Is spanking a child an appropriate form of discipline?

I didn't fear my parents for whipping me. Instead I respected them very much. This also helped me to respect others outside our home. This is one of the most important things we are not growing in our kids now. They don't respect themselves or anyone around them. They think they can do anything they want to and get away with it. And usually do. This is not the way we should be raising our future world leaders. Being a parent isn't easy and everyone isn't cut out for it. The first thing any parent has got to do is be smarter than their child. If they are not then they are both in for a lot of pain. Different kids require different kinds of guidance. They don't come, one size fits all. Back then girls didn't require as much attention as boys did. Us boys could, and did, get out and get into a lot of things we shouldn't have. Art

Sorry it took so long for me to get back, I just signed back on. the reason I feel the way that I do now is because I think it takes a little away from the persons self asteem as well as creating a fear in them. I also believe that a child will learn how to lie because of spanking to. what I'm talking about is, when a child gets a spanking for everything that you think they do wrong,they can become sneeky and lie to keep from getting a spanking. Don't get me wrong, sometimes kids do things that they know are wrong but they do it anyway,you try everything that you can to try to let them know that its wrong without spanking them but they turn around and do the same thing again. Well Yes then I think they need a spanking.

Interesting, I would be interested in knowing why you would do it differently today? I realize that I know nothing about your personal situation and if this is crossing the line please accept my apologies. Would you mind telling me why you would not do the same thing you did when you raised your own children? Or to put it another why do you believe that there are other "better ways that you can discipline a child besides hitting them."? Again I don't want to get too personal, and I certainly appreciate your response. Happy Mylotting

Today there are ways of reasoning with children, for the most part... Unfortunately the ways of the old school do come through loud and clear especially when ignorance rears its ugly head. It is sad that we have to be the way we are as taught to us by our parents and the church. Spare the rod and spoil the child, A fathers love is felt in his hand both filled with compassion and the strong sting of steel. Applying the lesson of love to the seat of knowledge certainly can be a theme for some families. How about putting your hand in the hand of the man who leads his family with love and guidance?

My mother was a pro at inflicting pain on a kids but. She put it on me every time I needed it which was pretty often. I still missed a few that I should have gotten. However there was never a minute in my life that I didn't know my Mother loved me dearly with all her heart. And I felt the same way about her. The whippings she gave me made a better person out of me. A child must have something to reflect back on when they are not with Mom and Dad. Many a time I have started to do something and it would go through my mind if I did it and Mom found out about it I would get it. It stopped me from doing a lot of things that I saw the unruly kids doing. It made me a much better child in school and in the home. You don't have to abuse a child to control them both while they are with you and away from you. There is nothing wrong with a little pain applied in the right place if it is done with real love. Mom's methods may not have been perfect but she could have done a lot worse. If that had been the case then she and I both would have suffered for it. You can't expect a child to think like an adult and that is exactly what most parents are trying to do with their kids now. The really sad part of it is the fact that many of our young people suffer and some even die for the simple reason we didn't do our jobs right in the home as parents. Art

I think I started this discussion by saying that I had a family and friends on both sides of this debate, and from what I can see, both families have equally happy and well adjusted children. So, I can't point to spanking as being a positive or negative, it's neutral in this instance. I think one of the reasons that this is such a difficult topic to discuss is that people interchange the terms discipline and abuse, and because each of these terms mean different things to different people, this is where our communication breaks down. Art makes the point that although his mother was tough, he knew that he was loved. Perhaps that is what we're missing today, the teaching of the morals and values that comes after the spanking or the discipline. I think that that is area we can all agree on, we want our children to grow up to be a contributing member of society. Thank you all for your comments.

Yep, you hit a nerve for me but I see this as a good thing, I have more to share but not today, I've an early start for the day tomorrow, you'll have to come back tomorrow for additional thoughts... Until them may peace fill your heart as the world keeps spinning, We keep dreaming, And life goes on, living alive...

