Has my husband lost his mind? What would YOU do?
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
February 22, 2009 10:37am CST
My husband is an Engineer. He worked for the past 10 years for one company, making great money. We moved to our (okay, MY) dreamhouse in mountain country 2 years ago. Everything was good. Bills were paid on time and there was enough money for us to dine out occasionally, buy equipment needed for country living, etc. You know, live comfortably.
Two weeks before Christmas, he was laid off. The company was 'cutting back expenses' and my husband was obviously one of those expenses. He received two weeks pay as a severance package. (He never complained.)
Now, he's been working 'on the side' doing freelance engineering work, designing PCBs (Printed Circuit Boards). He was working on one job when he was laid off his regular job.
Okay, he finished that side-job and submitted invoices for close to $6,000.00, the agreed-upon amount. After 4 weeks of calling and calling the guy he did this job for, he finally received a check for $2,800.00. WTF???
Since that time, he's only received promises that the balance owed will be mailed out. He's beginning to go beyond 'annoyed' at me when I ask him, "Have you called Dave?" He's getting angry... at me!
We're now going into the 4th week of February. That's over two months since he's had a full-time job. We've received JUST enough money to make the mortgage payments, HIS truck payment and my health Insurance Premiums and prescription deductibles. That's it. I mean, THAT'S IT!
Oh, I forgot one little tidbit... he hasn't had another freelance job since finishing that one job (4 weeks ago), and he's not looking for another full-time job. He also refuses to file for unemployment.
He's spending all his time working on a design for an invention of his... a flying machine. One which uses only magnets to operate.
Okay, I hear you now and you sound exactly like me. WTF??? This "invention" popped into his head around 15 years ago and he still hasn't made it work. Yet, he's doing nothing that is going to bring in money to pay the bills we have right now.
Honestly? I'm scared. I'm scared that we will lose this house. I'm scared that I'll go to the grocery store one day soon and be told that the debit card has "insufficient funds". I can't work... at least not more than an hour a day and even then that hour would have to be spread out throughout the day because of my disabilities.
My husband isn't even helping me around the house, like he used to since I can't do most of the things I used to do. Trash is piling up, even mail is not collected from the mailbox, by him. I go and get that, but it means getting into my car and driving to the mailbox because I can't walk that far.
Oh, another thing... he keeps buying himself beer. I don't touch the stuff. I've even cut back on things I drink like Coke and juices and drink more water. But, he must have his beer.
I don't like airing dirty laundry but, to be quite frank, I'm scared sh*tless!!! I'm battling Social Security now for Disability and this fight has gone on for seven years now. Even if they were to approve me tomorrow (a miracle in itself), I might not see any money for months down the road.
Does it sound to you like my husband needs a straight jacket? There's NO WAY I could get him into therapy. He's more stubborn than a rock. I'd have to physically bind and gag him, then drag him into the car and drive him to the hospital or to a psychiatrist, and I don't have the physical strength or energy to do that.
I know it sounds like he's under a delusion or severely depressed, or both, but that's not going to pay the bills! I KNOW what's wrong with him. I just don't know what I can do to make this situation any better.
I used to be able to trust him. I had faith in him. That's gone now. I can't leave him because I literally cannot take care of myself. I have no income (thanks to this disability nightmare of mine and, of course, all the things that plague my body and mind). I DO have another house that I could sell, but houses aren't selling right now and that, also, would be months down the road. I could move to that house, but moving takes money, even if it's just gas money and I couldn't support myself there with no income.
If your significant other went off the deep end, what would you do? How would you handle it? I don't know whether to smack him upside the head with a 2 x 4, drug his beer and haul him off to the nearest psychiatric hospital, or what? If he's in a psychiatric hospital, I'm going to lose this house... AND starve or freeze to death, whichever comes first.
All this stress, combined with the stress of my disability case, has my symptoms flaring badly right now. It hurts just to lift my arm... hurts bad. Sitting here, typing, hurts bad. (Thank goodness my doctor saw fit to give me Tylenol 3 (codeine) for the really bad pain!)
