Selfish B@stard

I apologise for my swearing. I was so angry at him as well as upset that he would even bring up the topic of divorce. He's always come first along with our son until he decided he didn't care enough about himself and his health, so I decided not to either. I have been begging him to see a doctor about his gout and to get back on track with his Diabetes and when he refused to go, I decided to leave it be and let him make that decision. Now that he has been in immense pain, and I wasn't feeling sorry for him, he thought I didn't care and started this "I think I'm going to die" routine and started talking about burial arrangements, and so forth - WTH?!? and then onto "I think it's not working between us because you don't care for me" blah blah blah crap. I wanted to see him get off his butt and do something about it and not have to rely on me to call the doctor and arrange his appointments and hold his hand all the way. I'm tired of doing that for him, I want him to stand up and take charge of his life and want to live and be healthy and see his son grow. I can't do that if he isn't willing to do it for himself. We had the longest conversation in our lives today and eventually he came out saying that he is still in denial, that he is not sick, that he doesn't have type two diabetes, that the doctors don't know what they're talking about, that all he needs is over the counter medicines and he'll be fine. He also told me that he is scared of going to see ANY doctor, he is scared of finding out what's wrong with him. He says it's better that he doesn't know. I say the opposite, and would rather know what's wrong with me so I can fix it. He also wants a quick fix and not have to do the work or put any effort into getting better. Do you know how upsetting that is to hear? I feel it and I see it and that is what frustrates me the most. I know my communication skills are not that great so it usually comes out in a grumpy tone or I can't be bothered with you attitude, which he takes as me not caring for him. Eventually I persuaded him to go to the ER and we did around 2.30pm. 5 hours later he had the pain killers and anti inflammatory pills he needed to take control of his gout - which I must say has done wonders in 1 hour. Tommorrow he wants to see his own doctor for further medication, but wants me to make the call (go figure). They did more tests incase he had an infection or blood clot and we both were happy to hear that he had neither - he was relieved, teary eyed and thankful that my son and I were with him. I wouldn't of gone to work anyways. I just wanted him to take that first step and get help/treatment for his gout. I didn;t want to be the one pushing and pulling him along, you know what I mean? I hope that doesn't come across as being selfish because sometimes I feel I'm more his mother than his wife. I hate feeling like that. Anyway I cried myself to sleep last night and did hear the phone ring. Thanks for calling and sorry I didn't pick up - I didn't know what to think after he said those things to me. I feel better now though and very tired. Hugs my friend!

oh I am so happy to hear that things are looking up and some things have been resolved. He must have really been scared. Sometimes a person has to hit "rock bottom" before he decides to lift himself up and climb out.

Hi tjades, long time no hear from you. How are you? I think it was cruel what he said to me, making me feel guilty for his pain. I know I don't think like that when he doesn't pay me any attention when I'm sick. I just don't get him sometimes. I'm glad its sorted but still, it really hurt me bigtime. Happy New YEar for tommorrow!

Hi Maddysmom. Yes I was away for a while. Glad to be back though. Thanks for the new years wishes and I wish for you and yours a HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2009

They sure are babies SViswan -big babies. It's so frustrating and then when they say stupid things like this I just want to thump him and tell him to grow up. I just couldn't believe he would say such a stupid thing.

LOL @ waiting for widowhood - it might be sooner than later if he doesn't get his @ss into gear and get his health in check. The next day was a very long day and I managed to get through to him. SOmetimes I feel I have two sons instead of one lol thanks sparks and Happy New Year for tommorrow!

I hear ya. I haven't met a man yet that didn't still need a 'mother'! LOL Happy New Year to you too sweets. Let's hope our men grow up a bit in 2009 - or make us rich widows................ROFL

Your right, it is because he's in so much pain and I was too tired to pay him any attention. I have been working crazy hours during the christmas period and haven't had time for him. He's had ample time to get himself seen by a doctor but preferred I hold his hand and call the doctor and take him there. If he had gone in the second day it got worse, he could of gotten rid of the pain quickly. Thanks for you comment oyenkai, i really appreciate it. Happy New Year for tommorrow!

And you have mine. I just don't understand it. When I'm sick I find out what's wrong and do everything I can to get well again not only for myself but for my son and husband. No one is to blame but myself. The other problem too is that he is so much in denial and thinks he isn't sick.

