Advice please....

Hi me, I hate to say this but it sounds like your man is copping out of his responsibilities as a father. If he doesn't know how to control his kids then he needs to get help to learn how. You both need to go to family counseling. If you don't these children will rip you both apart and it won't be pretty. If you both don't take action immediately, then you may as well give up right now. You never mentioned their ages but if they can walk and talk, they can understand RULES and RESPECT! Good luck sweetie. Hold on to your man. Children from broken homes are in pain. So they take that pain out on you. You and your man need to have a united front and the children need to learn their place in the family. With strong consistent parents, they will be so much happier. A good counselor will help you achieve that.xoxoxo leenie

hi i read your story and iam so sorry you have to go through this.i have two children and he have three children. you didn,t say if they live with you guys all the time or partime.even if it part time it,s hard.because there is 2 sets of rules mom rules and dads rules.but whatever the case you are going to be more forceiful at your rules and what you expect from them it,s going to be hard but you can do it.set them all down and have a family meeting on what is expected of the children and what will happen if they break the rules.i watched a show called the nanny,she used a game to reach the children it took about a week and it worked.the kids was very unruly and disrespectiful but having some sort of game to reach them will work.i hope you can reach the child so you can have peace in your house soon

You certainly are in a position in which I do not envy. It sounds like you have quite a bit of time invested in this relationship and you are not ready to let go. Two years is a pretty long time to bond with someone and have strong feelings for. However when children enter the picture it can become nothing less than interesting. You have to be prepared sometimes for the unknown in my opinion. I believe that your man may really want you to accept his children well behaved or not. Not all children are going to be perfect. It does sound like a handful for you to deal with and this man maybe needs to spend more attention to this matter if he really cares about you. These situations sometimes can feel like a no win. You want to be happy and you want your own children to be happy. To tell you the truth I really think you need to think about your own happiness. You are right when you say that you don't want your kids to see you in a miserable light. They need you and you need to be there for them first. I wish you luck. Take care.

Hello my dear, I feel sorry for your sitution right now, im sure your intention of keeping the man you love is not bad at all. But, in my opinion i would re-considered the side of your child. They need someone that they can grow with love and feel comfortable life and family that lead them in a better future. Im sure they already felt the feeling of longingness in their father and happy family. as what you said if your already crump of the sitution and your not married yet how comes in the future. You've done already axtreme move to keep it settle yet it doesn't happen. Sometimes bad behavior occur because their something inside them that thier trying to cover up or maybe they are born like that. If this would happen to me, i will try to give them a break, i will try to let him know how much i love him but my kids future is my first priority and i will need time to think, if it is possible for us to have a happy and calm family together. I know it would be hard to find such a perfect man but thier is always something somewhere that is right for us. Good luck and hope you will find a good answer. Happy mylotting.

Wow that is a very tough situation to be in. Relationships can be hard enough, but when you add kids into the mixture, it makes it even harder. I know it's never a good idea to stay together just for kids sake, but do keep in mind that you do have a kid together, aside from the kids you had in a previous relationship(s). It's obvious that you do love him very much, and that you would be leaving only because of his kids. I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation! I know I wouldn't want my own kids picking up on his kids bad habits, which could very easily happen. But I do believe that there has got to be a way to teach his kids to behave more properly. It's going to be very hard, especially if they've been acting this way for so long now. I think the number one key to it though is discipline. It doesn't take much at all for kids to learn that if they can do something naughty w/o being punished for it, they will repeatedly do it, and it will only get worse. As a parent, it definitely adds pressure on me knowing my childs behavior fully lies in my hands, and that my upbringing of my children can truly affect who they become as a person. My only advice I can give is to not give up. No one ever succeeds by giving up. Always fight for what it is that you want. I'm afraid you might have too many regrets if you leave the man you love. And who knows, maybe love can over rule this dilemma of yours. If your boyfriend knows about the situation and is completely fine with you trying to get his kids into order, do everything you can to discipline them and teach them right from wrong. I would also insist that your man help out with this too. If he can get stern with them, they might listen to him more because he is the father, they may see you as something a lot smaller with you not being their mother and all. Good luck, and just remember, follow your heart and have NO REGRETS!

