I made him prove himself
By slickcut
@slickcut (8141)
United States
February 1, 2009 1:06am CST
Many of you remember that I had a discussion about my husband getting on the dating web-sites, well it also led to other things as well.so we split,and now i have an apartment....So our divorce will be final in 5 days..Well we decided to be friends and try to get along and at least be there for each other ,since we are older it never hurts to have someone you can depoend on...He decided he did not want to move so he stayed in my house in the country....Here is the deal...He really wants to get back together ,i don't , however I will help him out ,he is after all not in such good health.We have been married 6 years...So you know i am always feeling like everything is my fault somehow, so I decided to test this man i have been married too...So i opened a new e-mail address and new password...I was told by one mylotter friend that maybe i should test this man of mine...So i am always afraid to do anything bad so i thought "maybe he is sincere....By the way he is still on these sites, however the last time he was here ,he told me he was no longer going to be on them & he deleted his account..He even talked about us getting a house together...So i thought well maybe this is the right thing to do....Anyway back to this new e-mail i opened..I e-mailed him and said my name was so & so and did he still want to date..Well he returned my e-mail with "Oh yes i still want to take you out,and gave me his new phone number...So i think this man is still messing up..I know it was ugly of me but i had to find out just how serious he was,and i found out....He even went so far as to tell me when he came by my apartment that he still loves me...So how can this be?Did i do wrong by tricking him? or do you think I was wise to find out what his motives were?....I know one thing ,i feel as though i am more justified now, because i do not feel he is really that sincere or he would not be e-mailing this so called woman (that is really me) what do you think?Be honest ,i am open for advice both good or bad...
18 people like this
44 responses
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
My Advice to you is to call him up and tell him you want to meet him and discuss what he said to you the last time he was at your place. Print out the emails and have them laying wherever you and he will be talking. He is nothing but a pig and you should NOT go back to him under any circumstance. I would have done exactly what you did and everything I am advising you to do. He needs to know that you will not put up with it and if it were me I would tell him straight out if he can't be honest with me then I don't see a friendship either.
Good luck with your decision hun.
4 people like this
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
I cannot believe you actually let him live in YOUR house LOL I wouldda kicked his butt to the curb LOL
3 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
1 Feb 09
Hiya slick. I vaguely remember your original discussion on this and if my memory serves me correctly I suggested you end things with him as soon as possible and as completely as possible. I could be wrong but I'm fairly sure that was my reaction.
You are too nice (sweet, soft, forgiving, loving) for your own good.. This man will never be true to you. Can you love someone like that...maybe you will say yes but the fact is that his actions will destroy you a little at a time...his actions devalue you. You deserve so much better than that...even being alone would be better than being used and lied to.
I still say cut all ties with him. Get back what belongs to you. Take a stand for what is right otherwise nothing in your life will change...and you truly need change so you can truly move on. You know in your heart and in your head that things are not right because you are getting that divorce....finish the relationship completely ...it is the only thing to do. All your friends here will be here for you so you won't have to be alone. Hugs and good luck.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
2 Feb 09
I know how happy you are in your apartment. It's time to cut all ties with him...your divorce is only a few days away. He has nothing to offer you...just more lies and deceit and that's not what you want. As for your house, he cannot take care of it either I believe, so sell it. Invest the money and live a wonderful life. You can make a fresh start and be stronger for having rid yourself of this weight on your shoulders.
If he was truly your friend he would not do the things he does....friends don't behave that way. He is taking advantage of you and giving you pain in return.
All the best to you.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Yes you are right, you told me and that is what i did..I lived with my daughter until my apartment was ready, so now i have moved in..I really like it and do not plan on going back..My divorce will be final in 5 days....He just acts pityful & just begs me to return but i won't..The reason i tricked him is because he lies so much, i did not believe him and again i really wanted to make sure it was right to do this..Well i found out he is also deceitful as well as a liar....So i might just insist that he move out of my house & just sell the place...It is 2 acres and i just cannot take care of it alone, besides i love my new apartment....
