Things just keep getting worse and worse and worse and...
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
March 5, 2009 11:52am CST
I've been hoping, praying, researching, working, etc. just to have something good happen in my life right now, but they just keep getting worse. Each time I hope for good news, I get more bad news. Each time I pray for good news, I get more bad news.
It's piling up so high now that I can't even see the top anymore. I'm so very tired of all this BS in my life... I didn't ask for any of this. I've been good, honest and hard-working my entire life, even now, with all my physical symptoms, I still have a hard time giving in to the pain, and push myself.
But, I'm not rewarded, nope, not me... I'm just kicked in the face again, and again, and again... I'm tired of it. I've had it; reached my limit. I'm not fighting anymore. I've decided to just plop down somewhere and go with the flow, not caring where it takes me.
Have you ever been so depressed you can't see beyond it? I see no future for me other than more and more pain and, of course, the accompanying depression that always comes along for the ride.
Still not a word about my disability case, even though new physical problems seem to be added to the list daily. I'm beginning to think that Social Security has purposely selected me and my case to NOT approve. From what I've noticed (so many people on disability that can obviously get around better than I can) disability determination is not based on physical or mental problems, it's based on your turn in line... "Okay, we've approved that one so let's disapprove this one, regardless of her inability to work."
Sorry, I don't think I'll be around myLot for awhile. I need to sleep. I need time to digest my latest bad news and see if I can work around it like I've had to work around things like this my entire life.
It gets to the point where you want to say, "Why bother?" Have you ever been where I am now and gotten over it? I mean, even when nothing good happens to help pull you out of the depression?
Oh, I actually YELLED at my husband last night because he got VERY drunk (again), to the point of staggering, then wanted to go buy more beer! I said no nicely but he wouldn't listen. My son said no, he wouldn't drive him to the store for more beer, nicely, but my husband wouldn't listen. So, I actually screamed it... "NO! You are NOT going to get more beer!"
That was a first for me and it didn't help my depression issues!
Please don't tell me to put my faith in the lord because I've done that over and over and EACH TIME was slammed with even more more serious problems. If this is a test, I'd sure love to know why because I've always tried to be good and kind and loving and considerate. No, please, if that's your answer, please don't answer. I lost my faith. You can't make someone get faith back, it has to happen on it's own.
8 people like this
11 responses
@Chevee (5905)
• United States
5 Mar 09
I am not going to lay the religion act on you. But I am going to ask you not to give up I know it is easily said than done. Each time you step forward you are pushed two steps back. As long as you have breath in your body you have a change, a fighting change. You have to have the strength find it from somewhere. Your husband doesn't have it. Think about the good things in life, I know that might be the wrong thing to say at this time, but you have a roof over your head, take that one day at a time, you have food to eat, you have your son, you do have medical assistance, the list goes on and on.
I just got through reading the local newspaper and a family is asking for help to bury their daughter that was murdered on the 14th of February she was only 19 years old , they just caught the killer he was her boyfriend he cut her throat. She has an 11 month old baby, now the grandmother has to raise her.
Let me hear from you don't close the door on me now. I just found you as a friend and I am not going to give up hope on you that fast.
I know there is a brighter day ahead for you.
2 people like this
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
5 Mar 09
You're absolutely right "You can't make someone get faith back, it has to happen on it's own." Now I know there will be people out there that will say you're feeling sorry for yourself and some may even say you're sitting on the pitty potty. WELL NOT ME. I am a born and raised Canadian and there's not to many woman that have worked as hard as I have in my life time and it started at a very young age for me, with my family having always been so poor. When I became disabled in 1999 I applied for my Canadian Pension disability and after a tribunal and three times taking it before a judge I was told I was too intelligent that I could get a desk job. Well for starters I can sit, stand and walk, BUT what no one realizes is I can only sit, stand and walk for no more than one minute or less at a time, especially walking and standing. So do I know what you're talking about OH YES LOUD AND CLEAR. I know there's nothing I can say or do to help because I was there and done that at some point in my life and you're right, "You can't make someone get faith back, it has to happen on it's own."
I just want you to know I am here for you and I hope you can pull yourself together soon. Sounds like hubby needs a kick in the @55. Take care. Love Ya.
2 people like this
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Well, everyone goes through a crappy time some time.
Mine came and went. Though there are some residual effects from it, I am still coping.
One best way to deal with a down period is to live one day at a time. Take one step at a time. And look no further than the next step.
Just like when you are on a marathon, running on a long straight stretch of road.
If you keep looking ahead at the far end of the road, it will look like you are never gonna reach it no matter how hard or fast you run.
BUT... BUT if you look at the next step and only the next step in front of you, you will notice that you are making good ground at the pace you are going.
For now, just look a head one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute as it comes. And not to think too much about things if possible. When the problem comes, then think of a solution. Don't anticipate problems. Think of solutions only when you are faced with it.
Hope it helps. Cos that was how I got thru my crappy days when I was jobless, no income and expenses piling up while I seek an active job. And I got past it. I am so thankful those days are over. And I am sure you will look back one day and feel the same way I am feeling now! 
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
13 Mar 09
You are so very right, ahgong! I got too caught up in all the negative stuff. Not that there was anything positive coming my way, but I was looking way down that long stretch of road and couldn't see me ever reaching the end. You put it very eloquently, I have to say, and THANK YOU!!!
You reminded me of a long walk I took many years ago. I needed to walk and clear my head. Before I knew it, I was about 5 or 6 miles away from home! No public transporation or anything went by that route, so I had to walk all the way back. I didn't think I'd make it but I started thinking "one more step and I'll be that much closer to home." I made it.
