Do you love all your children the same ,Is that possible ?
By ronnyb
@ronnyb (6113)
Jamaica
February 1, 2009 9:26am CST
Disclaimer: My aim is not to present what many might say is an offensive perspective I am just curious. I don’t have any children and sometimes I wonder if I did, if I would be able to love them the same. So the information you give will be useful in this endeavor.
Now tell the truth, I don’t think you will sin for it. I used to ask my mother that as a child and she would say, she loved us all the same but isn’t that lying, how practical is that. I knew that she didn’t want to create a view of favoritism but then I knew that she must have her favorites and I wouldn’t have minded because she did her best to treat us equally
My view is that all your children are individuals and as such they have different qualities that you might find endearing as you would another person such as a life mate or a friend. Consequently I believe that you can’t love two persons, even children the same. It is likely that you will like some of child qualities and dislikes other in the same child and the same goes for other children. Consider this situation you have two children, one is obedient and kind and loving and the other is the exact opposite, can you love both these children the same? Wouldnt you feel something extra for the "good” child.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that you should let it show that you love one child more than the other, all I am asking is that as humans, aren’t we prone to love persons based on their individual qualities. And if one person has better qualities then aren’t you tempted to love this person more .
If there are persons out there though, who can love two persons the same, I am open to suggestions as to how this is done. I am also curious as to how you avoid disliking the "bad child" in instances where you have children with different behavioral pattern
11 people like this
49 responses
@kezabelle (2974)
•
1 Feb 09
No I dont love my children the same, I love them equal amounts but in different ways because they are so different I love every part that makes them who they so of course I love different things about each one.
As for disliking a bad child how is any child bad some may have problems that never ever makes them bad!
3 people like this
@wallfranklin (148)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I agree on this one. I definately love both of my children equal amounts. While one child does something a certain way I may dislike the other does it the way I would like. They both act completely different at times, and yet they act the same also. It's really hard to explain how you love your children. They definately deserve the same amount of love!
2 people like this
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Feb 09
Lol I think I know what you are saying and this is a difficult question so I wont bother to ask you how do you know its in equal amount 
as that would be cruel .Thanks very much for your response.I agree with you though in saying you love them in different ways,that I totally agree with.I like the way you say it though
as that would be cruel .Thanks very much for your response.I agree with you though in saying you love them in different ways,that I totally agree with.I like the way you say it though1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
1 Feb 09
when u do have children ronnyb you will find out u love them uncoditionally no matter what they do. they are individuals each & evr one of them . i get aggravated at both of them especially the older one. my mother made such a difference between my two boys that it was always a bone of contention between she & i. i hated that & hate to see anyone show partiality to their children. if i felt it & i don't i would never let on.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
2 Mar 09
just so u love them & don't let them know u are partial. i went through that w/my mother & my sons.& it's not a pretty picture..
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Mar 09
I must admit that not having children may have skewed my view in this area and I suspect that I will love them unconditionally but I still maintain that I am not sure if I will love the same .I am sure I wont let it show by treating one better than the other but I feel that I may love or at least feel more tender to one .I am sure that I wont love them the same as they are all individuals
1 person likes this
@trixyteddy (1070)
• India
1 Feb 09
I have two sons and I love them both equally. Each have different characters. One is more responsible and the other more playful. That does not make me love him less. But it makes me give him more time to get him to be more responsible. You can never love one more than the other. No mothers does that.
2 people like this
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
3 Feb 09
Ok I am not saying that you are a bad mother if you love one more than the other .I also know that that is not something that mothers set out to do ,all I am saying that considering our human imperfections and failings we may inadvertently end up loving one more based on their differing personalities.It may not even be quantitative love but it could be a different kind of love.It doesnt make you a bad mother to love one more ,you just have to ensure you treat them equally at least you dont discriminate.
Ps I know you are a good mother ,happy mothering
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
1 Feb 09
Hi ronnyb, My three children are grown now with families of their own, but I consider that I have always loved them all the same. We didn't have any great deal of trouble with either of them, maybe that's why. Of course if you were to talk to them, they might have a different story, but they have never given me any indication of it. You may be right of course as a parent may be too close to the situation to realize it. Blessings.
2 people like this
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
4 Feb 09
Ok I do believe taht everyone aims to love their children the same ,its just that I cant help but wonder if there are times when you feel a little softer emotion towards one especially when one is a good child and the other gives trouble.Maybe they remember it as exactly as you have described and that is good ,they should never get the impression of impartiality .Thanks fo ryou response
@jenrl17 (420)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Well I dont have any kids, but if I did, Id probably have a favorite to be honest. I think just like every kid has their favorite parent, it works the other way around too, even though theyll never admit it. Watch George Lopez, youll know what Im talking about lol. I do however think there are parents out there that love all their children the same.