Sorry about being long-winded. I honestly didn't mean to be... I just needed to vent. I'm SO frustrated and SO scared right now. Any advice? It would definitely be appreciated. Thanks so much for at least reading this far and allowing me the time to vent.
28 people like this
39 responses
@sparky4641 (155)
• United States
22 Feb 09
sounds to me that he's worthless. get rid of him and find you someone that really cares for you and your house. he's only supported your a$s and gave you what you wanted. now you seem more worried about losing your dream house than trying to find out what might be wrong with your husband. maybe he is in deep depression. or maybe he is just tired from working two jobs to keep things afloat. it could be that he needs to clear his mind and see which way is up. there is alot of companies getting rid of engineers because the salaries are just too high. so getting another job in that feild in probably a little rough, which he probably knows. or maybe he is going to let everything default and start over. but that is what you as a wife should be asking him and try tofind a solution that both of you can agree on or else you want have to look for anyone alse. he'll do it for you.
7 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
22 Feb 09
[/b]Excuuuuuuuuse me!! Who the hell do you think you ARE?? At first you sound like you're on her side and then you tear her apart like she's some piece of sh!t!! WTF is wrong with you?? How about you getting [b]YOU'RE head out of your azz and re-read the discussion AGAIN and maybe then you'll get the true gist of it all!! He's NOT talking to her so how the hell is she suppose to talk to him when he won't converse back?? DUH?! One can't resolve issues by themselves, it takes TWO!! Have you ever been in such situations? Apparently NOT or you would've been decent to mentalward! How dare you be so cruel!! Even if she was in the wrong, she only deserves constructive criticism.... nothing more and nothing less!! If you can't do that then BE GONE!!
7 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
22 Feb 09
LOL I'm only brave when made to be. I can't stand for some strange jackass to come on here acting like they know the ordeal and bash the person who's down already. It makes me so damned angry that I have to defend her honor. Afterall, that's what friends are suppose to do!!
7 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Feb 09
What Cats said!
And change your name buddy, because you really don't want to be on the wrong side of MY SPARKS!
6 people like this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
22 Feb 09
wow, that's a lot of stress is going on here. I can feel the pain and feel all the hurt you have been through, however, I believe he lost his job and that make him goes wild. Some men can't control themselves when they lost their job, and all the do is something else and can't pull themselves back on the road. I have the same problem on my own too but lucky me that I still have my full time job. It is totally hard but I still keep going because I have 2 children to feed and I can't stop in the middle of the road?
I have no idea what should you both do cuz you can't work and he on the stress... I heard there a lot of program that could help you keep up with your home payment, call your lender and ask if they have any program to help you guys out. About apply for disability, you have to keep trying to apply for it and dont have to think how long it takes... just apply for it. It is not just you around here, there are many people facing the same problem. Try to talk to him and put up all the problem that you have right now and ask him to pull himself back together. I believe you are the only one that can talk to him and make him back on the road. It might take time but you have to try because he is the only one that you are realized on. I hope I could help. Good luck
5 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Feb 09
Oh sweetheart, vent and vent again. We'll listen. As you said YOU know what's wrong, and it must be killing you to not be able to do anything about it but worry and make yourself sick. I know so well the situation you are facing. My hubs is working, but so unhappy with his job. But he's a workaholic, and won't quit..........just b*tch at me until the cows come home and the moon wanes..........I hate it. At least he's not drinking. He knows I'd leave him for sure if he did. You don't have that choice.
He's depressed and has retreated into his 'dream/invention' as a way of giving himself hope. And he's left the rest up to you to 'sort out' even though you're in no position to. There are no magic solutions for this kind of situation as I'm sure you are aware. So I'm not going to offer any advice...........Just know that I'm at the tip of your fingers anytime you want to vent some more.
4 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
22 Feb 09
Since his getting counseling isn't an option right now, offer to collect the fund for him from that job. Ask him if he'd like you to take over getting the rest of the money, he may feel uncomfortable asking the deadbeat to pay. My ex never liked to do that. Tell him you're with him on the invention and it'll be wonderful but he's going to need funds to keep going so he needs to apply for unemployment. If your state allows you to do it online, do it for him! Log onto AA and find a meeting near you for families of drinkers--he may not be that far gone but they can help you deal with it and the depression and be a wonderful support group.
