Is deliberate teen pregnancy a new fad?!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
January 21, 2009 1:52pm CST
I've been having regular conversations with my 18 year old daughter. She lives at home, attends community college and intends to go on to university to major in Psychology or Forensic Anthropology. She has a lot of goals in mind. She is having a difficult time grasping the behavior of some of her female friends and acquaintances. At least 5 or more of these girls have deliberately become pregnant in the last 6-12 months. These girls are generally 18 and 19 years old. Some are living away from home for the first time, living with their boyfriends (some of whom are older, some of the same age range). These girls will now drop out of college. Most don't have jobs. BUT they do feel it will be a grand idea to have a baby.
In one case that sticks out in my mind, the expectant couple was told to find an apartment... yes, TOLD. They weren't in a hurry to move out. Every apartment they were shown, they complained that it was "too small" or "not nice enough"... but it was all they could afford. Only the boy works and part-time at that. This couple firmly believes that, once the baby arrives, everyone is going to help them. They both expect their families not only to babysit and physically care for the baby... they also believe the families will buy necessities and provide financially for him or her. This was not an accidental pregnancy... these kids knowingly conceived. They were evicted from the first apartment already for not paying the rent and are now in an even smaller place and the baby is due at any moment.
I'm floored. I don't understand why there is such a sudden influx of late teen pregnancies. Deliberate pregnancies. Do these young people really believe that raising a child is a walk in the park? I wonder where their own parents are... have they not discussed some of life's harsher realities with their teens? Many adults will say that some of today's young people have a real sense of "entitlement" but does that entitlement include a baby like it's a play thing?
I'm starting to wonder if it's something in the water because it never seemed to be like this before. Has there been anything like this occurring where you live? Is it a "fad" to have a baby now?
4 people like this
9 responses
@tinkerick (1257)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Unfortunately it seems that way. They even created a TV show that centers around this concept. "The Baby Borrowers" (not sure if it lasted) had teenage couples that were considering parenthood actually "borrow" real people's babies and kids to see how they could handle it. If only this could be done to ALL the teenagers out there considering pregnancy.
Not everyone has a helpful family. Even those who do must come to the realization that their family can and/or will only do so much. Some families CAN'T help you financially when they have their own issues to worry about.
The majority of teenagers today have a very UNREAL view of life in the REAL world. They have absolutely no idea of how it goes. Changes in discipline methods has really affected the newer generations. So many kids grow up spoiled, don't know the value of money, don't know HOW to get money, and think everything is/will be provided for them somehow. Because of how they grow up, they think that raising a child is a piece of cake. But they didn't see their own tantrums, poopy diapers, pukey messes, etc.
Plus many girls today are so insecure that they become pregnant out of desperation to stay in a relationship. So many girls think a baby will make the father stick around. Perhaps 50 years ago, but not so in this day and age. Single motherhood is a very common thing now.
Many teenage boys might think being a father is an awesome thing. And it is. But only when you're ready for it.
More parents need to start showing their kids the realities of life in the real world so that they don't get this "rose-colored" vision of living happily-ever-after as young parents.
2 people like this
@tinkerick (1257)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Just an add...it's not a NEW fad in so much that it was around 15 years ago when I was in high school...just not quite as widespread or common. It's simply grown over the years into more and more of a common situation.
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Awesome response, tinkerick... thanks for posting this. I've not heard of the tv show "The Baby Borrowers" but it does make me think of those classes that some schools have/had where the students are given lifelike dolls that they have to care for over a specific period of time, day and night. I agree that if ALL teenagers had these experiences, it would be beneficial in contributing to their thought process.
You're so right about families not being able to assist financially. Our current economy is not going to allow the majority of families to contribute towards raising an unexpected additional child, that's for sure. So many are having trouble making ends meet already - to the point that the ends NEVER reach the middle anymore.
The swing in discipline that you mention is a great point. Some of these teens have just come out of a school system that doesn't even allow its teachers to fail or hold them back in any way... even if they are not succeeding up to standards. What help are we giving our young people when we allow them to skate this way? Then, there are the parents who are so bogged down with work and trying to keep their own lives on the rails that they feel guilty for any lack of time spent with the family. So, as a result, they shy away from disciplining their kids because they don't want to "upset the apple cart" during whatever time they CAN spend together.
It's a scary trend, for sure. It pains me to see these young women giving up on an education they've already started.
1 person likes this
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I thought that show was a great idea. They should let teens borrow children in school for home economics. Not that plastic one that alerts when it is treated badly but a real one. I would be happy to let a teen borrow my child for a day or two to see what it is like to have a two year old. Talk about a reality check lol..
