Please Give Me Your 2 Cents...I'm Broke!
By Ind3p3nd3nt
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
United States
November 19, 2008 10:42pm CST
A close friend of mine is currently being faced with an extremely tough decision. I was hoping that maybe I could get some suggestions on how to further advise him on his situation, so I would greatly appreciate anything you have to add...
Okay, so anyway, my friend, we'll call him Joe, recently received a phone call from one of his old friends, whom we'll name Bob, from jr. high and high school. They used to do everything together...they played contact sports, had sleep-overs, even dressed in front of each other. But, there was a stigma that kinda followed Bob around; some of the guys on their football team used to harrass him and make derogatory remarks about his "sexuality". Now, Bob wasn't really gay...those particular football players were just being jerks. Or at least that's what Joe has though for all these years...
Bob recently revealed to Joe that he, in fact, is a gay man and is currently leading an openly gay lifestyle. Joe was completely taken aback by the news and now he's a bit unsure of how he is supposed to react or how he is supposed to feel about it all. Joe is not at all homophobic or anything, but he feels like if Bob was his boy like he claimed to be, he would not have lied to him all these years. Bob also told him that he was coming back home for the rapidly approaching holiday season, and wanted to know if it would be okay if he crashed at Joe's house while he was in town. Instinctively, Joe agreed, but now feels really uncomfortable about it. He has a wife and a 4 year old son and isn't sure if he wants a gay person to be staying with his family...
I know I was a bit long trying to lay it all out for you guys and I sincerely apologize, but what do you think? Is Joe wrong for feeling betrayed or lied to? Would he be justified in choosing to end the friendship? (This is the first they've spoken to each other in about 3 years.) Should he let Bob live with his family for a couple weeks? C'mon guys...help us out.:)
5 people like this
5 responses
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
20 Nov 08
My friend, Joe doesn't want his friend Bob (who is gay) living in his home around his very impressionably 4 year old son. I guess he thinks Bob can influence Trey's sexuality or whatever. And he's not sure how he feels about being friends with a homosexual person...he's a guy's guy and, until recently, he's always thought that Bob was too, so he's just weirded out by it all. I guess my question is, is Joe justified in feeling the way he feels about Bob and/or does he have any real reason to discontinue the friendship?
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
21 Nov 08
I can see where Joe is hurt, but he also needs to see it from Bob's point of view. Bob was scared to tell anyone that he was gay. I mean honestly, during that time period, Bob would have gotten beaten up, not just harrassed by the football team. If Joe doesn't feel comfortable with Bob staying at his house with his family, then Joe needs to sit down and ask himself, why does he feel uncomfortable.
I would just tell him to think back to when they where in school, how would he have honestly reacted if Bob came and told him. Then, put himself in Bob's shoes, and go from there. He should see how he's acting now is very silly and childish.
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
23 Nov 08
True, I meant the silly and childish behaviour for not wanting Bob (a childhood friend) around his family. I would just tell Joe to sit and see it from Bob's point of view. I don't know what year they graduated from high school, I'm 32, and anyone that acted or seemed gay got joked so badly it wasn't even funny. So for the ones that was gay, I can see the reason for them to keep quiet about it. This is a really hard situation, and I hope that your friend Joe will make the right choice that he feels right.
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
21 Nov 08
I agree. I, too, think Joe is being extremely juvenile about the situation. But, that's just my opinion. It's not really fair of me to simply dismiss his feelings or opinions as silly or childish. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel, regardless of how insanely irrational or ridiculous you or I think they're being. That's part of the reason I initially found it so difficult to advise him without dimenishing his character or personal views and beliefs.
Thank you for commenting! Your advice is greatly appreciated.
1 person likes this
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
24 Nov 08
Thank you for your good wishes. It seems that Joe is going to let Bob stay with his family during the holidays, so that's good. I have just encouraged him to make all of his thoughts and concerns known by Bob so that they can get passed it all and work on reconstructing their friendship. So I'd like to give a special thanks to you, chertsy, and to everyone else who responded to this disscussion with any plausible input.
1 person likes this
@robinemz (211)
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
i think it would be fine to have him around for the holidays. your friend, joe, just needs to shift his thinking about bob as a man to bob as a gay. it looks like joe has not yet accepted this fact. coz if you're saying that joe is not homophobic then i don't see any grounds why he has to decline bob's request to stay at their home.
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
20 Nov 08
That's what I said! Joe CLAIMS to not be a homophobe, but he seriously has no other reason to turn that man away from his home and family. He says it's because of the whole trust issue, but I know it's just because Bob's gay and he doesn't want his son to be be around a gay man. Joe just needs to admit to himself that he's uncomfortable with a gay person playing a role in his life and he needs to sit down with Bob and have that conversation that SketcherD eluded to in the previous post. Thanks alot for your response! It was really helpful.
@DawGwath (1042)
• Romania
20 Nov 08
Ok, probably Bob wasn't all sure about his sexuality so you can't say he actually betrayed him. Even if he was sure, it could've been the fear of losing a good friend, so I guess it's not his fault.
Joe shouldn't break the friendship between them, especially now that he has a family, he could give an example of tolerance to his kids. Joe should feel confortable around Bob exactly like Bob feels confortable around his wife ;)
We're all humans afterall...
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
21 Nov 08
I like that you mention Joe's opportunity to teach his son tolerance and acceptance. I never thought about it like that and I will be sure to pass on your advice. Thank you for your input; it was really helpful.
@chobby3037 (170)
• United States
20 Nov 08
2 years ago i reconnected with my best friend for jr/high school. And found out she was gay. We were very close sleepovers,makeovers, double dating, all the usual tween/teen girl things. I never once had an inkling of her being gay. She wasn't even sure she as I later found out. And I was hurt that she hadn't felt safe enough to confide in me.But after we discussed it i understood that she had been very confused at that time. She is currently in a domestic relationship and her partner and my husband are closer friends than we are.
I think Joe needs to grow up. Bob more than likely isn't going to inappropriate around his son. And Bob probably wants nothing more than his friend to be just that his friend.
@Ind3p3nd3nt (182)
• United States
21 Nov 08
I agree and couldn't have said it better myself. I honestly think that if Joe were any kind of friend to Bob, none of this would be as huge of a concern as he is making it out to be. And I greatly appreciate you sharing your own experience with us. It was very enlightening. I haven't gone through any of this personally, so it's kinda hard to say how I would handle it, but it seems that you have dealt with your situation very admirably. I think Joe could stand to learn a thing or two from your previous encounter with a similar situation. Thank you so much for your response!
