Mixed feelings about my best friend's trip down here
By spalladino
@spalladino (17891)
United States
January 16, 2009 11:22am CST
My feelings about an upcoming situation involving my best friend are very conflicted so I think I could use some perspective from the folks here.
Five years ago my husband and I moved to Florida. We live inland...not near the beaches or Disney. I have a best friend who is back in Maryland, over 1,000 miles away, and we only see each other when I'm visiting up there or they're vacationing down here.
Two years ago they spent two days here. We drove them out to the coast (2 hours away) and had a great day at the beach and did some things in our area, too. When we were at the beach her husband seemed more interested in the beachfront bars than in the beach and the Gulf of Mexico, which they had never seen. After they left here they spent a couple of days at the beach on the east coast by themselves.
Last year they went on a cruise and she wanted me to drive for about 4 hours to meet her at the ship before it boarded. Looking at her flight schedule I realized that, after getting their luggage and taking the shuttle to the ship, we would have had only about ten minutes together so we agreed that it wasn't a good idea.
Last night she called me with this year's plans. They're coming down for only a few days in April and they're staying at the beach we took them to. They have no plans to come here but she wants me to drive out there to see her. I would be willing to do it but we're getting ready to open our store and, since they'll be here on the weekend, my husband (who is also an old friend of theirs) won't be able to go. Her opinion is that I can just dump him for the day and come by myself. I'm not comfortable doing this but I haven't told her yet.
I have a lot of very mixed feelings about this. Once again they're not taking my advice about coming for such a short time. On any long trip you have travel days which are basically wasted and these two can easily afford to stay in a motel for a week and they also know that they can stay with us. My friend's husband drinks too much and gets on my nerves but, when my husband is with us, he acts as a buffer so he doesn't irritate me as much. I want to see my friend but I don't want to drive for two hours to sit in a bar, where I can't drink because I have to drive for two hours to get back home. I also feel a little insulted that they don't want to come to see us...to see my daughters and the new grandbaby. I know it's not my friend's idea...it's her husband's...but if she's not going to stand up to him and carve out a little bit of time for me and her, why should I ditch my husband and go through the effort to see her?
Am I wrong to feel this way? My daughter is going to be very unhappy that she's not coming here to see the baby since this was her last try and she finally had a girl. My husband would like for his buddy to see his shop and, while he hasn't said much, I think his feelings are a little hurt. If I'm not wrong to feel what I'm feeling should I tell my friend the truth or just tell her that something came up at the last minute?
12 responses
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
17 Jan 09
I think that I would just be honest and tell her that you are busy opening your store, and have a new baby to help with. It's hard when your best friend has a spouse that you don't like. I hope you are able to figure out something that makes you happy and comfortable.
1 person likes this
@camomom (7535)
• United States
19 Jan 09
I would say something to her and tell her the truth. My best friend would understand and not be upset with me for speaking my mind. I wouldn't get angry with her either. I may be disappointed but not mad or upset with her.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
26 Jan 09
My friend is going through "the change" and is very hormonal these days so I have to watch what I say and how I say it sometimes these days. It doesn't take much to upset her...poor thing. The issue with the store really is the truth. I would feel pretty guilty if I left my husband to fend for himself all day while I went to see them since her husband is his friend.
@shooie (4984)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Let your friend know you guys are opening a store and you do not feel comfortable taking the two hour trip alone. Really now days it isn't safe anyways. If she really wants to meet maybe you can meet half way between the two places at a non bar place. Thing is you have to drive 2 hours to where they are and you know you would want to stay more than a few minutes to visit and catch up and then you have to turn around and drive 2 more hours and they are the ones on vacation not you so they should be heading to you for a few. As for them having more money to stay longer that should never come into play having more money than the other should never pop up unless they want to do something that cost a lot and you can't or they can't afford it. Maybe they are like my husband yes I would like to plan in the travel time but he never does and so vacations aren'ts long as i like but they are his vacation days and well i really can't say anything. Do they make more trips near you guys? If so then youshouldn't be insulted even if you have to drive a couple of hours unless it is every trip they are down but still how often do you vacation to their neck of the woods? Yor daughter shouldn't be to upset cuz we've got snail mail and e-mails where pictures now can be sent and well she can share her news that route. Personally if I traveled to my friends area more and if not the same amount of times they come to mine then yes I would let them know how I feel. You could just let them know you really can't take the hours to drive and visit and drive back because of the store and you need to help your husband but that they are ore than welcome to come down for a visit. The daughter thing shouldn't come into play they are you and your husbands personal friends. Congrats on the grand daughter and hope things work out for ya. Sorry if i ran in circles on this.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
26 Jan 09
No, you didn't run in circles, shooie! 
