I just don't know what to do.
By Super_Mommy
@Super_Mommy (119)
United States
February 27, 2009 6:08pm CST
So recently my step-daughter came back to live with my husband and I. Long story short, she was getting into things she should have never been around and her mom couldn't deal with it anymore. So we pretty much had no choice but to take her back. Now I love the girl to death. But she is nothing but trouble. When she was living with her mom she was sneaking out, failing school when she'd go, getting drunker than drunk, and doing a lot of different type of drugs. Not to mention, the girl is only 15! Not to mention, we just had a baby. And my husband and I refuse to have her turn out like her sisters. We have made it clear she will not be raised around arguing and not in a stressful environment. We have set rules and decided that if she wants to act like an adult she will be doing adult stuff. Helping with bills, and a lot more stuff. I'm scared that things are going ok now, had a few problems within the first 48 hours of her being home but I'm scared things will get worse with time. I know they will. I don't want my daughter raised around this and neither does my husband. Also, it kind of messed with our relationship last time she was with us...and I'm worried about that too. Not only that, but we can't trust her. Our baby was sleeping in her crib but now she sleeps with us again because I'm too scared to let her sleep in her room with her sister here. Isn't that pathetic? Also, our baby is never left unsupervised with her in a room. It's not that I think she would purposely hurt her baby sister but sometimes when she gets angry she doesn't think before she does...and I'm terrified that she will get angry and hurt her. Not realizing it of course, but still. I didn't want to live my life like this. It's so stressful and I hate being scared for my babys safety all the time. In my heart I know where doing the right thing to help her get better and try to get her straightened out...but then again I think, she was just as bad last time she lived with us. So what does everyone think about this? Have any opinions? Advice on how to make me feel better? Advice on anything? Any advice or comments will be appreciated.
2 people like this
6 responses
@yolak69 (55)
• Philippines
28 Feb 09
How old is she? Probably entering adulthood with the scenario you brought up. Well, as they say, if you can't beat them, join them. Talk to her, letting her feel alone will just let her be more of the rebellious type than what she is now. Go out with her. Think what would you do if she is your real daughter. Goodluck!
@Super_Mommy (119)
• United States
28 Feb 09
She is 15. Maybe I should have mentioned she was before this before she left and we couldn't handle her which is why she was sent to her mothers.
We've tried so many things.
She has more freedom than she deserves right now and she still does stupid stuff!
I'm only doing this for my husband but I just wish she would straighten up.
@yolak69 (55)
• Philippines
28 Feb 09
15, a pretty dangerous level indeed. This is when we question things and try everthing out. And if we can't get support from our family, then we will end up blaming them for what we are. She is using the situation as her escape-goat. An iron-fist may not be the best way to handle this kind of kid. Go out in a vacation with your whole family and relax a bit. Then talk.
@dmrone (746)
• United States
28 Feb 09
I can understand you wanting to help your step daughter, but they have to accept the help and want to help themselves. I think it is great what you and your husband are doing. If your step daughter can earn it give her a little trust. Stick to your rules and let her know that no matter what the rules are the rules and they must be followed. Maybe she will come out of this a better person and daughter.
@Super_Mommy (119)
• United States
28 Feb 09
We try to stick by the rules but no matter what she won't follow them.
She's broken the rules once within the first 48 hours of being here.
The rule that no one is allowed over here until her dad gets home and what do you know, I'm outside and a car pulls up and she runs out.
I told her she had 1 min to tell them to leave and get back in the house.
She did.
But I told her that the rules aren't that hard to follow them. Her doing stuff like that is whats going to get everything taken away. Honestly she doesn't care about anything!
She doesn't care what ppl think of her whats going to happen to her if she fails school or how we feel.
It's so frustrating.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
28 Feb 09
It sounds like this girl needs therapy. It seems there are definite reasons for why she's doing what she's doing. It seems like she's acting out for a lot of attention. Putting her in therapy will help find the root of problems and can help with the anger problem and her acting before she thinks. Also, getting her into a good after school program or something where she can be around good kids, doing fun things may help.
If those don't seem like viable options, she may be a canidate for a tough love program going into a jail or something and being scared straight about what can happen if you get involved in the wrong things.
@Super_Mommy (119)
• United States
28 Feb 09
She is definetly an attention getter. She's a pathological liar and loves to be...bad. We're getting her in therepy but we have to take her to and from school to make sure she doesn't skip. Just she doesn't try in school because she doesn't care. About anything!
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
28 Feb 09
The way you make it seem, I think it would be better if you could get this girl to go to see a psychiatrist. It sounds as if she has anger issues that she needs worked out and the best thing for her to to do is to have someone that she can talk to. If you can't afford a therapist call the school that the girl goes to and ask if the counselor(s) there can talk to her and get her to open up. Is she a quiet person? If so she may be holding something in. If your husband and the mother of this 15 year old was ever married, maybe the girl is having a hard time getting over that, and hasn't had anyone to talk to. At home try to talk to her yourself, don't approach her and make her talk, but let her know that if she needs to talk to you or your husband all she needs to do is ask. Talk to her mother as well and see if her mother can talk to her too.
I hope that she will get the help that she needs, no one should live in fear, and no one should live scared either!
Have a wonderful day!
@Super_Mommy (119)
• United States
28 Feb 09
She is going to see one. But she's not living in fear or scared. She's living a life that she just doesn't care about herself or others. Honestly, if she was to die I don't think she'd care. Her parents were married about 12 years ago. She was young when they divorced. Every girlfriend her dad had she broke them up. (Thats how bad she is) She didn't like me because I stuck by his side and stood up to her. Her mother has always lied to her about everything and never really cared about her or her sister. They are both pathological liars and I think that has a lot to do with it, being lied to their whole life. She loves the way she's living and thinks it's ok. We're hoping she will open up but then again she makes things up left and right. She told my SIL yesterday that she was kicked out of the state she was living in by the courts. That's a big problem too. :(
It's going to be a long 2 and a half years and I'm trying. But this always affects our relationship and now we have a 6 week old daughter and I don't want her to be like that!
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
1 Mar 09
If she is having that many problems, she really does need help, and probably more than you can give her on your own. I would first, talk to the school and try to find out who she hangs around with at school, and what her teachers may have to say about it all.They may have some useful ideas too. Then, I would make an appointment with the doctor and do whatever you have to do to make sure she goes to that appointment. Talk to the doctor about what is going on and see what he thinks. It could be depression that is contributing, it could be her hormones, it could be several different things. The doctor can help you work out a treatment plan to really help her. Chances are, he will suggest rehab, medication, and therapy.
If you don't do whatever it takes to help her, no matter how much she fights it, things will only get worse from here. I know that you fear for your baby's safety, and I don't blame you at all. While you are trying to help her, continue to protect your baby as you are. Also, use as much positive reinforcementas you can with her and try not to focus on the negative so much when you talk to her.
You have a hard road ahead fo you, but please do nt give up, the rewards will be great for all of you in the end.
@forslahiri (1042)
• India
28 Feb 09
Hi,
It's Critical...almost like dealing with a 2 way sword!
My suggestion:-
1)U & Ur hubby should sit down and decide Ur Action Plan on Ur stepdaughter.Step by step,judging pros & cons for Ur family.Do's & dont's List.this Far & no Further...
2)Very Practical Lists of actions & followups.Remember,U & Ur Husband both should be FLEXIBLE(No Ego).To manage/rude/polite/tactical etc--keeping Longterm Perspective & 'Family Welfare' at the TOP OF MIND agenda.
I Hope,this will WORK!
=Lahiri,Kolkata,India.