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
1 Feb 09
slickcut,
There seems to be some hesitation on your part about the parting and divorce from this man whom you had married for 6 years. I think besides the devotion, love and commitment that you have for him and this marriage, there is this sentimentality and his ill health that is pulling you back. Correct me if I am wrong.
However, I do think that you should really ask yourself if you really want to give this relationship and marriage another chance. If you do, I suppose you will need to confront your man and let him know what he has been doing seemingly behind your back. You have already given him enough chance and time to prove himself and if he still cannot and does not want to admit and evolve, then I would think that it is only right to proceed with the ultimatum on him. I understand that it is really hard to trust again especially when he has been erring repeatedly but who is perfect at the end of the day.
I know that this divorce is very devastating to you and likewise for him as well. I just wonder if it would eventually wake his conscience eventually. If it does then this parting is certainly well meant and good for both parties.
Take care.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 09
You have given me good advice..This man is such a liar..He has always been a liar..The thing you are right about is that i do feel sorry for him because he is in bad health and i feel somewhat responsible to take care of him, however my kids tell me i should NOT feel this way because this is not a long marriage & he has lied so much and he really gets on my nerves..I do not think I am in love with him it is more a feeling sorry for him....I did at one time but he killed all my love with his lies..He has lied to me from day one & his family all told me about his lies but i stayed because i felt since i made the mistake of marrying him ,it was my duty....But i have helped him so much since we have been together,,He came into this marriage with nothing but the cloths on his back & i am the one that had a place to live..He chose to stay at my house & i let him...I really do not want to give this marriage another chance because it was not good & now that i have an apartment i am happier(alone but happier) i think since i was married to my first husband for like 38 years, that i am just trying to learn to live alone,thats one problem...I am use to a realtionship & i am trying to cope with being alone...but i just do not want to deal with qall this dishonesty,and he was on a dating website when we were together,that sorta put the icing on the cake,with all the other problems as well..I am going to go on with the divorce & thats what i want,because i really do not feel he has added anything to my life...Thank you
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
1 Feb 09
slickcut,
All I can say is to move on with your life then, and do make the best of it.
Take care.
1 person likes this
@cchotiner333 (29)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I would definitely let the divorce go through. In my situation, I was a teenager but I was in almost the same predictament. I was young and in love and kept a blind eye open and nothing else. I would find phone numbers in his pockets and he always had an excuse. The way you caught him is ingenious!!! You became your own private detective. Brilliant!!! My ex was the same way and I only wish I could have caught him, like you were able to catch your man. I say DUMP THE CHUMP!!!!!
I hope things work out for you. Follow your instincts, remember, they try to keep you out of trouble, not keep you in it!
3 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I agree..He actually killed my feeling a long time ago , however,the way i was raised i feel that marriage is so scared that i was afraid of doing the wrong thing,however i know now that i was right to began with and nothing there to save at all...I will go through with the divorce for sure....Thank you
3 people like this
@cchotiner333 (29)
• United States
1 Feb 09
No thanks neccessary! I am glad that I could offer some been there done that advice. I hope you will move forward with your life sooner rather than later and remember that you deserve so much more than he is willing to offer you. Sometimes I used to regret leaving my ex behind but I don't anymore. I have found a wonderful husband, who has never once even thought about cheating on me. Have faith that you too deserve the same for yourself! Good luck to you on your journey.
