How I can be a good Step-mother?

I think the first thing you need to do is be her friend. Dont go into the house acting like her mother, it will probably make her rebel against you and not give you a chance at all. You need to include her in a lot of the things that you and your fiance do so that she doesnt think that you are taking him away from her and also so she doesnt feel left out. She will probably enjoy having another girl in the house with her to do the things that she wouldnt otherwise do with her father. Good luck. Im sure things will work out for you if you give it some time.

Just treat your step children the way you would treat your own child. Let them have time with their father so that they won't think that you are taking their father away from them. Have the initiative to talk to them and if they hesitate, just give them time to adjust. Just be patient and be there for them when they need you.

miamhae, You can start by being a friend to your forthcoming step daughter to begin with here. I suppose this would break the ice between the both of you and let you understand here better in time to come. I must say that you have a rather daunting task ahead of you here and I just hope that you can gel into the family. I suppose all things will need to have a good start and I just hope some of these ideas might be of help to your family and you here. 1. In the children's eyes, you are the final and most obvious symbol of their dashed hopes that their parents might someday work things out. So don't be surprised if it takes a while for them to warm up to you. 2. There cannot be two sets of rules: daddy rules and wicked stepmother rules. You and your spouse should communicate regularly and have a united set of family rules that everyone lives by. 3. Do not try to compete with them. Your husband loves you, but he loves them too. Don't put your spouse in the middle of every tangle. 4. If you cannot open your heart to his children, do not marry him. 5. They are kids, you are the adult. They are supposed to make things difficult, and you are supposed to rise above it. 6. Children need consistency to build trust. Provide it with an open heart and mind. 7. The kids do not go away just because you say, "I do." Neither do ex-wives. They were there before you started dating, and they will always be a part of your life and his. 8. It's okay to demand time for just you and your husband (without the kids), whether they are his, hers, or yours. 9. It's normal to feel insecure at times about where you stand; sometimes you're the outsider, and they've had special memories without you. But it's a sign of a healthy relationship when you can communicate those insecurities to your spouse, and he understands and can help make you feel more a part of things. 10. You have the right to be treated with respect, and your spouse should demand it of his children. He cannot make them love you, call you mom, or forge a friendship, but he can demand that they behave properly. 11. Be nice to his ex-wife. Period. 12. Never, ever, ever say anything disparaging about the children's mother no matter what you really think. 13. If you and the new spouse have children, don't forget that no matter how you feel about your stepkids, your children will love them because they are siblings and will not want them treated poorly or differently. 14. Grin and bear shared holidays and birthdays; all the kids deserve to be with their families. 15. They don't have to call you "mom" to have a parent-child relationship with you. It's not the word that's important! 16. Be flexible. Realize that your husband has to balance many roles, and he needs your support and love, not criticism and manipulation. 17. Never, ever discuss child support, custody issues, or legal issues in front of the kids. 18. Give the kids time to get to know you before you get married (and give yourself time to get to know them). 19. Don't berate your spouse in front his children. 20. Be prepared for tumultuous times. The children may try to test you, push you, find your boundaries. Be firm, pick your battles wisely, and remember that they are kids who are trying to find their way through an awkward situation they never asked for. 21. Biology does not make her a better mother than you, but children will only learn that over time, and only if you let them. 22. Children only want to please. If you just care and love and pay attention, they will respond and fill your heart with joy. 23. If something does go wrong, don't bury it. Talk about it, with your spouse, with the kids. You're a family, regardless of biology, so act like one. 24. Divorce is a life-altering moment for most children, and there will be issues of insecurity and fear that arise. Be there if they want to talk, reassure them that all of their parents love them, and help them work through their feelings. 25. Giving birth is just one way to become a mom. Tucking a kid into bed every night, being there for every success and failure along the way, holding their hair out of the way when they throw up; those things count too. Take care and have a nice day. Ref: http://www.clubmom.com

I would agree with the points made in post number 2. The 11 year old daughter sounds like trouble. She will see you as the person who took away the only chance that her "real" parents would get back together which is what all children want. You are also going to be seen as a rival for his affections. Remember that most teenage girls do not even like their own mothers let alone an interloper. Look very closely at this relationship and decide if you want this marriage. If your boyfriend is not fast by your side and takes the side of his daughter over you, you will have nothing but trouble as you will be isolated on your own.

You know what, it's not really easy to become a step mother to your partner's child. As you have said you don't have a kid yet and your only experience with children is with your niece. Anyhow that's not a problem because there are a lot of ways how you can show your care to your step daughter to be. By the way, you said your fiance has a daughter. I presume that you two are not yet married right? Because in my case, my husband has a 4 year old son who likes me and accepts me as his father's wife. I knew the even before we got married and now we have a month and a half old son who's living with us. My husband's son or should I say my step son is living with my husband's mom. There's no problem with us all and we get along together well. The secret I think is acceptance and that is what you need to tell to your step daughter. You must be the one to show how you love her and explain everything in such a way that the girl could understand. Eventually, you'll find each other the best of step mom and step daughter. You should also ask help to your fiance about the issue because he has a great role in building the closeness between you and her child. I'm speaking here base on experience but you can find other ways to solve the problem. Hope I did a little help to you.

Oh dont fret so much, I am sure you will be a good mom. The one thing you need to remember is that you love that child as if she were your own. So if you love her then she will also feel the love bcoz children tend to feel such things. also try to go out of your way to make her feel special, that is not to let her get spoilt, but simply so that she feels that you care for her. you can ask your fiance what she likes to eat and you can sometimes cook that for her and bring it to her, she will like that. You can sometimes go to your fiance's place and then tell him that you want to spend time with his daughter only today, she will like that kind of attention. then you should also talk to her about how much you love her dad and how both of you can together make him happy and things like you can ask her if she can help you how to please her daddy. she will like being involved. so just be sure that it might not all happen in one day but she will surely accept you. Children respond to genuinine love and if you have that you dont need to worry.

Hi First and foremost i would treat them as if they are your own. It is a very hard situation that you are in but i believe it can be done. Unfortanelty my ex-stepmother didnt do such a good job. She was way too jealous of my relationship with my father. i wish you the best!

i have two step sons and i have to say it is hard...i mean HARD. my step sons are 7 and 8 and i have tried and tried but it never gives. the only advice i can give you is to love them as you would your own..meaning if they do wrong punish them..if they do right reward them. love them.provide for them.. but also sit and talk to your fiance and see where he wants you to stand in their lives. (something i never did...i just kinda jumped in there not knowing what it was like to have kids) see if he wants you to be a mother figure or not. not saying to "replace" their mother but to see if he wants you as a major part of their lives or not...whether he wants you to punish them when they do wrong or to leave it to him... hope all works out for you good luck

hello my fellow myLotter, i would treat her like you would your niece. just take it slow. let you two get to know each other. respect one another and everything will come into play. i hope this helps. happy posting and good luck!

You will be became a good step mother just following few step like 1-care 2-love 3-understande her feeling and her requirment and try to understande her important things .

I am a step mom and i love it .you will love being a step mother . sometimes it will be hard trying to make them happy and dont want them to get mad at you .that when they walk all over you . so be nice to her but dont let her walk all over you . maybe you girls can go shopping or go to lunch just let her no that you are not talking her mom place . so she dont get up set about that . that is what i did and me and my step kids are great i love them like they was my kids