Kids are the way, they were risen and I don't think, you can do anything without support from their father. Maybe he feels guilty because of splitting up with their mother and ignores their behavior. Thats only speculations. I also advice some professional help. Maybe some of your friends knows someone good and experienced. You can also try to find some opinion in the Internet. There should be sites for parents with your problem. Good luck.

Hello, messageme. It is never too late to put the kids in line. You have tried your best to talking to them and all, but it didn't work. Now, it is time to play the army. You will be STRICTLY rigid with the kids. All of them. There is no being nice with one and being strict with the other. You will put rules in your house. Be cold, do not be mad. Do not yell, tell it in a good way. Do not show love, though. Do not say: "Hey, darling, could you please get out of the window?". Nah. You will say, in a cold way and with a firm voice: "I will give you two options: you can get out of the window and be without videogame for a week or you can stay there and be without videogame for a month". The children will probably say: "What the f...! I'm already going to be without videogame!". And then he will understand that you are being strict. And really do take the videogame away from that one. He will understand that, if he does something wrong, there will be no "I'm sorry mom". He will be punished without having chances of saying sorry. He will learn not to do the wrong things instead of doing it and apologizing. Treat them like that. They will have to respect for your power, since they do not respect you for your authority. You tried to be nice. Now, you will have to have a cold mind and never yell at them, but be completely strict. Any little wrong step they do they will be locked in their rooms for an hour to think about it, or locked somewhere in where they cannot have fun. And I'm sure, within two months those kids will be kissing your feet. And then it will be the time to start being nice with them. Respectfully, Munhozmib.

This is indeed a trick situation to be in. You have not mentioned how old the children are. If they are small, you can always whack them or punish them. If they are grown up, then its pretty hard, for you can olny do so much and not more. Your man has to be more assertive in bringing his children under control. If he does not support you, nobody can. Is he such an uncaring father that he does not care how his children are brought up ? I have seen meek men in my life, but never when it comes to children. Your man is taking the easy way out, shrugging off his responsibilities in the hope that so long as his comforts are taken care of and his c hildrens, you can suffer. No, your children too need your love and support. Who is to say, their bad behaviour may rub off on your children as they grow up and you will have nobody but yourself to blame. Two years is a long time to bring some sort of order in their lives, but without his help, you are nowhere. Think twice before you take any step, but keep your kids in mind too.

There is one more thing you could do. Emotional blackmail. Tell his kids you love their father and he loves you, but for them, you are forced to think of quitting. Tell them if they love their father even a little bit and want him to be happy, then they better mend their ways in your line of thinking, or let them feel guilty for breaking up their fathers marriage. Good luck friend, you are going to need it.

I have got one good suggestion for you. I was same as your man's negative kids. I used to disobey a lot. in my childhood i was very obedient but as my mom say's i was very naughty in my early school days. I wont listen and was very negative and used to say crump words and misbehave with elders and everyone. my mother was always tensed. The one day i was admitted to a baording school. I dont know whether it was intentionally or necessary decision. But my life changed. It was a partial baording school where i used to go school early in morning at 7 and return home at 8 pm. So that is what taught me a lot of things. Later on i completed graduation and that too staying away from home. some 1800 kms away. With extreme environment. But this taught me a lot of things about life. respect towards others and dont forget your parents. So my advise to you is please find some good boarding school with military disciplines and look your kids rocking in life. And dont forget to call them atleast twice in a week. That makes them feel that you really care for them. And dont call everyday often as that would make them dependent. I hope you would like doing this.