This is how a lot of men deal with the loss of a job, which is akin to losing their manhood. They withdraw and deny.
You come here and vent all you want, whenever you need to. Your friends are hear to listen!
5 people like this
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
22 Feb 09
Having a husband who strives on WORK (yes, with capital letters!), I don't know what to think about a man who doesn't have the initiative to get out and find a job when his house and life depends on his work. My husband is 67 and still working. He retired at 55, stayed home 6 years and decided to start back. He then bought the truck he was driving and went into his own business. That went down the drain abougt 1 1/2 years ago when gas got bad and people decided they wouldn't hire lease drivers. So, the truck sits in our yard unable to be sold because of the economy. I pray every day that GOD will send a buyer, and I think he will. Anyway, right now, it's been VERY slow in the trucking business, but, when they call he's there at 6:30 in the morning and works until they quit, from 2:30 on which is sometimes around 6PM. He was brought up on a farm where the first thing in the morning was chores and then school, and afterwards more chores. So he knows what real work really is. He is still busy around here even if he isn't working on a job.
I guess had my husband done like yours is doing, I'd have thought he lost his mind! And I'd probably have already knocked him looney! And if he went to drinking, I'd kick his tail out! Thank the Lord he doesn't drink, so we don't have to worry about that or smoking. Those are two bad, expensive habits that people need to drop, especially because of the money it takes from the household. Your finances are bad enough without adding money that shouldn't be spent to the expenses. We are doing everything we can to ease the pain. I just looked at my gas tank this morning when I left church. I told my husband I had to get gas soon before I wound up some place without any! I'm down to 1/4 tank and we never let it get that low since we live 10-15 miles from the nearest gas station.
@Chevee (5905)
• United States
22 Feb 09
I am so sorry to hear all this is going on with you. You have my deepest sympathy.
You have hit the nail right on the head about all the predictions, I am just going to highlight a few.
Yes he need some kind of counseling. He is in denial. An invention com'on now where does he think that is going to get him. Not even a pat on the back.
As for filing his unemployment insurance, he should swallow his pride and except the money doesn't he know that is only the money he put in and getting it back. Furthermore they don't give you all of it. (Just my opinion).
He had a good job once and making good money so I assume he has a good education and can get a good job with the training that he has. I don't think he should give up that easy. Nothing is going to fall in hands. (Am I the one to talk).
We all get depressed at times. But you have to wake up and smell the coffee. I am speaking of myself now. When things first happens or go wrong we can't take it but as time goes buy and it really sinks in it is time to start trying to change things and make things work out for the best.
Don't you give up. Things might get you down but don't get so low that you can not come back up. I know you are sick and disable but keep on fighting for your disability case. You got to do it he is not supporting you so you are on your own.
I pray that it doesn't get so bad that you will have to be head of the family.
The other house I wouldn't sell it. I would keep it incase I did have to move in it. If it comes to that I am sure you will find a way.
This is the real reason am bitter at society. People that haven't been in our situation can say things like leave the ______ alone or these others that are beating the system.
If you need someone to talk to I am here.
4 people like this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Wow!! I would be Freaking out as well if it was me. This is a little strange for sure, and if I was your husband I would be bugging them all of the time for the Balance owed, or be making a complaint against them, and at the same time be actively searching for something to tide over my Income in the meantime for sure. I really do feel for you, and will be Praying for something to come your way as well. Wishing you the Best.
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
23 Feb 09
you are really in a bad way, it sounds like your husband is in a depression, and he does need help but won't go as you say, If wish I knew what to tell you, is there any way you can speak to a free community counsellor?
2 people like this
@deedles88 (297)
• Australia
23 Feb 09
I dont think there is anything wrong with this man. He has worked hard for 10 years and he is taking time for himself, yes it might not be the right time.
Being in a relationship is a 50/50 thing. So imagine the pressure and stress your husbane went through when you had to buy YOUR dream house, and you dont work/contribute and he has to take care of you. Im not putting the blame on you, but to me this story seems selfish. Yes you are disabled and unable to work, but that doesnt mean his is crazy for not working to support you both, and I cant believe you considered leaving him but wont because you cant look after yourself, not because you love him.