2 people like this
@carl76 (123)
•
1 Feb 09
i dont personally agree with trickery but i have to say that given your circumstances its only natural to have doubts and if this man claims total sincerity after previous infidelity(online or otherwise) then rather than checking up on him you are actually just trying to prove/disprove his true intentions ,and as it turns out you've saved yourself a lot of hassle in the long rung so i think fair play to you.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I agree i hate trickery, however in his case that is the only way to find out the truth....Had he not been such a liar in the past, i would have trusted him and never went to such measures...Thank you ...i did find out what i needed to know........Thank you for your response
1 person likes this
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
1 Feb 09
That dirty dog, its good you found out now. We women have a tendency to want to believe and think the best of people, I know I do and it sounds like you do too. I am sure he does love you, your a kind decent person and you have taken care of him. He is a man, a dirty rotten man. Sometimes men don't think with their heads, they think with another part of their body. I think its good that you found out before you were sucked back in. It was not rotten on your part, he was the one being rotten. You have every right not to trust him. If you don't have trust then you don't have much. I say sure continue to be friends, just guard your heart. I am so sorry for you Slick that this happened, but at least now you know. You can continue with your plans and life with a clear conscience, you did nothing wrong-he did.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
2 Feb 09
Well Polly, he did this when we were together even..so thats one reason i left him to start with....that along with a lot of other things...My Pastor once told me that when you meet someone to marry, that if they do not add something good to your life then you do not need them,and he was right...He has added nothing to my life..I lost 6 years messing with him.My divorce will be final the 5th, and i plan to make some BIG changes.....
1 person likes this
@oldboy46 (2129)
• Australia
2 Feb 09
Get him out of your life and permanently. He is a user and right now it seems he has the best of both world from what I am reading here. He is in your house and of course he didn;t want to move if he is living there rent free while you are the one who had to move into an apartment. Whether you bought the apartment or are renting it, it is costing you money. 
He was the one who was unfaithful and it seems continues to be but you are paying the price, not him. He wants it both ways. He tells you he loves you and wants to get back together but at the same time he is still involved with other women through this internet dating site. Get rid of him before he hurts you anymore because that is just what will happen if you allow him to be a part of your life.
Friends are special people that we allow into our life. They do not lie and cheat, they do not steal from us, they do not take advantage of us, they are honest and caring, they respect us and our feelings, they are there for us in good times and bad. Friends are special people for a reason and from what I am reading your ex-husband is not a good friend to you at all.
If anyone else treated you like your ex-husband is doing/has done, would you keep them as a friend? Answer that honestly and you will realise that you do not need this man in your life. 
Good luck, be happy and only have as friends people you can love, trust and respect and who do the same for you.
He was the one who was unfaithful and it seems continues to be but you are paying the price, not him. He wants it both ways. He tells you he loves you and wants to get back together but at the same time he is still involved with other women through this internet dating site. Get rid of him before he hurts you anymore because that is just what will happen if you allow him to be a part of your life.
Friends are special people that we allow into our life. They do not lie and cheat, they do not steal from us, they do not take advantage of us, they are honest and caring, they respect us and our feelings, they are there for us in good times and bad. Friends are special people for a reason and from what I am reading your ex-husband is not a good friend to you at all.
If anyone else treated you like your ex-husband is doing/has done, would you keep them as a friend? Answer that honestly and you will realise that you do not need this man in your life.
Good luck, be happy and only have as friends people you can love, trust and respect and who do the same for you.@oldboy46 (2129)
• Australia
2 Feb 09
Good to read that you are at least making him pay some rent. Okay so it might be less than he would pay elsewhere but at least he is contributing and that is the main thing. You are wise not to let him back into your life and although it was a hard way to find out he was still lying, it is good that you know for certain. ou must have known in your own mind that he was still "playing the field" or else you would not have started that email address. I admire your courage for taking such a step. 
Remember, once a cheat, always a cheat!
Remember, once a cheat, always a cheat! @slickcut (8141)
• United States
2 Feb 09
He thought he was going to have the place rent free( i started making him give some rent),He does not pay what he would pay anywhere else but i do make him pay rent now.....I do not plan to let him back into my life...I was just curious as to how a person could be so dishonest..So by tricking him i knew he was lying...
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Feb 09
You still want to be friends? If so, close up the the email and just know he is still on those sites.Me,I would email him and set up a date and show up. Then he would know that I know he is Still on those sites and it is Really over.At least you know the truth. Do whatever will make you feel happy.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
9 Feb 09
I was thinking the exact same. Set up a blind date, tell him what you will be wearing, and see what his face looks like when he shows up. You won't have to say a thing, he will know that you know about his profiles still being active.
