little thing the baby does, and how it's getting on her nerves. She can't stand the baby's mom, calls her all sorts of bad names. Now she's not so sure she wants to stay with the boyfriend, but says for now she will at least until after the holidays "for the kid's sake".
What do you say to a friend who is telling you things like this when you don't agree with them? The only thing that came to my mind when she called the baby's mom a nasty name was that she is placing all the blame on this girl when her boyfriend is just as much to blame. But of course I am trying to be nice and not say that. I basically just kept my mouth shut and didn't say a word. What I want to do is tell her this guy isn't worth it anymore, and she needs to leave and let him be a dad to his baby.
What would you say if this was a friend telling you all of this? Could you be sympathetic or would you tell her to leave him?
2 people like this
12 responses
@redkathy (3374)
• United States
28 Oct 08
First, it's her boyfriend and NOT husband. That in itself speaks volumes! Secondly you say she wants to wait until after the holidays for the kids sake. Is this her kids and is the boyfriend the father? If the answer is yes her kids and no not his, this is one irresponsible girl! I would probably nicely say what I thought and end up loosing the friend. The real concern here should be all these kids with no stable parents!!! No sympathy is deserved on any part.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
They're her kids, not his. This baby he had with another woman is his first child. My friends kids are all older, one is moved out of the house, the youngest is at least high school age.
I do think she's being selfish, and honestly she's a bit too dependent on this man of hers. I feel sorry that she doesn't have the self esteem to leave him after he's done this to her. But it's her life, not mine. I just try to avoid her as much as possible now because I don't like hearing about her drama.
@redkathy (3374)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I hear what you are saying about not wanting to deal with "the drama" I'm the same way. BUT if she's really a friend I think you have to tell her and just maybe she'll understand. It might even help give her a boost if you can figure how say it right(which isn't one of my better qualities)
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
She's not a real close friend. I think yesterday was the first time we had spoken in like 9 months. Last I knew her boyfriend had just gotten out of the affair and she'd just found out... now the baby is born.
@dncmanning (770)
• United States
27 Oct 08
The two options are mutally exclusive. You can be supportive and tell her how you feel without being mean.
I think to I would remember that when we meet people online we only know what they tell us- there is a whole other world to them that we can't be a part of.
As for the boyfriend- well I agree that is really unspeakable but again at this point you only know her side of it. I do agree that she is wrong to not hold him accountable- he was the one that had a relationship with her not the other woman.
I hope you can find a way to help your friend by being open and honest with her and still offer your support and guidance.
Good luck to you.
@dncmanning (770)
• United States
27 Oct 08
I missed type
*the two options AREN'T mutally exclusive"
sorry
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
27 Oct 08
The truth is I don't want to hear about it. I don't like being wrapped up in drama, but I can't find a nice way of telling her that I don't want to hear it. She's not a very close friend anymore, just someone I occassionally chat with.
1 person likes this
@dncmanning (770)
• United States
28 Oct 08
If it truly isn't a friendship that you see growing and I think that is what you are saying- then just tell her or be too busy to chat when she's ready. Like you I'm not big on the drama scene either- so I think I know how you feel. Good luck to you.
@SukiSmiles (1991)
• United States
27 Oct 08
Well, I have a friend where I didn't agree with her actions with her boyfriend - she always had lots of drama going on with them and their kids (from their previous marriages). I got really tired of hearing it. So, I told her what I thought and would listen to her, but I wouldn't give her any advice and if she asked, I would tell her she already knows what I think. I would also steer topics of discussion away from her boyfriend so I wouldn't have to listen to it. I don't think that she should be calling the mother names, that's not going to help the situation. She should have realized that all this was could have happened in the beginning. It's hard when you only hear one side of the story too. I always would wonder what my friend's boyfriend thought. I will say that I think that postponing anything "for the kid's sake" is wrong. It just makes it harder for everyone else in the end, including the kids.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
27 Oct 08
Yes, I don't agree with much of what she's doing, and normally I'm not very polite about speaking my mind. She's seriously got the wrong idea about all of what she's going through. She's bad mouthing the mom... and sure, the mom may be an awful person, I don't know.. but if she plans on staying with her boyfriend, the mom has to be a part of her life and she'll have to deal with that.
1 person likes this
@jstmarfz (1498)
• United States
27 Oct 08
If I were in your shoe I would say what I think about her situation in a way not to offend her. If it does, then you are just trying to show her the reality of her relationship with the man. With the baby's mom calling her boyfriend, I think she can't blame her and she does not have any right to call the mom's child nasty names. She have to make decision what she have to do if she wants to stay with the guy then she have to accept the truth that her boyfriend is the father of the child of other woman.
1 person likes this
@Jezebella (1446)
• United States
27 Oct 08
I would 1 remind her that the mom didn't get pregnant on her own, and that she does need to call the baby's dad for information and to tell him things about the baby. The first few months are so crucial. Then I would remind her that it was her decision to stay with the cheating jerk and she should have thought about all of this stuff before she decided to stay with him.
