will you forgive your friend if he/she betrays you?
By jismol
@jismol (71)
India
December 15, 2008 6:26am CST
I had this very dear close friend of mine & she betrayed me at the time when i needed her the most. The pain & anger that i felt at that time is undescribable. But i have moved on & so did she. After a couple of years we met each other in a function. She tried to be friendly & tried to speak to me but i couldnt really forget my pain.I was very formal & showed a polite indifference to her. Does anyone have a similar experience & if you did, where you able to forgive your friend?
10 people like this
63 responses
@krfanlim (232)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 08
Yeah, i have been betrayed before, and in fact, a couple of times, by different people.
And through the course of time, i have developed a personality that makes me hard to trust everyone. So i need time to start bonding with people and all...
But i don't usually forgive a person who has betrayed me. And even if i do, there will still be a scar left behind, and because of that scar, the reputation of that person would have been tainted, and i'll never be able to be any closer to that person than before.
@hisbabydoll (228)
• Ecuador
15 Dec 08
Such drama. Get over it. If it was a real and solid betrayal, then continue NOT being friends with her and get on with your life. Three years is a long time to hold a grudge. It's only hurting you. Let it go and forgive her. That's not to say you have to be friends with her or even talk to her again. Just understand there MIGHT be some reason she did whatever it was she did, and even if there was not - sometimes people just behave badly. It doesn't always make them bad people.
Let it go, forgive her, get on with your life - but count it as a lesson learned. If you don't feel you can trust her, don't be her friend. It's as simple as that. Don't hold it against future friends. They didn't betray you. If you build a wall to never get hurt, you'll never experience life. Life is pain sometimes. Accept that fact, and get on with it.
@anyoung (75)
• India
15 Dec 08
jismol, If anything like this happens to me, I would first find out the reason Of the betrayal. If its something genuine reason than i will forgive my friend and if it is petty, and self oriented reason. I will break my friendship with him right away, even if it happens to be my best friend, because friendship is all about faith and trust. And I am sure if its your best friend he\she will do everything but to betray you.
2 people like this
@jismol (71)
• India
15 Dec 08
actually anyoung, i did know the reason...i called her up when i knew abt it & she confirmed it & at tht moment the pain tht i felt is beyond words since we were tht gr8 buddies....I had a prob recovering from it....Now i am ok...its been a few yrs now...like around 3 yrs exactly...so i am fine...i've just a few good friends now & i am happy with them...Thanks for your comments....I really appreciate it :)
@moneymaya (901)
• India
15 Dec 08
friend since I have also faced such situation so I would like you to suggest that you should had tried to first clarifies the situation that why she didn't near to you at the time when you really need her , perhaps there may be some cause , if you find that her cause is some thing that may be can't ignored then you should take decision, but according to you its has been long time now , and she is trying to be friendly then accoding to me she is not aware from your pain and sorrow so I think its again time you should have ask her reason of that moment , other wise its you fault and she is clear from there side, and you always feel bad for her but she will always try to be friendly and I think we should give 2 or 3 time maximum to check some friends reallity . cheers :-)
1 person likes this
@jismol (71)
• India
15 Dec 08
well friend, actually i did clarify it with her at that time & she confirmed it & it was the way she replied tht really hurt me the most....You r Right on one thing though...She really wasnt tht aware of my pain....Maybe she didnt have tht gr8 a regard as i had for her....But b4 tht incident we were very very close buddies.....never even had a fight....dunno wat made her do it...but the thing was she just betrayed.....& as for me i think whatever maybe the situation, u shud stick with ur friend, whether she is good or bad, right or wrong....Ya its been 3 yrs now since this incident & she might have forgotten or maybe she might have felt a guilt or remorse or watever & maybe thts y she wanted or tried to talk to me....But as far as i am concerned, she has done the damage & its finito....No amt of explanation can change it....thnx for ur response :)
@moneymaya (901)
• India
16 Dec 08
hmm, situation is looking some how typicall, according to your condition I am thinking that your friend could not understand your feelings thats why and she is taking it as a practical life but you are looking some emotional , so what you will do now , will you forget her or what else...
