how can you have a serious conversation without being defensive?
By lajaded1
@lajaded1 (96)
United States
November 17, 2008 6:14pm CST
a friend and i had a rather serious conversation. some things was taken out of context and i became defensive. i felt that he was talking about things that he didn't know about due to my reluctance to discuss certain matters with him i started out complaining about my day and it turned into a conversation about money and some hurtful things was said. when i came clean about how i felt a day or so later now it seems he wont talk to me. what do i do? i care a great deal about him and miss talking to him iam at wits end did i offend him about how i felt?
1 person likes this
2 responses
@rosdimy (3926)
• Malaysia
18 Nov 08
Maybe he did feel offended. This always happen in serious conversations or discussions.
I have had several experiences and usually I do the following to avoid heated arguments.
- I try slow breathing
- I try not to use an accusatory tone. Look at my first sentence. If it was said 'maybe you did offend him' the reaction would most probably be defensive.
- I try using the 'question method' instead of the "I think". For example using "Do you think what you did was right?" instead of "I think you made a big mistake". Even if I use "I think" it would be along the lines of "I think the action was inappropriate for that particular situation"
The methods above worked most of the time.
@lajaded1 (96)
• United States
18 Nov 08
i didn't try to offend him but he had said somethings i found offensive to me and i felt at that time that he wasn't being very understanding instead he tried to offer advice that i felt was unwanted i didn't want a solution but someone to listen to me i had already gave myself tea and tears i guess i wanted to vent.most of the time he is very supportive.thanks for your advice! ill try it
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
18 Nov 08
It has been said when people get upset in conversations there is ioften an underlying reason why that person is upset in the first place, that the reason for the upset is often a completely different reason even unknown to the person concerned, maybe you hit on a very sore spot...I hope things work out for you...
