How Does One Cope?
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
November 8, 2008 11:03am CST
I'm starting to wonder how strong God thinks I am! I know it's normal but gosh! it eats me up inside to see my mom cry. She's so frustrated and angry which is understandable but damn it just kills me inside little by little. She has her flares of high blood pressure now and has to take medication for it and it makes her dizzy however, the medicine she takes to stop the dizziness makes her sleepy. She can't win for losing. She longs to be able to do the things she did before she had the stroke but she can't. She still can't write so she can't do her own bills or balance her checkbook. She can't vacuum or change her bed or she could fall and break something else. She's already broken a rib and her pelvis so she knows how brittle her bones are because of having kidney stones which are from calcium deposits. She can't have a lot of calcium in her diet because of her kidneys. Every month since April, I've had to do her bills and clean her house which I don't mind doing and wish I could get that through her head. I just wish she'd apply that anger to getting well instead of crying because it does tear me up. I was at hers and dads house cleaning and doing their bills and mom bursts out in tears and bangs her hand on the table. All I could do is watch and try to talk to her in hopes to calm her down to no avail. I know she's angry and I understand her anger for I am too but I'm doing my best to take it all in stride but it's hard when she erupts like she did last night. I came home not wanting to talk to anybody and instead played some games in a foggy state of mind and went to bed alone because I just didn't want to be with anybody, not even hubby. Hubby is sympathetic and all but I just needed to be alone.
How would you handle this? I have a feeling I'm going to need some professional help when this is all said and done. Whew.
6 people like this
9 responses
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
8 Nov 08
It is sad Cats and so hard to watch. My grandma would get so frustrated. She hated letting my mom do anything for her. She would let me and even help where she could. She hated every minute of it, but knew she could no longer do it herself. She let me do it, but said when my mom did it she felt so much like a burden. She always gave me a $20 bill and told me to take it or she would not let me do it either. I took it and would use it to get lunch and go eat at her place with her. Some of it I did put in the gas tank and take her a few places, when she would go. She was always saying she was worthless. Is there at least someone that could stop and visit for a while, just to take her mind off of things, or a teen that could stop in and help with a little cleaning for a small fee? Something to take her mind off of things might help a bit.
As for you, you need time to yourself. You cannot keep going on the way you are. You have to take one day at a time and look no further. Don't worry about next week, just today. You have so much on your plate, that is the only way that things will not overwhelm you to the point of a breakdown. If you need to talk, I am usually around and would be glad to listen. You really need to do something fun and happy. It is good medicine.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
8 Nov 08
Thats exactly how she feels, she feels she's a burden on me and I tell her all the time that she's not nor will she ever be because she's my mother and that I love her with all of my being and that if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't. She keeps telling me, I know and I appreciate it but I want to do it myself. That's when I tell her, "Mom, think of how lucky you are to have me to help you because I wonder who's going to care for us when we get old because we don't have any kids." She agrees and then later on it's back to the same ole thing of feeling like she's a burden. It just eats me up!! They can't afford to pay anyone to come and clean their house. They have medical bills pileing up and pileing up some more. They barely have $200. for the rest of the month. I told her she and dad will not go hungry for they'll have what ever they need as long as I know about it. Now I've got to make up some new jars to put at the stores in hopes to get donations once again. Oh what a headache this all is!!
Some day I'll be able to go on that trip to Georgia to the aquarium. I've been wanting to go for some time now but money and time is the issue as usual. It'll get better some day but gosh I wish I knew WHEN!
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
8 Nov 08
You need the help as much as she does, have you checked with the Golden Age Center to see what programs they may qualify for? When my grandma needed them, they came to her for the paperwork and was willing to send someone in for 8 hours a week to help clean, 4 hours 2 times a week. I hate seeing all this on your plate, but if someone did this, you could just enjoy and visit, and do bills. There has to be some help for them. Check their insurance, some will pay for a PCA for a short period of time. Just some ideas to help. It would take so much off of the two of you.
