I feel so alone
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
United States
January 22, 2009 9:29am CST
Ok most of my friends here at myLot know how my mom did not want my twin and I and made no bones to tell us on a daily basis when we where growing up. I grew up just wanting to be loved and I always said I would not treat anyone like I was treated. 14 years ago mom became homeless so I let her move in with me and my family.
She lived with us for 10 years and now is in a nursing home. She is 77 and a mean woman at times and can be so nice at other times.
I will tell you nothing I do is good enough, she criticizes me at every chance she can. Well now she wants to go out clothes shopping. She is in a wheel chair and I would have to take her on the handicapped bus then push her around and wait on her hand and foot. She has been calling me everyday begging me to take her shopping.
I am so wore down I guess I have to take her. The thought of spending time with her grosses me out, the thought of pushing her in the wheel chair sends me into the nervous break down. Now you say just buck it up and do it. Yes I will do it but it does not mean I will not be having an internal war, nervous breakdown inside of me.
What is going on is this morning she had an eye doctor appointment and then she wants to go shopping afterwards and then do lunch. YUCK.
What has me so upset is she use to have friends when she lived with me, but since she has been so ugly my friends do not want to spend any time with her either so I have no one to call to help me with mom. I have to do this all alone I am not well myself and have dizzy spells and migraines, double vision and what not but she expects me to do this for her. No matter how I feel she had to come first just like always
I have been there for so many people. I have given of myself for years, I have been there to help my Granny, and my Grandfather and when push comes to shove when she died her million dollars went to my older sister and I saw nothing but a few possessions my older sister did not want. I have put my needs aside to so I could help friends and family and when I need help I do not have anyone I can call. Every one I know is either busy or does not want to spend any time with mom. I feel so alone I have been so depressed and alone.
I know I need to just grow up and deal with it. I have been taking care of mom all my myself for 14 years. I have two sisters and no help at all. I have flown up to WA three times to help my older sister with Granny before Granny died. I always felt if I did something nice for someone that I had hoped when I needed help someone would be there for me. I guess I am wrong.
I have been told all of my life that I do not deserve anything good that had happened to me. I do not deserve the food I eat but I had to eat it because the state says mom had to feed us. I guess I do not deserve anyone to help me when I need it also.
It is so hard to realize that I am alone here when it comes to deal with mom because she is so nasty and I have to deal. I have not gotten in the dirt with her because I will not treat people like she has treated me, I will not be mean, and nasty to her. I keep thinking if it was me in the nursing home I would like to get out every once in a while. I would hope I would be kind enough I would have someone who loved me enough to want to spend time with me.
Sorry I just needed to vent this morning. I because today is the day and I have not slept last night, I have been crying on and off, I have been a nervous wreck since she called and decided today was the day for shopping. Thanks for listening.
3 people like this
11 responses
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
22 Jan 09
You not not have to take that woman anywhere and I wouldn't. You know the kind of clothes that she likes. Have her make a list. I would not put myself through that. You are a worthwhile human being just like everyone else. I believe that you are still searching for her approval and the sad thing is, you may never get it. In the meantime, she is simply making you feel worse.
Don't worry about what other people think. It will be a bad reflection on her when nobody wants to be bothered with her.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
24 Jan 09
Yes he was looking out for me this week. He knew I could not take her out alone and that I did not have the courage to ask my driver/friend for help because she had fired mom. I did not want to put her in that situation that I was in.
@eshaan (6188)
• India
24 Jan 09
i understand ur situation friend, coz i am also dealing with one handicapped person in my family, its my brotehr-in-law, though i dont have to take him out and he is not much dependant on me, there are others in the family who look after him, but still i know the mentality and thinking of such people, they expect that their work is most important and they should be given the attention all the time....and yes it comes to the part of some that God has given them the life, just for giving and not expecting much...and that has come to ur part, just face it with courage and u will have happier days ahead !!!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
25 Jan 09
thank you very much you are right she has always been selfish and thought the world revolved around her. She has always thought that her daughters owed her. I will tell you she taught me not to think that way. My kids do not owe me a thing. I do need help now and then and will ask for help but they do not own me a thing.
@mariposaman (2959)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
Nothing much I can do here except give you my sympathy. She will not be around forever so you might want to take this time to prepare for that eventuality. Remember you are not what your mother makes you out to be unless you allow it.