@jismol (71)
• India
17 Dec 08
Well ya i just chose to forget her...for me now she became a person who was once a good friend of mine....I would talk to her if i met her again, but tht wub be it...I started this discussion to know how each of u would react to a similar situation & not to judge anyone on anything....most of the ppl seem to think its a boy prob like we had crush or love on the same guy & we r fighting over tht :)...its nothing like tht....No guys involved here :)
@lockheart (1405)
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
of course if you are angry, you would say you wont forgive your friend for he or she betray you.. but everybody deserves a second chance and we just need to learn how to forgive people because it is something that others have given to use when we are the ones who committed mistakes.. personally, i have an experience that i get angry with my friend and i didnt forgive her and its my conscience thats making me worry and until now we are not talking to each other...
2 people like this
@jismol (71)
• India
15 Dec 08
yes friend.... i agree with u tht by forgiving we will be liberating ourselves from the anger & pain....but i just cant seem to do it in her case cause she was tht close a friend of mine....So i must say it is hard to practice :)...i dont think i'd be able to forgive her really....thank u for ur comments :)
@Rexdoron (345)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 08
Hello there jismol!
Yes, I agree that betrayal is one of the worse thing to do.
I feel sorry for you and I know and understand how you feel.
Well, to be true, I have never been betrayed by any of my friend. But, I have a story of myself that may interest you.
He is a friend of me, and we have never had any problem between us. One day, he got angry with me for the thing I did not do. He yelled at me like a crazy men, in front of my housemates. He also pushed me back and kicked the toilet's door until there is a hole there (I was about to go out from the toilet when he came).
I did not yell back at him, nor push him back. I remained silence and when he asked me why I did that, I said, I did not do that thing (I think better I keep secret what is the thing all about). He kept bawling at me, and few moments then, he went back to his house.
Suprisingly, the next day he said to me "It is done, no more worry ok?". Yes! He did. We shaked hand, and hugged each other. And I just forget what he did to me, although it humiliated me, and if my apartment management get to know about the door, maybe we both need to pay fot it.
So, what I'm trying to say is, do forgive your friend. People do change, and maybe she have realise her deed to you and wanted you to forgive her. You dont want your past mistakes haunted you as well right.?
Gudluck friend!
2 people like this
@troyski (103)
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
betrayal is one of the most worse things anyone could probably do to me.
i really take this one super personally. i mean you can go about insulting me, borrowing money and not returning it, physically hurting me, i can probably go about and let these go. but not betrayal.
i really have a thing about this. i've been betrayed a number of times in the past and i've also since then, cut all ties with the culprits. i know its not right. but i really don't think i'll be able to forgive or even forget what these people have done.
1 person likes this
@hisbabydoll (228)
• Ecuador
15 Dec 08
I agree up until a point. It would tend on the classification of "betrayal". We still don't know what the friend did to the original poster? Was there actual back-stabbing involved, or just perceived betrayal. Did she ever sit down and try to find out what exactly happened?
A lot of time people jump to conclusions about betrayal. For instance, I had one friend want me to stop being friends with another friend because she had "stolen her boyfriend". In the meantime, there was no stealing involved. He broke up with her, and then he started dating the other friend. While this goes against the "girlfriend code" of not dating a girl friend's ex, it's not a betrayal. The second couple was REALLY in love, whereas the first girl was dating the guy for two weeks. She didn't really like him that much, she just didn't want someone else to have him.
The jolted friend decided I was betraying her because I stayed friends with the other girl. To that I say "whatever". Friends can't tell you who to like, and they can't make you be enemies with other people because of their personal grudges. We're not puppets, and sometimes we can see the bigger picture more clearly than a jolted girlfriend.
Betrayal in my books, is a bigger picture thing. In fact, if I had someone who constantly insulted me, stole from me and physically hurt me I would call that a betrayal of basic trust and respect. I'd be less likely to stay friends with that sort of person, then some percieved slight I made up in my head because I was feeling vulnerable and needy.
