Divorce

Hi Dandan, Once again, I wish your thoughts could work for me and my situation. You wrote this, "As you grow up in a whole family, you may not understand the feeling. I know time is hard for you. To solve the problem, I think you'd better to take it with your wife. Tell her that you work hard for your family, and you want the money is to make sure your children can get better life and education. On the view of a mother, i think your wife may change her idea." Allow me to interject here a few things, I'll post and edit the quoted text to add clarification. You wrote: "As you grow up in a whole family, you may not understand the feeling." I say: I did not grow up in a whole family my parents also got divorced and I hated that, I think I wrote about that in another reply on this post. You wrote: "I know time is hard for you. To solve the problem, I think you'd better to take it with your wife. Tell her that you work hard for your family, and you want the money is to make sure your children can get better life and education." I say: This is impossible, she will not allow me to talk to her or our children, she has called the police to chase me away from their rented property and she did know that if we could have managed to inherit her fathers house that house could have been used for us to be able to get our own dream house or for our children's education. She chose to make a decision on her own with out my consultation and she refused to rescind that decision once she told me what she had decided to do even though I tried to explain why. And before I could explain my intentions I had to deal with an angry presumptive wife that accused me of only wanting to marry her for her father's house. She made all the assumptions and decisions and accused me with out really knowing my heart, and when we dated we even talked about future plans and dreams. She obviously did not trust me from day one, another reference I eluded to in another reply that I should have known from the beginning but I played dumb and naive, I knew, I just couldn't believe that she was going to abuse me as she has and continues to do so. I could do another post just on that issue called spousal abuse. Men are not the only aggressors. You say: "On the view of a mother, i think your wife may change her idea." I say: "Look Dandan, I am trying to tell you that I've tried every which way to convince my wife that I Love her and respect her, she does things with out telling me and can not be trusted, she is abusive and controlling and will not reach out or apologize for the hurt she brings into our relationship. Her view hasn't ever changed because of being abused by her father. She is on the attack as though she needs to defend herself from me and keep me from our children. I know her mind, and I don't like how she has played me like a mouse in her paws, or as the dominant dog in the pack. She will not support me as a partner and that is not a relationship that will ever work. Staying together for the sake of the children would never work as my daughter knows and has even said that it is better that we do not live in the same house. My daughter knows that her mother is abusing me and she knows that there is no love in her mother's heart for me. It is dangerous for me to live with my wife. My wife is plotting a trap for me and wants to hurt me. She has done it before and I see her doing it again. I am not going to get hurt like that again. I shed tears on Thanksgiving when I wasn't allowed to give my children a hug and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. Imagine a person that can't even say please leave go away or I'll call the police if you don't leave. My wife never said that she just called the police and they asked me to leave. I never expected that from my wife, but I know why she did it and that is because my step mother told her to do that to me. I know that my step mother is behind my not being able to see my children. There is much to what is going on and it all ties together. I wish I could tell you more but it is too sad... Way to sad to share at this time or at this moment. This is supposed to be a season of joy and happiness. What once was is now done, It is time to move on, A new day has dawned, I seek to have a Blessed Christmas, Happy Holidays, Sincerely, Gary

I am sorry that i can not make things very clear. As you say that you can not have chance to talk with your wife any more, she does not love you anymore,now think about devioce. My personal suggestion is as follows: 1. Leave your wife, you can not keep your family any more.To you, you can get nothing from the family, while to your children grow up in a family with fight everyday is aslo not good. But you should get the custodial right of your children. 2.Let your wife take her responsibility to your children, she should pay more than half of your children's education. Your children has the right to ask their mother for that. If you can not make it, I think maybe it is your problems not your wife's.

As my parents divorced when I was ten years old. The reason for the divorce is that my father hs another woman and beat my mother. So to me, no matter how hard my life will be , I do not wabnt to get any money from my father. After I entered the college, i refuse to get moeny form my father, I try my best to get scholarship and part-time job to support myself. Sometimes I get help from my mother. To me, getting money from my father is more than an insult. As you grow up in a whole family, you may not understand the feeling. I know time is hard for you. To solve the problem, I think you'd better to take it with your wife. Tell her that you work hard for your family, and you want the money is to make sure your children can get better life and education. On the view of a mother, i think your wife may change her idea. Good luck for you.

