Is it ever okay to put your job ahead of your family?

I think it is installed into us to be bread winners or home builders and this involves putting work first but it seems unnatural to me. It is as though we are out of a natural relationship, as though work is a false obligation that we are somehow forced to accept blessed be

Yes, I agree. This work-ethic is what drives the economy of most western countries, in fact probably all countries. I feel that this starts in schools at a very young age. Kids are encouraged to be competitive with each other in lesson and in sports etc. But then they are made to wear uniforms, to suggest that nobody's different, which seems to contract the competitive angle. How weird society it sometimes. - Derek

You know, I have to say if you're a person who prefers to put your job first, ahead of me, then you don't need me. In a marriage, a man should care about his wife and her needs as well, which may include him not being gone all the time and not putting her last. I know I sound kind of sad and negative in saying this but I have been noticing a trend like this lately with younger men - as some of my friends are a good 6-7 years younger than I am. As a result, their husbands are younger. They often have 2 or 3 very young kids, kindergarten on down to infants. They need the support, backup, and simply having their spouses BE THERE more often. It is NOT true that all a man has to do to be a fulfilling husband and dad is be the breadwinner. That is FAR from the truth. I don't know what makes men believe such a lie. If they are the only breadwinner, perhaps it is important to a degree, but they still need to fulfill other obligations which are JUST AS if not MORE important than the money portion of the equation.

Thanks Sharra. I am SO glad this isn't happening to me because if it were, I would have handed in my resignation already. I don't get sick often and we don't have other things occur often that really would even cause this to come up - but yesterday I took a close friend to the hospital because despite calling her husband, he said he couldn't come home and acted like she wasnt really sick. I was terrified that she might DIE in my car! The way he acts, it seems like he's afraid he'll get made fun of at work or that they will hold it against him somehow if he goes and takes care of his wife. Once last year their daughter (who was 4) got really sick and she called him and he refused to come home THAT time too. His work buddies even pretended he wasn't there when she continued to call... I told her if we had to take her daughter to the hospital that I'd come and get her other kids so she could be there with her and not have to leave her alone. When I worked full time at my last job, I DID agree to some mandatory overtime, but at the time I did not have kids. I was married but since my ex worked so much (65+ hours a week) and he never was guaranteed days off, it didn't matter. My boss liked me though and I didn't take advantage of that, so when I did need time off or to leave early, she didn't have a problem. If she hadn't been that way, I'm not sure that I'd have stayed there for almost 5 years. Honestly too, the ONLY person I'd care about being okay with me leaving if I had to leave would be my direct boss. I wouldn't give two sh*ts whether my coworkers tried to pick on me or whether they disapproved or not. Sorry but NONE of them are more important than my family!

That is terrible. How can he say he cares about his wife and children and then pretend they are not important. I thought that sort of male behaviour was a thing of the past. Maybe he was worried that they would think he was a sissy if he cared about his family. That is so bad. Hmmm what is the phrase."Oh you are such a girl!" They make us out to be so pathetic and undesirable that I wonder how the human race managed to survive this long. My old boss may have been bad about letting me take holidays etc but she would never say no in an emergency. I remember taking time off to drive my partner to the doctor because he was not allowed to drive for a while. We were worried that he might have had a stroke. He hadn't which was wonderful but I was so worried I would lose him I did not care about work.

I don't know about him, honestly. Sometimes I feel like he cares more about his job (truthfully, I'm not just saying this because I'm upset with him) than his family. I can't wrap my mind around that myself but I don't think I'm meant to, if I could wouldn't that mean I was like him? I wouldn't wish that ever. I even told my friend that if he doesn't believe she was as ill as she said, he can call me and I'll talk to him. People are not sent to the emergency room if they are perfectly fine....

Well said and you are right that some jobs are better suited for those without a spouse and children. Sometimes it is best to make a decision between the two early on in a career. I can feel your frustration as well. I am with you in that if the job calls 7 or 8 times in a month then the spouse ought to call them home 7 to 8 times a month. Good Point! If it were me and anyone in my immediate family were ill or in an emergency, i would leave my job right then and there. No bones about it. I would deal with the aftermath later. Thank you for your comment.

