NEED HELP!! maybe a therapist???
By lexi19
@lexi19 (25)
United States
March 17, 2009 12:44pm CST
I've been dating this guy for a few months now.. things were perfect at first (like always) but lately, I've been coming to realize that he has a lot of issues. 7 years ago he was in a 5 year relationship and engaged only to find the girl cheating on me... since then he has been in one relationship other than me. He was with this girl for 5 months, she fell in love with him and he couldn't open up from being hurt so badly. (He was raised with the belief that there is one person in this world for you and that fell apart when he found out about his fiance). He couldn't return the same love to her and since then, got comfortable with the fact that he is going to be alone for the rest of his life... then he met me.
He is by far the sweetest guy I have ever dated and the only guy that I have been able to 100% trust. (which is saying A LOT). A few weeks ago we got in an argument and he said maybe we should call it quits before it gets out of hand.. we talked it out and he sent me a message saying he was sooo sorry how he acted and he misses me and he feels so stpuid cause he's scared and lost and doesn't know what to do... so by the sounds of it, he didn't really want to break up with me right? The other night we got in an argument and he said that he cannot change the fact that he can never love me like I deserve. I asked if it was me or just any woman in general... he said in general. Since then he has been irritable and is trying to push me away. I'm curious as to whether he really truly wants this or if he is just trying to test me.. I've told him several times I want to be there for him. He told me he can't change. I told him I didn't want him to change... Things were great the way they were... there's no reason to have to try and force yourself to have stronger feelings for someone.
He is pretty much set on the belief that he can never love anyone again and I think he is making it harder for himself by thinking that rather than letting it happen. I don't believe I'm wasting my time but I don't know what to do.
8 responses
@pricelis (86)
• United States
17 Mar 09
This is what I believe, many may not agree. I feel like when a person is betrayed by a lover and they carry that burden with them, stopping them from feeling the love they could feel, they are partially blaming themselves for the betrayal. Until he lets go of that responsiblity and understands that he didn't put her in the situation to hurt him, she did that on her own, he probably won't trust his ability to have a good quality relationship or be able to give himself fully out of protecting his feelings. Its very confusing when someone hurts you so bad, you start analyzing yourself and trying to figure whats wrong with you. They believe that they are the cause and its something they did that caused the betrayal.
If you really truly love him, try to be patient for a while longer. Tell him on occasion that you love him, and that you believe he's wonderful, his pain was caused because he was the victim of someone's neglegence. Best of Luck!
@rmuxagirl (7548)
• United States
17 Mar 09
I totally agree. give him time and do what you can to reassure him of your love for him and he means a great deal to you. You have to let him deal with his pain and do what you can to show him that you aren't like her and love him dearly and that would never cheat on him.
1 person likes this
@votenoonpineapple (235)
• Canada
18 Mar 09
Letting yourself care for someone else can be scary, because it means you'll be more hurt when it goes south. Try and let him know you guys can take things one day at a time, and you're not going anywhere. Also remind him that if he has any worries, he can talk to you about them, and if he wants to leave for his own reasons, you two can talk them out, but it's not fair to you to leave because he thinks that would be what's best for you. That's your decision to make.
1 person likes this
@lexi19 (25)
• United States
19 Mar 09
Thank you. I wrote him a very long letter a few days ago explaining that he has no right to tell me that I deserve better and that it was my decision. I also told him that it wouldn't hurt to slow things down a little bit especially until I can prove to him that I'm not going to hurt him. Told him that I know he's scared and he has every right to be.. but I'm still going to be here for him and no matter what he says or does... he can't push me away (Cause I'm almost 100% sure that's not what he really wants)...... SINCE the letter though... things have been perfect.. he's even more affectionate which I didn't even know was possible. :)
@Jlowe110 (313)
• United States
17 Mar 09
Well, you've only been dating for a few months. That's not long at all,and to already be suggesting therapy for him? If you're really right for him, it will work out. Remember that you haven't been dating too long. I say wait, because it cant ake some guys longer than a couple months to open up completely.