I'm going to add that listening to Radio Times yesterday I was so offended that a child, a writer, a doctor would advocate lying even little white lies... It was advocated that the mother lie to her husband who was suffering from Dementia and or Alzheimer disorder. It is very similar to my soon to be EX-wife using the Health Care industry to violate me as a former husband and father the provider of finances for services that I am not allowed to be a part of and being left speechless is like being silenced by the lies of the people that work with my EX-spouse and having the police tell me that when I come to visit my children I am trespassing because they were called and my speechless wife could not even give me the courtesy and respect to communicate to me anything, to my face. I blame the health care system for setting this infliction of pain upon me and my family encouraging more lies and not contacting me to get the whole story. So they expect me to pay $1,250.00 dollars in co-pay for treatment of my daughter for services that I am not apprised of and if I go near this clinic could I once again become the victim of abuse of my former wife and her lies? Is this another attempt to commit me? It was 7 years ago that they tried to lure me to a facility from which I would not be free to leave, is this also not another trap? I should pay for services that I am not a part of because the doctors will not communicate with me and have ordered that all communications with my immediate family and me should cease... I'm the victim of another lie, and this one more diabolical than the last... It is really sad that being the witness to an accident and being charged with a fine of $200.00 has now lead to my company paying a $1,250.00 co-pay for secret services designed to hurt me... Talk about negative energy... Karma It will go around and around, and when will it stop? Will the pain stop when the truth is finally exposed? Is it really better to tell even a little lie? Have we forgotten the story of Peter yelling wolf even a little lie causes someone to cry in the end? As for a spanking, when there is pain and suffering to others including possible and or damage to property it would be appropriate to teach children to love and respect that of others. I think (Arkie Art) is on to something in his replies. Especially that good parents raise good children. We know how to apply the right pressure for acquiring respect with out lying to our children and this requires that our spouse does not lie about or to us. We have to work together as a team always being honest with each other. Think about it...

Hi Gary, I just read your response, and quite frankly I'm speechless.... I do not know what to say. It seems that any words I could put on this page would be empty and inadequate, but words are all I have, so please excuse the limitations of my vocabulary. I do not know what to say, and so I will speak from the heart. My heart can feel your hurt, and your very raw human emotion. The knowledge of the why's of the universe are well beyond me. All I can offer you, is my basic belief that there is a greater purpose to suffering, although, I readily admit it is beyond my comprehension why some things occur. You'll be in my thoughts as we both continue on our journey in this thing called life. Remember you're not alone, and despite our many differences, underneath we are all more alike than different. Take care, Gary, and may you find peace and happiness on your journey.

You are exactly correct. We must remember the kids are a direct reflection of the parents that raise them. Monkey see, monkey do, it's that simple. We were taught to mind our parents at an early age. By the time I started school I very seldom require physical correction. Mom had already taught me it was much easier if I went on and did what I was told. A lot of how you need to correct your kids depends on how you treat your kids. In most cases a child will give you back exactly what they get from your. You can't scream at the top of your voice at a kid and not expect them to not scream back at you. Be firm with a child even if it means a spanking now and then but do it in a quiet loving home with all members respecting each other. The odds are pretty good your kids will have a quiet loving home of their own one day raising their own kids right. Bad parents make bad kids, not spankings. Art

You bet I agree. If you are a little smarter than the kid you can teach them to respect you without teaching them to fear you. There is no room in any family for fear of any kind. You can never get too much love and respect for your kids in a family. Art

In a word, RESPECT comes to mind. I think this is what we're all trying to teach children wouldn't you agree?