Since you all live in the same house, I think that it is very important to set the entire family down and have a long talk. In this talk, you and your man should set down a set of house rules along with consequences for breaking the rules. Then, you BOTH need to stick to them. Change does not happen over night, but I think that once all of the kids seen that you are serious, and the rules apply to all, they will behave better. It is also important for the kids to know that they are all loved equally. Sometimes, kids act out because they are merely seeking attention, and are unsure of how to go about getting it any other way. I know that my own kids often act out, especially when my husband's son is here for a weekend visit. The only way I have found to change the behavior that has actually worked is to do the things I mentioned above. One more thing I do with the kids is to spend a few minutes each day with each child alone just to ask how their day was. To my kids, this special time shows them that they are equally important to me, as is what happens in each of their lives. I really hope that you and your man can pull together on this.It can prove to be a very rewarding thing, you just have to stick together.

hi! i am sad to know that your into this situation. to start with i believe there will be solution to that problem and i am hoping that ideas shared by mylotters will help you and your partner decide on what actions to take. here are my thoughts about your situation. 1. You and your partner should talk about the issue about the kids behavior. you should not take this for granted because in here lies the future of the kids not only his kids but yours also. you and your partner should go into the grass root of the problem so that you can come up with the best solution. 2. Seek help of a guidance counselor or a behavior psychologist or anybody who is in the right position to fix this mess. the children are maybe taking revenge because they might not like you or your relationship with their dad. 3. for the meantime, communicate with his kids. let them know that inspite of their being like that is they are being loved by you and by their dad. 4. pray for your family and for your situation. it is said that in difficult times all we have to do is to pray be blessed and keep smiling!

First, I'm tired. If I ramble, please forgive me. Second, this is in no way, shape or form, directed at you messageme. :) Third, *sighs* I'm disappointed in some of these replies. Some of them come across as "they're HIS kids, let HIM deal with it!" Tell me please, at what point and time did society decide that step parents shouldn't take an active parenting role? When a parent with kids marries somebody else, they have hopefully, spent enough time with the person to know what kind of a parent they would be to their children. I know I lived with my husband for two years before marriage to make sure he'd be good for my kids! Tell me, where to you see the word "step" in the word "family"? You don't. It was added in by society in general. I remember when I got married, the first thing the judge did was talk to the kids and make it very clear to them that once the "I do's" were done, they had another father. I am sorry for ranting here, but half of what's wrong with today's society comes down to parents, biological and otherwise, not taking responsibility for their children. Instead, they pass that responsibility off on somebody else. And it needs to stop. In this day and age, it's perfectly normal for a kid to have more than one mom, and more than one dad. One mom and dad by nature, and one (or more!) by nurture. And once a kid calls you "mom" or "dad" guess what? You are now their mom or their dad! It's what the heart tells them, and tells YOU. If you don't want the responsibility for kids that aren't biologically yours, do not marry somebody that has children already. (again, not directed at you, messageme. There is no "his kids" or "her kids" when it comes to a family. There is only OUR KIDS. Messageme, these are your kids now too. The only difference is, you haven't been around since they were born to form that maternal bond with them. That bond is what is used for discipline. Without it, kids won't learn all of the things that you have to teach them. Without it, they won't trust you or accept your discipline. It is likely that you aren't the only woman that daddy has had in their lives. Add onto this the natural distrust of females that they will have because of their mom not being a steady part of the picture also. Even if you are the one he married, that may not trust that you'll be sticking around. The things that I outlined in my previous response are things that need to be done to form that bond with the kids. Now, you may be thinking "oh, we did bond already and we love each other very much!" But it's evident by your topic, and your responses, that there is no bond what so ever. Work on building that bond now. You can't do anything else with those kids until that bond is formed. It's not going to happen over night, but it will happen. Shift your focus to the entire family, and pulling the family together. You are the matriarch of that family. So this is your job. It's the job you signed on for the very second that you said "I do." And remember, every kid is different. What works for one kid is not gonna work for another in the family. You have to be patient, and find what works for each child in the family. It isn't blood that makes a family. It's love. Love really IS enough, if you allow it to be. Love really CAN fix this, if you allow it to. Allow your heart, and allow LOVE to guide you on this path. Keep love in your heart, not anger or frustration, when you're interacting with the kids. Keep love in your heart when you're having to discipline the kids. And form that bond that needs to be formed!

