Would You Have Went?
By singlemommy
@singlemommy (2955)
United States
January 11, 2009 8:12pm CST
If you've read some of my other discussions then you would know how complicated this situation is. At Christmas my ex-boyfriend of 7 years asked his current girlfriend to marry him in front of the whole town we live in. Two weeks before he asked her he was "intimate" with me. It really is a long story and not one that I would want to get into again, but Friday night my daughter was having a slumber party at my ex's house for her birthday. I called to see how the party was going and he said it was going okay. I asked if his fiance was helping him with all those girls and he said no that she had to work. He asked me why I asked about her. I told him I was just asking that I thought maybe she was going to help him. He then proceeded to ask me to come to his house and watch television with him. I told him no. He asked why and I told him that I had to work the next day. He said, "Well, if you change your mind, I will be here". I hung up the phone. I would have loved to have spent time with my daughter and all her friends at her sleepover, playing games, laughing, etc, but I didn't want to spend time with my ex. I felt that if I went he would have told his fiance that I was trying to wiggle my way back into his life and I don't need any confusion or any more drama in my life then what I already have. So, you tell me, if you had been in my shoes, would you have went?
9 people like this
15 responses
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I think you did the right thing by now going over there. The first thing I thought of was "is he trying to get into your pants again?"
I have been married to the same man for 31 years so I have no experience with this sort of thing. It just sounds to fishy to me.
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Yes, I believe he was trying to get in my pants again. In fact, today he came by and picked up our daughter and said that he didn't feel good and that he thought he might go lay down in my bed. I said, "I don't think so". He said, "Yeah, I think I will". And I said, "Uh, no you aren't". Then he said, "Well, maybe your couch then". I looked at my daughter and said, "Well, baby, I will see you later, love you" and gave her a kiss and a hug. He got the hint and left.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Was infidelity one of the reasons he is your ex? Or is he trying to find a reason for her to break it off with him, if that is what he wants then he can hire a hooker for that. I do not understand some men what are they thinking?
It sounds like he does not live very far from you so he could have easily gone home and to lay down.
What kind of an example is he setting for your daughter? Sounds to me he has not respect for you or her.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
12 Jan 09
As far as I know infidelity had nothing to do with our breakup. But yes, he doesn't live very far from me at all and his cousin lives next door to me and his sister just up the street, so if he felt so bad, he could go to their house.
1 person likes this
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
12 Jan 09
No I dont think I would have and my daughter would have had her sleep over at my house on her birthday not at his but then again I am very bad at sharing my kids with the X. It sounds to me like he is messing with your head so you did the right thing by not going over there,you need to just forget about him and let him marry his fiance and you go out and find someone better for you and your daughter.Good Luck to you and always know you have friends here on mylot.You have a great night.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Yes, I know one day I will find someone so much better than him. I look forward to that day.
1 person likes this
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
13 Jan 09
You will just hang in there and prince charming will come marching by.You have a great night.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
14 Jan 09
Thanks so much for your encouragement! I really appreciate it!
1 person likes this
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I think you played it safe by not going. I don't really know what I would have done. Do you still have feelings for him and feel a little upset because he recently was intimate with you and then asked her to marry him? Was it a surprise to you that he asked her or did you know he was serious about her? Sorry for the questions just a little curious. But I believe you probably did the right thing. No need to complicate things.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
12 Jan 09
He had told me a few weeks before he popped the question that he was thinking about it, then when we became "intimate" he told me that he wasn't going to do it. When he had told me before that he was thinking about it, I had asked him to let me know before hand so I could be prepared. We live in a SMALL town and everyone is always in everyone else's business so I knew if he asked her that everyone in town would be trying to start trouble. He asked his girlfriend in front of the whole town and didn't say a word to me about it. In fact, I talked to him before he did it and right after he did it and he never said a word. Then everyone in town started calling me telling me this and that. I was upset that he lied to me by telling me that he would let me know before he did it and then lying to me again telling me that he wasn't going to do it. Thus, after he asked her, people were going to her and telling her that I was mad because he wanted to marry her. I wasn't upset that he asked her or that he wanted to marry her, but I was upset that he lied to me. As far as feelings go. I don't think I have feelings of being in love when it comes to him, but yes, I do still have feelings. We were together for 7 years and we both lost our virginity together so that is something special that we both shared together.
1 person likes this
@hildas (3031)
•
14 Jan 09
I think you have made the right choice about this. It is better you stay away as I know about your situation a little from your posts.
I know you missed out on your daughters sleepover, but you have one for her at your house soon, but do not ask your ex round to watch telly with you either.
I wish you well.
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
14 Jan 09
Yes, maybe I can let her have a sleepover here at my house one weekend soon.
@chulce (1537)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I understand you were with him for 7 years. How long has he been with the new one? Just curious. Sorry to get personal. Just want to help you out.
I take it that you and your ex are the parents of your daughter correct? So no matter what happens when it comes to your daughter, the both of you will be involved with her for the rest of her life.
