just venting out

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It is a daily routine of me to go online. As I browse my list of contacts, I begin to realize that I just dont see anyone from the list who can be a listener. I dont blame them though, it is also typical of me to keep masking everything. Since I was a little girl people only choose to see the bubbly, loud, happy me. In fact, whenever I try to open up, I always end up cracking jokes. But then again, I get really happy when I make others laugh and smile, and I appreciate that my friends simply let me be. I know I am strong, and everyone else knows that side of me, too. Its just that no one else thinks that even the strong me would need help, too, that I would need someone who can listen, too. Despite all the pains I am going through, I am surprised with myself being able to fake laughs and smiles. For countless time now, I've tried killing myself. Even though some know that, no one takes me seriously. Yeah, that is how they see me, they dont think I'd opt for suicide. Im getting scared that I'm losing myself to these pains. I am not hurting myself, I dont feel like eating. As much as I love life, it pains me too much to be like this, I can believe that Im suffering too bad to want to die. I always felt like no one wants to listen to the dark, sad side of me. Imagine, I've always felt like this, since I was a kid. It is no wonder why at my age (turning 24), I feel like I am simply too tired to continue hoping for another reason to smile. I go to sleep with something else bothering me, and I wake up feeling like I didnt get enough rest, I sleep with the pains that are slowly killing me. And yes, I begin my days with my eyes still sore from the crying, even in my sleep. I try to get myself busy all the time, in fact I sometimes overwork myself that I only get to sleep as soon as I get home. When I was a kid, I told myself that whatever happens, I will never be the kind of person who'd never find time to wonder what life means. I thought I would always have a reason to love my life. It saddens me to realize now that I dont feel like I have enough purpose to continue a day. Whenever I am alone, I just wanna cut myself, I make myself bleed and get hurt physically, as while enduring the physical pains I forget my psychological pains. I am not the type who'd get into drugs, I used to be a smoker as smoking lets me get my pains "exhaled" with every puff. Its as if at least for a very short while, I am able to take everything our on the cigarette. But I promised my father I am not going to touch another stick of that. I know that acceptance will set me free from pains, bu why am I still suffering? Why am I still hurting? Why do I still love him? Is it because I invested not only my love but also my dreams for the future? I am the kind of person who'd really give my whole heart, and maybe I still find it hard to understand just how someone can hurt me this bad. I am planning to undergo counseling under a psychologist/psychiatrist this April. I have already contacted the psychologist, and so I only need to have enough funds for a month-long counseling. Again, yes, I am trying to help myself get better, without having to bother my friends, and family I will get through this. I used to hope there'd be a hero for me, and sadly I only get hurt hoping. If no one else can be, then I'd be my own hero. I dont want anyone to pity me, but please dont mock me for having this entry here. I hope people would understand that I only want to vent out my thoughts.