A predicament my friend was in.. What do you think if you were HER?
By laydee
@laydee (12798)
Philippines
January 20, 2009 7:22am CST
Me and my college buds (all in all 4 girls) went on a overnight stay one night for camping. Now one of us invited her boyfriend (fiance, they were supposed to be married but the wedding was canceled due to strains in their relationship).
Note: The relationship hasn't ended, it's just under temporary pause, we (and the girl) don't actually understand why the guy changed so fast. He doesn't want to talk and tells her that he needs time, etc.
Here's the situation.
After a while, the guy decides to go home to let us 'girls' enjoy our time together. Now, as we was leaving, my friend (fiance) accompanied him to his car (it was a block away from our area) now, she told us that as he was about to go inside the car, she asked him if she could hug him, so they hugged. Now, after the hug, they came face to face with each other almost to a kissing point, then suddenly he avoided the kiss and kissed her on her cheek instead, then left without turning back.
If you were my friend, how would you feel? Is that an insult? Was that proper? What do you think the gesture meant?
Their relationship is very much confusing to me too and I don't know what's up.
9 people like this
19 responses
@silverjam (969)
• United States
20 Jan 09
From what you described as the scenario I believe that the guy is no longer interested in her, as you even said the marraige plan has been canceled due to some strains in their relationship. And yes, avoiding the kiss in the lips and instead in the cheek is not proper for a romantic relationship like that. If am in her place I'd like to have a heart-to-heart talk w/ her bf and access what happend and where is there relationship leading by now. If I find that it is hopeless to continue, then call it quits rather than still hanging around clueless.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
I guess she's in denial too that her relationship is over. I'm tired too about listening to her rants about being hanging and clueless, but as I said with the other people who responded, what could she do if he doesn't want to talk to her about these issues?
I say he's just a baby and is spoiled or something.
What would you do if you were in her shoes?
1 person likes this
@silverjam (969)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Well if he really refuses to talk to me then it shows how immature he is and that is an indication of a weak partner. If I am in her place I would just end up the relationship for good and continue my life w/o him. She may make a formal break up w/ him as a first step.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
Oh, that's sad.
It all seems to indicate that he's trying to move on, IMO. If he called off the wedding, and then chose to sort of pause the relationship, then he's very unsure about it, and by not wanting to talk about it and kissing her on the cheek it seems like he doesn't want to hurt her by coming out with it.
That's really unfair of him, BTW. Proposing to her and then calling off the wedding and then refusing to talk about it when she clearly needs to know what's going on, is pretty disrespectful. While I can understand that he might need 'time' to figure things out, he's leaving her in a lurch.
1 person likes this
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
24 Jan 09
Sounds like she's pretty vulnerable. If I were HER, I'd get angry. Maybe you need to say something to get her angry so that she can confront him about it and get things sorted once and for all.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
Exactly what we (her friends) thought! I mean, how macho does he want to appear to us? Actually, that's not being macho, that's fully being immature!
Now, our problem is that, my friend doesn't seem to get the point, and I'm having troubles trying to make her realize. What would you have said or done as a friend?
1 person likes this
@xbrendax (2662)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Don't ya get it? He is cheating on her! He is starting to have feelings for the other person and doesn't know what to do! It started out with a one night stand, because he wanted to have one last fling before the wedding, and he was never going to do it again but then things just happened, and got out of hand and now he is in trouble and doesn't know which way to turn. I have seen it happen over and over again with some of my friends and relatives and even to me once! I am getting close to 60 years old and have seen and heard a lot, so I know what I am talking about! And if she thinks he would NEVER cheat on her, she is so wrong!
@dfollin (25381)
• United States
21 Jan 09
I think so too.That's what I asked in my reply,was one of them cheating on the other? Is that why the wedding was called off?
@zhuuraan (961)
• United States
20 Jan 09
I agree with the majority here, the relationship has probably gone dry. However, I also agree with the person above me that she should really talk to him, whether he likes it or not, and get him to tell her the honest truth. Even if we are right, it will hurt to hear it, but it'll hurt even more in the long run if she satays with him and finds out later.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
How do you force someone to talk then? Confronting him somehow doesn't work, as my friend (his fiance) tells me. She's gone out of her wits to try to talk to him, but he just wouldn't budge.
If I were her, I'd truly just end it to stop my suffering, any relationship with that type of a person would soon end in misery anyhow.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
22 Jan 09
I feel for your friend because the gesture from her boyfriend avoiding to kiss her properly would have been very painful. I think that it is obvious that he is no longer into her; I can't tell you the reason why but that is pretty clear body language. I have been in a similar situation many years ago. My ex began acting cold towards me and I knew deep down that it was over although it took a while to admit it and talk to him about it. I would advise your friend to confront her boyfriend and demand the truth and whether he is with her or not because it sounds to me as though she deserves better than him.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
22 Jan 09
Yeah, we all think that she deserves someone better than him. I think what's eating her up is the fact that he just doesn't want to talk or to close their chapter. I think being left hanging on without a clue of what's going on is something a person shouldn't experience. I've told her time and time again that if a person loves another, he would never allow her to think and be left hanging.
She's denying it, but I can see in her that she too would want out.
