If you sent someone money to help them out, would you expect it back?
By icyorchid
@icyorchid (2564)
United States
November 21, 2008 7:31pm CST
I have a friend who was in a situation and a friend of hers (someone she thought was a friend) sent her money via paypal. This friend didn't think anything of someone asking for her paypal email addy, so she gave it. This friend of hers sent her $50!
Now my friend told her friend that it was too much money to just accept and she'd have to pay it back. And so they both agreed on it being paid back, but no details of how much or when was ever discussed.
So my friend's friend turned on her and started treating her with an attitude. When my friend sent an email apologizing that it hadn't been paid back yet, she received NO response. She did this twice and both times she received NO response.
Now this girl is trying to play a guilt trip on my friend.
So what would you do?
Nothing ever mentioned about this being a loan from the friend, just my friend saying she had to pay it back because it was too much to accept as a gift.
My friend was planning on paying back half if not all when her hubby got his bonus (next wednesday) and now she is thinking of not doing it at all. She's very upset that her friend has treated her so badly and is trying to portray my friend as a person who isn't honest and that's so far from the truth.
Thanks
2 people like this
12 responses
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
22 Nov 08
That's how it often goes when a friend lends another in need money and the terms of repayment of whether there'll be repayment have not been discussed. And some just love to hold it over you even after the repayment has been made as an 'you owe me because I helped you when you were in need'.
Your friend should make the repayment and if financially possible even give a little extra as 'interest' because the other person was out of the money. She might still get the guilt trip regardless but then your friend knows that she herself has nothing to feel guilty about. If she doesn't make the repayment the other person will just get worse and it might escalate into something that your friend doesn't want. Advice her to make the repayment and to cut her losses, as the other person is not really her friend for treating her that way. This way she doesn't really owe that other person anything anymore. A much better situation to be in than simply not giving the money back, IMO.
2 people like this
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
22 Nov 08
Thank you Jonesy.
I will tell her this and I will especially tell her the part about her not really being her friend so this never happens again.
@dnbuster (442)
• United States
22 Nov 08
wow, thats hard.
I would tell the one friend who got the money to pay the other back $5 a week or what ever she can afford a week. I know it must be hard on ur friend $$ changes relationships, it really does.
If she got the money via pay pal then she has the other friends pay pal addy.
Just tell her to pay what she can back at a time and send a nice thank you with each payment:)
that is terrible what she is doing to her, and over money that is just no good..
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
22 Nov 08
it can be friend destroying to lend money to a friend, a lot of people say never do it but in all honesty can a good friend just sit back and watch a friend in need , I think it is Oprah who has said only give to a friend in need if you can afford to give money without expecting to get it back...that way the friendship might survive, it is strange how grateful people can be and then forget so easily the great favour of friend..it is very sad..but I know I can't sit and watch a friend of mine in need, I have taken the risk many times....
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
22 Nov 08
Thank you Lilac,
Yep I think you are right on Oprah. My friend didn't ask for it, it was given, like I said. But I am going to advise her to repay the loan and stay away from that so called friend.
@dvschic (1795)
• United States
22 Nov 08
well since she didn't ask for the money, its not a loan. i'd send her the money back, just cause she gave the money to her and if she has it, might as well send it back. avoid the drama and just be done with it! thats why friends and money just dont mix. i avoid loaning money to friends and family at all cost. unless someone is dying imma keep my money to myself, too many people have burned me and just screwed me outta money
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
22 Nov 08
Thank you :)
Nope she didn't ask for it it was sent to her.
You're right, money and friends don't mix! I always thought it was oil and water that didn't mix. hehehe
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
22 Nov 08
Way back in the mists of time, when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, dirt was still clean and I was still earning a good salary (!!), I lent money to people twice. We're talking significant amounts of cash in order to save their businesses (both loans were around $5,000 US).
