How to deal with my mother...
@mrsgoodygoody00 (895)
United States
October 29, 2008 6:18pm CST
My mother always calls me and has something negative to say. Whenever she calls, she never really tries to find out what's going on with me, or anything. She is always complaining or saying something that she does not need to say, at least not to me. The other day, I had to tell her about herself FINALLY. I was so angry. Every time she calls she is always talking about my weight. I used to be a little bigger like 3 years ago or so, and she keeps bringing it up, and I finaally told her that it seems like she has issue with my weight, when it's of no concern to her, and it seems she likes me when I'm plump, and she even asks me all the time if I have gotten fat yet. She also tells me stuff about my sister--she practically lives in her household, she babysits her grandkids everyday. She just makes negative little comments about my sister's parenting skills, and she tells me things that she thinks my sister's bf may be doing. She tells me stuff that I think my sister would want to know, but she does not tell her, and she tells me that I cannot tell her either. She does this on every phone call so much that I don't even answer the phone, or call back sometimes. I'm expecting my first, the last thing I want is to hear this stuff rom my mother. I also feel like if she is saying this stuff about other people, then what does she say about me. I guess I can tell her that I don't want her to talk about all these negative things, but I'm afraid that she really won't have anything else to say, because when I talk about my life and great things, she practically cuts me off and quickly changes the subject to something bad again. Sorry this is so long.
4 people like this
20 responses
@jammyt (2818)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
My mom is more or less the same too. Nobody is good for her and she knows everything under the sun. She doesn't know how to say sorry or admit her mistakes. We haven't been talking for about a year now and years ago, she did the same thing to my sister and my dad. She's been like that for so long and I hardly believe she can ever change. It saddens me actually having a relationship like this with my mother. Being a mother myself now, I don't think I can see myself being like that to my daughter.
My mom never worked so she never understood the meaning of hardwork. The conflict between us starts because I work fulltime and so my daughter is in her care. My sister finally told her to keep quiet about my work because unlike her, we both have to work to make a better living so she shouldn't take it against us.
I'm sorry, I don't seem like a big help. I guess I just had to vent out too and let you know that you're not the only one with a mother like this. It's hard but consider yourself lucky, you don't live with her whereas, I live with her and we don't talk. Sheesh!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Oct 08
jammy I dont mean to negate what your are sayig about your
mom at all, but you said she doesnt understand the meaning of hardwork, what do you call taking care of your daughter all
'day so you can work, and too she has to be quite a bit older than you are, did you ever think that she might just be getting tired and stressed out. I mean she has been good enought to care for your daughter, and I bet you dont pay her a penny as yu are living with her. I know you dont get along and I shouldnt judge either but I just wondered. I mean she didnt have to take you and your daughter in ,did she? again I hope i am not stepping on toes here not knowing all the ins and outs of this.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Well I think that the best thing for you to do is to ask your sister if your mother says anything bad about you to her, and if she does I would let her know that she also says bad things about her and her bf. I wouldn't say what it was at first but I would let her know that something is being said and that it bothers you and that you felt it would be right to let her know things are being said. If she asks then is when I would tell her and only then. I also wouldn't ask her what is being said about you unless she offers it up.
This is a tough situation to be in with your own mother saying things bad about you to your face, and bad things about your sister behind her back. I hope you get it sorted out, maybe if you and your sister both tell her how you feel about the things she says then she'll realize what she says isn't being helpful but hurtful.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
1 Nov 08
She may just need someone to vent to, I know that sometimes it can be hard to find the right person to talk to when you just need a ear to listen. Praying on it is a good idea, because if anyone can help you figure out what to do or say to your mother it's him. I hope that you can get things sorted out soon, as I know it must be hard to listen to her when she says things she may not even know she's saying.
@mrsgoodygoody00 (895)
• United States
30 Oct 08
It's really hard, because I would never asscoiate with someone who talks badly about other people. I wouldn't even take the chance to get to know someone who does things that I disagree with. This is my mother, so there is nothing I can do. When I do talk to her, I don't even sound like myself. It's like I'm talking to her just to be respectful. I always get in a bad mood when I talk to her, and even for a good while after I've gotten off the phone with her. It weighs heavily on me because I'm always sitting there thinking, does she talk about me too?? And does everyone else know that she is speaking badly of them? I feel like she tells me stuff that other people may need to know too, and I don't want them telling me that I should have told them. Maybe she is just needing to vent, but she is going about it the wrong way. My mother is a good, church going woman, and so I guess I'm a little dissapointed and surprised I guess. But it's been going on for a while. I really want us to be able to talk about so many good things. I think I'll just pray on it a few times, and just end the conversation if need be if she continues to do it. I love my mother so much, there is nothing in this world that she could ever do that would make me change my love for her. But I do not look forward to her calls, and it should not be that way. I enjoy talking to her, so I hope that everything works out. I'm just not too good at telling her this, because I don't want to upset her, but it's really upsetting me.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Well, you have a few choices...you can tell her "Look, mom, all this negative talk is depressing me" and refuse to listen to it or talk to her about it. Or you could simply blow up and tell her to mind her own business (though you probably won't be speaking after that). Or you can just chalk it up to old age and ignore it.