I actually had no issue with how our family court handled matters and in fact I found them to be very fair in their dealings with me. Sure I probably allowed my now ex-wife a fair amount of latitude over certain things but at least I know that I did the best I could for my children by doing/allowing what I did. It is good that you are getting on with your life and hopefully you will still be able to maintain a healthy relationship with your children. I was able to do that and am thankful for it. There are two things which are important to remember. Both of the couple have to accept that in some way they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. In my case I do not accept the infidelity of my ex-wife but I also u nderstand that I either did or did not do something which eventually led to her seeking company elsewhere. The other thing is that I cannot say I regret my marriage. To regret the marriage or to wish that it never took place would be the same as denying my children. In many ways, it would be saying they should not exist in fact because if I had not married their mother, then I would not have my 2 daughters. So, some good came from the marriage and that is why I cannot wish I had never met or married their mother. As long as you have someone independant to talk to about the issues surrounding your mariage and the breakdown of it, you will be able to see a goo d life ahead of you. At least you will have gotten rid of some of that excess baggage.

Hey' Thank You, That sounds so familiar, the covering up for the ex and all using the children as tools and weapons, yep I can totally relate, it is a form of spousal abuse sanctioned by the courts. I certainly think that the laws need to be changed and that the rules need to be more equitable for both partners especially when one wants to be so dominant that the other is cut out of the picture. Early, mid or late stages I am ready to move on and have things in the works for a more fulfilling future. I'm glad to hear of your experiences with counseling I have some strength if my friend also desires to work with me, I think that two people can do a lot on their own to circumvent the mistakes of the past, especially if the mistakes of the past are falling more on the shoulders of the first wife and her childhood and influence by other family members. For me I can see now where cutting off contact by those who have set out to attack or destroy my first marriage would be a benefit and if that is all it takes is to surround myself with supportive people and only family members that will be supportive of me and who ever I am a partner with then I have a chance to find happiness with anyone that wishes to be a part of my life to share that happiness with me and our future together. I might be a leader and I can follow, most importantly I want to be a partner with a helper and a help to those that are helping me. Certainly I don't want to be a puppet controlled by people pulling my strings or cutting them to pick me up one day and drop me the next. I certainly don't like being kicked around or having my physical well being threatened. The Fourth Amendment the right to safe haven in our own homes. Safety in the pursuit of personal happiness is certainly an unalienable right. I'm glad that you have found yours... Peace and Blessings, Thank You, Sincerely, Gary

Yeah, I used to think like you do, but now I see that I was taking on guilt that I wasn't responsible for. I had and have control of my behavior and I see that my wife had set up for herself a high place over me. In which case she has now total control and cut me off from having any contact with my children. Now I have to say that I'm really upset that I ever got involved with a woman of the sort that is my ex or soon to be ex spouse. She was not always the way she is now, but I also see where her influence has come from and they are not good sources of influence. They are all criminals. So with that said, I miss access to my children and my grandmother as my step mother controls my grandmother and that estate and is controlling my ex spouse and what my ex spouse is doing to me with the children. The children are the weapons of the women in my family, you should have seen what my aunts did to their ex spouses. My mother and my ex spouse and my step mother are the three wicked witches of the area and they have done evil towards me and my loved ones. I wish I could say that our situations are similar, I'm in the fight of my life just to survive and if I come out of this on the other side then I will have a real story to share. What a nightmare. On the bright side I am moving forward and what has been done will have to be sorted out in the future at its appropriate time. And that time is coming very soon, for I want to live again, and I am hoping that I will have the opportunity to live a full and rewarding life. Peace and Blessings, and thanks for sharing. I am encouraged even if our situations are quite a bit different. I wish it was as simple as you described, I happen to be the exception to every rule... Of that it is my nature and I've known that for a long time... So be it... I can't change the facts as they exist, I can only expose what is going on... I will see this all through to the end one way or another. And I will hold my head high as I go through the trial once again, for I know I did not do what I was accused of doing. I also know what was done to me. For the Love of GOD, I pray for peace and blessings to all who know Love, Peace and Blessings... What about the rest? What rest? As I look to the future those that are not working towards peace and harmony will not exist with the source of eternal life beyond their few short years here on Earth, the sinners will either vanish or be banished as outcasts to the most extreme distances of the universe maybe to some far out black hole to be held for eternity alone and lost in space. I've done my part to ask for forgiveness, I'm clean... I learned my lessons at an early age... My father taught me well, Sincerely, Gary