I'd really like the original poster to give us a clearer picture of the situation. Sounds more like she's just looking for ammo to hurl at her ex-friend. "My lot responders think you SUCK and I shouldn't stay friends with you."
2 people like this
@anonymili (3138)
•
16 Dec 08
This is so bizarre - I had a "friend A" who insisted I stopped talking to another friend B because she stole her "man" - except friend A only had a one night stand with the guy that friend B ended up marrying! What similar stories - obviously there are more people who behave like school girls than we know in this world haha!
@cheenlly (3476)
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
i was once betrayed not by one one friend but most of the friends i treated as true friends genuinely but one hard lesson i have learned in my whole life is that there are people or friends that are just fake-whom are just pretender. You will know who are true friends are when times that you are down most. I have one friend that i treated as very true friend but when i was in my lowest point of my life i have known the painful fact that she is just a fake friend. Its very painful but i had to move on. Before that i did my part to save the relationship as i thought that was true friends are but i was wrong because it was just a one sided relationship. The time has come that i had to give up the friendship because i had to left at least a bit pride for myself. Its one in a half year now since the last time we talk. Probably i i can forgive her but the trust that i used to give her is not there anymore sad to say the friendship will not be re-gain anymore. We just have to deal with it and move on with our own lives.
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10874)
•
16 Dec 08
There is no doubt about it that betrayal is a heart-wrenching thing. However, for my own peace of mind I would forgive my friend. Forgiveness is not something that is easy to define because it involves allowing the mind to go over and over the events of the betrayal but holding on to an intent of forgiveness. I have forgiven many of my friends over the years, but that doesn't mean that I keep in contact with them, as that is not necessary if you feel that it's best not to. :-) Derek
1 person likes this
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
20 Dec 08
[i]Hello jismol,
I think it will be hard for me to do it but I am willing to forgive a friend who betrayed me. It is important for me not to live any grudge in this life and once the pain is gone, I usually forgive a friend even though we have not seen each other. I good to forgive so the healing process will start.
Regards.[/i] 
1 person likes this
@elizabeth2007 (27)
• China
15 Dec 08
if I were you I don't forgive her forever, because she is no longer my friend
but you know I had a colleague who ever had a similar experience before, she retire before many years ago , when I met her last week , she told me she forgive her friend , and now they have became closer. my mother too
I don't know why , maybe when I older I can do ,but now I don't forgive her.
1 person likes this
@dont_pick_your_nose (2279)
• Australia
15 Dec 08
I don't know if you can ever completly forgive them but sometimes you need to do something so the two of you can move on. Of course we could let these things go on and on and on or we could simply turn our backs on this person that was once sconsidered a friend. It's a hard decision and there are no real right or wrong answer more a personal preferrance for each situation.
1 person likes this
@6precious102 (4043)
• United States
20 Dec 08
I have not had a situation that caused me to feel the betrayal you seem to feel, but I hope I'd be able to forgive. I honestly believe that the only person who is hurt by unforgiveness is the person who refuses to forgive.
@rockoftheisland (3)
• Philippines
16 Dec 08
One of the common adage I read about dealing with betrayal is that "Diagnose then Prescribe" which simply means find out the real cause before jumping to a conclusion. It hurts especially that the one who stab at you is your best friend. It reminds me of a saying that "best friends are sometimes our worst enemy". Talk to him/her first before you severe that relation nurtured for so many years. That is one way of getting away from being biased and defensive with our feelings. Though we can consider that new friends are good but still old friends are best. Those are silver (new) while the others are gold. Hear his side first because the reason why we are given two ears and one mouth, so that we can hear more and talk less.
1 person likes this
@jismol (71)
• India
16 Dec 08
:) thank u so much for the advice....i did talk talk to her & i am not jumping into conclusions....anyways i do have few "gold" friends....i am happy with them & she might be having hers...But the magic of friendship tht we shared is lost....it couldnt be brought back....I dont think anything bad for her....but she wont be a part of my life again...thts all....but i will always keep in mind abt wat u said...thanks
1 person likes this
@ljy559 (181)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 08
ugh, I hate it when people betray me. I would forgive that person, but betrayal would create this invincible barrier between you and your friend, and everytime you see her, your relationship with your friend would be 'blocked' by that barrier because everytime you see her, you would remember the pain...