@lexi19 (25)
• United States
19 Mar 09
I wouldn't actually suggest therapy for him, especially this early. I told him I am willing to be very patient and be here for him no matter how long it takes for him to open up... and i reassure him all the time... I just need to find a way for him to stop pushing me away.. I know he doesn't really want that.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
18 Mar 09
He sounds as though he is very afraid of commitment due to past issues. You will need a lot of patience with this one! It certainly seems that pushing him will only make things worse. It would be really good if he was willing to see a counsellor or therapist but guys are not usually keen on the idea.
You can stick it out for a while and keep reassuring him that you love him and that he can trust you.
I guess until he is ready to get professional help all you can do is hope that over time he will come to trust that you are not out to hurt him.
Don't put your whole life on hold for this man; you should only have to wait for him to get his act together for so long.
Best of luck I hope things work out for both of you.
1 person likes this
@Super_Mommy (119)
• United States
18 Mar 09
It sounds a lot like he has major trust issues. I use to be the same way, and when I was dating my husband, and even now, I wonder if he's cheating on me, ect. (Even though I know he's not, I think about it time to time) It's a trust issue. I mean he's scared of getting hurt again, and it's really hard to prove you won't hurt him. Especially if he keeps pushing you away. Eventually it's going to get old. You have to try and figure out someone to let him know you truely love him and he can trust you. He must know that since you've been together for a while. He's just scared. Maybe you should sit down with him and discuss whether you feel ya'll have a future together or not. And if so let him know how much you want him to be a big part of it. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@huanghaixia (5)
• China
18 Mar 09
I think first you can support him in your heart!let he find your empressement gradually. until he talk his thinking with you freely.Nomatter the content even that thing about his exgirlfriend then you can share some of your story with him. Let he feel it not a big problem.support him help he subconscious. of course all of this need your patient! play up you can do it!I'm sure we can see the successful smile on your face!
1 person likes this
@mevko4 (22)
• Bosnia And Herzegovina
18 Mar 09
Im sorry but i think hes just playing stupid. If he found nice girl and u love each other so what about some arguments so what buhu cry. Whay dose he except that nothing can be prefect. what dose he want to find perfect girl perfect relationship without arguments or enything. I dont know if he can find that. But if he do he will be bored to hell. For what he is he dosent DESERVE YOU!!!!!!
@lexi19 (25)
• United States
19 Mar 09
I think you may have misunderstood? He wasn't trying to break up with me because we got in an argument... He was trying to push me away because he's scared to get close to me. He says he's incapable of ever loving someone again, which i feel is just an excuse to not get hurt. I told him I will be patient, but I don't know how when he is constantly trying to push me away.. I don't want to feel clingy or like a burden on him?
@xtremegrafix (49)
• United States
19 Mar 09
Sorry to say, but you know the answer already. It's right in front of your face. He says he doesn't love you as much as his ex fiance.. Why is he still dwelling on his ex. Unless she's not an ex yet. Sounds like to me you just a rebound. I've been there. This is my opinion because I have been there before. Please stop wasting your time and move on before you fall in love more and you expect. Then it will be harder to get out of the relationship.
He's making excuses of not giving you a chance for him to love you as much as you deserved to be loved. It's not you, it's him.
Trust me let him go. If he does have feeling for you he will come looking for you. But you have to be strong enough to let go. Then you would know if he has strong enough feelings to try to make your relationship work. This will make your love stronger. Think about it, something you can't have you want even more. Make it a little challenging for him. If you think this relationship is worth it. Good luck.
@lexi19 (25)
• United States
19 Mar 09
The second part of your comment I can totally agree with it... the first... no. It was his first love, the girl he lost his virginity to... so i dont ever expect him to love me as much as he did her...you can't really replace that. but i know for a fact it's over with them... It was 2 and half years ago and she moved out of the country.. and he has dated a few girls in between us so i can't see how im a rebound? I gave him some space like i felt he needed, and yes... he did come back to me.. thank you though
@xtremegrafix (49)
• United States
23 Mar 09
I'm sorry i didn't know it was his first love. Then i would understand why he cannot get over her. That is very understandable but you didn't specify that in your first statement.
I'm glad you took part of my advise. Everyone needs space to figure things out. Good luck on your relationship.