@fishiesda96 (25)
• Philippines
28 Oct 08
forgive me, but i think your friend's foolish, and that she, probably unconsiousy, loves the drama. she must even be looking for it. YOU ARE TOTALLY CORRECT. why doesn't she let go and LET THIS NEW FATHER BE A FATHER TO HIS CHILD? she is in the wrong place. and her whining and complaining isn't helping either. "FOR THE KID'S SAKE", she should stop calling the mother names. AND LEAVE. if she won't,and if she will still continue with her relationship with this man, she definitely deserves to be having a life and a man like this.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Yes, I agree. But I think she has very low self esteem issues and probably doesn't think she can find another man, so any man is better than no man, at least in her opinion.
@fishiesda96 (25)
• Philippines
29 Oct 08
i see. then, i pity her. the problem is, this man definitely is a big contribution to her low self-esteem. another problem is, there is another human ife involved, the baby's. this is also a great factor to consider. the sad truth is, no one can help her mend her life, but herself and her willingness to do so. i know it's enormously tiresome, but i think the best thing to do is to listen and to empathize with her and her problems. probably eventually she'll realize the mistake she's in and do something about it.
@angelface23 (2494)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I would tell her to leave his sorry butt. It was her mistake for staying in the first place cause I bet even you knew this was going to happen. He needs to concentrate on taking care of his son/daughter and your friend needs to move on. that's probably isn't what she wants to hear but you probably should have told her from the get go. She's an online friend anyway not like you have to tell this to her face so it would make it a little easier.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Staying with him through the holidays "for the kid's sake"...... does that mean they have kids together? That changes everything in my book.
Sounds like she might need a friend. You might try saying something reminding her that your feelings are the same and then ask, do you feeling like hearing somethings that might be hard to hear or would you rather I just listen?
It would depend on how good our friendship was before I would just tell her to leave him. I would make sure she knew that someone cares enough to be a friend whatever she decides.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
No, they're her kids. The baby he had with the other woman is his first child. I think she's being selfish because she doesn't earn a lot of money, and he usually spoils her kids on the holidays. I think right now she's using him for money... but that's just my own interpretation of it.
So far as I know she doesn't really have any real friends, but she's gotten very close to his family. Her own family lives very far away. My friendship with her was never really that strong, but when we first met we shared a lot of details of our life and hardships, and had many similarities, though we've lost touch over the past months.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
28 Oct 08
Well this is kind of similar to something that nearly happened to me. My hubby was cheating, when I found out I decided to forgive him. Only a week or so later I found out she was pregnant, she had intended to do so. I made the decision to stay with him regardless, luckily for me she decided to abort. Although at the time I felt that I could cope with it, reality is my life would have been a nightmare of humiliation and torture of her dominating everything because she would have never let me have a minutes peace. With hindsight I know that I could not have handled it but at the time I felt I could, so I know what your friend is going through but she made the decision to stay with him knowing that there was a baby on the way so she has to handle what life is going to throw at her now, and the only way she can stop it is to leave because the woman is going to be in their lives for a long time to come. If I was in your shoes then I would be sympathetic to a point, but then I would remind her that it was her decision to stay and that she would have to find a way to deal with it or leave and make a new happy life for herself. I guess that is what I would have ended up having to do in the end.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I was thinking of you when I started this discussion. Of course it isn't about you, but I know you were in a similar situation.
The difference is, she is not married to this guy, and they don't have kids together. This baby he had with another woman is his first.
I understand part of your reasoning to stay was because of your children, but this isn't the case with her. She's been with this guy about 2 years maybe, but he cheated on her over 9 months ago, so they weren't together for too long before the affair. So I truly don't understand nor do I sympathize with her situation. Yours I view differently.
@camomom (7535)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I think if she really is a good friend, you need to tell her how you feel. I'd tell my friends how I feel and if they didn't like it, they shouldn't have talked to me about it in the first place. She knows where you stand and she's still bringing you into the situation. She probably wants to hear what you have to say. She may need you to tell her like it is to help her make the final decision. I think she thinks she loves him but knows that she needs to leave him. I also think it's wrong for her to blame the girl. HE cheated on her. HE screwed up. It's HIS fault. I would try to be as nice as possible and tell her how I felt.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Oct 08
She really isn't that good of a friend honestly. We used to be rather close, but I doubt we were ever close enough for her to take my advice seriously. I think she has very low self esteem to put herself through this, and she's a bit selfish. I told her a few times, especially when he first cheated that she should leave him, but she chose not to. She even spoke badly of the woman back then, and I felt the same then as I do now. I agree it's not the other woman's fault, but I think that's how she manages to stay... by placing the blame on the other girl instead of on her man.
@camomom (7535)
• United States
28 Oct 08
In that case, since she isn't that good of a friend, I wouldn't worry about it. I'd tell her how I felt and if she didn't like it, I'd drop the subject and not worry about the topic anymore. I'd tell her I didn't want to hear about it.
@mienkoos (95)
• Netherlands
28 Oct 08
You say she know's how you think about the situation. So I would just say: you know how I think about it. And then just ignore the talks about this subject. Because the only thing she needs to do is make up her own mind about what to do. Telling you everything won't change a thing in her situation and will only destract her from making a choice.
You can stay sympathetic by telling her to stop talking about it, but making up her own mind. If you tell her to leave him, you're giving her a way of escaping her own responsability of making choices.
@radcliffe (57)
• India
28 Oct 08
most of the friends today are not like as what we think.take god as your friend as he sacrificed his very life for us.who ever is trust worthy than him.