I say, let him take his time and maybe think bout selling that other house.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Maybe I worded that wrong in my discussion, but when we bought this house, my husband also loved it and wanted to buy it. He did NOT buy it for me, he bought it for US. Also, I put $100,000.00 of my own money down on this house so the mortgage wouldn't be too high.
I have stood behind him in every way possible. I've helped him as much as I possibly could. I've never screamed, yelled or argued. If anything, I put up with too much.
I have "lent" him all the money I have (which he promised to pay back but hasn't).
I would LOVE to sell that other house but houses are not selling right now. Even if I could, that would just be money going to my husband. In the 4 years we've been together, I've given him $160,000.00. He's paid me back only $60,000.00 of that. I don't nag him or constantly ask him when he's going to pay me back. If I never get it back, that's fine. The thing is, I have no more money left.
You'd think that in 4 years a lot of people would live nicely on $160,000.00, wouldn't you? Well, he also sold his house and made a profit of $200,000.00. Of that, I received $60,000.00. He gave his sister a lot of money (I don't know how much) and bought himself a lot of very expensive 'toys'. He never paid off his truck.
When I got money, I bought that other house and I paid off my car. The rest I gave to him. I've done more for him than most wives do for their husbands. When he has extra money, he spends it on stupid things, never putting any away for a 'rainy day'.
If anything, I've put way more into this marriage than he has. He made a promise to me before we were married that he would always take care of me. Broken promises hurt!
I've given and given and given. Now that I have no more to give, I'm being the bad guy??? We can live very nicely on his salary. He makes very good money when he's working. He needs to start taking care of ME instead of me taking care of him, which is what I've been doing for the past 4 years (since we met).
He needs to keep his promise. I don't lay blame on anyone. We have a problem that needs to be resolved. I've been doing everything I can to get this problem resolved, while he has his head buried in the sand.
Maybe I didn't express just how LITTLE I've gotten from him. Yes, marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Actually, I believe it's more of a 100/100 thing. I am severely disabled, yet I've actually put more money into this relationship than he has. I take care of the house. I take care of cutting the grass outside and even shoveling the snow from our sidewalk! It hurts me terribly to do these things because of my conditions, but I've never asked him to do it except for one time... shoveling the sidewalk (only about 20 feet).
It could be that I've given too much and, now that I have no more to give, he's pouting. I don't know.
He DID agree last night to apply for unemployment insurance. He also said he'd look for a job. I hope it's not another broken promise.
Right now, I'm making more money than he is and he's NOT disabled... not at all.
What more do you think I should be doing for a man who is doing nothing?
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
23 Feb 09
We all need to vent sometimes mentalward and boy do you have an excuse - if indeed one were needed! I do understand how you feel, I cannot work or have much independence in any way due to my disability and I HATE not being able to go out to work and contribute to the family - that in itself would be enough to frustrate anyone to the nth degree. My other half is losing his job in May but we are lucky in that he is getting quite a good redundancy package and although they informed the staff they would be losing their jobs right before Christmas at least we had some warning and it is much better than the worry that has been around the company for the last few years.
I so understand how your husbands attitude and drinking must be making you crazy but I have to agree with others - it sounds as though his self esteem has sunk below his boots and his confidence is non existent. If there is anyway you possibly can arrange it you need to get him medical help as soon as possible - I find it very hard to believe that e is sitting around drinking, working on his invention and not even filing for unemployment and is mentally well. It does sound like a bad depression and/or breakdown is grinding him down and he needs help urgently. He needs to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and right now there isn't even a glimmer of it for him.