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10874)
•
2 Feb 09
For a relationship to become strong there has to be trust and honesty. As a counsellor, I have seen so many couples with problems arising from dishonesty. Some take notice when I say that if they want it to work, they need integrity, but others carry on in the same old way causing harm to themselves and their kids - if they have any.
I don't need me to tell you that there is no honesty in your relationship with your husband but the decision is down to you at the end of the day of whether you think it's worth the effort to try and bring some honesty into it. And if you feel that's not possible, again it remains your decision. In Zen, there is philosophy of "doing nothing" until you know inwardly of the right thing to do for you karma, which is unique to yourself, as nobody can live in your life and know your true feelings and circumstances :-) Derek
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
2 Feb 09
He sounds like the slime ball that my best friend is married to. NO don't reveal the email to him. It won't do any good and he'll find a way to deny it. If you get back together things won't change, he will still prowl around like a tom cat that hasn't been neutered. You didn't do wrong by tricking him, you answered questions that were obviously still in your mind. It sounds like his only motives are to have a full time nurse, housekeeper, and maid living with him while he roams around and dates the female community.
The man didn't take his vows seriously, and it sounds like he couldn't be sincere if his life depended on it. Don't fall for his sweet talk, and keep the email to remind you of what he really is doing. Don't blame yourself for the break up, or think that you were awful because you tricked him. You did it to protect yourself from future hurt. Let's face it, when you sent the email, you were testing him to see if you really wanted to take the chance. You found out that nothing had changed. Don't beat yourself up or go back to the slime!!! He doesn't deserve you!!!!
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
2 Feb 09
If you want to have some fun, and have a camera... Have a friend who's voice he doesn't know call, or email him and set up a meet at a public place. Then you arrive early, sit in the meeting spot and take the idiot's picture when you meet! The look on his face when he realizes that YOU'RE the one that set up the sting will be priceless. Shoot, have someone tape it for one of the funniest home video programs as it will be a riot! Then tell the louse that you don't ever want to see or hear from him again!!!!
@chantalgiardina (2523)
• United States
1 Feb 09
lol i have done the same thing to my fiance. we have had battle over battle over battle witht his. he is constantly on yout ube pulliung up girls shaking thier booty and he used to do the single sites i put an end to this. he flirts with everyone. ITS TERRIBLE.. im trying to work through it with him as we just had our daughter but i cant do much more ...
i think you did the right thing. yes some say it is wrong but to me its the only thing you could have done to make sure you were making the right decision.
2 people like this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
1 Feb 09
girl you got yourself a handful with that one..hahahaha...I have a friend that had a flirty man too, he almost drove her nuts...I don't know "Why" these men are like that because they will flirt with anything, when they have the best one right in front of them.
Good luck to you..
Good luck to you..1 person likes this
@forslahiri (1042)
• India
1 Feb 09
Hi,
The invisible thread which keeps a couple bound, is no more....U are suspicious thus U played the trick.he is on adventure,thus he replied(to U,unfortunately!).
This far... & no further...is my advice.It will be sour soon!
=Lahiri,Kolkata,India.
@misslovelyfiles (250)
• United States
2 Feb 09
First of all I really don't believe in being friends with an EX. Their about of your past and your trying to move on. Anyway it seems like you were going way out of your way for him; he wasn't looking at it as oh she's kind hearted and want to be my friend he though wow she must still love me and want to be with me despite everything she found out about me. You wanted to test him out because deep down inside you wanted to know is a cheater even though i feel your instincts already told you the answer that's why you filed for divorce. You shouldn't be his friend or anything kick him completely to the curb , and out of your life for good. He already showed you what type of person he is.
1 person likes this
@misslovelyfiles (250)
• United States
11 Feb 09
Awesome and good for you! I hope you keep us posted on how the divorce went and how you feel after it's all said and done if yo feel up to it of course. Happy that you will soon be able to move on with your life and don't look back.
