-6 degrees ;cries;

I have someone in my life that I have thought of as one of my best friends for about a year now, and he too, isn't showing "best friend" behaviours back to me. It's very upsetting and disappointing for sure. And just like with your hubby and his friend, there's phuck all we can do about it. Sigh! Tough love is sometimes the thing that's called for in these situations. But some people really can't handle that either. Cutting them out of our lives until they can learn to be more considerate of others? I dunno. That does seem a bit harsh, especially when there are kids involved. As for her going back to the abusive boyfriend, sadly, you cannot stop her from doing that again. But I would think that it should be easy enough to state some new rules about it... in that you do NOT want to hear about this b/f anymore, period. He can be a "non topic" in conversations. I've had that with friends before, and it's saved the friendships.

Hi Tessa, We can only help people that want to help themselves and she keeps going back to the situation, even so on a below freezing night with young children in that position I would have knocked on anyones door and especially a friends who was local and had already offered a safe haven. Really have no idea how you can get through to her, hope she is safe though and that it warms up a bit for you all. Huggles. Ellie :D

I'm guessing that she probably has deeply instilled feelings of pride and shame and then shovelled on top of that feelings of being unloveable and unworthy of love or friendship. Been there, done that, bear the scars. I was told on a couple of occasions throughout my life to ..."If you have to get out (or...if he does anything to hurt you...etc) just come...no matter what time it is. When I have run in the gate and up the path they have seen me coming and shut the door and not acknowledged my knocking. When I have asked for refuge at another time, another place, another so called friend, just to stay for a while so I can gather my wits, I've been given the cold shoulder. Not saying you would do this but when you have faced rejection, asking for help is a no-no for some strange reason. Also, when your life is coming apart, it's hard to figure which way to turn. Bad situations tend to become worse most times.

-6, big deal. Try -30 Here in Canada, eh. Sometimes even -40. Pretty much a guarantee that it will get that low every winter at some point in January or February. Apparently it is a balmy -17 here today. But still, damn cold! I have been accused of 'not asking for help/assistance' before, too. By my mother. She resents that I didn't turn to her for help on several occasions when I opted to 'go it myself'. I'm stubborn that way. I've oped to go a more difficult route, just so I don't have to ask for help. I am very determined to take credit for my accomplishments myself. Maybe it is pride. I dunno. But I gain great satisfaction in 'doing it myself'. There is also the issue of 'owing someone'. Sometimes you just don't want to owe anyone else anything else. When you are low, you have likely already incurred enough debt (more than just money) and you don't want to incur any more for fear that when you need more 'favours' you may have worn out your welcome. You want to save those 'favours' for when you truly are desperate. And being desperate means different things to different people. I despise people that are constantly asking favours, when I deem them to be non-emergencies. I don't loan money or favours when I think I am being taken advantage of or used too often with the mindset of "oh, I can always ask *****, she'll always bail me out". And then they use you for frivolous stuff. Eventually, people like that wear out their welcome with everyone. So, in conclusion, maybe she is just doing damage control and if she had another option, without feeling like she was putting someone out (like you & Mal), she took it for now. She may be saving you for another emergency. Or maybe the shelter she went to (possibility) only allows you to stay for so long and must have a certain amount of time in between stays. That way, she wouldn't be putting you out for an extended amount of time. She could stay at the shelter for a couple of weeks, then at your house for a couple of weeks, if you get my meaning. Don't be upset with her just because she chose not to take you up on her offer. That is just silly. I think maybe that your emotions are a little raw from other stresses. Family, recent events here on the lot, I dunno. Just a possibility to help wrap your head around why, that's all.

Tess this is so sad to hear..I've fortuantely never had to deal with this since i kicked a husband out and stayed in the house with our kids, so he had to go find a place.. i know people sometimes are to proud to ask and then there are some thats all they do is ask so whats the best way? I hope things turn around and things get better..until then..*sends warmth and moist brownies to Tess* Texas was 70 today..

Sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno what to say...I feel sorry about that you have such a friend, but at last,will you forgive her?

i dont know what to tell you since i havent really been in that situation but that would drive me nuts and offend me too!! i would think that she was not wanting to me around me or something or that my place wasnt good enough etc.. maybe she is afraid she will have to hear peoples opinions on him so she stays with people that will just do the "poor baby" routine but not criticize her going back to him etc?? i mean she prob knows shes being stupid because she went back just to be screwed over again so maybe she just doesnt wanna deal with facing the reality that she was stupid to go back etc.. rather be babied with bs than fed the truth etc

Hey tess~This is a terrible shame, especially because there are children involved! This woman is beyond stupid! You are saying that this has happened before so in other words she has gone back for more! So it is probably useless to even suggest that she doesn't do it again because she obviously is a glutton for punishment! But, again the children! WTF, does she think that this is going to stop! We all know that an abuser doesn't stop, only gets worse! And as for mal, he should think twice about calling this woman a "best" friend! Wasting your time and emotion on someone who is so selfish is just not going to make her change. She obviously doesn't care about herself or her children, so why should she care about her best friend? This is very sad. I feel bad for mal, but sadder for those poor children! I do wish that someone could get through to her before it is too late! But, it sure doesn't look like that will ever happen!

That's a hard one because a woman abused physically and mentally, to be honest, they just don't think like a normal person anymore. She might not think she is worth waking a friend up in the middle of the night so she relies on relatives because family is supposed to be there regardless of that happens. It could also be pride too. Not wanting to hear the I told you so speach again from a friend. Maybe she feels that her life is an inconvenience to everyone else and she dosn't want you to be bothered with it. It's a hard call there, but I understand how frustrating it is. I just don't think they think much about themselves or can't get their head around because of the years they've been treated like dirt.

I live in NY so I feel the cold just as bad! I hope everything gets better for you.