Some ppl are like that...you won't change them. The only thing you might do is end up alienating yourself and your family from her. If it was me I'd change the subject and if she keeps talking about it, I'd just politely but firmly tell her I don't want to hear it or talk about it. She might get miffed but she'd get over it. After all, she is your mom and for whatever faults she has, I'm sure she loves you.
[b]~~IN SEARCH OF PEACE WITHIN~~
**AGAINST THE STORMS, I WILL STAND STRONG** [/b]
@kunizzul (1066)
• Malaysia
30 Oct 08
hi mrsgoodygoody00....in my religion,mom is the best person in my life no matter how bad she is...and I cannot acts rude to my mom..you should try talks softly to her.. when you have a conversation with her...try to listen to her..i know it's hard but trust me it's worth...let her know that you always love her...try to say good things about her...
@mrsgoodygoody00 (895)
• United States
30 Oct 08
No, I am not rude to my mom at all. She is a grown woman. I don't know what is possesing her to be so negative and talk crap about other people. I love my mother, she is a great person, but I don't understand why shw needs to say these things. Esp. to me. These things that she tells me about my sister's relationship seem very important. It's things that I think my sister should know about her bf. But she will not tell her, and tells me that I cannot tell her either. I care about my sister, and if her bf is a bad apple, I want her to know. I feel like I'm caught in the middle. If it was my child, and I had a feeling in my heart, or had these genuine reasons to be suspicions of him as my mother does, I would tell my daughter. I want to tell my sister because I think she needs to know, but then my mother may get mad at me, or my sister may get mad at her. I'm confused.
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
30 Oct 08
I think it is a mom thing. My mother is always negative about anything relating to me and my sister. When she's talking to me it's always about the mistakes my sister is "probably" making as a parent and I am 100% sure she says the same things to my sister about me. She has always been very judgemental towards my sister and I about our weight. She was always a heavier woman and she found a way to lose most of it(most pills). I refuse to allow my self to be on pills for my weight for the rest of my life and you know what I don't care what she says abotu my weight. Yea I know I could lose weight but it is not making me depressed I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be that supermodel. SOOOOO.... I think it is just mothers in general. They see us doing things they would never do or have done and regretted and think they need to make sure we know "how wrong it is."
I have in the past had to stop talking to my mother because of this and just recently started talking with her again and she is starting to get unbarable already. You definately need to stand up to her otherwise she will keep at it for as long as you let her.
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I went into therapy a few years ago and the first thing my theripist said was Why are you so negative? and I really was offended because I didn't think I was I was just being me. Well after a few sessions she started to help me see that I was brought up in such a negative environment that I thought what I was saying was acceptable to everyone I thought everyone thought that way.
Maybe your mother was brought up to think that way I don't know maybe she is just a meany there are people out there who know what they say hurts people and they get some kind of satisfaction out of it. My suggestion would be that as soon as your mom starts to say something negative interupt her by saying "Mom your getting nagative and I won't have that so I'm leaving" and either physically leave or just hang up the phone. Do that to her everytime and maybe she will get the hint not to be negative to you if she wants to talk to you.
@cbreeze (1205)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Hey...we might have the same mother. LOL
Seriously, I'm not sure how old your mother is, but sometimes I wonder is that negative attitude a generational thing. I love my mother dearly and I try to spend more time with her because she is getting older. I don't consider her old, she is only 65, but I don't want to take for granted that she will always be here. I try to talk positively around her. I try introducing her to positive things. I suggest more positive ways to look at things when she gets on her negative tyrades. Sometimes it's a daunting task. Sometimes it seriously gets to me and I have to step away from her to re-focus and not get negative with her. I've noticed that when I'm not alone with her, when I have one or more of my children around, she tends to be more positive. She tends to actually have fun. My daughter brought it to my attention that it was hard to be negative with more than one positive around you. Food for thought. Good luck.
@gbemoo4tyy (59)
• Nigeria
30 Oct 08
i think your mum is a caring woman . she wants the best for you! just take it cool with her ,i think she did not know how to present herself to you each time she felt like correcting you!!
@KYEEDAH1 (139)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Hey,
A lot of moms tend to be that way especially since they want the best for us. I do not think it is right for some of the negative and "insensitive" comments to come out but I do believe that our mothers move us and are not trying to hurt our feelings. Some people generally do not know how to make their points without being frank about things like weight issues, etc. For some strange reason people tend to feel that by constantly mentioning something like weight concerns, it would motivate you to change it. I do not think that people n general, and maybe not your mom either,realize that the opposite usuallty happens. It becomes very discouraging to change your weight, for instance,because all you tend to hear is nag nag nag andnegative, negative, negative. Maybe you can really have a heart to heart about this to express your concerns. After all, you only have one mom.
