Does being in a relationship validate who you are?
By FayeSLongo
@FayeSLongo (306)
United States
January 30, 2009 10:40am CST
My mother has always been with someone. After my step-dad was murdered she had a new boyfriend within two months and that is the longest she has been single since I was born.
Does having a prtner really validate us as individuals? I'm single and I love being single. I've enjoyed having a prtner too but being alone isn't frightening to me or anything. It's like a breath of fresh air.
What do you think? Is it more fulfilling to be with someone or to be alone? Or does it even matter?
2 people like this
15 responses
@LuckyLadyD (359)
• United States
31 Jan 09
I think that to a lot of people being in a relationship is so important that they don't care if the relationship is healthy.
I know it's easier to get through life and dealing with the day to day when you have a partner to share the load, but not if it's at the expense of living in fear, or under such circumstances where you can't be yourself, and the you that you really are, is lost.
I've seen, and heard of way too many of these types of relationship.
Let's face it, they aren't really helping anyone.
2 people like this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
See that is the kind of unhealthy pattern I see in my mom and it worries me. I just wish that she could see how amazing she is and that the men she is choosing to be with are straight up $HIT!
@saffrondreams (596)
• Canada
31 Jan 09
It shouldn't. The problem of defining your identity in terms of relationships is that people are fickle: they might die, cheat on you, or leave you. You wouldn't build a house on a swamp, would you?
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
No I wouldn't but my mom would. I think that you put this really well and with very simple terms.
Thanks for responding.
@dodo19 (47338)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
30 Jan 09
I think that it's what you do that really makes you who you are, that validates who you are. You are the only one, who can decide what you want to be, and find who you are. Being in a relationship is certainly something that you can benefit from. For some, this might help them find who they are. Some might benefit from it. But I don't think that it's for everyone. I don't think that everyone can benefit from it.
1 person likes this
@dodo19 (47338)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
7 Feb 09
I must admit that, for me, if I was constantly in a relationship, it might be difficult to validate and find who I am individually. But I can see how, for some, it is possible. As some need to be with people all the time, need to be surrounded by them all the time. And that's part of who they are.
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
Another GREAT point! "Healthy" relationships are definitely beneficial and I guess that with time even some unhealthy ones could be but I agree, only you can know and validate who you are and that's the point. You have to know who you are before you can do that.
Can a person discover who they are as an individual if they're in the midst of a relationship CONSTANTLY?
@borgborg (821)
• Philippines
31 Jan 09
I'm in a relationship right now and we are happy with each other. We have been together for two years now that's why its hard for me o imagine being single again because we are hoping will stay together till the end. I am happy with our relationship and so are my single friends. Maybe its just a matter of being contented on what you have...
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I think what's important is to be ok with being alone. I like being in a relationship; it's comfortable and secure, but it is also important to be ok with being on your own. I think that's what my mom is missing.
Congrats to you though, I wish you guys the very best!
@chance2691 (566)
• Philippines
31 Jan 09
It's all in the mind.
I'm seventeen, but I've had two exes, each of whom I've been with for two years. This is the only time I've been single since I turned thirteen, and I wonder why I never thought of being single all this time. I used to fear that being out of a relationship would make me feel inadequate, but now--after the relationships and the unhappy endings it put me through--I can breathe easy being alone. I'm not looking for boyfriends or whatever anymore; boyfriends are overrated. :))
1 person likes this
@city_girl21 (68)
• United States
31 Jan 09
Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make you whole; for some people it can be scary to be alone, and vice versa. (Though I haven't heard of a latter case happening yet.) There's moments in time where you need your own space and the freedom to do whatever you want, but personally I think a serious relationship is more fulfilling. The types where you discover love and chemistry between you and your partner. It doesn't really develop character, though, unless you count the instances in which a significant other is so controlling that they change their lover's personality for the worse.
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I agree that being in a relationship doesn't and SHOULDN'T be what makes you whole. I feel that a person has to be able to function on their own before they can be in a long-term and fulfilling relationship. I kinda get that you might agree with that?
I think that it's important to know and be cool with who you are FIRST so that way if your partner does start getting violent and controlling or if things start getting negative you'll be strong enough to get away!
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
30 Jan 09
I Think being with someone is better than being alone but basically it really depends in the perspective of the person...sometimes people feel that being free and alone is better but there are times that people needs a person to be there for them who will stand by their side when they feel alone and left out. Yes being free is nice but it's enjoyment doesn't last forever.
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I agree with you completely. I would not want to spend my life alone, I do hope to share my life with someone eventually and I've already learned a lot about myself from the relationships I've been in previously. But its been my experience that a person can't discover themselves or moreover - I couldn't discover myself or learn to accept and love myself while I was in a relationship. That is something I have had to do alone.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
30 Jan 09
I don't need someone to be happy. Sure, I'm not single, I do have a partner but it's not like it's a physical need for me to be dating someone. I love my partner to pieces, but I'm not defined nor validated by my partner. We are separate individuals and I can do fine on my own. Sure I enjoy having my partner around for some things but that doesn't mean I have to do everything with them.