Is there any way you could try claiming state benefits for the family? If I were you I would get in touch with the mortgage company , bank etc and explain what has happened and see if you can get some arrangements in place so that things don't get completely out of hand? On top of that you need to consider your own mental (as well as physical health) please try to ensure that you don't let things boil over the top for you, be kind to yourself and know that there are many out here sending you positive energy and many prayers. i so wish there was more I could do - please let us know ow things are going. xxx
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Hey mentalward~ I had no idea that it had gotten this bad! I
feel so badly for yoy to be in this predicament and with no
one to turn to for help! Your husband is being an azzhole to
say the least! He needs to sign up for unemployment for which
is is entitled! Too bad if he is too proud! He deserves that
for working and being laid off! He needs to get off his azz
and at least do that much! And he needs to face reality! He
needs to start looking for a job! They aren't going to knock
on the door and look for him! I know how hard it is, believe
me I've been there, done that myself! You have a "morning
period" and that time is up! He needs to do something that
is constructive and the first thing he should have done was
to file for unemployment! The longer you wait, the more questions
the ask and the harder it will be to file! I think you know that
is the first thing that should be done and it should be done
immediately! I am assuming that no one can get through to him,
including you children! Damn, I really don't know what else to
tell you! You have to do something drastic! You have to wake
him the phuck up! Living in an acohol fog will only work for
so long! I should know! If it takes a 2 x 4 maybe that will have
to be the way to go!
2 people like this
@bamakelly (5191)
• United States
22 Feb 09
I can definitely see your frustration here. After all your husband had a great job and you had been living what one might call the "American Dream".
It sounds like you are having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of him losing that good job.
He probably just doesn't know what to do with himself so he could probably be handling his own frustrations with the ventures he has taken on such as side jobs and as crazy as you think it seems this "flying machine" idea.
I think that the thing that probably makes you the most crazy is the fact that you had everything going so good for a long time and all of a sudden it stopped. I can kind of relate to you there. Sounds like your husband is not showing much concern for you and your concerns about things getting done and what not.
The idea for a marriage to go right is for their to be communication between the couple especially through hard times.
You are talking to a woman that has been married twice. I am still with my second husband however I get irritated if I feel like I am left to wonder about important issues. You feel like you are left in the dark and get tired of hearing yourself as the same questions of your husband over and over again!
I know how it feels to be scared. I am a little scared myself right now. I have a five year old son and I hope his future will be okay.
It can happen to any one of us. Losing jobs and bills getting behind. Is there any way that maybe welfare could help you? It is just a thought. Maybe food stamps just to get you by. The condition you are in should render some help from the government in which you say you are in a never ending battle with.
The fact that your husband won't try for unemployment is making me wonder. I really wish you luck here. I hope maybe you can find some friends or family that could be willing to help you.
4 people like this
@coffeegurl (1467)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Holy Hell! Is there any family you can move in with. He sounds like a lost cause. Why do we as women put up with men anyway? I mean, they really live, as my Mom says, "like Bears with furniture." What would they do without us? Yet, they can be so stubborn and secretive. They get all the good jobs like engineering, because let's face it, men are better at math and analytical thinking. How many females are engineers? Not many. Two of my best friends recently married engineers. I am secretly jealous of this. Not because their husbands are attractive or even Hot, but because they have lucrative professions. I am much more attractive than my friends, yet they were able to "Marry well." A skill that isn't that hard. Interestingly, both friends never went to college and both friends had babies accidentally. Totally unplanned. It's like, "Wow, you have a uterus, congratulations! Here's a medal!" Now they're stay at home mom's. How freakin' exciting is that? Anyway, that's a shame about the social security not accepting you. It doesn't seem right. You know you can file for unemployment online. It's really easy. And I suggest you apply for food stamps and unemployment. If you live in the state of California you can divorce him and make bank. California is the best place to divorce. You can come out well off. Is the house in both of your names? Why not get a divorce and split the house? I tell u what, if he hates paper work so much that he doesn't want to apply for unemployment, threaten divorce, he will really hate that. He sounds like he doesn't want to talk at all. No social skills. You'd be better off with a divorce.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Let's try to look at the situation piece by piece. Maybe we can find a way to help.
Okay, your hubby lost is job, you know he is obviously in a state of depression. That is indicated quite well by his lack of looking for work and drinking right now. Chances are that he is feeling guilty and blaming himself for the entire situation up to and including losing his job. He hasn't found the way to pull out of the hole he is in.