3 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
8 Nov 08
That would make me want to take it and drop everything in his lap and let him deal with it! That is so wrong!! Who does he think would deal with it? You have done so well! It makes me sick that you cannot have anything to get help. I totally know how that is! I wish I was closer, and could help you out a bit. Things will get better, unfortunately it doesn't sound like it will be too soon. When I did grandma's cleaning, she would help out any way she could. We would work, right together. We did get her to move into a senior apartment. I worked with her just like I do with my son. If I did laundry, she folded what she could, usually dish towels and wash rags. She used a reach stick and would go around and pick things up and tell me where to put them. I could have done it alot faster alone, but it made her feel good, that she was helping. If there is anything I can do, let me know.
3 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
8 Nov 08
Is there a support group in the area for stroke victims and their families? I would check it out, having someone who is or has gone through what you and your family is going through can be a big help..
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
8 Nov 08
Oh, if only you can take just one hour a week, I feel it will really help you...
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
8 Nov 08
I'm sure there is but I don't have time for that right now. I've let so much of my things go and I need to get caught up then it's back to the same ole thing again, to their house, running errands, dentist, doctors and so on. It's never ending because I'm the only one they have to help them. I've got to put out a bunch of jars again in different stores in hopes to get monetary help because none of us can afford to keep fitting the bill on gas and medical bills. Gosh, will this ever end? And that's not all that's going on either, I'll be starting another discussion in a few minutes on it too.
3 people like this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
9 Nov 08
Just remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, even though it sometimes feels like we're being buried. Sometimes you just have to step back and pray your heart out...the strength will come. I think if I were in your shoes I would have been in the straight jacket and padded room a LONG time ago. You are an amazing lady hon...don't ever think otherwise. Your friends are here for you. Big hugs to you sweetie.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
9 Nov 08
Yeah I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle but like mother Theresa said, I wish he didn't trust me so much! That's exactly how I feel. I'm so close to that straight jacket though! I already told hubby that if this black cloud doesn't let up soon then I'm going to commit myself!!
3 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
11 Nov 08
Your Mum has shown how strong she is by all she has endured...a less strong person would have succumbed a long time ago. Your Dad too for all his failings is also quite strong....neither is healthy but they both seem quite robust.
You are right about the energy your Mum wastes in anger...it could be put to much better use. I think you are right about needing professional help and maybe your Doctor can point you in the direction of a government funded agency who can visit your Mum and help her with coping skills and you could learn some things too. I'm sure you do way to much for them my dear.
Your father MUST become more involved as between them I fear they are shoving you into some sort of breakdown. Much love and hugs to you. xxx
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
18 Nov 08
Thank you MsTickle... sorry I didn't get to you sooner. It's just that one thing after another and another. I already told hubby that if this damned load doesn't lighten up then I'm going to commit myself because I just can't take anymore. Then more gets added to my plate, we had a stupid arguement with our next door neighbor, my front tooth breaks and Sassy gets hurt and has to be taken to the vet. GEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEE MOSES!!!! Sorry but damn!! What a sh!tty year I've had!! Enough enough enough already!! or rather Enough enough enough a LONG time ago!!
Hugs to you too my dear friend!!
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
9 Nov 08
Hey catsanddogs, I know that you have been going through an
awful lot of stuff. And all this stuff is building up and I'm
glad that I can listen, but I am afraid that sooner or later
you are going to either explode or break down and neither of
those things would be good for anyone concerned. So maybe it
wouldn't be such a bad idea if you were to think about maybe
speaking to someone for your own sake. It certainly couldn't
hurt. You have way too much responsiblity for one person to
handle. Your brother seems to be of absolutely no use whatsoever
and your husband seems to just wonderful thankfully, but you
need someone that you can talk to so that you can vent your
frustrations to before something happens to you. I am very
concerned about YOU! I know that I could not have ever
done all the things that you are doing for your family
and remained in a sane state of mind. I personally would
have lost it by now! You are overtaxing your mind and your
body! You cannot be there every minute of every day for
everyone in your family and keep up this pace without it
taking a toll on you. I have never been one for therapy
until a year ago and now I am so happy that I started to
go. I have a new therapist that I have started to see about
6 weeks ago and I am so happy that I am doing this. I really
hope that you will think about going to talk to someone before
you need to. You are so strong and I give you so much credit,
but I think that you are just doing too much and I think talking
to an unbiased person so that you can get the stuff out that I
know you are holding in out would be such a good think for you.