I actually think this is coming down to a combination of a person not taking something serious seriously AND the perception that they will be bullied or razzed or made fun of and that doesn't appeal to them. I don't want to be too specific yet at the same time I want to explain that there may be more to this situation than it appears on the surface. Personally, there really is nothing that people at my job could or would do that would force me to put THEM ahead of my family. I wouldn't care if they made fun of me, I wouldn't care if they threatened me. In any job I have had I have made no bones about the fact that while I am there to do my job to the best of my ability, it doesn't mean they own me or that I will put them ahead of other obligations I have in my life. In an emergency, I will leave, they can deal or not. I am a loyal decent employee and I will work hard AND smart, but I will not be taken advantage of or bullied. If they want someone to take advantage of or bully, they should hire someone else. I actually believe there are some occupations that are better suited to single people. I say this with no ill intent - but professions where you are gone a LOT, get called away often with no warning and have no regular hours or shifts or days or anything, or jobs where you really cannot have obligations to anything or anybody else because it seriously impairs your ability to do your JOB, well, then you should be single and not have a family depending on you to be there. This is especially hard when a person like this has a spouse who DOESN'T want to accept help from anybody, not even a close friend who offers, has a family who lives far away, and nobody really to depend on regularly other than the spouse - who is always at work. It's like a vicious circle and VERY frustrating. It's even worse when they have several very young children. I DO think that these types of jobs DO attract more single people, but at the same time, they tend to be jobs with good compensation, which may be what attracts people with families to support also. It just is an unfair thing to do, making someone 'choose'. It's really about balance but that has to mean actual balance, not making someone feel guilty or bad every time they NEED to put their family first! In any given month, someone might get called away from their family in a job field like this... say 7 or 8 times in addition to their regular scheduled shifts. I don't see why they have to make a big deal out of being asked to come home ONCE! If we're talking balance, if they get called in to work 7 or 8 times, then the spouse has the right to call them HOME 7 or 8 times! I am laughing about 'get a cab'.. not that it's funny but it's ludicrous. Not only did I take my friend to the doctor, I took care of her kids, picked her son up from school, and then brought them to the ER with me and my daughter. It's a good thing my son is 17 and not 12 because I wasn't able to pick him up from school since I was rushing to the ER. I didn't have any more room in my car at that point anyway but obviously someone who wasn't in danger of dying needed to be taking care of the kids. I always worry about kids in situations like this, not only were they worried about their mom, they were hungry so I needed to feed them, they had tried to dress themselves so they were wearing half jammies... it was just a tough situation overall. Like you, I am just flat out in shock that someone would overlook a serious situation and think that staying at a job is more important. I would not want to risk my spouse or child dying because of some perceived slight or attitude from my boss or coworkers. Are you kidding me? They should get over it. If something happened to them, I would WANT them to feel free to leave and take care of it!

I wish it could be just a certain amount of work accomplished, not a 'certain amount of time invested'. If this were so, then people who were smart would most certainly figure out how to get the work done in a shorter amount of time, thus making the same amount of money but having to be away from their family and inconvenience them less. This makes sense - balancing both in a fair way.

My husband has always done that too - the only time his job seriously interfered with that was the off shift, and he did eventually get back on days because he knew it was causing all of us (including him) to suffer. I have never had to worry that he wouldn't come if one of us had a serious accident or got really sick - there have been a few times where I waited to get ahold of him or wasn't ABLE to get ahold of him and I just managed the situation on my own until I WAS able to reach him. Granted as soon as I was able to reach him he was always on his way immediately, no snippiness or assumption that I was lying or making more of something than it was, no threats from his coworkers or boss that he 'better not leave'. I am so grateful that he is my rock and always able to be counted on. I don't bother him at work though unless it's really something I think he needs to know, and I think carefully before calling sometimes too because once he knows about something, there are times when he worries more than I do.

I am the same way I wont bother my hubs at work unless it IS an emergency so he knows if i am calling him at work it MUST be pretty serious

Yes, but if you don't work, you don't earn money and the family will suffer in that way. Most of us that are working are trying very very hard to provide for our families because we do love them.