Needless to say, that doesn't help the overall situation at all. Unfortunately, if he won't talk to you about it so the two of you together can find an answer, it is up to you.
You mentioned that you are still battling for Social Security. Have you by chance talked to an attorney? Some times, an attirney will help you get Social Security and not charge you anything unless you win. These attorneys will take their fees out of what you get. When you are approved for Social Security, they will have to back-date it from the date of your first application, and they have to give the back-benefits to you in a one-lump sum.
Have you considered trying to file unemployment on his behalf? It may be worth checkng into. Maybe, if you just fill out the paper-work, and get him to sign it, he would be more willing to do it. It may not work, but it is just a thought.
Are there any organizations in your area that you could go to for help? Unfortunately, you may have to rely on government assistance to help you get through this crisis. If yo are like me, you hate having to ask for help, but sometimes, you have no other option. Check with your local churches, and any organization that may be able to help.
You mention that you have another house. Do you rent it out? That may be one way to bring in a bit of money right now too. Renting it out rather than trying to sell it would be more likely to get income into your home now.
As far as things getting done around your house, if he won't help, you may have to call a friend or familt member and ask them to give you a hand. It is hard to ask for help when you feel that he is perfectly capable of helping out, but it may be necessary.
To help him begin to pull out of his depression, be kind. When you talk to him about htings, make sure he knows that you do not blame him for the way things are right now, you just want for the both of you to work ogether to find a solution.
It may help for you to talk to a doctor about his state of mind. The doctor may have a way to help too, even without seeing him in the office.
Is there any type of work that you can do? Can you babysit? Can you help people run errands? Can you type papers for college kids? I guess what I am asking is what are the things that you feel you could do? There may be a way that you haven't thought of th could help you make money too.
I am sure you will get through this situation. It isn't going to be easy at all, and you are going to have to be the rock inyour marriage right now. I think that you have more inners trength than you realize, and you are about to harness it and put it to great uses.
I really hope that this helps you in one way or another.
2 people like this
@getnbuy (1312)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Well, first of all, don't take him to a mental ward! People only improve in therapy if they want to.Have you asked him if he would go with you to therapy? He might. The problem seems to me to be the dire straights he is in, not his mental state. Cure one, you cure the other. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do. Did he have a contract with the guy he did the job for? If so, hire a lawyer and get his full pay.Take him to the employment office (or send him) and have him take whatever job he can find. Explain to him that when the economy gets better he can go back to his expertise, but right now you guys just need to survive. This will probably be hard for him, because the male ego defines itself by what it does for a living. But, he needs to suck it up and do whatever he can to save you.He will feel better emotionally if he can put bread on the table.
You need to get more help around the house. do you belong to a Church group? Churches often provide help for those who really need it. If you don't belong to one, go to the nearest community church, tell the pastor your situation, and also attend the Church with your husband. That will help them to see that you are sincere and it may even help you and your husband to feel better.
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
23 Feb 09
I am sorry for the goings on in your family, but as a christian myself, am happy to hear you dont intend to leave him, divorce doesnt solve any marrital problem, dialogue does, try to get at the roots of this problem through the weapon of communication!
1 person likes this
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
23 Feb 09
Wow! I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I know that things are not easy for you and your hubby at the moment but I hope that you will have more patience with him. I mean it is not easy to find a good job these days. He must be as frustrated as you are too so before you worry yourself sick, take a big breathe a slowdown a little. You will think more clearly if you are not so stressed out.
1 person likes this
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
26 Feb 09
Oh dear! That sounds awful. I didn't know things are that bad. I understand your concerns. The cost of living nowadays is quite high and with some mortgage payments due each month, it is never easy to balance our finances. Maybe you should ask someone else talk you your husband about your concerns. Sometimes, people listen better to other people. I hope things will get better for you soon.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
23 Feb 09
I've been patient for 2 months now. I've supported him the whole time. I've done nothing but show him support.
I know it's not easy to find a good job, but he has not even been looking for one. He had convinced himself that he could make his own business a huge success but he can't even collect money owed to him. He doesn't want to be a 'bother' to the man who owes him money. He also will not allow me to collect the money owed.