Thank You for your kind response, I once thought that prayers brought the Blessings of GOD, but I have found out that through prayer and through the power of Church leadership they can destroy marriages just as quickly as they can bind two people together. It is sad. They failed to hear me and the communication was cut off as I was excommunicated and they did not know. I think somebody prayed a curse upon me and my family... I think I know the father that cursed his own daughter. Peace be with you, Blessings, Sincerely, Gary

Ones again I feel sorry about that, but I still believe that if your church fails to listen to you, by your faith GOD will certainly listen to you.

Yes, I never wanted to get divorced, I thought we that is the two of us my wife and I understood that point. I was wrong about what my wife understood, you can always lead them to water but you can't make them drink, you can expose people to thoughts but you can't always make them understand. You can offer a person a book but you can't make the other person comprehend. Reading is simple, understanding is easy, you just have to want to. How do you create the desire and want for anything? Remember you might not be fighting an individual but the individual you are attempting to encourage could be guided by other forces or people with bad intent. So I never wanted my children to experience divorce, but I didn't want them to be raised in a dysfunctional relationship either. It seems that my wife had her own independent ideas on what she wanted or she was coerced into having ideas to cast me out of the picture and encouraged to prevent me from having any associations with our children. So how do you stop divorce? You can't make a person love another person if they don't... As I said above the nails in the coffin of my marriage are driven deep and the lid is tightly shut. Several of the four fundamentals that make a relationship work are missing; trust, communication, admiration or respect and the ability to give are all missing. There is no foundation to build upon. It is not a healthy relationship. At some point even the Captain of the unsinkable Titanic knew that the ship was going to be lost at sea. We would all know the truth eventually.

This sounds like a truely stubborn and confused woman. If she was entitled to her fathers estate why would she not want to contest it unless she feels that she wants nothing of him. In which case you say he was an awful man and did things to hurt her and this then may very well be the case. She may see it better to fulfill his wishes than to drag out a long court hearing for something she may not even feel entitled to. In any instance she should not feel as she has to turn you against her as well. I do not understand why she woudld want to turn on you. It seems to me in a time like this is when you would need the one you are suppossed to love. In any instance I hope all works out well for the both of you. I hope you can enjoy a Merry Christmas despite the things going on around you. scarletrose_2000

I wish we could remain civil, unfortunately, things are not like that...

are their children involved?

Thank You and yes my plate is full, there is so much going on if only I could write it all up at one time and deal with it in an instant... I must be patient and in time it will all work out...

Thank You, I appreciate your understanding... :) Peace and Blessings to you and yours, Sincerely, Gary

That is what I've been accused of, and no I didn't go into marriage for the money, when her father passed on I expected that the estate he owned would be passed on to her so that we could then be in a better position for our future, she gave up her rights to her father's estate with out talking to me and she blamed me for thinking about our future and what we could have done for our children and ourselves. I went into the marriage to be part of a team, to be a partner with my spouse, she cut me out of the team and made decisions on her own. Does that help a little? If not let's look at it this way, is a person just a person or are they who they are including what they own? We are all carrying our personal possessions and bring them with us where ever we go, where we have our possessions that is where we call home. You can't separate the person from their property but a person can give their property to another person. As an individual you have the right to do what you want with your property but as a partner in a marriage you will always have to consider your spouse. Let's take this one step further, if you betray your spouse have you caused harm to your relationship with your spouse? If you care to discuss that last question, you can feel free to comment on my other discussion found here: http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1843835.aspx Thanks for asking, I hope I cleared that up for you and that you understand that I was not interested in my wife as a partner for her possessions but that I thought her possessions would be helpful for our future together as in our society every little bit helps. I think the real test would be what I would bring into our relationship assuming I was to inherit some or great wealth? This brings us back to why she acted the way that she did and was there a pattern of abuse and did she respect me enough to confide in me and communicate her dreams and desires to also know my dreams and desires. We were married but that is a thing of the past. The damage is done and that leads me into the next phase of my life. Did you ever get divorced?