One step at a time. The tiniest thing has helped me the most... tending to my little vegetable seedlings that needed to be started indoors because our growing season is not long enough for them. They're poking their little heads up through the soil all over the place now. I have to make sure they're properly watered, at the right height from the lamps, proper amount of light, etc.
My husband MAY have a new job next week, as well. He's had a telephone interview which went well, then an actual physical interview was scheduled for next week, to go over details of the job and to meet his potential co-workers. It's MUCH closer than his old job, too. Oh, and the pay is better... not by much, but around $10,000.00 a year more. I'M handling the finances from this point on. I'm going to insist on it. I've always been good with money, he's never been good with it.
Thanks again, ahgong. You're truly a special person.
1 person likes this
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
16 Mar 09
See? When you start to see only the next step, things are not so daunting afterall.
It is good to hear that your husband is getting a job. I wish him all the best in securing it!
$10,000 a year is a big jump!
That works out to about $850 a month!
I would never even dream of a pay jump of that scale! 
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
5 Mar 09
Oh, MW! 
Giving you a (((((HUGE HUG))))) here right now. I hope you can feel it. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Tell me what the latest bad news is now. I'm here to listen and try to help, ok?
Giving you a (((((HUGE HUG))))) here right now. I hope you can feel it. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Tell me what the latest bad news is now. I'm here to listen and try to help, ok?1 person likes this
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
5 Mar 09
*hugs* you know im here when ever you need me.. it does seem like things just keep getting worse and worse.. i like you before we both got health issues worked a lot and was very active but now its like i cant ignore it anymore and it drives me crazy!!
do what you need to do as far as mylot is concerned.. i have been having to take vacations from mylot just so i could get caught up on things and it seems like that didnt work and i made everything worse.. sigh..
and yeah i agree.. if they are gonna answer that way dont bother! the last thing you wanna hear is that!
1 person likes this
@myskysky (38)
• China
6 Mar 09
I believe your words:You can't make someone get faith back,it has to happen on it's own.So what i want to say is that bring your faith back again,please!Since things are like what you have seen,accept them and creat your own future.Indeed,your life is controlled in your hands.Your determination will choose the life for you.I'll pray for you.
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
5 Mar 09
I can see why you're sinking into depression and I know how you feel. I've had times that the troubles never stopped coming and they'd get worse and worse. Things eventually got better but it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you heard this? "When you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's probably a train racing to run you down!" I've felt like that a lot.
It does get better. It's just so tough to live through till it's over, but you can do it. Your friends are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. (I'll also include you in my prayers)
@veejay19 (3589)
• India
6 Mar 09
I am sorry mentalward, that you are going through bad times. I was in the same boat as you are, last year. In your country you have social security whether you get it or not is another question. In my country, India, there isn`t anything like that so we have to fend for ourselves. As you know i have muscular dystrophy and last year began badly as i got a tumour at the bottom of the spine which led to diabetes.I had to undergo an operation and fortunately it was benign. It took me 8 months to recover which put me under considerable monetary strain as medicines, dressing etc have become horribly expensive.Added to that the downslide in the global economy hit me hard as my shares went kaput and almost all my savings which were in mutual funds were badly hit. I am retired and not working and without any income or social security i was for the first time in my life scared. I also had to pay salaries of two men who help me out one in the day and one at night. I thought i was doomed as the portents for 2009 were even more worse. Then the miracle happened. Out of nowhere i made a couple of investments which boosted my income to a great extent. This was totaly unexpected and the doors are opening for even more good investmentss. Behind the dark clouds there is always a silver lining and this is not the first time that such a thing has happened to me.
When things looked grim suddenly out of nowhere help has come that is why i have not lost faith or gone into depression. I am not going to lecture you but keep a positive outlook and you will see that somthing will surely happen all of a sudden that will pull you out of the dumps. All the best to you , my dear and God bless you.
@suprabha_77777 (232)
• India
6 Mar 09
you have only answered for your question. faith is god. one day we will win. i have experienced bad situations but i never lost faith. sure one day we will win. i have faith in god. live your life without tension. forget those which trouble u a lot.
hope so everything will be ok
@Claireds (35)
• Philippines
6 Mar 09
I'm sorry about that. You sound really depressed. And the 'faith' thing you're talking about? It's just the depression talking. Don't worry i won't sermon you on that. Yeah you'd better take the time out and relax, and while you're at it listen to relaxing music like the classical or baroque ones. Yeah i know it's really old-fashioned but it really works on me well whenever I'm down. It gives me a peace of mind. Also, as much as possible, avoid negative thoughts. I know it's really hard to do that in your situation now, but it will really just make things worse If you keep on stressing yourself so much. You know the saying that 'Happy things happen when you're happy and sad things happen when you're sad'. That's true enough. Really. So do your best to get in the happy mood. You can do this by doing things that you enjoy the most, what makes you happy? Go out. Talk to your family and friends. Surround yourself with happy things and happy people. Don't let bad things get into you so much.
BTW, you might want to check out this audio file that i found a couple of weeks back. It never fails to help me not only to get out of stress and depression but also did a dramatic difference in my life in general. It's called neurovector brainwave synchronizer. You'll find it at www. neurovector.net. You know, I've been depressed a couple of weeks back and like you i got tired of it. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders, and i found this and ever since, I've been promoting it to anyone i know is having a hard time in life. Just thought it might help.
Goodluck and I wish you the best.