1 person likes this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
22 Jan 09
I'm with you on this one. I waited until I was 23 to have my first child, and even then I thought that I was a little young. I think that these children expect their families to help them out because their families don't tell them any diffent. I get very mad when hear about things like this. If you are old enough to get pregnant, the you are old enough to take care of your own baby and that is that. I myself am very lucky to have a loving husband to help me out and on occation, not all the time, the grandparents like to take the kids for a few hours to visit. At the end of that visit I then take the kids back and take care of them myself. I think that the only time someone should even consider having children is if they are married, have a stable income, and can take care of the child, or children, on their own. I think that these teenage mothers are in for a big surprise and I hope that their parents know enough to teach them that they can't just dropped their kids off everytime they want to go out.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 09
You know what's odd, too, CRIVAS? It reminds me of kids that beg, plead and plead some more to do a certain activity (like they want to play a sport or take a certain type of lesson, etc.) and the parents finally give in and sign them up. Then, once they take part, the novelty of it all wears off and they want to quit. Not ALL kids do this, by any means, but I know quite a few that have and I'm just using it as an example. What are they going to do about a baby? They can't just "give it back" when the reality sets in or they don't want to take care of it anymore. Although, there are an awful lot of grandparents raising grandchildren these days... *sigh*
Thanks for responding! My first was born 3 months before my 26th birthday and, back then, people told me even THAT was young... imagine?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
So true meresa! I remember bringing my first home from the hospital... I took her to her crib, laid her down, and just thought "OK... now what???" LOL!
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I had my first at 25 and I still felt unprepared and too young so yah I feel ya. I don't think a person ever feels ready.
1 person likes this
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
23 Jan 09
They believe everyone will help them because everyone will! Once the baby is born, the grandparents aren't going to want the child to suffer. They may be super mad, but they will help. If I were those parents of the 18 year old, and they expected ME to do it all... I'd say "fine, but I'm adopting the kid and you have no rights to it". Because if you are caring for it already, then the teenagers shouldn't get any say in the child's life.
Another problem is that people think it is so easy to get money from the government. I think this is a fad of lazy teens who think they can get free money just because they have a baby. I don't think they are saying they are entitled to a baby, I think they KNOW that if they have a baby they can call on the government (and our tax dollars) for all sorts of help.
I once saw a young girl's myspace page say "my greatest achievement in life is my son". I thought "she thinks that is an achivement? She got pregnant when she was jobless, unmarried, and with nowhere to live and that is an achivement???" It's sad.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
My daughter told me recently about the facebook page of a girl she went through high school with. This girl was pregnant, aborted, and within a short time was pregnant again -- with twins (same father each time). She lost one of the twins a day or two after their birth so, now, has one son. Her facebook page is full of his pictures and, yes, talk of her achievement in having him, as you mentioned. But nowhere on her page, or even in conversation, does she ever acknowledge her mother who has lost her business in our community because of all the time and expense it has taken to get her daughter through the pregnancy and to help support this new baby.
@nancyrowina (3850)
•
21 Jan 09
In the UK young mothers get a flat or a house and benefits if they have a baby, it's actually harder for young women without a baby to get by. You do see a lot of teen pregnancy and many of them deliberate where I live and it's not a new thing, it's practically considered the norm these days.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Wow... I can see that there would be a draw to doing this if the benefits include housing. Where I live, they would be able to claim welfare payments and, I imagine, would qualify for a low-income housing program... but these accommodations are in very short supply and also not guaranteed. In my mind, it doesn't seem right to make it attractive to have a baby as a means to improving one's benefits situation. Doesn't seem fair to the baby in the long run either :( Thanks so much for contributing this information, nancyrowina. Very interesting to me to see how things work in the UK on this subject!
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Dang I'm glad they don't do this here. Everyone would be having babies. I know in Canada and London you get a year maternity leave. Well I wish we got that here but I'm glad they don't give out houses or we would all have babies lol.
1 person likes this
@kayla_7602 (704)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Ok I was a teen mom I got pregnant when I was 15. My mom was involved and i was on birth control. I got pregnant when i got a perscription from the doctor when i was sick and i was not informed that it woudl stop my pill from working. My parents did help me out so I was lucky my mom provided child care while i went to school. However my sons father and I are still together, he has been working full time at the same job building and installing custom hardwood floors and stairs, since before i got pregnant he has been working there for 8 years now. We did however support our child with all the things he needed, and once i recieved my high school diploma I have them been staying home with him to be a mom. And my hubby is still working we recently bought our first house, i have graduated collage online for my web design diploma however i have not currently done anything with this yet, but have lots of ideas. Being a teen parent is hard, and being a parent to a teen is hard. i think the most importand thing though is to keep the teens educated make them see it's not all cute clothes and freedom, if they think thier parents rules were strict wait until they have to meet the demands of the baby. Secondly i think that we should also make them see that even if they do get pregnant it is not too late to start making better choices for themselves and most importanly the child who has no choice in the matter.
The reason I think we are seeing a rise in Teen pregnancy is because of celeberties like Jaime Lynn Spears who is having a baby young. And tv shows which show teen pregnancy. We have to some how de galmorize it, but still have hope for the teens who do find themselves in the sitaution and encourage them to start making better choices because the pregnancy isnt the end it's actually just the beggining!