What I meant by the money thing is that they learned the first time they came down that it's a waste of time and money to come for only a few days. They're in Maryland and I'm in Florida and travel days cut into your vacation. The last time they came they came for 7 days and scheduled 2 or 3 (I forget now) days inland with us. We drove out to the Gulf coast for the day on one of those days and they also had a couple of days alone at the beach before they went back up north. They only go on vacation once a year and last year they took a cruise instead of going to the beach or seeing us. This time she's talking about only a few days again so my point was that they can afford to stay a few days longer so that they'd have the time to see us instead of expecting me to drive 2 hours to see them. We don't get up to Maryland very often and both my husband and I have a lot of family up there who we want/have to see while we're there. It's easier for us to get together when we go up north because she lives in the same town as most of my family does and we usually stay with my stepdaughter's family who live five minutes from her...if that.
I have until April to figure out how to handle this situation but I've already hinted to her about her trip plans being too short and about how busy we hope the business will be by then. Thanks! 
What I meant by the money thing is that they learned the first time they came down that it's a waste of time and money to come for only a few days. They're in Maryland and I'm in Florida and travel days cut into your vacation. The last time they came they came for 7 days and scheduled 2 or 3 (I forget now) days inland with us. We drove out to the Gulf coast for the day on one of those days and they also had a couple of days alone at the beach before they went back up north. They only go on vacation once a year and last year they took a cruise instead of going to the beach or seeing us. This time she's talking about only a few days again so my point was that they can afford to stay a few days longer so that they'd have the time to see us instead of expecting me to drive 2 hours to see them. We don't get up to Maryland very often and both my husband and I have a lot of family up there who we want/have to see while we're there. It's easier for us to get together when we go up north because she lives in the same town as most of my family does and we usually stay with my stepdaughter's family who live five minutes from her...if that.
I have until April to figure out how to handle this situation but I've already hinted to her about her trip plans being too short and about how busy we hope the business will be by then. Thanks! 
@squirt051305 (381)
• United States
26 Jan 09
You are not wrong at all!! She is expecting way too much from you! It seems like you do more when it comes to making an effort to see each other. If she is coming down to see you then she should be going to you and spending time with you, not having you drive for a couple of hours just to spend a couple of hours together. She really needs to stand up for herself to her husband. She doesn't see you much so she should be spending time with you guys and not going to some beach the whole time, that's kinda rude!
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Yes, I did when we were up there in Sept. I included her in my special afternoon that I spent with you and Melissa so, yeah, she should at least come here so she can see Jen and the kids, too. I'm hoping her crazy husband will change his mind before I have to talk to her but I recently learned that the dirt track he liked so much the last time he was here is closed and their website is shut down. He's not going to be happy about that.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Hey spalladino! I think that your friend is being a bit
selfish in asking you to drop everything and go see her alone!
I don't think that it is right for you to leave your husband
when he is opening up his new shop. I do think that you need
to be completely honest with your friend. If she really is
a good friend then she will understand that it isn't a good
time for you to leave and take such a long drive alone to
see her. If you don't want to mention the bar thing you don't
have to, but I'm not so sure I would leave that part out either!
And you should mention about your daughter being disappointed.
I definitely don't think that you should go! I think that your
family, especially your husband is way more important then this
selfish girlfriend!
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Hi Opal! I'm going to talk to her and remind her about the new baby because I think she's forgotten about her. I also think she's just letting her husband have his way because that's the easiest route to take sometimes. We'll talk but I do have obligations here and who knows whether the store will be busy or not by then? We're hoping it'll take off once we open. 
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Good point kometer. I guess we'll see how things turn out.
@Bluepatch (2476)
• Trinidad And Tobago
16 Jan 09
It occurs to me that your friend needs to see you but can't get past some things.
Like the distance problem and the husband with drinks problem.
Basically, if you can make it do so for the sake of being with your friend.
She's probably lost with the demands of a drinking husband and the need for friends.
You might be the only real friend she has anyway.