I am sorry if I am oversteping but I truly care about you. I
feel like I have been going through all this with you step by
step and I don't want anything to happen to my friend!
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
9 Nov 08
Awwww thank you for caring so much!! I really do appreciate that!! And no you're not overstepping your bounds at all, you're showing concern and that means a lot to me. You're right, I do need to seek some professional help because there is so much more going on that it's too hard to explain on here but it's so aggravating as hell but my hands are tied to do anything and it makes me so angry. I've been to counseling before when I was younger and it did help a great deal. I'll have to check with my insurance and see how much it covers and go from there. Thanks sweetie!! I really appreciate it!! 
2 people like this
@andrew1412 (60)
• India
9 Nov 08
Hi cats and dogs, First of all I really pity your state of affairs.From what I have followed through your discussions, it seems that you and your family have been going through this struggle for a very long time now and it never seems to end. But the only thing you can do right now is believe that God always does everything for a cause and have deep faith in him. He will surely lead you through.And especially you because like Joab in the bible, you still have deep faith in Him even after these enormous struggles.I really envy you. Another great aspect about you is that in today's world where so many people are leaving their parents even when they're in a good condition, you have taken the care and pain to take so muc care of your mom when she is sick.God will surely bless you for that.I hope and pray that God brings a speedy end to all your struggles and gives you a blissful life.And for your good heart and soul, God definitely owes you a good life.Take care
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
9 Nov 08
Wow. Thank you Andrew! That was very nice of you to say!! I try to do the right thing no matter what it is but sometimes it gets so hard to bear. Hubby helps me quite a bit but still, I wish I could have some time to get my wits about myself but I can't. Some day this black cloud will go away but it can't be soon enough, that's for sure! If this all a test of faith then I should win with flying colors because it's not waivered one bit! Thanks again for your kind words!!
2 people like this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
8 Nov 08
I am so very sorry cats, I know I have said this before, it just has to get better. I know when I have things going on that get to me, it does help coming on mylot. I have asked for prayers and can always count on all of you. Also it sometimes helps to just get lost out in cyber world. I don't know how we get thru some of the trials and trubulations we have in life. It sure is hard sometimes. Good luck hun, its going to get batter, just keep on hanging on.
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
8 Nov 08
When Polly?! WHEN?!?! LOL I'm usually the mousy one responding to others discussions and here I've been making my own left and right. If I didn't have a way to vent I think I'd have been committed a long time ago. Especially after the fallen out I had with my scum bag brother and his nasty unfeeling comment that he made to me. That's ok, every dog has it's day and he'll have his one day.
1 person likes this
@Feona1962 (7526)
• United States
8 Nov 08
Hello...
First of all super hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((cats)))))))))))))))))....I can understand your feelings..
Your mom's frustration is normal...but it can't continue for too long...Other than not being able to write can she do other things...like read, or possible crochet...not sure of the extent of what she can do with her hands...
Does she feel guilty that you come and help her out..The last thing a parent wants to tell their children is that they can't do certain things anymore and will be needing help..
Does all this frustration stem from not being able to sell the house? That in itself can be a heavy burden..
My grandsons are here so I have to run..sorry..hopefully I can get back to you on this...
3 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
8 Nov 08
She can read but it makes her sleepy. She doesn't watch tv for she falls asleep. (Go figure) I can understand the reading part for I fall asleep too but tv? She's a different one, that's for sure but she is what she is. She can't knit because of her right hand not cooridinating with her brain. She's right handed but has learned to use her left hand more now a days.
Yes she does feel guilty and she feels like she's a burden which she's not and I've told her so numerous times but she won't hear it. I've told her that if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't. She does get that but she can't retain it for long. The house not selling yet is a part of her frustrations, I'm sure but hopefully that stress will come to an end if only this guy takes it.
Now go enjoy your grandsons!! Have fun with the little guys!! lol
2 people like this
@besthope44 (12123)
• India
14 Aug 10
She is my best friend, to share and decide. Thats my best mom and she is unbeatable!I love her so much
