Im in a controlling relationship, 2 kids, looking to get out---WDID????

I was married to such a man and the abuse gets worse in time. Seek the help of your local women's abuse center. They will give you advice and possibly councelling. If you need a restraining order they will go to court with you. I would not leave the kids with him!! I left with 3 kids and little money. It can be done and while you may be poor financially, it would be worse for them to be raised by an abusive person. You are NOT the cause of his violent temper and it won't go away just because you do. I know it is scary but once you are free, your confidence will begin to come back. Councelling helps a real lot and some offer councelling based on ability to pay so you may be able to get it free. I wish you the best on this.

Been there done that.......for 22 years. I began to worry that my teen-age daughters would think it was ok to be treated the way their dad treated me. I was lucky in the fact that I did work outside the home and had a support system in family and friends. Find you a support system. Get some counseling to rebuild your self-esteem and do not leave your kids behind. It took me months to get to where I could get out, but once I did, in spite of the financial hardship it was worth it. He remarried 3 weeks after the divorce was final!!! It's been 8 years and I am healthy and happy. It took a while to refind my old strong self, but I am sure you still have it in you. Best of luck. Save yourself and your kids.

You need to make a plan. This is not "nice", but honestly, he's moved past the point of nice. You are not responsible for his actions, you have not caused his behaviour, and you need to remove yourself from it. First, you need to remove documents - pack them up and take them to a friend's place. Second, you need to make sure your finances are in order. Cash is good. Make a stockpile, or set up a separate bank account. Third, leave. Don't tell anybody you're going and avoid telling your kids in advance, too. If the one you went to before was not helpful, try finding out about a more helpful one - call social services or the police for information. My birthmother had to leave my birthfather when we were kids. It had escalated to the point where he hit me. Don't let this happen to your daughters. My mom was scared, but her sisters helped her, and we stayed in a house for about a week, then my mom rented a place.

thank gah its not ur husband and only your bf , do you have any sort of money saved up ? i hope you have seperate bank accounts ..wow yeah your in a very serious situation right now and have not 1 but 2 lives to look out for right now , if you have a closer relative near by with a house id say move in with them til you get back on ur feet

To me it truely sound like you need to take those kids and get out. I feel sorry for you and hearing all that goes on. This kind of liveing situation is not good for you or your kids. If he has been like this for a long time now he isn't going to change any time soon. Please get yourself help, get the kids and get out you don't deserve this and neither do your kids. You should call that hot line for abusive relationships explain what is going on and they will make sure you are taken care of they will put you and your kids in a safe place away from him. I do hope everything is ok for you and your kids this just scares me hearing about it. Please be careful and keep safe for the sake of you and your kids your in my prayers good luck.

I think you pretty much have to look out for your kids. If this guy really is abusive, he's not going to be a great role model for your kids. You really don't have a lot of options, but this can only get worse. It probably would be best if you get out and use whatever means you have to keep your kids with you at all times. Get the police involved, anything. No woman should have to live in fear with her children.

You need family therapy. You need to be calm but your feet to the ground and talk to him seriously. Don't do it after he has come from a hard work. Sunday would be an ideal day when your partner is supposed to be more calm and relax. I would ask relatives or neighbours to take care of your kids whild you can go alone for a walk, or be in a environement totally different from home. Try to find an environment where you can talk freely but at the same time it is a public place. I hope that he can control his temper. It is better to fix what you have got rather than to break it. I am sure that you are with this man because you loved him. You had two kids together. Love should be nurtured otherwise it will die. I would speak my mind out with him. Seek professional help. Ask your parnter to seek help too, for the sake of your relationship for his own sake too. If I notice that he is not doing his utmost to fix things than separation or divorce might be a solution. But first I would try to make this marriage work. If not for you, for he sake of our own kids.

run but take your kids if you leave them with him they too will be in danger fine a safe house away from the neighbor hoods.i have listen to your story.this is what you must do is run and take your kids and don,t make excuses why your children should stay. if he is violent with you just think how mean he going to be with your girls.leaving behind he could hurt them as well as his self.he needed professional help from the mental health.take your life back he have stolen it from you.he is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.i hope you seek help soon as possible.the longer you stay the worse it going to get.

I don't know where you live but I would go talk to the police and ask about getting a restraining order against him or go to the local States Attorney - they should be able to help you get a restraining order through the courts and this will state the distance he has to stay away from you and the kids then go to Public Aid. They will help you and in our State they will also take him to court to obtain child support for the kids. It sounds to me like you need help fast but please don't even consider leaving your kids with this man or his family. Good luck.