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
I think that this situation would be very uncomfortable for one thing, it could be that he was just embarrased. It could aslo be because he felt that since the relationship was on the rocks, that it wasn't proper. I think the only way to solve this question would be to talk to the guy in question. If he and his girlfriend are having issues, the only person that can solve the issue would be him and her.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
That's actually what I though, it's them both who can resolve their issues and answers their questions. But the problem is, the guy doesn't want to talk about it. If my friend does confront him about it, he'd just say 'it's not yet time to talk'. It's really weird and immature. I have no idea what's going on with his mind.
@mansha (6298)
• India
20 Jan 09
I also fewel thast guy is either involved with some other women or have jus fallen out of love with your friend. He is avoiding her just because he thinks she will cause a scene. May e he is hoping she wil break up with him , so that he need not feel any guilt on his part. Its better if she stos seeing him and moves on with her life. It looks like the relationship is already over and her boyfriend is not a man enough to own up to her. In a way she is better off now without such a jerk.
@myworkid1987 (755)
• United States
20 Jan 09
I think it sounds like the guy has someone else on the side and doesnt want to be with her anymore. It just dont sound right. If they were still together why couldnt he kiss her? Men!!! They are all confusing and if i know then what i know now I would have never gotten married.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
21 Jan 09
From a friends standpoint....I'd back off and let them work it out. Obviously they are having some problems and you probably only know part of the story. I would be there to support my friend but I would not try to second guess her boyfriends signals or anything. That kiss on the cheek could have other meanings...you don't know what led up to it. It's up to them to figure it all out.
1 person likes this
@potrish78 (742)
• Philippines
20 Jan 09
I think there's something more serious there that your friend is not telling you. If the guy acts that weird it could mean that he had fallen out of love with her. If he needed time, I suggest she should give him time. But she should also be prepared that it could also mean goodbye. She had probably seen it coming but just to blind to see because she loves him too much.
1 person likes this
@underdogtoo (9579)
• Philippines
20 Jan 09
So it happened. I would not let that be the reason to put my life on hold if I were that person. It will be difficult but she could move on to a better relationship than a kiss on the cheek. Cheers!!
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
True, I've told her not to put her life on hold for someone who can't really tell her the score in their relationship.
I even feel that it's stupid that she's giving herself (and him without him knowing) until March 6, 2009 to figure things out and she'll go if nothing happens by the end of the time-frame. I felt it's stupid because why does she need to do that if the man wouldn't speak to her at all?
@dvmurphy (326)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Time to break it off as he has all ready left the situation, just not physically yet. He wants out but either doesn't want a scene, is playing games with her or he likes drama. Either way she needs to realize it is over and move on. Why punish yourself.
@jcay_lorna (433)
• Ireland
22 Jan 09
I believe its time for your friend to move on. There's no point in staying in waiting for a man to decide whether to marry you or not especially when even a kiss goodbye would even become an issue. I'd really feel hurt if I were your friend. I will not take it as an insult but as a sign that I have to move on. It may be his way of saying that I don't have a feeling for you anymore. Not the way that you want to. I'd say you can help your friend understand what the gesture looks like to people looking in and let her decide for herself and see that it really is over for her to be able to move on.
@pulangpluma (334)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
I think the guy is trying to avoid complicating whatever it is that's bugging him about the relationship by not having to do anything intimate with your friend. Perhaps yes he is in the crossroad. As for your friend, since I assumed she has spoken with you about this, you can give her your honest opinion about it. probably your thoughts will shed light on her confusion and prompt her to take action regarding the relationship.
1 person likes this
@dfollin (25381)
• United States
21 Jan 09
That is strange.You'd think he would of kissed her and that she did not even need to ask him for a hug.If I were her I would go on with my life and start dating other people and see how he reacts.That's strange.Did they call off the wedding because one of them cheated on the other?
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
21 Jan 09
If this was a arranged mariage and the two were just getting to know each other, this would have been proper. But if this is suppose to be a love match, then this gesture means Trouble.If he is still passionate about her, it wouldn't have mattered where they were, he would have kissed her goodbye.And since he won't talk about it, all we can do is guess. I am a pessimist so if I were her, I would have assumed that there is someone else.And if this marriage is to be based on love, I would have asked what was the matter. And if he didn't answer me, I would have told him to come see me when he can talk about it. Until then , leave me alone.
@borgborg (821)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
Reading your story also makes me wonder about the guy... It seems he wants out in the relationship. But don't call on me on that, its just base on what I felt after reading your story. I think your friend needs to have a one on one serious talk with that guy... -cherry-
@gracie04 (4549)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
Based from your description, the guy seems not to be interested with your friend anymore.. im pretty sure that there's something bad going on between the two that your girl friend didn't tell you.. you know, you should ask your friend about it..ask her if she has problems or something with her boyfriend..
@catherine_r (20)
• India
21 Jan 09
laydee, Canceling a wedding is a big decision to make. I am quite sure that your friends boyfriend may have taken a decision after a lot of thought, to break up with her, even if its at at such a late stage. Your fried should make a fast decision either to figure out things with him or just break up with her him. Only by making a decision will she be able to move on with her life.