@Carpathian (582)
• United States
30 Oct 08
No problem on the length. I think your mother might have a problem. Some mothers are like that and I don't see why. If you feel you are happy with your life. Then, I would just look her in the eye and say,"Look my mother told me once if you don't have nothing nice to say then don't say nothing at all!" And, don't let her interupt you. If she does then just keep repeating it until she gets it. Then, walk away. Don't talk to her when she talks bad about someone. Just listen when she talks good. If she starts talking bad find something else to do, go to the bathroom. Hang-up the phone. What ever it takes she will get the point. Eventually, that if she talks bad you are not listening. And, keep at it, don't give in. My mother tends to ask me if I am fat or something not nice. I change the subject like she never said it. And, I keep doing it until she see's that I will not respond to bad talking. It works when you get persistance. And, she knows I can be persistance. Good luck! And, stand by how you feel or one day it may be your kids asking you why grandma says the mean things.
@sitharama111 (50)
• United States
30 Oct 08
hey mothers are like that. They just care a lot about you. So just cool down and relax. Try telling here nicely to stop or just ignore it. ones you ignore it, she will stop. If you keep fighting back then she will just keeping coming back at you. Try to avoid the topic, don't let her cut you and if she does, then just cut her back. Remember she is your mom so just cool down and relax
@lilypond (7)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Family dynamics are CRAZY, we feel close and have a lot of trust to say what we feel and some of it isn't good. It is ok for people to not like what another does and not tell them if they don't want to. People who matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter. If you want to nip some of it in the bud just say with a smile in your voice, "Do you talk about me like that?, because if you do you should just tell me, I'm dying to know how you really feel about me" or not! She's your mom and she loves you, about the fat thing, ask her what the problem is, does she think you're fat or does she want you to be fat, I didn't get it. I have a daughter and I can see when she gains or looses weight, but it isn't a big deal she is still her and I love HER. Sometimes when she is a little heavy I wonder if she is happy and I may say is everything ok? But not like you're fat are you sad?
@kkanaka (886)
• Singapore
30 Oct 08
Because of the generation gap maybe your views and your mother's dont match, the things you feel silly your mothers talks about those as she has nothing else to say, I think you can just listen and forget it, no need to worry too much, after all she is your mom, no matter what my mom does or say I dont take it to heart and just believe something must be bothering her so she spoke like that..
Dont forget tomorrow you could be in the same situation as your mom today.....
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Oct 08
hi mrsgoodygoody00 oh my You have a negative mom, my mom
was just the opposite, she was super positive which can be'
carried too far too. I had an aunt who was like your mom, she always told one of all the horrible things that had happened, and predicted horrid things, and nothing ever pleased her, the weather was too hot or too cold, the food too sweet or too salty never anything that was good or pleasant. I would get so depressed
when we visited her
Maybe your mom is lonely or depressed as sometimes depressed people will get very negative. I know hearing all this would depress you too. specially if you are pregnant and running hormonally high right nowYou could tell her that hearing negative things is bad for the baby you are carrying so only talk about positive things, hope this helps.
@Barbietre (1438)
• United States
30 Oct 08
HEEY are you sure we are not related? Your Mom sounds just like mine. But here is the joke, I am 60 and at 80- she still harps on me. And I have accomplished quite alot in life too!
But on the upside, I am just the opposite when it comes to my children and grandchildren. I figure life is too short, I am going to have fun and not bring anyone down.
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
30 Oct 08
She actually sounds like she is just plain unhappy in general. Negative people need to "spread the pain". But I don't think you should have to be a part of it. I wonder if you were to tell her that you are only accepting positive phone calls that day and then proceed to end the conversation abruptly every time it turns negative, if this would help. You would have to stand your ground and be very consistent (just like with children).
I think she has just fallen into the habit and probably doesn't even realize how awful she sounds. You may have to "retrain" her.
@ChloeStrawberry (285)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
I can choose my friends but not my relatives. If I have the kind of mother that you have, I'll just be patient with her because whatever she tells, for sure it was not meant to hurt you. Maybe it was meant to challenge you or simply because she had troubles too. She needs attention and while you still can, show her you care and appreciate her calling you often. When she'll be gone, you'll miss her and all the things she does. Whether it made you happy or sad. Love begets love; show a hardened heart some love and understanding and you'll end up being loved too.
@kunizzul (1066)
• Malaysia
30 Oct 08
You might feel guilty coz you did not tell the truth to both of them...actually your mom care about your sister and also you..she want the best for both of you..she want your sister to get a good life and she did not tell what she thinks about your sister face to face coz she did not want to hurt your sister's feeling actually..and she tell you everything that she thinks coz you are the only person that are closed to her...my mom always do this too honestly....we live together as a family..and we need someone to talk,someone who want to listen to us,someone who care about us...and the person she need the most at this time is you..she trust you...and if you want to be honest to your sister...tell her about his apple,but you tell her from what you think as her sister...