So, if you can, for her sake do it, if you can't, then write a long letter or email explaining why and how much she means to you.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Thanks for the suggestions, bluepatch. We will have many opportunities to talk before they come down and I really hope that she won't let her husband hijack her whole vacation like it sounds to me he's trying to.
@gwoman2 (710)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Hi my friend,
first and foremost, congratulations to your daughter and you and may your new grand baby be blessed with good health, good fortune and a wonderful future! On your friend: Tell her the truth, although, it may compromise your friendship, but she really needs to know how you feel. I only know you from myLot but in our private conversations you seem to always be honest and very frank with your responses...your friend is lucky to have you...so take a chance, if she is truly your friend she will understand and how dare she not come to your husband's new business!!
Honesty is the best policy!!
~G~
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
Hi gwoman, good to see you and thanks for the kind wishes for my new granddaughter! I think I am going to have to talk to her about this. I'll take it slow and see what we can work out because I really do want to see her...but I also don't want to tell my daughter that she's not coming here. Thanks for responding!
I think I am going to have to talk to her about this. I'll take it slow and see what we can work out because I really do want to see her...but I also don't want to tell my daughter that she's not coming here. Thanks for responding! @squirt051305 (381)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Hopefully he does change his mind.... I just don't understand about her having to do what her husband wants to do, it's both of their vocations. That's like me and Kevin if we were in the area we would def spend sometime with everyone. I just wanted to let you know your not wrong at all...you are a great friend! Try not to stress yourself out over this...I know it's easier said than done.
I can't wait to see you guys this summer!!
@dogsnme (1264)
• United States
16 Jan 09
You are absolutely not wrong to feel the way you do. You're husband and children are your top priority and a true friend will understand that and your friend probably does. But, because her husband is making things difficult she may be hoping that you will be able to and want to make the sacrifices necessary to meet her. Whether or not you tell her the truth about how you feel is up to you but I think you should. True friendship is not one-sided and if your friend is a true friend she will understand your position.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
I suspect that what's going to happen is that she's going to be in a bad mood while they're down here if she lets her husband hijack their entire vacation so not only will I be driving for four hours total, I'll have to deal with her being in a bad mood, too. We're going to have to do some talking...that's for sure.
@LaurenInLA (2270)
• United States
16 Jan 09
I somewhat understand where your firend is coming from. Everyone works so hard just to be able to take a vacation, you have to use the precious time that you have very carefully. If you only had a few days, would you want to spend 4 hours of it commuting? It sounds to me like there is a bigger problem here. You mention that once again they're not taking your advice and how much your friend's husband irritates you because he drinks and that you're insulted that they don't want to see your daughter and your grandbaby. Try to put this into perspective. They do only have a few days. I think that you're taking this much more personally than your friend intends. If you do choose to be honest with her, be very careful how you approach her and what you say to her. Honestly, how are you going to say that you don't want to make the four hour trip but that you think that they should. This could be a friendship ender if not handled correctly. I would simply tell her that with the store opening, you have other obligations right now.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
The problem is that they would only have a few days by their own choice. My friend owns a small cleaning company and her husband gets two weeks of vacation. They live with her mother so time and money are not the problem. The last time they came down they came for a week, which gave them time to spend a few days with us inland and time to spend alone at the beach. I'm not saying that I expect them to drive for four hours instead of me...I'm whining because if they stayed for two more days they could come here like they did the year before last. It's not like they know anyone else in Florida. I haven't gotten to the bottom of why they're only coming for a couple of days this time but I will talk to her and get more info. Don't worry, it won't be a friendship ender. She's been my best friend for about 30 years and I'd never intentionally hurt her feelings.
@jenny1130 (12)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Here is what I would suggest as a solution. Since your husband cannot go I would agree with you that driving two hours to sit in a bar and then have to drive back home is just not what I would call quality time with your friend. It sounds more like a pain then fun to me. I would ask your friend to compromise and perhaps meet you someone halfway for a few hours during one of the days she is there. Maybe do lunch or something just the two of you or even take your daughter and the baby with you. And maybe so no one gets their feelings hurt you could just use the store opening as the reason why you can't get away for more time. Hope that helps. You still have plenty of time to somehow come up with a solution that meets all your needs.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
17 Jan 09
That's a great alternative Jenny! My daughter can't sit in a bar with the baby so meeting halfway and doing lunch is a great idea! Thanks!
My daughter can't sit in a bar with the baby so meeting halfway and doing lunch is a great idea! Thanks!