NO,NO and NO!Don't give up the HOPE!Don't let your family fail =/. Only two things are coming to my mind. First opinion (which I highly recommend) is to search for someone which has spiritual gift as they main skill in their life(they are not same like other people),try to tell him/her your problem and pray it will do wonders!I dunno which religion you belong,but it doesn't matter as its positive!I am from Serbia,so I am an Christian. (This has helped me a lot.I was in the same position as the children you mention) Second opinion (which I don't recommend at all)is to visit a psychologist ,but its only ending with drinking pills which will not really make them happy. Your Family is in my prayers! Don't give up the hope please!

Actually you are right in saying that they are what they are already. What you have to do right now is just enjoy your life with you partner who you said is the perfect partner to be. I think it is more of the responsibility of the father to tend to this kind of problem. I think growing in an environment without a mother to guide them might cause them to be like this in their behavior. I also suspect this that this kids are doing this to make you uncomfortable in living together with their dad. By doing this mischiefs they attract attention either from you or from their father. I guess this is their way to express their disapproval of you or resistance to accept you in their family. If you really want them to change it would not take overnight to really reform them to what you want. Patience and understanding is the only key to solving them and you not to allow yourself in what they want to get from you, being a victim of them. Being disgusted and crumpy all the time is just what they wanted from you then reverse the situation and live the life you want with your man and his kids. Hopefully they would understand the and appreciate you in their life.

[i]Hi messageme, I agree with the point that your kids need to have a healthy and positive environment or else, they will grow up absorbing the negativity and bad habit of the other kids, how about the mother of your bf's kids? I can imagine how hard it is....If I were in your situation, I will just tell my bf to give some punishment to those kids if ever they will continue those bad habits, it's hard to change them but at least, he can try to minimize it by establishing some rules! I hope someone here can give you more valid and more experienced advices! [/i]

Go as your heart and your mind desire. It's always difficult when your heart and your mind are in conflict. Your heart is telling you to stay whereas your mind is telling you to leave. It takes a lot of love, time and patience to reform such kids. There are definitely reasons behind their actions. They may be trying to seek for attention. If they are left alone, they may turn out to be gangsters in the future. I'm sure both you and your man do not want to see that happening. Either way, the kids need to be reformed. I hope your heart and your mind will come to a consensus soon and you will make a decision you will not regret.

I have a thing for kids. Same case is in my close relation. I trained the kids mom for this. Whenever a kid commit mistake, he get embarrassed for a while and then forget. Also when the kids need your assistance, they urge to you. The trick here was interesting. The mom never fulfilled the kids, untill they say sorry. It was difficult but she managed though keeping him crying. Meantime this time she continuously kept telling about his last mistake. After about 2 hours the keed itself agreed the mistake and promised not to do it again. Yet he forgot after few moments. Then she started remembering his promise. But she done a good thing when the kid did agreed mistake, she loved him more than his expectation. After six months the kid got learnt, if I get good love after being wise, why should I go wrath? Result was positive but it was only possible due to her strong stand, not to fulfill kid's need untill he agree at any cost.