He told me he had work coming in on the first of February. It never came. He said it would come the following week. It never came. We're now in the 4th week of February and there's still no work. He said work will be coming in this week.
Just how long do I have to be patient? Until the foreclosure notice gets tacked to our front door? Until the electricity is turned off? Until there's no more money for food or the medications I NEED?
He's had plenty of time to get himself together. I've lost jobs, back when I could work, but I NEVER stopped looking for another job. We each have responsibilities. My husband promised to take care of me. He earns more than enough to do that when he's working.
I actually do way more around this house than he does. Lately, I've even been doing HIS chores like taking the trash out while he plays Solitaire on his computer or works on his invention that, even if it will work, will be years before we see any money from it.
I'm doing WAY more than he is. I haven't complained much at all, just that I hurt really badly after I've done too much physically. He's not working and he's not helping around the house. Is that fair to me?
2 people like this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
24 Feb 09
Aite, i dont know you, and im not judging.
But seriously, i ready what sparky--- whatever the numbers were and in a sense, i have to agree (slightly).
He put it rather rude i will admit.
But on the whole, both sides of it was at least stated. So you maybe hang here alot, i dont know that. Right - For a start, to b*tch about your husband (it doesnt matter if i say its constructive criticism because you'll just say im b*tching anyway).
Yes your husband should get off his damn a** and start looking for a job. Its extremely wrong of him to follow just one dream. I mean, many authors have, or had, jobs while they wrote. If there has been nothing at 15 years then he is stupid to continue while there is no money income.
Now, if i say something about you, its going to be long, and sorry it is but you wrote mainly about how you felt etc rather then him, so ya know...
You are so wrong. Shouldnt you care about whats going on in HIS head rather then the damn house? So... its your dream house, but when you married this man weren't the vow's for better and for worse? Are materialistic things really that important to you!???
If he is Depressed. IF. Then he can't help his behavior can he? Depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals. (Trust me, i know). So i'm young, but my past few years ive been sitting here depressing my a** off. I've now got a doctors appointment because im sick of it. I can't wait to finally at least control it rather then suffer it. I always feel like noone gets me, and i took alot of time out of school at one point because i was just too unhappy to do anything. Ontop of that, he is stressed. As soon as you start talking to him about certain things such as the money problems etc. He is gunna FLIP. I think i would too under that kind-of pressure.
Okay.
MY ADVICE:
(Please dont take any offense to what i've said above, i've only tried to say it in all honesty rather then have a go. And at the end of the day, this is all "I" can see from what you've wrote).
If you've already done what im going to try and suggest then at least you tried, and you're probably better off telling him you cant go on like that and you feel as though you're going to have to end it if it continues.
MOVING ON- Right, Get him cornered, as such, but not too cornered (make sense?) Like, try and discuss it maybe at the dinner table when hes eating, atleast that way hes still- eating haha. I know talking gently and kind to people doesnt always work, but it HELPS (just a lil). Don't, and whatever you do, don't get angry at him. As soon as one of you's freak out, its like a chain. ASK him to talk to you, literally, tell him you need to discuss these things because it feels as though your relationship is going down hill. Tell him that your frightened. Tell him your fears, but for jesus's sake, if your fears are just losing the house, then atleast lie and tell him you fear that he may be depressed / that its going to end. Explain to him it MAY end because of the stress this is putting on the relationship. People can only take SO MUCH before it becomes too much for them. As Selye's General Adaptation Syndrome theory explains.
When stressed, people go through 3 reactions.
1. The Alarm Reaction.
2. The Resistance Stage. --- And
3. Exhaustion.
And for god's sake! YOU said YOU have depression, hence YOU know what it feels like to, well, feel like that. So UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT rather then telling him to just get on with it. (Not saying you DO tell him that, just stating). Even ask him to go to the doctors and atleast look for temporary help will do. Tell him things CAN get better, he just needs to go that extra mile.
Sorry for the /rant. This is just MY opinion. And i swear to god, if anyone flames me, then seriously get a life. I've stated what i wanted to, and i've said i mean NO OFFENSE by it. If you take offense and decide to b*tch back then please... grow up.