Let's take this in another direction, Ethansmommy has a great point... Let us say that someone else is watching your child or you are watching someone else's child. You certainly don't want other people spanking your child and you wouldn't spank another person's child. What would you do if anther person's child was doing something wrong? This was the foundation for my own enlightenment which then led me to being betrayed... I realized that you can reach a child who is acting out, there are ways to make a difficult child happy, but a lot begins inside the house of the parent if the home has no structure the child will not have any structure and that leads to more difficulties. As a rule if you treat your child with the respect you expect to be treated with then you will acquire the desired results that you are looking for. An example would be that two moms are talking and the boys are playing and getting out of hand, the youngest boy gets mad and starts to kick furniture. I stop the youngest boy from causing harm to the community property and as I go to pick up the little one to explain and comfort the out of control child my actions are interpreted that I was going to discipline the child with a spanking. No one cared about the actions or behaviors of the child but my jumping in to be involved had me answering to the higher authorities about what I was trying to do. The distracted mother later apologized for assuming I was doing something in appropriate but it was her distraction that led to the problem in the first place. If I'm in a conversation but I have a feeling that my child is acting out inappropriately, I will first correct my child and then finish my conversation. Too many times the conversations are only half complete and the wrong conclusion is drawn but that is for a lack of time on both my part and the part of the person to whom I am speaking with. The important part is to make sure the children are behaved. Too often my former spouse and children would interrupt an important conversation that would have helped another person and I would get called away before the help that I was giving or going to give would be given because there was jealousy being manifest in the heart of my former spouse and she would pass that trait on to our children. Sure I talk a lot but what is the purpose of my discussion? To help others? I am also patient and helpful and watchful, I don't have to be the center of attention, but it seams that I need to step in either to offer advice or to observe and help while others are distracted. Then my family gets upset when I'm doing the responsible thing making sure that all things are done for all. I don't try to grade conversations and interrupt the flow when someone has something weighing heavy on their hearts I like to show that I care and I'm willing to share. My former spouse and children have another view and often times were rushing for no reason at all, we had no money to do anything, we would go home together and alone with no plans because we lived in poverty... We had food and a roof over our heads and we were better off than a lot of people in the world or so we were led to believe. I was broke then, it would only get worse... I thought life was better but now the pendulum swings once again in the direction of depravity. Financial losses could strip away any shred of fabric that I cling to. As living becomes more difficult with less and less to live for or show for my efforts. I'm in a broken condition taking life one day at a time and hoping that I will be able to make it through this week, month and year. I don't know if I have enough... My losses have been huge and respect was the one whittled away with little chips and dings totally unsuspecting and many times I didn't even feel or notice that I was being cut up. Now I look back and see with clear vision. I would love to see other people develop good support for their children and families. I would like to see the generational curses broken.

Ethansmommy. If other forms of correction work with your child I would be the first to tell you to not spank. I would never spank a child with my hand. Your hand is much too heavy to strike a child with it in any manner. I suggested using the ruler or fly swat because you couldn't really hurt a child with either even if you tried. Kids are tough but a Dad with a big heavy hand can easily hurt a child badly. Even accidentally it is easy to do. I would never hit a child with my hand and never spank on bare skin. Use something light that will easily stop when it contacts the child. Your hand is too heavy and will follow through too much after it contacts the child. A child's spine and hips doesn't need to be jerked that way and it can cause serious damage. Also never spank a child when you are mad. The ritual you go through before a spanking is a lot more effective than the spanking it's self. My Mom was a pro at that one. If we were away from home and I didn't something I shouldn't mom would tell me, "boy I get you home I am going to give you a whipping". I can still hear her say it. You can be sure I was the best boy in the country until we got back home. It never saved me though. The actual whipping was never that bad but that period of time before I got home taught me more and made more of an impression on me than the whipping. It seemed that ever time I needed a whipping Mom was always busy and had to finish something before I got the whipping. The few minutes I was waiting for the whipping was the real teacher, not the actual whipping. If you can get other methods to work by all means use them. With some kids spanking them would be the worst thing you could do.

Don't apologize! That is exactly what I wanted this discussion to be, is an open and honest discussion about the issue instead of pointing fingers at one another. You bring up a very valid point, the fact that you and your husband cannot even agree in your own home illustrates just how complicated a question this really is. If the truth be told, I don't believe that there is any one right or wrong answer to this question. I think that every family is different, and every child is different and that the best person to decide what is best for their children, are the ones with that child day after day. I thank you very much for being so open and honest about the fact that even you and your partner cannot agree on what is appropriate and inappropriate.

Hi there and welcome to Mylot First of all, let me just say what an amazing person you must be to raise your own family and then bring your grandchildren in to do it all again. As you have rightly pointed out, children are all individuals and have different personalities. What worked for one may not work for another and the only one who can judge the correct discipline for a child, will be the person who is with the child on a daily basis. Except in extreme situations of course, but we're talking about discipline here not abuse, which are two very different things. A thank you so much for your response, and happy Mylotting!

I agree with you I think it makes a difference too. Take care and happy Mylotting!

wheel416, thanks for the welcome. I'm not that amazing. The first three were my wife's from a previous marriage. I just came along in time to catch the grandkids before their mother ruined them. I've been in their lives since the oldest was 6 months so I'm their only real male influence. I think it makes a difference.

it depend on the child what age you can reason with them but defiantly by the age of 12 should be an age when spanking should stop. i thin I stopped when my kinds hit about 10.