My mother on the other hand really isn't comfortable being single. She definitely feels like she's losing something by not dating and she claims she's not into dating people but that is a lie. She does it but she's not so vocal about it. She needs men around to make herself feel wanted and accepted and to feel like she's a good person. I'm not sure why, I have my theories but I definitely couldn't live like that.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
30 Jan 09
I have been through 3 divorces and am presently in the middle of a break up, he decided he wanted to 'move on alone'. Anyway.....after my last divorce I spent a year and half on my own, and I was fine with it. I don't have to have a man in my life to be happy. And being on your own, you don't have to worry about having your heart broken. As I stated in another discussion, I think I'll just get a dog, they love you unconditionally and they won't break your heart. I'm not actually bitter towards him, as I think I had known it was coming, I'm just not one to jump back into a relationship just so I'm not alone.
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I think that giving yourself time to recoup is the best thing anyone in your position could do. Being in a relationship (even a good one) is a TON of work and I can't imagine just moving on without any down time.
I wish you the best with moving on and thanks for responding.
@Pinkie917 (27)
• United States
30 Jan 09
I believe everyone is different...some people just dont like to be alone, they like caring for someone and having someone who cares for them. Also some people need more intimacy in their lives. I dont think it makes a difference to some people but I don't think that they are stronger than people that like to have a partner with them. People are who they are
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
You actually bring up a really good point; everyone is different and maybe some people seek out relationships not to validate who they are but for other reasons. I still feel that it is extremely important to be sure of and positive about who you are as an individual first but I also know how wonderful it is to share a life with someone one else or even a moment.
@izathewzia (5134)
• Philippines
31 Jan 09
It depends on the belief of the person. I personally believe that I can stand without a man on my side. I don't need relationship to make myself whole. Although I am married now, but it is because i love my husband and not to really makes me for who I am right now.
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
See what you are describing is a healthy relationship. Being with someone as a conscious choice rather than an unconscious need. Having standards, being aware of what you want and deserve in a partner - those are all healthy things. What my mom does is very unhealthy! Whoever comes along is who she's with. These guys might as well (and some have) just come in off the freakin streets! They use her and ditch her and she instantly moves onto whoever is standing closest.
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
31 Jan 09
I'd been a widow for 19 years. It's really more fulfilling with someone however being single makes you more stronger. This boasts your self confidence, When my husband still living I think I can not do things possible without him. I can't sleep alone, I could not walk or go to far places. I fear even going out at night. When he passed away however, being alone made me realize I can do hard things that I won't do should he still around. I was able to surpass the family problems, I was able to earn for the family. Being alone made me feel am no longer a woman but a bread winner and a responsible man.
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
See I'm young and I've spent about a third of my life in a relationship. I feel like for me, it has been more fulfilling to be alone. I've been able to find myself; to explore who I am and who I want to be, I'm learning how to accept myself, love myself, and care for myself.
I started dating seriously when I was thirteen - I was still a baby so I haven't really had a chance to grow up on my own like I should have. But I do feel that as I become more comfortable with who I am, I do want to share all that with someone, with someone healthy and special to me.
I've gone through similar experiences; like with being the breadwinner and just feeling really accomplished as a mom (and a single mom at that), a student, an employee, and a person in general. It is wonderful isn't it - to be whole all on your own!
@AmandaBarnhart (671)
• Canada
30 Jan 09
I think being in a relationship is an added bonus. We should define who we are on our own. You can only really validate the true you by knowing you, loving yourself unconditionally so that you are able to resonate that validation in yourself and confidence in your abilitys as an individual, lover and partner. You should never need anyone to validate you or who you are. If any one does then they need to search to find themselves as an individual and on their own. How can one expect someone to truly know them for who they are if they themselves don't even know who the true them is?
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I couldn't have put that better if I worked at it night and day for the rest of my life!
I agree with you completely. Being on your own has value for the lessons you learn about who you are and for the ability to learn to love that person, being in a relationship should validate that while helping you grow to become a better person. It shouldn't dictate who you are, how you are, or how you feel about those things.
Thanks so much for responding!
@bookreadermom08 (5614)
• United States
30 Jan 09
In my opinion, it does not validate who we are...not in any way...I think for some people they benefit being with someone to have a closeness and the luxury of having someone there in good times and bad, but we as and individual can only validate who we are... the person we choose to be with will enhance our lives.
I have been with my husband for almost 20 yrs now, and I am a strong person with or without him, he has taken up traveling a lot in the last couple years with his job change but we are strong individuals and have such an honest relationship with one another that it is ok, and we do well when the other is away....and makes it more exciting when the other returns..
1 person likes this
@FayeSLongo (306)
• United States
7 Feb 09
I think yours could be the definition of a healthy relationship =) Congrats and thanks for sharing your perspective and experience.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
24 Feb 09
No it doesn't validate me. But having my hubby in my life does enrich my life. He is one of if not totally my best friend. There would be an emptiness in my life without him. But that is the nature of our relationship. I would not hurry up and be with someone else if heaven forbid he were gone.