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Hi kayla! How great of you to contribute your experience to this discussion. I thank you for that. I can definitely appreciate that life has been hard for you and I'm happy to hear that your parents supported you when you needed them most. You offer an excellent perspective here, contrasting how you've handled an unplanned pregnancy with those who are getting pregnant by choice.
One of the girls my daughter discussed with me, she has quit any job that cut into her social life... she can't foresee what a baby is going to do to it? They just aren't seeing the forest for the trees and that's frightening.
However, you are absolutely right that being a teen parent does not mean an unsuccessful life -- and I never want to come across as believing that. Strong, resourceful, motivated young people will make their way in the world, no matter what. It's what we all do as adults.
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I agree with this also. My mom also had me while she was on the pill. I was a bc baby and happy to be here. It happens but not very often and some people say it fails when it doesn't. I do believe that if fewer of the idols got pregnant less then a lot of teenagers wouldn't think that this was such a cool idea.
1 person likes this
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
22 Jan 09
I think a lot of girls are getting pregnant these days to trap men. This is just my opinion.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
Well, you know, I suppose this could be very true in some cases. I do know of one girl who is now almost 30 who admits that she got pregnant deliberately because of her living situation at home. Her parents were going to move away and she did not want to leave her boyfriend at the time. She got pregnant and then moved into his parents' house, with him, so they could stay together. (They eventually married but ultimately divorced).
IF this is a reason girls are getting pregnant, I sure wish they could see into the future a little and understand that having a child never guarantees the guy will stay with you. Sometimes they don't even stick around for the pregnancy! Especially in the case where they are young, immature, etc. Thanks for being part of the discussion, meresa2girls!
@meresa2girls (88)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Me and my husband have four family memebers that did this. Even in the older generations there is a rise in this.
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
21 Jan 09
I don't think so. A lot of those stories are rumors. I know that some girls get pregnant because they want someone or something to love them unconditionally. I'm sorry that this is missing in their lives, but having a baby is not the solution. Get a cat or a dog.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 09
LOL good point, cripfemme... a pet might be a good alternative or at least a starting point to caring for something other than themselves. I do agree that you hear a lot of rumors about these kinds of situations but, unfortunately, the ones that inspired my discussion are girls that my daughter knows personally and she attends college with them on a daily basis (albeit not for much longer). To be honest, I WISH it were just the gossip mill, you know? Thanks for taking the time to respond!
@UtopianIdealist (1604)
• United States
22 Jan 09
It seems like it is. There are a lot of girls that think having a child will help them out of the situations they are in. Most just see them as cute and cuddly, and never take into account the actual care that is involved. They think their friends will think it is neat, and it will make them appear more responsible. I think if we were to show pre-teen girls video of the actual labor process, we could lower the amount of babies being born to unprepared mothers. After seeing the mess, many of them may decide they do not want to be in that position until they are ready. A lot of teen mothers find out that pregnancy is not too fun, and infact, somewhat disguisting, but it is usually too late by the time they find that out.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 09
I agree, UtopianIdealist. There are definitely children having children because it would seem to be their "way out" of their current situation... whether it's an unhappy home life or even a very HAPPY home life but with a strong desire to grow up and "prove" themselves to be adult beyond their years.
@ravend (658)
• Malta
22 Jan 09
As someone already mentioned, where I live, single mothers are entitled to benefits and housing, plus that, they won't pay taxes or anything and the benefits are more or less equal to what someone on a minimum wage earns (only that people on minimum wage have to pay Social Security and taxes and bills out of that money), plus they get discounts on electricity and water bills. So single mothers are actually living a rich life, compared to hard working people.It is sad, because it stinks of someone who is unable to get his priorities right, maybe they don't have any particular target in life and this seems as a way to give one's life a meaning. True, up till some years ago, when shotgun wedding was still in fashion, some girls used to get pregnant on purpose to trap the man.
However, it is a fact that teenagers also go through what is called the 'idea of infallibility' where they do not realise the seriousness of the consequence of their own actions and are unable to calculate it. These are unfortunately, such cases.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
Holy smokes... they don't pay taxes? I wasn't aware of that. That would, as you said, make the situation rather liveable in comparison to someone trying to get buy on minimum wage. I do understand your point about infallibility, too, ravend and it's a good one. Teenagers really don't foresee the consequences of their behavior a lot of the time... even if we think they SHOULD... they are very caught up in a generation of "I want what I want and I want it right now" - no waiting, no roadblocks. My daughter attends college out of our community but in another community where many families are affluent. The kids come to school in cars that I can't afford. One of her classmates was FURIOUS because she had purchased a Coach handbag on her credit card and her father refused to pay her bill. She called him every name under the sun. There is a definite sense of entitlement to what the parents have. They expect to live as their parents do... but fail to realize that their parents, in most cases, worked their whole adult lives to get to that point.