Too some degree, I think it is because they get scared and men aren't supposed to get scared, so they try to supress it. Then it builds up and festers, and unfortunately we are there when it all spills out as nastiness. Today, I am helping him deal with his mother being admitted to the hospital. But he is not very nasty right now, maybe because I am coordinating communications among all the upset family members. Sometimes it is easy to be a rock, sometimes it isn't. Best of luck.

We did thanks cripfemme and I apologise for my swearing. I just lost it because I couldnt' believe he would say that to me. THanks for your comment and Happy New Year :0)

LOL I usually don't swear like that but after what he said to me I just lost it.I couldn't believe he even said it you know? I so hear you on the medication and following what the doctor says for him to do. He is blaming everyone else but himself for his health and I need to get it through his thick head that I can't do it for him, but only he can. Making me feel guilty really ticked me off and I have just about had enough. After our very long discussion he knows he has to take control of his health.

That is EXACTLY what he was doing Terry and I couldn't have put it any better. I'm tired of having to be the one to help him, I want him to help himself, to get off his butt and do it for himself for a change. Of course I'll be there with him every step of the way, but not when he doesn't care about himself and his health. If he doesn't care, then why should I? why should anyone? and that's not to say that I don't care, because I really do. I'm tired of him relying on me to give him the answers, to make the appointments, to do this and that for him, I'm tired of it and when I don't want to because I'm tired myself from working the crazy hours, from taking care of maddy, from taking care of the household, he lays the guilt trip on me and says stupid stuff like that. It really hurts and it makes me go off like I did in my discussion. I apologise for swearing. I hate feeling guilty for something that isn't even my fault. Aargh!

You have nothing to be sorry for...You are only 1 person and you have a lot on your shoulders and he should be helping..He can't just go off on you whenever it suits him... I know you love him and will stay with him every step of the way and all but just maybe you need to quit waiting on him...You need to take care of yourself because if you don't then Maddy won't have anyone to take care of him.... Maddy should be the main focus in all this not your husband...and I don't mean to sound rude..but he is not setting a good example for Maddy...Maddy may only be 7 but he is a smart boy and with your husband doing this it will affect Maddy... You do enough and if he wants something done then he needs to do it himself...He can't quit just because he can't get his way... As a family you all have to work together...You should not have to do everything all by yourself...... Remember, you don't need to apologize for anything...HUGS

Thats what I told him today, that he can't always rely on me to fix things especially when it comes to his health. He has to step up and take control too. I told him it's a huge weight on my shoulders when I'm left to do everything and that isn't fair. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall most times which is so frustrating and exhausting. He told me tonight he now realises what he has to do and that he needs to help himself. I told him I will be with him every step of the way but he has to want this whole heartedly. Hugs, thanks for you support and friendship Terre xxx

Hey Gemini where have you ben hiding I miss you you know Big Hugs to you

It was a very long and tiring day for the both of us and after talking for hours, apologies and tears, I managed to get him to the ER for proper diagnosis and medication for his gout. He could of done this last week but waited on me to attend to it. I stopped fussing over him when he refused to get help, and he thought I had stopped caring, hence the I feel sorry for myself attitude and guilt trips. I just wanted him to help himself without me having to push and pull him along. I'm tired of it and need him to step up and want to get well again. Thanks for your support gemini_rose, hugs right back at ya! PS I apologise for swearing - I just lost it!

LOL Exactly!

Thankws jazel, I apologise for my swearing too as he made me so angry and upset. We have managed to sort it out but the fact that he resorted to this really really upset me. He needs to take control of his health and not rely on me to do it for him. I can only support him but he has to want to do it.

LOL Things are a lot better than they were this morning - long day of talking and waiting in the ER to treat his gout.

I should have added you both might benefit from marriage councelling even if you do not divorce, but it might work to save the marriage if you both want it.