Exactly. In any real emergency (spouse or child having to go to the ER for example), the person at work needs to come home if they are called. I know that SOME people might not call them, but I guess it depends whether you feel they should know and whether their presence would help you. I have a hard time with this simply because you know... I have a friend whose husband seems to feel that his work trumps his family. It almost seems like he RESENTS his family. I mean they INTERRUPT his job for cripe's sake.... and this is backwards. That's what makes it sad. We all have priorities. When you are about to die, you never hear someone say 'oh I love my job. I wish I had spent more time there. I wish I had married it. I wish I could take it with me'. No.. people more or less say 'I wish I had had more time with the people I love. Why didn't I spend more time with them?' The truth is, you could have. Priorities.

As it should be. I guess for some people it is harder to make the distinction....

In a real emergency of course I would find a way to get out of work. Still, it would take me time to get there and to get someone to cover me. My daughter would be better off calling 911 and I would meet her at the hospital. I know this because I have had to leave work a couple of times to take care of issues with her. I also know that I could not afford to take time off from work unless it were a real emergency because seriously we live on a very tight income and I happen to be the only one that supports her. It is important that I keep a roof over our head. On occassion, if I miss a night, I of course would budget around it somehow. I am just saying that I could not do it often at all. Is my job more important than daughter? Absolutely NOT! I keep my job because of my daughter. I get all of my hours in in 4 days so that I can have 3 days home to be here for her. I don't go out often at all. I am 100% dedicated to her.

I guess that's where you and I differ. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I am just much more likely to say an emergency is happening, to heck with whatever else is going on. If my spouse or any of my children is in an accident or gets ill to the point where they need to be rushed to the hospital, I will either be directly involved in helping that happen, or I will go directly there to meet them, no matter where I had been prior, no matter what I had been doing. If someone else doesn't want to understand that, so be it, I don't care. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I would feel the same way whether I was employed or not. When I WAS employed and my ex-husband had an emergency, I went to my boss and told her and she told me to go and then just call in to her if I had to be gone the next day. Yes I had to use personal time/vacation to miss work but it's not like they couldn't get by without me. Yes my work piled up but I was also allowed to work OT when I returned to work. As of now, I don't work outside my home. If something happens, I filter whether to call my husband or not. In a true emergency, something that included an ER or hospital, yes I would ask my husband to come home and he would. He often worries more than I do so I only ask him to come home if something is serious. I DO let him know things that happen though, on a daily basis, and since those are small things, those would be up to his discretion - for instance last month our daughter was sick with an unexplained high fever and I had to take her to the doctor twice before we got the right medication. We kept in touch pretty regularly via email and text but I didn't ask him to come home. If he had decided to come home on his own, I wouldn't have stopped him, but honestly I don't EXPECT it unless I am worried out of my mind and I specifically ASK. I just want you to understand the chances of emergencies happening are perhaps once or twice a year, so yes, if it occurs, that's why I'm saying it's important the person you call comes home. One emergency situation is hardly going to hurt in the long run - although it might hurt if you aren't there.... In the last 10 years or so I think my son had a bike accident that required stitches, my daughter had a dune buggy accident that required stitches, I went into labor with my daughter and sent my husband to work but then it became obvious that I wasn't going to be in labor all day so I had to have my husband called - good thing, he barely made it. I think we had a few other incidents, a quad accident resulting in a bunch of bruises, one of my kids got knocked down by a car and got a bruised rib, my older daughter accidently sat on a paring knife... an ER visit or two. Some of these didn't require anybody to come home, but some of them did lol.

Yep if it's nothing big then I don't bother my other half either. But he does get a text message about it. That way he's in the loop so to speak.

That's good. I know from having been at the ER with one of my kids and NOT being able to get ahold of my husband (his work phone wasn't ringing through but I didn't realize that) that it is truly stressful dealing with it alone. Not only was I upset about the situation that led to me having to take her to the ER, I knew that my husband would have wanted to be there - IF I could have reached him. He did come as soon as he could when he finally found out, but I wasn't able to reach him all day. And... I guess that's the thing. I always consider if I really need to burden him, and if I do, as soon as I get ahold of him he does come, really no questions. There have been little things that happen at school, like I have to pick up someone because they threw up or someone tripped in gym class or smashed a thumb in auto but it didn't require a trip to the doctor, I don't call for stuff like that. It usually makes its way into an email because we do email daily but that's nothing to come home for lol.

Is he still able to do things with you though? If some emergency happened, would he come home and take care of you?