If I were in your shoes, I would still talk to her, talk as in casual talking and try to be friendly...just so that she wouldn't feel hurt or anything...
1 person likes this
@jismol (71)
• India
15 Dec 08
U r right....there will be this invisible barrier once the damage is done...i did have a casual talk to her when we met again...i mean more like answered her questions just as i wud to a perfect stranger....very impersonal....& i think she was hurt at my behaviour, but frankly, i dont care anymore :)....Thank u for ur comment
@shonali (1286)
• India
16 Dec 08
well i am really not sure about betrayal as i guess i havent really been betrayed ever and dont know how it feels...though i know it should feel real horrid... but also depends on the type of friendship both share....
if its like best friends then its definately going to be much more difficult and if its just aquaintance or a casual friend then it becomes a little more easy...
if i assume it to be my best friend i guess i would forgive her probably after a whole lot of discussions but i wont be able to trust her completely after that .....
and if it was just a casual friend then i dont think i would forgive her..... i would straight tell her to walk her own path and let me walk mine as i would never be able to trust her in any condition......
and betrayal is one thing i keep myself far away from,
i have heard so many stories of sisters betraying their own siblings and best friends cheating on one another..... i just dont get it.... how can they do such low life things?
to people they love so much ?
@applefreak (3130)
• Singapore
16 Dec 08
well it all depends on what she has done. especially after the whole thing is over. did she apologise or at least show remorse over what she has done? if she didn't then i don't really see what's there to forgive.
forgiveness is given to those who ask for it. if she didn't apologise, that means she didn't feel that she did anything wrong. if that's the way she feels, then there is nothing to forgive, really.
@d_praerawan (7)
• Indonesia
16 Dec 08
as a human, we have to forgive him or her whatever they mistakes. but tell they! don't make a same mistakes...if they do same mistakes...they are up to you...but do not to close they again if you don't want break heart again. thanks
1 person likes this
@linda9988 (31)
• China
16 Dec 08
she/he does not present at the place you need her/ him. I think it can not be called "betrays you". Though I do not know your detailed condition, I have to say so.
But maybe I will do the same as you. Since I am women just like you. :-)
1 person likes this
@TrayBlaylock (630)
• United States
16 Dec 08
I am a very forgiving person so it all matters to what he or she did. Then again, if you keep betraying my trust, I have no other choice but to ban you. Ban you from my life! I've actually banned quite a few people in the last year for being crappy friends. I have new friends though so that's all that matters.
1 person likes this
@twinklee (894)
• India
16 Dec 08
Hi,
i dint face any situation like yours. But i would like to share my views. To forgive your friend? you need to decide upon many factors, whether she will repeat the same if you give her another chance?, did she betrayed you because of any unavoidable situation? And it also depends upon your character. If i had been in your situation i would have probably replied this way " I will forgive her and i would tell her , i have no hard feelings on you, but i also have my emotions playing with me, i really got hurt when you avoided me. i don't want this to happen further. So i will move away from you."
So think about your character and judge.
you can go down to an extent , remember you have our own feelings. :)
Take care :)
@jismol (71)
• India
17 Dec 08
well, u r right...i did try to find out the reason for wat she did, but at tht time she kinda reacted more like "yea i did, so wats the prob" kinda attitude & thts wat really hurt me then....We didnt have any fight as such...When she said tht she did it, i said then ok, i think u dont care for my friendship as much as i do, so from hereon i wont be keeping any contact with u again & finally said have a good life ahead....Thts it :)....Now i dont have any hard feelings for her nor am i bothered abt her....she just became a person i once knew...thnks for ur reply :)
@twinklee (894)
• India
17 Dec 08
Yeah..good n gurre8 choice. You made this policy " I don't have an enemy in my life".
And also you din't hurt her . Its a genuine way of relieving from the problems you faced. Now don't think about the past. Take everything lightly. Keep rocking :)
Take care :))
