Sigh, This is long, if you dont have the time, dont bother

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Everyone i know thinks im making a mistake with my life. If i am then so be it, if im not then so be it, i really stopped caring a while ago. Heres the deal. My life was great then my brother got killed. It was a big trial and everyone knew about it and talked about it. My mom was the school nurse and took a long long disability leave and people started talking. I was 17. My dad stopped talking and spent his days at work and nights in a rocker silent watching TV. My mom locked herself in thier room and didnt come out for months except when noone was home. Then she started talking and it was only suicidal things. I started to tell my parents i loved them after it happened because i did but never said it. I am the only child left. I woke up every morning to one sentance "when you get home from school i will be dead". I didnt really have the mature mind to absorb it, i just knew it made me feel like $hit and scared. Every morning i knocked on her door before leaving to say i love you and thats what i got. Every day i came home and knocked to ask if she was ok because i was really scared she would do it. After time the one sentance became detailed descriptions of how she would do it. I heard her crying a lot in there. After a year and a half my moms absence in the public atmosphere was really making people talk and my and my dads life miserable. We started to get angry and told her to get it together. Nothing. I came home from school everyday and heard and spoke nothing. My friends asked me to come out but they would just get wasted, and alcohol it the reason my brother died. I wasnt interested. But after time i was miserable and only 18 so i started to drink. A lot. About 2 years of my life i dont remember, half of senior yr in highschool to my first semester of sophmore year. Literally dont remember. Horrible. So what did i decide? To study abroad. To get as far away as possible from my life. And i did. With a niave, stupid mindset. What did i do, i gave it my all because i felt free. I became addicted to anything that made me happy, especially a boy. What an idiot. I came home, worked, and started to go back to see him thinking i was special. Right. For a year and a half i changed my ways of drinking and being sad to working hard and being hopeful. I lost a ton of weight and felt great. Then i finally had a break to come live with him and in a 2 month span found out that whole time was a lie and while i had been working hard he had been with girls and lieing to me and making me feel special. So i went home and with my newfound body let boys treat me like a dog, then i came back and got my revenge, made him understand how much he messed me up, and he did a 180. Then i went home and just lived life, gained respect for myself and didnt let a boy touch me, let this boy across the world pay me back little by little, but still was sad. Angry and sad for so much. For being stupid, for wasting time, for my mom thinking only about herself driving me away to be hurt by some stupid boy, for believing in long distance love, for drinking years of my life away, for working so hard for someone else, for not putting me first. So thats what i did, put me first. Then i got a phone call, my ex had western unioned me a grand and said its yours regardless of what you want to use it for, but i hope you buy a ticket to come back. i stoped caring a long time before that, so i didnt decide in that moment. Then he started sending me more money, calling me everyday, 5 times, internationally, reviewing every detail of how he hurt me, details i though only i remembered, and apologized for everything. I didnt care at first. But the more time i spent at home the more time i hated life there and wanted to leave again. My parents didnt know what happened, but they had spent a lot of money helping me out of emergencies. My friends wanted me to spend more time with them instead of working. So after months passed i decided to buy a ticket. Now im back here living with this boy. The first few months were observation and teaching, letting him know just how bad i hurt and always will. He was great with everything. The next were enjoyment because we traveled a ton together and did all the things i wanted to before, all the things i want to regardless of who with, and all the things he cant believe he didnt do with me before. And now its just work for him, together at night, nice, but im bored. The point is, there is not one person in my life that thinks i am making the right choice. My friends think im being stupid, but i just dont care. My parents, well thats another story, i care a lot and think about what im doing to them everyday, but then i remember what they did to me and im happy here. People tell me subtly or directly that im a mess and that i deserve better and that im to good to be here and that i should be home working like everyone else i know. When im there something in my stomach is not right. My friend just told me im unhappy and i need to come home and im making a huge mistake and etc. When shes is my boyfriend to a T. Shes a cheater and hurt a guy really really bad, then after time, he took her back, recently and shes happy because she was sad without him. She calls me when something happens with them, why does she have to pass judgement so harshly. I feel stupid enough already for doing what i have in my life, nothing seems to satisfy me, here or there, but this is where i am, and its not so bad, and i have goals, plans, and a boy doesnt dictate them. When im ready ill leave him, come home, if he comes then ill try that life. This is long so ill stop now. Im just sad because i just got ripped apart via AIM by a friend, added on the all the other usual judgements made by people i know.