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice a long time ago that helped me stand up for myself. That advice was to stand up to him and don't take any crap from him anymore. Sounds dangerous and it might be in your case if you feel that it would make things dangerous for you then don't do it but it wasn't dangerous for me it actually made him back down and I let him know I was not going to be bossed around and this meek little wife no freakin way! lol. For you I would get a job, and start hording money away save it in your bra sleep with it if you have to and when you get enough saved leave in the middle of the night with your kids, if you leave them behind then they are subjected to his anger over you leaving him, or you can leave during the day when he is at work. Plan on him being angry and upset go to the court house and get a restraining order I know some don't think they work but at least you can use it against him in court when you divorce him, it will help you get full custody of the kids. Find a friend or relative who will help you get out and help you with hiding from him. Before the divorce don't leave state with the kids that can be a bad thing in getting full custody, go to a different town maybe or something. Here in Oregon if you have physically taken the kids and they are with you then you can go down to the courthouse and get full custody without your spouse having to sign anything. One person I know wrote several letters saying that if anything happened to her or her children that it was her spouse who killed her then she gave all the letters to her friends and even put one in a safe deposit box. I hope you can find some kind of help maybe seeing a counselor will help you get away with the kids.

You do need to run and you need to take your kids. They will be at risk if you leave them and if you stay, especially since they are girls. Men like this need a lot of help and I am not convinced they can change. If you do not run he will end up hurting you and your daughters. You say you had friends before he cut you off from them. Can you contact them for help? There must be a woman's organisation where you can go for help. You should notify the police that he is a threat as well. Is there any kind of shelter you can go to. I helped out in one once and I know how scary it can be when the husbands come round to try and get their wives but they usually have police support as well and they know how to help you. You need to get away before things get worse. They always get worse not better and if you stay you will become more dependent. Run before it is too late.

I know what you're talking about and that's the worst experience you want to have in your life. I was about to say "Go to a shelter" but you said shelters are not an option. Have you called/checked all of them? I'd say pack up some clothes and documents and leave em at a friend's house if possible,you might have to run sometime soon. Not so easy with 2 little kids,though. Has he ever hurt you physically? If yes,gather all the evidence you might have-police reports,medical exams,pictures,witnesses etc. If you have enough,got to courthouse and ask for restraining order. Do it now because it takes a while for the judge to take a decision. If you have a protective/restraining order,you should be fine and he will have to move out of your house even if it's on his name and won't be able to come anywhere near you and kids. Unless he wants to end in jail,that is.

As a man I always feel unqualified to advise on situations like this, but I have been involved at various times in my life with groups that deal with your sort of problem, so I'll have a go. First, I should point out that this discussion alone is a sign that you have not yet sunk totally into dependence, that you are at least trying to find help before the time things get totally desperate, which is a good thing. But I would warn you that getting out is something you must do sooner rather than later. This man will not change, and will only get more and more violent. It's at this point that I run into difficulties with advice, because I simply cannot, because of my gender and experience, understand the difficulties women face in escaping these situations. I accept unreservedly that these difficulties exist and are real, they are just so alien to me that I don't know what to say. Telling you to just leave doesn't cut the mustard. For advice on this you must seek out experts. Surely there is some form of women's help organisation in your area? But don't leave the kids. I understand that this will make things much more difficult, but in the long run they will be much better off being with you. I wish you all the best in this, and I hope you can find a way to make the break soon. Lash

Wait until he is away from the house, pack a bag for you and your kids, and leave.. Do not look back, do not feel guilty, just go. Take those kids and go. If you feel he is a major threat, go to the police station and get an emergency order of protection to help keep him away. If you have a trusted friend, try to stay there for a little while so you can get on your feet. What might be even better is if you have family that lives a little bit away from where you are now and you could stay with them. I thnk that the worst thing you could do would be to leave your kids behind. They need you and the safety ans security you can give them. I wish you all of the luck in the world, you are embarking on a tough journey, but in the end of it all, you will come out on top. You are obviously a strong person, just remember that as you go. You ARE an independant individual, and you CAN do this. You do NOT need this man dragging you down anymore. You will be surprised at thestrength you find in yourself as you go.

