When a trust is broken, how do you put the pieces back together?

Tweet

There are times when I curse myself for being so deeply in love. I have always been this conservative lady, who dreamed of marrying the first guy I fell in love with. Of course it didn't happen. Why? Because he ruined my trust when he cheated on me. However, stupid in love as I was back then, I took him back with all my heart. A month later, he crushed my heart again. Our relationship was like a broken record - things happened over and over again. Would you believe it lasted for 7 years?I had always believed I am a lot stronger now. I'm even grateful for the pains he caused me because I can now easily swing from one relationship to another. I had three boyfriends after I ended my nightmare. None of those three men even made me shed a tear. Oh yes, I thought I was so strong. Not until earlier today. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned the faucet on to let the water flow, and sat on the toilet seat for more than an hour - crying. Last year, I let myself be swept away by my boyfriend's melodic voice. We both didn't expect we would end up living together. Both of us didn't believe in love anymore, until it hit us. In the beginning everything was so lovely. My friends noticed I had gotten prettier. And I would beam at them with my dreamy eyes and tell them how wonderful it is to be in love. Until one day, I accidentally read one of the text messages on his cellphone. It was from this woman whom he was dating with when I stepped into the scene. It was 12 in the midnight when his cellphone went off. He was lying deeply asleep, and I was fully awake because I failed to go to work that day due to body pains (we have different days off, by the way). The text was a psychological explanation about why a person hugs a pillow while he/she sleeps. The last line of the text message fired up all the fury in me. It was a hanging question: Who will you think of when you hug your pillow tonight? That woman was very much aware that we are living together, and she still has the guts to ask that question? Not to mention that she sent it in the middle of the night!Questions start filling in my head. It was his day off, I shouldn't even be with him on that day hadn't I called in sick. I browsed through the inbox and sent items on his cellphone and there they were; evidence of their text messages whenever he's spending his days off. I felt like stabbing and choking him that very moment but being the lady that I am, I waited to discuss it patiently with him. He apologized and promised he won't do it again, and that nothing's going on between them..yada..yada..yada.. Guess what? I believed him. And guess what again? the same incident happened over and over again. But today, it was rather different. I had read his chat log about his vacation leave being approved. And the day was plotted on one of my days off. And he never informed me about it. So, as usual, I tried casually to ask him about it and why he failed to tell me. In the end I was screaming on top of my lungs from all the kept and restrained emotions I have inside me. I wanted to throw things at him for giving me those beautifully-woven excuses he has. He tried telling me it was his surprise for me. Because he wants to spend my off with me. Now I'm furious at him and he's mad at me for "snooping" around his things and for not believing the "truth" he was telling me. I can feel my heart being beaten up all over again. I let all my tears flow - a sign of helplessness. I am trapped - trapped by my emotions. For I still love him. But now that the trust is gone, I don't think our relationship will survive. With all those things I had gone through -a lady who had acquired a phobia with her trust being broken all over again; will you put the blame on me now that our relationship is coming to an end? He said had I not snooped around his email, there won't be an argument between us. For his VL was intended to be a surprise. Should I open my heart once more? I find it so hard to do. That is why I am asking all of you....how should I put the broken pieces of my trust back together?