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
1 Feb 09
What a low life..don't even be his friend. He will use you and hurt you.
It is a good thing you tested him, he showed his true colors. Stay away from him, he is bad news.
1 person likes this
@comeonmolly (828)
• China
2 Feb 09
Dear slickout,
Molly is coming..
I don't not quite understand the relationships between the husband and wife since I haven't have husband and even boy friend,anyway from reading or expericences of my friends ,I have witness so many boys cheating (maybe this is one of the reason why Molly do not want to find a boy friend ).You are not alone~~~In this circumstance I do think that you should split with this kind guy ,if I am in your shoes I will definitely do the same thing as you maybe not that wise as you did ,he will cheat you agian if you do not indentify what kind of person he really is .Actually ,I don't think this is a bad thing since you can really know his real characher ..If you do not want to cheated again and want to live a happy life then my advise to you is to divorce with this guy .remember no matter what knid of situation we have our own identy which is different from the others and we should have confidence with ourselves .By the way I have seen your pictures you are not ugly~~please do not say yourself in that way ,be confident dear slickout!!Your friends will always be here for you ....
I don't not quite understand the relationships between the husband and wife since I haven't have husband and even boy friend,anyway from reading or expericences of my friends ,I have witness so many boys cheating (maybe this is one of the reason why Molly do not want to find a boy friend ).You are not alone~~~In this circumstance I do think that you should split with this kind guy ,if I am in your shoes I will definitely do the same thing as you maybe not that wise as you did ,he will cheat you agian if you do not indentify what kind of person he really is .Actually ,I don't think this is a bad thing since you can really know his real characher ..If you do not want to cheated again and want to live a happy life then my advise to you is to divorce with this guy .remember no matter what knid of situation we have our own identy which is different from the others and we should have confidence with ourselves .By the way I have seen your pictures you are not ugly~~please do not say yourself in that way ,be confident dear slickout!!Your friends will always be here for you ....1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
2 Feb 09
Thank you Molly, no i am not going back to him...He acts real nice & pityful and i sometimes feel sorry for him but not sorry enough to go back with him....I just wanted evidence to let him know that I KNOW he is a bad husband & i do not need that in my life...
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
2 Feb 09
When you take out the trash, leave it there.. You never throw out garbage only to collect it in the morning, right?
So, here's the thing. You've proven he's still a pr!ck and is just playing with you (perhaps he needs someone to take care of him that's why he's trying to get back with you), tell him you were that person so that he'll get the shock of his life, he'd even be angry (they always do that) for tricking him, but the point is, any moment a woman would go to him, he'd open his arms wide. So, that's the real him. Now if you'd still like to be 'friends' then go and waste your time, but if I were you, I'd stay away. Someone like that don't deserve to be loved.
1 person likes this
@Bensmom (61)
• Ireland
1 Feb 09
I think your amazing for doing what youve done. I think you should not take him back. My husband left me last year for six weeks, and three of them he went back to america. We went thru a lot we have a two year old and we are back togeather but I still find it hard to trust. Still dont know if I'm doing the right thing. But how can anyone ever be sure, just go with your gut and best of luck. X
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
2 Feb 09
Its very hard to know if you are right or wrong...If you really love your husband, and want your marriage to work, it will take a lot of time for you to heal...Your trust has been shattered, and you will always feel he will do this again...If a person does not add to your life to make you better, then you do not need it in your life....
@samma00 (342)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
Don't take him back. If he loved you, he wouldn't have lied to you, or even joined up for those dating signs. I don't see how someone could ever do that, especially if they have been married for 6 years. I say, you let the divorce run through. You don't want to be with someone who will hurt you. I'm sure you can find a decent and honest man. Have a good day.
1 person likes this
@wallfranklin (148)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I think that it's perfectly fine that you did what you did. I would've done at least that! No way should you get back with that man. He doesn't deserve you. I never understood why married men think that it's okay to get on dating websites, even if they never intend on actually meeting the women in person.
1 person likes this