My rule was simple. In one case, it was a business decision with contracts and all, so we'll ignore that, but the other was purely friendship. The rule was that I would NOT lend the money if I would need it. It had to be purely extra money that I could live without if it never came back. Once it was sent, I had to accept that I had waved goodbye and that was that.
In fact, the friend paid back every penny - not for the first few years, but when he was able to. It turned out he started paying back when the world had dealt me a bad hand and I really needed cash, so it worked out nicely. And his business is still running, so I get to feel all warm and happy about that!
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
22 Nov 08
Oh dear, I missed the question again... sigh. I the case above, I would say that it would depend whether the person sending the money had been asked. If your friend asked for help, she should pay it back. If she was in the situation and the other person spontaneously sent her money, it's a gift.
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
22 Nov 08
Oh dear, I missed the question again... sigh. In the case above, I would say that it would depend whether the person sending the money had been asked. If your friend asked for help, she should pay it back. If she was in the situation and the other person spontaneously sent her money, it's a gift.
@icyorchid (2564)
• United States
22 Nov 08
Thank you Marmed, it's a shame that people treat people that way. I will give her the advice.
@marmed (38)
• Sweden
22 Nov 08
Yes...
by the way, as a repy to the topic of your question. I see the lended money as spended. I never expect it back, unless agreed to have it back (but then, I don't lend money if I can't afford to do so).
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
22 Nov 08
I think your friend is right to get upset, comeon! there is no contractual arrangement here, she shouldn't be pushed or coerced, infact i think, she should just keep quiet and let go the friendship-just imagine drawing her marriage into such a background less gift and turning it into a family debt? B*ll Sh*t!!
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
23 Nov 08
Sorry that this had to happen, but many times when people help someone out, they usually are not ever expecting to be paid back, and some even end up feeling insulted and hurt when someone even tries to pay them back. For me, when I loan someone $$, I try to never loan them more than like $20 at a time, as that is all I can afford, and usually I never even expect to be paid back at all either, unless someone was to do it from the generosity of their heart as well.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
22 Nov 08
hello icyorchid,
Helping someone is an act that no one is forcing you to do so. And in terms of monetary help, that depends on the situation. If you give it as a loan, that must be paid by the person who borrowed it. But if you give it as a gift, then I believe no need to pay it back. Because gift and a loan is two different thing.
Money is really the root of all evils. I guess your friend need to talk and clear everything out before they will destroy their friendship once and for all. If your other friend is really serious of paying back the money, she can do it in installment basis than not paying her at all.
@mimico (3617)
• Philippines
22 Nov 08
Well the friend who lent the money was obviously very vague, so she has no right to have an attitude now. However, as far as I know, you can decline any payments received on PayPal. The fact that your friend accepted the $50 even if it was too much means that she also took advantage of the friend with an attitude. By accepting the loan, she has to pay back the money as soon as possible because that's the right thing to do. I think in this case, they are both wrong. And to answer your question, I would never lend anyone money over the internet, but would definitely help out a friend who I am very close with in person.
@mercuryman3a (2477)
• India
22 Nov 08
I believe that one has to be very honest in financial dealings whether it is betwee frineds or just acquaintances. Money often leads to a ot of problems. If you have asked someone for money, you can't take it for granted that you don't have to repay. If it is borrowed it has to be returned. If a person has given a gift, then there is no obligation to return it. It does not seem like a gift here. That freind had clearly given it as a loan. a loan is a loan and not a gift. Such things can cause mis understandings. It is better to return the money than to break a freindship.
With a friend you don't have to say expressly that you want to borrow money. if i know that you need money and you are my good friend, i should jsut send yo the money without asking questions. Similarly it is your bounden duty to return the money at the earliest.
@carmelsuarez (329)
• Philippines
22 Nov 08
It depends on what our agreement is. If I do it voluntarily or out of my generousity then why I would expect of payment. But it my friends borrowed from me.. well then I am expecting a pay back.