Welcome my friend, to life as a step mother! *grins* Ain't it grand? His kids sound just like every other child I have ever met that was raised by a single father! They sound like they have learned all of the very basic male traits. Guess what? They HAVE! That's cause their parental figure is male, and he was likely doing it mostly on his own without a maternal figure around. Kids learn the calm, and the positivity, and do unto others from their maternal figures. They learn the aggressiveness, the go go go, etc, from their paternal figures. It is the combination of both a maternal figure and a paternal figure that produces well rounded individuals. But that doesn't help you much, does it? First, take a very deep breath. Take some YOU time. You need to rest, relax, and recharge. It is hard to be the positive one when you are filled with so much negativity! Now, onto the children! Remember with your kids, when they were little, how much time you spent with them? Dads tend to not spend as much time as moms do. Your kids got to benefit from your wisdom and your guidance, and they got that time to bond with you. The step kids didn't though. In this society, parents forget the importance of 'mommy and me' time. So here is my advice. Six kids, right? Each kid gets their own special you time one day a week. Make sure it's a different day each week, or you'll wear yourself out. Take the teen out to lunch. Take the younger ones for a walk. go to a park and actually PLAY with the kid. do puzzles with them. Invest in legos and do a lego project with them! When my kids are acting out the most, we do chores together. For example, just last week my teen and I cleaned out the back shed. It is a bonding moment whenever you two have to do something TOGETHER. Dinner time is a time for family. Everyone gathers around the table to eat dinner. Every kid has a job to do to prepare the family for dinner. Even the littlest ones can help by putting the napkins on the table. Everyone sits down to eat and the parents do not get up from the table until every child has finished dinner. It's a great time to talk! When the children are being loud and noisy, very calmly sit down and tell them, in a quiet inside voice, "I'm very sorry to ask this of you, but the extra noise really hurts my ears very badly. Can you please talk a little quieter for me?" and for heaven's sakes, turn the tv down! They learn to be loud by how loud they hear others talking. The tv being too loud teaches them to talk very loudly. After dinner, it's family time together. Maybe you all watch tv, or even just read a book. But whatever you do, it's done together as a family. That whole family bonding thing. Take them all for a walk. go invade McDonald's for ice cream. Whatever. A half hour or hour before each child's bedtime, they go to their own rooms for quiet time before bed. This is their unwind time, and YOUR unwind time. As a parent, you don't go to sleep until al the kids are asleep. So the quicker they fall asleep, the quicker you do too! One day a week, Saturday or Sunday, is for the entire family. This is the day that is not already occupied by a kid. :) This is when you all go out and do something together. Go to a movie. Rent a movie. Go clean a park. Go volunteer at the animal shelter. Walk around the mall for no good reason. go be silly! Our family once made a big deal of going out in public, and acting as though we were martians! We even went so far as to make up our own language for it. *grins* Even my teenager got into the act. And every night, after the kids are in bed, that is your time with your husband. Even if they aren't all asleep yet. If they come out of their rooms, you remind them politely, 'family time is over for tonight. Now it is quiet time. Daddy and I are having our time together, but I promise, we'll all have time together again tomorrow.' Lastly, remember, treat the kids as you want them to treat you. Be respectful towards them, even when you're getting onto them. They aren't dogs, so they don't respond well to commands, but they will respond much better to requests. Know when it is time to give a reason, and when it is time to just say "because I said so!" And remember, they are kids. They are meant to be loud, disruptive, and inconsiderate of everyone else around them. If they weren't, they wouldn't be kids, they'd be adults! :) You'll make it. You aren't a bad parent at all. You're a step parent. And being a step parent is often even harder than being a biological parent. Bonding is the key. It's always the key.

Indeed a difficult predicament. First of all I would not put yourself down for considering leaving. It is not stupid to consider your options when something is having such a heavy impact on your life. Thinking about what affect this is having/ is going to have on your own children is very prudent. In the end I would suggest that you put your own kids first and make a decision that will protect their own interest. Now about his kids - first of all there must be a considerable degree of separation between your parenting skills and his since his kids behave nothing like your own (kudos to you). Perhaps you can offer some advice to him; however, this probably will end up going beyond the casual "hey maybe you should try this". It sounds like you are preparing to either make a major commitment or move on. Usually I would say that you should not make other people's problems your own but if you are going to stay with him then it will be your problem. I think you should make this clear to him that this is the case and something must be done. I would not expect that this would be an easy conversation to have but probably is a necessary one for your health, your children's health, and the health of the relationship. Exactly how do you do something about the kids? Well actually watching Nanny911 or SuperNanny might not be a bad idea but I really doubt that they are too old and that you should just give up. I think the bottom line is that you must convince him that he is not looking out for his own kids best interests by allowing them to behave in such a way. Then you can find out what may turn things around whether it be family counseling, the techniques of the shows, or whatever else.