2 people like this
@cchotiner333 (29)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I have three children and I love them all so much. Sometimes it's easier to love one more than another because of something they might have done or their behavior that day. I have two boys and a girl. Now, there is something special between me and my daughter, she's so sweet and she likes to get dressed up and I love that about her. Meanwhile the boys like to play in dirt and snot and anything else that makes my stomache turn, lol. That doesn't mean that I love them any less though. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my kids. They are my life and I do love one as deeply as the next. Each one of them is special in my eyes. The best way to see that is when they are sleeping in their beds, angelic! My husband thought that his first son would rival any love he could have for any other child, but his children proved him wrong. He didn't think that he could feel the same about our daughter but she showed him! She has him wrapped around her little finger!
You'll just have to see for yourself! You will or would love one or many children the same! It's just the parental way. I think it's a built in instinct!
@ronnyb (6113)
• Jamaica
1 Feb 09
Wow I think that I understand vividly what you are saying ,it a little harder for me but I got a microcosmic view of that kind of love when my little sister was born.I think that you have expressed it as practical as such an issue can be expressed I also understand that I would have to have a child to fully understand this concept.Somethings have to be felt ,they cannot be explained and not by phsical principles so although it is perhaps physically impossible....it is possible in the realm of love
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I have 5 children , and yes you love them all...However sometimes you might feel closer to one & not as close to the other but that does not mean you do not love them the same...Our children are people too...Do you love all people the same? NO..you love them, but each person holds a different place in your heart...I have had to help one of my sons more than the other, simply because the one i helped NEEDED me, the other one did not need my help....So my answer would be you love them all the same but sometimes it may not feel like you do, but deep down Yes you do....
1 person likes this
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
2 Feb 09
I have four children, I love them equally but differently, because they all have different and unique personalities that make them who they are, and at the end of the day when they all give me a hug and kiss on the cheek before bed, I know that they feel loved as much as each of their siblings. There are several times a day where I am looking at my kids and seeing how different and unique they are, and how much they have grown, and it doesn't matter which one it is, the are told, "you know how much I love you right?" This happens so much that the common response now from all four is "yes, yes mom, I KNOW!!! I love you too!"
I think there is no such thing as a "bad" child but more of a difficult child, and you know even the most challenging child has endearing qualities, that will melt your heart, and those are often times seen as moments of progress and so you come to love that child for those reasons, rather than the difficult behaviors that drive you insane most other times.
1 person likes this
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I love your comments, as the mother of 4 GROWN children, I have to agree with you.
@hdjohnson (2981)
• United States
2 Feb 09
I do love my children equally the same. If it ever came down to my life verses one of all of theirs, I'd lay mine down for them. In regards to discipline though, I am more lenient on my daughters and more harder on my son. The reason being, is because he is more mischievous that they are. Now my youngest daughter gets more discipline than my oldest daughter does.
My oldest daughter is also the taddle-tail. I don't like her doing this, but she does it repeatedly on a daily basis, so I doubt respond in a way that she would like for me to. For instance, I'll speak with her about what is it that she has done to start or provoke the reaction in one of her other siblings that she needed to come tell this or that on them. Or the famous line that I give her is "okay, so what is it that you want me to do?" Then I tell her, "I'm not going to get involved and to go figure out a solution on her own." She isn't especially fond of that response, but it helps her to figure out alternative solutions on her own, verses always running to Mommy or Daddy for solutions.
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
2 Feb 09
I do love all my childen equally there is no question about that,but there have been times when I have not liked them all the same,My eldest son who is now settled with a family and is doing ok for himself,used to give me one hell of a time trying to attack his step dad upset me and made our life a living misery ,I always loved him but I hated him and could not trust him for years and even now we have to be careful ,one bitten has nothing on him,he has scammed us for money ,lived in drink while living with us and our new baby.To be honest when he left home we did not miss him or go looking for him ,we made sure he claimed his benefits and was alive after that there was nothing but relief after he left with a bit of help I can tell you.I always loved him sounds strange.It was always lovely when they were little though and I think that is why I let him back into our lives .My daughter was always a good girl and always has been and it it is a choice between the two of them my daughter would win so there you go you get back what you put in and parents can only take so much.
1 person likes this
@sammyo (21)
• United States
2 Feb 09
As a mother of three kids, however I do fine that I do love each kid for the individual qualities. I can see in them a little of me. One of my kids look just like me, but does not act like me. Other two look like their fathers and act just like me. However, as they grow I fne myself looking at there best qualities and not looking at the qualities I dont like. Yes, it is possible to love all your kids. For the way they are , even if one is good or bad.
@snowcat46 (2322)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I've seen many parents who love one child more than the other. I think I would be the same way. That's why I chose to only have one child. It wouldn't be fair to love one more than the other.