I just couldn't believe he would even think of saying such a thing you know? we had a long talk the next day and I learned from him that he was still in denial that he had the disease. I told him he has to take ownership of it and do his hardest to get through this. I will be by his side all the way but he has to want to do this as I can't do it for him. We got to the stage where from what I saw, he didn't care about his health and he wasn't doing anything about it to get better. He expected his doctor and me to fix it all - well I'm sorry but he's the one that has to do it. I can be there by his side but he has to do the work. I think he woke up after our long talk the next day. You see he relies on me heavily to do a lot of things and because I didn't see him making an effort to even try, I gave up and just let him do whatever. He saw that as me not caring when in fact I just had enough of reminding him about his pills, organising his doctors appointments in which he would not turn up, he diabetes education classes etc. Even his doctor was getting fed up. He wasn't even testing himself 3x a day. Anyway things are better and he is working a lot harder to get through this. On top of that he gets gout so for years I have been encouraging him to change his diet but he is stubborn as hell. This time round his gout attack was very severe and he couldn't walk for three weeks - he was on cruches the whole time. I had to force him to go to the ER at the hospital to get treatment for the inflammation and pain. 5 hours my son and I sat with him while they tested him and all - now does that show I don't care?!? it really was a wake up call for him. thanks for your support agrim and sorry for babbling on.

We males always look upon females to take care of us and without them our home and life is on disarray. And though we dont realize it but we do and when suddenly she had enough of our dependence on her and she says enough is enough only then we realize how heavily we depend on her..may be same was with your husband... he too didn't realize how much he needed you and when he found you have said enough he took it as you dont love him and only tried to accept his responsibility when forced to. That's normal for us males so don't feel bad about it. Now that he has taken to work out and things like that it should help his DM and let me assure what ever doctors in west may say you dont need to test ur blood sugar levels 3 times a day all the life ... when you start to get it under control once a week testing is good enough.

It was a very long and tiring day for the both of us and after talking for hours, I managed to get him to the ER for proper diagnosis and medication for his gout. He could of done this last week but waited on me to attend to it. I stopped fussing over him when he refused to get help, and he thought I had stopped caring, hence the I feel sorry for myself attitude and guilt trips. I just wanted him to help himself without me having to push and pull him along. I'm tired of it and need him to step up and want to get well again. Hugs gabs, I really needed that. PS I apologise for swearing - I just couldn't believe he would even mention the word divorce!

Sweetheart you do not have to apologize to me And he needs to keep on top of it and get help I have more Problems and I used to be like him and brush it aside thinking it is nothing and it will go But I have learned that is not the case any more when I was first diagnosed with my Lungs which of course I have to get seen to straight away then the Gall bladder and now other things are been tested I hate it as I have always been a Healthy Person but I know I have to have it seen to I am glad that it is all sorted but tell him he has to help himself as you can only do so much Love to you Sweetie and of course big Hugs and have a Happy New Year

After a very long day today and 5 hours at the ER for his gout medication and anti inflammatory pills, things are a lot better than they were earlier this morning. He thought I had stopped caring when I stopped fussing over him everytime he fell ill. I didn't stop caring, I just stopped doing things for him and wanted him to do it for himself for a change. I had been working crazy hours over the past two weeks and was exhausted by the time I got home each night and when he fell ill, I was too tired to help. He saw it differently and gave me the I feel sorry for myself guilt trip and then those stupid words of divorce. I couldn't believe my ears when he said it. I am exhausted after todays talk and ER visit - The pain in his left leg has subsided and he is sound asleep. I'm going to take a hot bath and sleep in tommorrow. take care Pat, HUGS!

I hear you Modestah. The fact he was in still in denial after 3-4 months of being diagnosed with diabetes and then this severe attack of gout, it just was too much for him to bear. Things are getting better and he is working on getting himself well. I'll be by his side helping him but he has to do the work to get better. Thanks for your support and sorry this reply was late. I didn't get a notification.

Thanks cupid. He realised after our long discussion today how silly it was to say that. Because I wasn't feeling sorry for him nor giving him any attention, he thought I didn't care, but I do. I just want him to want to help himself and not rely on me to push and pull him along. Today was a very long day for us and I am happy to say we finally went to the ER and received the right medication and diagnosis for his pain in his left foot and knee. I just wanted him to want this as much as I've wanted him to for years. thanks for your support and I apologise for swearing.

I am glad that things went well and both of u have ur outburst before new year eve Wish both of U Health and happy time Take care

Hugs, Thanks Rosekitty. After a long day of talking and waiting in the ER to treat his gout, things are better. I just hope he means what he says and will make an effort to work on his health, not only for himself but for us too.

I can understand that about not wanting me to share his pains, but I do when I see that he isn't doing anything to help himself. I worry that it might resort to him having a serious attack or something happening and then it's too late, you know? I don't want it to come to that and I even told him. He has to WANT to get better now!! no more being in denial, no more relying on his doctor or I to fix it - Anyway he is doing much better thanks and is working towards getting healthy again. Thanks vikey.