1 person likes this
@megdp07 (70)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I know how you feel. My mom is not old yet or anything so I dont have to face her but my mom let my step dad kick me out on my 18th birthday. It happened bc my child support stopped at that age and he said I could not live under his roof for free. My mom told me just to go and stay with my fiance till he cooled off so thats what I did. Then she called my grandmother and told her I was sleeping around and all kind of stuff. She also made up some lie how I moved out bc she would not let me sleep with guys at her house. She is so full of you know what. So any way my Grandmother comes and gets me and thats where I live now. She helps me through everything and Im very thankful for that. Things will get better for you. It just takes time.
1 person likes this
@zara1990 (11)
• Canada
23 Jan 09
it depends on a person , some people are not alone but they want to be alone , and some are just unlucky that they dont get along with anyone , i also sometimes feel so alone , especially when i visit some place that i hav'nt visited before , or on a party where i dont know anyone , so there are situations when everyone at a point feels that they are alone.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Hi tea~ I just don't know what to say to you. My heart breaks
for you hearing how badly you feel. You are one of the nicest
and sweets most caring people that I know and you just don't
deserve to be treated the way your family treats you. I don't
understand how selfish your older sister can be taking all of
your Granny's money and not sharing it with you and your sister.
I don't understand why your sisters feel that you should be the
one to deal with your mother. They know that you are not well
and they just keep dumping on you. If you don't take care of
her they don't even care. I think that is disgusting the way
that they treat you and I feel so bad for you. Why do you let
them do this? I know that you don't like conflict, but you
can't keep letting them get away with making you the one that
has to deal with their mother! Please try to just get through
this and then think about telling your sisters that they need
to help. That all these things shouldn't just be your problem.
I hope that you will be ok today. I will be thinking about you.
But, you need to put your foot down once and for all tea or they
will just continue to let you do all the dirty work and ignore
their mother!
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Thanks for your kind words. It will not help to put my foot down with my sisters because they live in two different stats and they will not come and help me. My twin has MS and she sometimes cannot get out of bed for the pain she is in.
MY older sister is the Golden child and is just selfish and that way. She was brought up to be selfish, she got it all and continues to get it all. I let mom move in with my family 14 years ago when mom stopped working. At the time I was told by mom that she was too sick to work. Well mom was not too sick she later bragged to one of my friends that she decided to quite working and become homeless so one of her daughters would have to take care of her because we owe her. We owed her for raising us. What a load of crap.
Now I vowed a long time ago not to treat people/family like I was treated growing up and that includes mom. So I continue to take her crap when I cannot find an excuse not to take her out.
It ended up we did not go out because she was too ill. She got an headache after her appointment. I do not like she was in pain but it saved me from having to push her around from store to store. I walk with a cane and it is hard for me to push a wheel chair but mom does not care.
today I have my driver coming so we are going to go buy her clothes and I am going to give mom some cash so her friend will take her out to eat if she wants.
@bamakelly (5191)
• United States
22 Jan 09
There is nothing more sad when your mother rejects you. That is the person that we look up to seek for comfort. When you don't feel that common bond it can stay with you a life time. It is all in the way that you deal with it through out your life.
You will never forget the sadness and bad treatment. Apparently you are not the one with the problem. I think that your mother might have had issues long ago and never handled them in the proper manner and therefore was not able to give you the proper treatment and love that a child deserves.
I know it can feel terrible when you feel you are alone. I have those times myself. It is good that you expressed yourself here today. I hope I am in some help in telling you that you are not alone and people do care for you. They just might not know how to show you. Good luck.1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Thank you for being there for me. I just cannot stand being with her and all the work she takes and all the abuse she gives me. She has alienated all the friends she use to have. I am the only one she still has in her life out of the feelings of obligation.