First off his fiancee needs to get used to you being around if you share a child. You are going to be there all of their lives for the most part.
Even though you may have wanted to spend time with your daughter, I think you made the right decision. Given that it has only been a few weeks since you were intimate and he proposed. It sounds as if he may not be completely sure about his feelings. I think he needs to exam things and thus, you are best keeping your distance to some degree.
Be friendly with him. Keep an eye on patterns, if he is asking you to come over when his fiancee isn't around, I would question his motives a bit. You never know it could be possible that he might have asked her out to see if he could make you jealous in any way. I have seen that happen before.
Just watch it for a little while. Remember no matter what you will be in his life for a very long time because of your daughter that won't ever change. Being friends and being able to work together for your daughters sake will keep things well balanced for her.
Who knows maybe you can plan a slumber party with your daughter at your own home, may be a great time for the both of you. You could do a Mother/Daughter sleep over, have friends of yours that have daughters come and have a fun night.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
12 Jan 09
He has been with the new girlfriend for about 7 months. I know he is uncertain about whether he should marry her. He told me before and he told me after he asked her about his uncertainties. I think he just wants his cake and eat it too, if you know what I mean.
1 person likes this
@callarse1 (4783)
• United States
14 Jan 09
It's actually would you have gone, but lots of people say "went" I believe. 
Uh, so do you have children with your ex? I guess so from your description. Nope, if he's your ex you shouldn't be still intimate. And you're right, it was wise that you didn't go to his house. I'm not sure why he would want to be intimate when his girl is having minors over....that doesn't sound too smart.
Cheers!
Pablo
Uh, so do you have children with your ex? I guess so from your description. Nope, if he's your ex you shouldn't be still intimate. And you're right, it was wise that you didn't go to his house. I'm not sure why he would want to be intimate when his girl is having minors over....that doesn't sound too smart.
Cheers!
Pablo
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
12 Jan 09
H[i]i singlemommy,
I will do the same. I will ignore the invitation, we do not know what is he thinking and it's better to out of their picture to avoid more trouble and drama as you have said!
[/i]
1 person likes this
@maple_kisses (2156)
• Philippines
12 Jan 09
I'm not really sure if you still feel anything for you ex as I haven't been reading all your discussions. But even so, I think you're a very smart and respectful person to stay away from trouble and turn down your ex' offer. I would have done the same thing as well, even if let's say I still love my ex. He's that, my ex and that's it. He now belongs to someone else and as they're planning to get married, why sabotage the plan with my presence? Being with my ex all the time will only lead him to confusion. We all know how confusing thoughts can be when one is getting married, I surely don't want to cause a commotion nor the cancellation of the wedding.
I would have done the same thing as well, even if let's say I still love my ex. He's that, my ex and that's it. He now belongs to someone else and as they're planning to get married, why sabotage the plan with my presence? Being with my ex all the time will only lead him to confusion. We all know how confusing thoughts can be when one is getting married, I surely don't want to cause a commotion nor the cancellation of the wedding.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
14 Jan 09
I tell you I would have been tempted if I knew that he wasn't dating anyone or doesn't have a fiance.
And of course, ex is an ex for a good reason. There's no going back to all those drama, right?
You did the right thing not to go there. It would have been very much confusing and that emotions would then again spark and it would only hurt you.
Plus, he surely showed he's a big J-E-R-K with what he's trying to do to you while his fiance was awake. Sure glad it wasn't you who's going to marry him!
Whew!
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
14 Jan 09
No and you were smart not to go. He was intimate with you just 2 weeks before he asked this other girl to marry him? That shows what love means to him...not a whole lot. Consider yourself lucky that you are his ex and not his fiance. Sounds as if he as been playing both of you.
@trisha_nava82 (1379)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I totally agree with you I would have not have gone. There would have been no need for me to go unless my daughter needed me and I would not want to put myself in a situation alone with my ex. But yeah, I think that you did the right thing.
@I_am_yours_06 (185)
• Philippines
12 Jan 09
I'd rather stay away from him, if i'm on ur shoes.. Why he can't stick with his fiance, whats the reason, oh gosh! i will not judge your ex-boyfriend but too obvious to think what kind he is.. Just stay away from him and be with your daughter and your friends.
1 person likes this
@schwing_girl89 (278)
• United States
12 Jan 09
I'm afraid if I still had feelings for him then I would have been terribly tempted to go visit him. But, in the past I have had less than charming relationships with people. I am changed now from my past, and so I would have to say no. If it were me before, I'm still pretty sure I would not have went. I admire your self-discipline as the human heart can be one of the most confusing things to try and follow or listen to.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
14 Jan 09
I probably wouldn't have went either....just asking for problems in situations that are already touchy....last summer my ex's girlfriend came to drop off my granddaughter at my house...we stood and talked for a while (my daughter too) then she followed me into the house and stayed for two hours....I was a bit uncomfortable wondering why after being divorced from him for over 30 year would she want to check me out....but your's is a little different...maybe he should find out why he's not getting over you before he gets married again.