Yes, I think that I would draw the line somewhere around the same age as you have. I was thinking some were just before the child hits puberty. I say puberty, as this is when the child usually begins to feel self conscious about themselves and about their own bodies. Thank you for taking the time to respond back to my questions and for your thoughtdul postings.

What age do you think is inappropriate to spank a child you said "When a child reaches the age that they can be reasoned with then spanking should be stopped." I realize that every child is different and that note child develops of the same speed, but what ages were you thinking about? Were you thinking of a six year old? Or a 12 year old?

I strongly believe that the issue of spanking is part of the generational curse but this curse can come from one or both sides of any family. It is negativity at a core level. First we have to teach respect for others and the property of all. If you lose the concept of respect you have to instill that knowledge some how but you can't instill that knowledge and have the lesson torn down by the other parent that is why it is team work that makes a house a home and builds upon family dynamics and values.

Pose, you raise a very valid point. Children learn what they live. Children learn by example far more and they learn from our words. Communication is largely nonverbal, and perhaps in this case our actions do speak louder than our words? I don't know, I don't have the right answer I just know that we all want the best for children.

Hi there Dawwn, I like the idea of using it as a way to get a child's attention. I think that as we go on through in our lives, sometimes we get into patterns and we just keep doing the same thing without really thinking about it. Sometimes I think this happens to parents because there just trying to get things done, and don't stop to think about if they have their child's attention. In another response, I spoke about a mother who talks much louder than I do. Her children are so used to hrt loud voice that yelling is not effective, as they don't even hear her anymore. So, when I wanted to get their attention I consciously lowered my voice, so that they had to work to listen be hear what I was saying. I gotta say it worked for them! Thanks, and happy posting!

I think you make a very valid point in raising the frame of mind a parent is in when disciplining a child. Just like you I believe that a child should never be spanked in anger, just as you should never use your words in anger either and call someone dumb or stupid. And as you rightly pointed out I think it's the hardest job in this world. And I don't think the you can use a one size fits all approach. I think I've said it before, the disciplining children is not an event but an ongoing process. Thank you for your response and happy Mylotting!

Again, what you are both pointing to is a distinction between discipline and abuse. I think that on a basic human level no one wants to see children hurt, where we get confused is in our individual definitions of abuse, and the very real and practical ways that discipline is an ongoing process, not necessarily a series a single events like spanking.

Thank you! There is a time and place for everything, and sometimes a spanking is the only way. Our children are 14, 10 and 1 month. In the older two children's lives I can count on one hand the number of times each of them has been spanked. And I am sorry, but I think the only way you should spank a child is with your hand because it is the only way you are aware of how "hard" you are spanking them. The intention should never be to hurt them, and it is to easy to swing an object and smack someone with it and walk away not realizing just how hard they other person was hit. However hit your child with your hand and when your hand is stinging then you know you hit them to hard. I am a child of an abusive father. So trust me when I tell you I am no advocate of hitting. But people need to understand the difference between discipline and abuse. One smack on the rear with the hand is not abuse.

I think you have said it quite nicely, hug, listen and teach.... because I think this is the ultimate goal of discipline in the end anyway. Thanks for commenting and welcome to Mylot!

Hi, there thank you for taking the time to respond to this discussion. You said something I found quite interesting. You said that if parents can talk to their children and be their best friend they could have open communication and there'd be no need for this kind of violence. Do you think that parents should be friends with their kids? Or do you mean that they should just give kids more credit and talk to them and explain why we don't want them to do the things we're asking them not to?

I think that most parents would say that they do not enjoy spanking their children and it does hurt them too. You are absolutely right that communication is essential to a child learning from their mistakes. Thank you for your comments.

Hi there, I'm not sure if I understand your response. I hear that you do not agree with spanking but, are you saying that you like body modification, tattoos and piercesings is because you were spanked as a child? I am aware that self injury and self harm can be as a result of abuse as a child is this what you are referring to when you're talking about body modification? I thank you very much for your honest response and if you would like to elaborate further please feel free.

I think we strive for accountability, but I think you are absolutely correct that in some situations we do not have accountability or credibility, but, I can't control the actions of another human being. I can only control my own actions. Due to this fundamental fact I don't think I have the right to stand in judgment of others, so then, Gary, how do we then determine the accountability? Into whom we're accountable?