Also, SORRY if you think its offensive. Like i said, im stating from what shes wrote. I can only go by what i hear.
Thanks. And if you decide not to comment back, good luck with sorting things out.
-Peace
1 person likes this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
24 Feb 09
*And another thing, you are so wrong to rely on him just because you're disabled. You made it sound like he was your carer that wasn't being paid or something. Seriously, i hope you thank him for all he DOES do for you (when he did) because that sort of strain and ungratefulness can mess up a relationship too.
Sorry for the extra bit of /rant 
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
24 Feb 09
Haha listen up, i'd only heard one side, now i've heard your side, he sounds like a bit of an a**. I can clearly now see you have done ALL you can and that its his problem really. (And i guess your problem because hes forcing it on you as a pose to doing something about his life).
Obviously now you're saying hes got off his a** etc. But ^ that woulda been put in the last two comments if i'd have known what i knew NOW.
I did also b*tch about him, so don't make it sound like i was extremely biased. Like i said, i was going by what YOU said.
Sorry i obviously caused offense to you. However the comment "What should I do? You seem to have all the answers. Tell me, please, what should I do?" seemed rather sarcastic and was unnecessary.
In all honesty, if i did cause you so much offense, then i'm genuinely sorry. I was merely going by what i had read from your post.
I did not acknowledge what i wrote as b*tching by the way, i merely said, some people are going to read it that way. Seeing as i cannot say the same things to your husband, obviously only you can read what im saying, hence i was saying whatever i did to you.
I'm glad you have worked things out though. And like i said, im sorry for any offense caused. I did state several times i didnt mean it. (And i never say that ;]). Also, i understand you clearly wanted to hit back at me, as you did say a few things in your post i would have taken offense to.
Sometimes, when im not in the right mood, i put things rather harsh. I'm not one to go completely off the handle, and i can see i went a little too far, but sometimes i do not know how to phrase something easier either.
Anyway.
No hard feelings ;]?
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
23 Feb 09
oh my goodness!
i so wanted to let you know how i sympathise with you mentalward. i have done a lot of ranting and asking advice and wanting strength from all here myself. then i read all these things said and realised you have so many wonderful friends here that i have nothing to say that will help that hasnt already been said. i see also that you figured how to get things straight with your man by yourself. which says so much about your loving character and understanding. i've been where your at with an ex of mine. sorry to say i didnt know how to bring him out of it and thats why he became an ex my prayers are with you. also, i got up this morning feeling like i had it so bad here living with agra. i was depressed because i have no hubby any more. then i read your delema and thought to myself i shouldnt be depressed look at what this woman is going through. and i really feel bad that other person has been so mean on here (sparky)but looks like you made him ashamed of himself.
with your niceness and diplomacy
i so wanted to let you know how i sympathise with you mentalward. i have done a lot of ranting and asking advice and wanting strength from all here myself. then i read all these things said and realised you have so many wonderful friends here that i have nothing to say that will help that hasnt already been said. i see also that you figured how to get things straight with your man by yourself. which says so much about your loving character and understanding. i've been where your at with an ex of mine. sorry to say i didnt know how to bring him out of it and thats why he became an ex my prayers are with you. also, i got up this morning feeling like i had it so bad here living with agra. i was depressed because i have no hubby any more. then i read your delema and thought to myself i shouldnt be depressed look at what this woman is going through. and i really feel bad that other person has been so mean on here (sparky)but looks like you made him ashamed of himself. with your niceness and diplomacy
@cvrajan (354)
• India
23 Feb 09
Painful to read the whole issue.
As a man, I would say this:
(1) Did you put him under undue financial strain or pressure or emotional blackmail in committing him for "your dream house?"
(2) Did the strain in your relationship started even before he lost his job? Think patiently.
(3) Instead of verbally torturing him on what he is and what he is not and accusing him for all his failings right from the past to the present, can you leave him in peace for a while (say a week or so) alone (by some means like shifting yourself to stay with your parents for that while) and give him time to ponder over? Can you do it with diplomacy, expressing good will that this brief separation will help both of you to ponder over both of your past omissions and commissions and make suitable amends when you meet again?
1 person likes this