But since we have 2 puppies, I'm thinking I may have gotten it wrong. I love each of these differently. They're completely different personalities. I love each of them differently, but not less. One is a bad dog, he can be counted on to disobey, to steal, to secretly cause trouble. The other tries desperately to be obedient, but he's so enthusiastic he hurts me a lot. He runs into me, scratches me, and is just destructive from rushing into things. The obedient one is the most gorgeous dog I've ever seen. His brother is wire-haired, ugly, and not my type of dog. I adore that dog anyway. The cute one is adorable, cuddly and just a giant teddy bear. The ugly one has so many bad habits it's not funny, but I made him mine. I love him more because of his bad habits.
With that fact in front of me, I say now with complete certainty that you can love each child the same amount. Not in the same way, because each person is different, and each child will need affection differently. But while the love is shown diffently, it's felt the same.
2 people like this
@bookreadermom08 (5614)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I love my children equally... it is amazing the love you can have for a child when you have one and then when you find out you are going to have another one you do second guess yourself in the back of your mind if you will find the same affection you have for your first child for your second, and I have to say, it is amazing!!! I have a son and a daughter, 5 and 1, and the love is unbelievable for them... I never knew what it was when others talked about it... and love is something that you never run out of or have limits ... it just expands and increases day to day for your children.
as far as a bad child, in a parents eye they are never bad, there fore you dont view them as a bad child, but you can face there problems and such.... and when my children do something that me or my husband is unhappy with, you never in that moment stop loving them, as much as you when you get through with yelling at them or sending them to bed you feel so bad that they may think that... and we always make a point of going back to say we love them and why we got mad.
2 people like this
@barbie81 (20)
• United Arab Emirates
2 Feb 09
Hi ronnyb
I have only one kid. But if i had another one I'll love her/him too.
It's too dangerous to love one kid more than other. My mother like my brother.
But brother likes father. And father likes me. But i like my moyher more than father.I could adjust to mother's partiality. But my brother couldn't stand my father's. He is not angry with me.
But may be he is jealous sometimes. He's frustrated at his situation sometimes.
Now he is aged and i think now his feelings are changed.
So don't favor one. never avoid your kids.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I don't see how a parent can't love all their children the same. now I have four kids and I do believe that I love them all equally but they each have some parts about their personality that I do't like. I also think that you can love a child most of the time and have times you just don't like them. I've gone through this with my kids. For what ever reason today i just don't like this one but the nest i do. I hope I'm making my self clear.
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
1 Feb 09
When someone says they love their children all the same, they mean it. I love both my children the same. Now, I don't like some of the things either of them do, but that doesn't stop the motherly love I have for them both. We are not supposed to show a difference in our children in our love. God doesn't show a different love for his children, and we are supposed to be like him.
You said you wasn't saying we 'should let it show that you love one child more than the other'. But then you say you think we can't love one the same. I think, if we act as though we love both the same, and then don't, we are being hypocritical.
When there is a favorite, it is usually because that child is more like the parent, not that the parent loves that child anymore. You might say I'd be the favorite of my mother, being the only girl, and the one that does most things for her. But I know she loves my brothers just as much as she does me. I don't think any of us can tell a mother that she doesn't love each child the same. To me, it would hurt me just as much to lose either of my children.
1 person likes this
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
1 Feb 09
Hi ronnyb this is a very difficult question to answer.I have 3 children and they are all very different in their personalities and outlook. Each one says that i love the other one better than her/him (i have 2 daughters and one son) which means that i am impartial.I can say that i love them all with the same kind of intensity , but again it depends on the situation.I may be angry with one of my daughters over something and i may show my displeasure openly to her at that time but, that is temporary and no matter what i love them all equally ..
1 person likes this
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I only have one child, a son and he is the light of my life.
I'm going to speculate, based on my experiences/thoughts/hopes/expectations of life...
I don't think the question is as much about LOVE as it is about LIKE. A mother's love for her child is, IMO, the strongest bond anyone can have. It's one of, if not THE, most beautiful feeling, to love a child...
But, just to expand on the concept, one could ask this question about any people in their life, siblings or friends, for example. You love your brothers/sisters. There's no question. But you may like one or another more, esp. in different circumstances. Same with your friends. We all have people in our lives that we go to for certain things. A trusted friend to vent about men/women problems. An old family friend for guidance. A college buddy to go out on the town.
I expect if I have another child, that there would only be one thing that child could not fulfill in me... and that is that they are my second, not first born. Other than that, the love will be the same. The likes may be very different, and I think this is normal and healthy, and will most likely be the case with the child's preference to which parent to go to....
For very young children, who are physically and mentally normal, good and bad behavior is learned. Avoiding the feeling of dislike of a child for bad behaviour may be accomplished if you recognize and accept that most bad behavior is a result of bad parenting. Don't dislike the child, dislike the parents for not giving that child the attention he needs and craves.
1 person likes this
@rsk721 (41)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I totally understand your confusion if you do not have children. I, along with everyone else here, would have to say I love my children equally, I would give my life for either of my children and I do whatever I can to make them both succeed. My kids are totally different from each other, but I have to look at them as individuals and appreciate their differences. When I first had kids I felt the same way you did and it wasn't until I experienced the raising of my children that I truly understood.