This really scares me and makes me afraid for you. I am not a counsellor but I have a friend who is and works in a shelter for abused women. Your story sounds so familiar. The lack of confidence, the loss of independence, the idea that you don't want to deprive your kids of material things. All they want is love and a peaceful and safe home. I urge you to get in touch with a social service agency, a helpline, whatever is available in your area. Don't think what if this and what if that. Just make your plans quietly, do not threaten to leave. When alternate plans are in place take your girls and leave safely, either when your husband is not home or by calling a police escort and never look back. It could save your life. Take whatever economic hardships in stride. Remember all you need is food and safe shelter to find your self to make plans to provide for your children.Get settled, get on welfare if needed, get legal matters in motion such as restraining orders, visiting rights and child support. Remember things at home will likely not get better. My friend who works at the shelter tells me that women go back again and again to situations that you describe, sometimes with tragic consequences. She told me of a woman who went back 13 times until her children were pre-teens and threatened her that they would turn themselves over to the Children's Aid society. Sadly, right now I know two bright university educated women whose world is shrinking day by the day because of their controlling partners. It rips me apart to see these beautiful women become more and more isolated, forbidden to talk to friends and family. One of them is so young, able bodied but forbidden to work or upgrade her skills in order to seek work again. She must stay at home and serve his every need, be the maid, the cook, the gardner. She is tightly monitored, even her computer has software attached that tells him which sites she visited that day. He also phones often during the day and she must be home to take his call. I cannot talk to her. The other one is equally beautiful, educated and has two little children. She lives in a suburb and has recently be deprived of her car. At least this girl's mom is her moral support but cannot visit often because the husband creates a terrible row when he finds out the mom and dad were there. So, I beg you, look after yourself and your beautiful children. Be safe, remember there is always a way out. It may be hard and uncomfortable but there is a way for every woman to escape a situaation like yours, at least in North America there is.

First of all, let's establish a few things here: 1) You are NOT a statistic. You are a beautiful person and a loving mom who deserves much better treatment than you have received in the past. 2) This is NOT your fault. No, you did not make this man break your kids toys, turn to drinking or behave violently. He fits the classic profile of an abuser, and blaming the victim is all part of the behaviour. Why is the burden of relationships always on the woman? No matter how badly the man behaves, it is still somehow the woman's fault for choosing the wrong man? That is a pet peeve of mine... 3) You have made the decision to leave him. GOOD FOR YOU! The fact is, his behaviour will not get better and more than likely get worse. And nothing you say or do will change it. And whatever you do, don't go back to him. Ever. 4) You said you were an independent confident person once. You can be one again--you have it in you. It will be a long, hard road for you and your kids. But then, your life will be long and hard if you stay with this man. If you leave, at least there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Now the question is, what are you going to do? You need to form a game plan. 1) I don't know how large your city is, or what kind of resources are available to you. You obviously have connection to internet. Use it. Make yourself as knowledgeable as possible about the resources in your area, as well as the next state if necessary. Look into counselling services, shelters/safe houses, welfare services, housing and any other services that may be available to women fleeing abuse. 2) If you don't feel ready to leave right now, set yourself a deadline. I recommend no more than six months from now--anything longer and it will be too easy to fall into the mindset of "things aren't so bad", or "he said he didn't mean it..." Don't kid yourself. 3) Do you have anyplace in your home where you can safely hide things? If so, prepare a duffel bag for yourself and your kids. Include a day or two of emergency clothing, some snacks for the road and some emergency cash. That way, when you're ready to leave, or if you have to leave in an emergency, you can grab the bag before you go. And just to clarify, I believe that you should take the kids with you. Kids are smarter than you realize, and they are probably well aware of their father's violent ways. Leaving them behind will only expose them further to his abuse. He may even end up blaming them for your leaving (after all, things are never his fault, right?) This is not the kind of legacy you want to leave for your kids. You want to show them that abuse must not be tolerated. 4) Do you have a way of making or saving money? Is it possible to set up a bank account in your own name? If you can do so safely without him finding out, then do so. If not, then stash it and hide it somewhere in your house. And try to save as much money as you can over the next few weeks. 5) Get proof of his behaviour if possible. Do you have a way to take pictures? Does he hit you or leave you with cuts, bruises or other injuries? If so, take pictures. Keep a journal. Write down incidents of things that happen. Every little bit will help in the event of a future custody battle. 6) Who can you trust? It sounds as though you have some friends who helped you previously. You may have to turn to them again for help. Make them aware of your situation and explain that his violent behaviour is escalating. Get as much support as you can. 7) Don't overlook your local safe house, at least as a temporary measure. It may at least serve as a stopping point on your way to another city where you can get more help. Yes, your bf may have a job doing deliveries. But a safe house should have a staff member on duty at all times to answer the door and make sure that only authorized people enter the house. I'm sure they are aware of all the tricks that abusive husbands/boyfriends may use. Pretending to be making a delivery is one of the oldest tricks in the book. As a added precaution, explain to the staff that your bf may try this--and give them a description of him. 8) As someone mentioned in a previous post, get the police involved, especially if any incidents occur where he becomes extremely violent. That is all I can think of for now, but if I can come up with any more advice I will post again later. I also found some information on the website for the US Department of Justice on domestic violence: http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm Read it over. There is a page on the site with links to several organizations that may be of help to you. Just to clarify, I am not a social services professional, and the advice given here is completely my own. I am simply someone who cares and understands your situation. (((HUGS))) to you and your little ones. Best of luck on your journey to a better life.