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
22 Jan 09
AWWWWWWW Honey, {{{{{{{{{{{ HUGGGGGGGGGG }}}}}}}}}}
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Just because we can't be there sitting next to you, doesn't mean you're alone!!! I wish I could send my Dad shopping with your Mom!!! Stop feeling sorry for yourself because your Mom couldn't give you love. Spend that time & energy feeling sorry for her unloving azz!!! There must be an awfully sad soul inside that body!!! I'm only guessing, but I bet your Mom is about the same age as my Dad. Apparently they didn't receive much love either & have NO idea how to give it!!! Take her to her appointment, enjoy your lunch & pray that shopping will go better than you anticipate. Who knows, maybe there is a miracle in the works today. Just remember that you will have to live with yourself once she's gone. If you know in your heart that you've done everything you could to treat her with love & respect, you will have no guilty feelings once she's gone. If you act exactly like she does, you will feel guilty for the rest of your days. God knows where your heart is & what all you've done to help others. He will give you a peaceful home in Heaven. This life is only temporary. That home is forever!!! I've prayed that God will take away your pain today & give you some peace before this day ends. Who knows, maybe today will be the day your Mom opens her heart to tell you how much she loves you!!! I am PROUD of the way you have dealt with your adversities. Work on letting go of your pain. I know it is NOT easy, but you will be happier when you do!!! It is up to you...You can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to refuse to accept that misery & be at peace with yourself!!!
{{{{{{{{{{ LOVE }}}}}}}}}}
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
23 Jan 09
Thanks for your prayers and love. I will send mom to your dad. Mom is 73 and I do not think she will be around to much longer because she is going into kidney failure. MOm has had a miserable life to her making.
We did not go shopping because she was not feeling well after her appointment so I was so upset for nothing. I am going to buy her clothes and give her some cash so her new friend can take her out to eat if she wants.
I do not feel guilty because I have bent over back wards for mom. The thing is mom told my friends a few years ago that she decided to stop working at the age of 59 and move in with one of her daughters because "we" owned it to her. She raised us so I have paying off my debt to her since she was 59. I now have 4 more year before we are equal in her book. I do not know what will happen if she is still alive and I am paid off. Who knows she will come up with something else I owe her for.
To know for one "I was not wanted and to be told and then to know she is just using me because I owe her" that is so sick and it hurts me I fell hook line and sinker into her plan when she became homeless. MY sisters did not they have never helped her, they have never done anything for her. Mind you she abused us all I am the stupid one.
I will tell you I do not treat my kids that way. My kids do not owe me a thing. I do move my kids and am proud of them. I feel my kids deserved better than I got. I have never blamed them for my mistakes or my life choices.
by the way the baby to be is now 5lbs 6 ozs as of last tuesday.
@ethansmommy06 (401)
• United States
23 Jan 09
dont you dare be sorry for one minute. and dont ever think that you dont deserve good things to happen to you. i want to share with you a story of my dad and his mom. my daddys mom left him and an older sister to fend for themselves when he only in the 10th grade. he ended up stealing from the grocery stores to eat and ended up quitting school to go to work to keep from stealing. It wasnt until he was grown and married and my brother and i were born till she decided she wanted a relationship. My daddy loved her cause she was his mother but that was it. we hardly visited at all. She eventually got down and ended up in the hospital 4 years ago. as she was dying she asked for his forgiveness and it was only after he forgave her she passed on. it was really sad. Now about you, i cant believe a mother would tell thier child they were not wanted and only fed cause state said it had to be done. No child should go through that. I work in a nursing home and in our place we have staff that takes our little residents out shopping or to eat or whatever, doctor visits and everythig. I run into alot of nasty bitter little people in our place and they get no visiters at all. Sometimes you just cant change people. If i were you i would demand help from my sister she is thier mother too and i dont think its fair to lay all the responsibilites on your shoulders. if you are not well yourself then by all means get your self well!! Kindness is not always appreciated but you are an awesome person to do what you have done concidering the way you have been treated. dont feel alone and please dont ever think you dont deserve good things in your life, i believe good things will come to you. just be patient. if you dont feel comfortable doing these thingsthen dont. get your sister on the phone and demand her help. i dont think you are the one that needs to grow up at all. your awesome.
@jsgomes (78)
• India
22 Jan 09
I feel you should never judge person by his/her reactions sometimes, specially people close to ur heart. Our assumptions about people are not always true. I believe you need to understand the other sometimes to know the problems/sufferings of the other.
Hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
23 Jan 09
I am sorry I do judge her because I have had to take care of her for 14 years because she stopped working at the age of 14 years. She went to bed at the age of 59 and has been happy to stay there and not do anything for her self or help me do anything in my house. She expects people to wait on her hand and foot and if they do not she is mean. SO yes I do judge her.