Well, as long as they arent resenting their family by griping and whining and acting like they'd rather stay at work when a true emergency is happening and they are truly needed at home, then I guess it makes sense. I know if someone is at a fire or involved in a pursuit that they obviously either cannot be reached at all or can't go home in that moment but they certainly can AFTER they are finished dealing with their own job related situation. I just don't know. I have NEVER had that kind of love for a job, not enough to put it ahead of PEOPLE in my life.

Definitely it makes sense that if you are too far away geographically, you can't really do much. However, I'll give myself as an example. Say I suddenly got so ill I couldn't even get off the floor... I had 3 little kids who couldn't be unsupervised, I could get to the phone and call for help but I couldn't drive, at that point I couldn't even get the kids in the car myself... so I call my husband. Don't you think my husband should come home? Even if I called someone else who could come get me and take care of my kids because it would take my husband 2 hours to get home? I would still want him there, especially if I knew there might be something terrible wrong with me and there was a chance I might not see him again. I know were the situation reversed and that happened to my husband and *I* were at work, I would just leave immediately. I would be so worried about him I might get a ticket for speeding and they'd let it go because I was bawling out of fear. To me, an emergency crisis where you could reasonably expect a spouse to come home immediately (or go straight to the hosp to meet you) would be either yourself or one of your children. I wouldn't include parents or other relatives unless they were close to you geographically or lived with you or you were taking care of them.... ie you were considered their caretaker and had direct stake in what was going on with them. I mean I'd call my husband if I got bad news about one of our relatives but that doesn't mean I'd expect him to leave work immediately, only if it were something serious related to me or one of our kids.

Yep, most employers will understand if it's a crisis, the ones that don't are probably not a company you should stay with anyway.

I agree, you cant just take off every time someone gets the sniffles but if a real crisis arises they should be able to leave or make the choice to be with their family regardless of consequences most employers are understanding those that arent ...well shouldnt employ people that have families

If I took even an afternoon off, it would compromise our budget greatly. If I took a day or two off, I'd get real behind. My job might just be a job but it provides a roof over our head for me and my daughter as well as food on the table, electricity, heat etc. I am the only one supporting her and so for her well-being it would not be good for me to be missing work unless it were a major emergency.

My point though sid is say your daughter has been in an accident or suddenly is stricken with an illness. I would be surprised if you decided to stay at work. Even if there is only one income, it doesn't change the fact that an emergency is occurring. In the event there are two people, for the most part you would think that the other person in the family would want to be there simply because they care about the welfare of their spouse or child. Injured or sick people don't usually CHOOSE to be alone and especially with a sick child - or a sick parent who has small kids in tow, the other parent is a WELCOME addition.

I also don't think it's fair for any job to ASK you to put them ahead of your family. You are likely working at the job to take care of your family, you owe your family, not the job. You're doing a service to them and they are paying you for that service. That doesn't mean they own you. If you have to leave for the afternoon or the day or half a week or a week, it's not like they continue to PAY you while you're not there - unless you're salaried. If so, then you still should have vacation or sick time you are able to use, or things like family leave or disability if it comes down to it.

They should. I am not sure they are a quality decent employer if they don't. In my opinion, NO employer should harrass you, make you feel guilty, or otherwise threaten or disapprove of you leaving to take care of an emergency at home. I am talking emergency, not 'I just wanna go home'... know what I mean? It also shouldn't take the riot act and 25 pages of proof to show that it's an emergency, a simple call from a spouse, a doctor, or a proxy outlining the serious situation should suffice...

Obviously there has to be a balance, but when an employer knows you have a spouse and kids, they have to be prepared to realize that from time to time, SOMETHING may happen! Why do we have health insurance? Because as soon as you don't, your kid decides to climb on the roof and jump off it onto a trampoline because he saw someone do it on youtube. Because your toddler eats peanuts and has an allergic reaction that entails an ambulance, the ER, and 5 days in the hospital. Because you slice your thumb half off with a knife while making dinner. It's just inevitable. Even adults have accidents. Even adults get sick. Even if they are SUPER MOM. Sometimes kids get in trouble at school or get hurt at school. Sometimes kids get hurt on the WAY to school. You just never know what is going to happen. I think it is beyond inexcusable to have a job treat you as if you aren't allowed to put your family first when something like this occurs.