Dealing with your mate's EX...
By dramaqn
@dramaqn (1990)
United States
April 9, 2009 8:24pm CST
I've been married twice, engaged a total of 6, and dated enough to make me go nuts. And through all of that crazy hoop-lah,I have never had any problems with Ex-wives, girlfriends, or fiance's of those that I was dating. That is until NOW. I don't know why but I get a minor anxiety attack when ever he mentions her name. I don't know why this is, but I'm coming to my Mylot family for some advice or comfort from other's who have been through this. I just don't get it. I mean, I truly get into a funky mood after she calls him or he says he's meeting with her. They are ironing out some financial things themselves including the final tuition of their daughter in last year of college. I know what you must be saying or wondering... yes I have spoken to him about this. What does he say? He says and does his utmost to assure me there's no way he would get back with her. And explains that after such a long marriage that it takes a lil' bit longer to get some things tied up. Okay, did you recall where in the begining of this I said I was married TWICE? This was his only marriage, but her 2nd. So, yes like me she's down this path. And I'm sure because of how her first one ended she's doing her best to get the most out of this one.
And that's fine, but you know what she's dipping into my time now. Anyway, Does anyone know or have a clue of what this feels like? Been through this? Or have any suggestions of what I can do to help me get through this dang blasted anxiety? We are really becoming close and expressing some deep verbal emotion and feelings. I don't want this anxiety issue to make me walk away from something that feels so right this time. I know, you all have seen me through some relationship issues. And that's why from now on I'm coming to you all for some guidance. Because apparently I can't do this on my own. I need outsiders to help me save my emotions and heart. So, whomvever can help I greatly appreciate it.
2 people like this
4 responses
@signum (545)
• Australia
12 Apr 09
Hmmm....well I could be wrong, but if you've never felt like this about a boyfriend / husband's ex before, and you're getting these feelings now, that should tell you that something is wrong. Trust your gut instinct.....do a little detective work and see if there's anything going on between them.
You would not be having these feelings for no reason.
1 person likes this
@dramaqn (1990)
• United States
18 Apr 09
You know I went through that. And came up empty. But I do know that she stole the tie I got him for Christmas. Maybe that could be the anger I have. I don't know. Heck, I told him I'd meet her if it would make her feel better. But anyway, I have received some great advice on here and here at home. And so far I think I've come to the conclusion that I have put up such a big wall after this last relationship that I'm just looking for any reason for it not to come down again. I don't know but I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you for your wonderful comment it is greatly appreciated.
@dmrone (746)
• United States
10 Apr 09
I was the ex. She had to deal with me because we had children together. It is hard, it was hard for me to have to deal with her. She thought i wanted him back and i just flat out didn't. Even though i told her as much, there were still some problems. In time she learned to trust that i was not interested in her man any longer, except for my children. If you trust him, and feel that he is being honest with you, it will become easier for you. Because they have children together they will try to work together for the sake of their child or children.
1 person likes this
@dramaqn (1990)
• United States
18 Apr 09
I see your point. I took have filled those shoes. However, I've filled them being the mother of young children not adult children. And she is not wanting to talk about the children or grandchild. This is a woman scorn and seems like finding any reason to see him, like his answers are going to change. She don't need to see him to get the alimony, that can be sent in the mail. Geez! She's getting 3/4 of his pension what else does she want? Well, slowly but surely I guess things are getting better. I just need to be a little more patient I guess. Thank you for submitting your very valid and thoughtful input. I greatly appreciate it.
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
10 Apr 09
It is clear to me that the reason you feel this way is you have now vested a good deal of yourself with this man and fear that he may not quite be over his past love.
He can tell you a million times that he is over it but his actions tell you more.
But remember this is not an easy thing for anyone to go through. You know that, you've been there twice yourself. Especially someone who may have been together for a long time. It will take time to work it all out and you must try your best to work with that. There are many things that their lawyer can, and should, handle so their really so little need for them to get together much. If he is then you need to press him a bit more and tell him exactly how you feel. Not how you think but how you feel.
If he truly loves you and wants very much to be rid of her so that you can be together he will do whatever it takes to make you feel good about it. There should be no need whatever for you to have any anxiety over it. That happens when you think things are not what they seem and you need to make sure he knows how you feel about that.
As always communication is the key to it all. If he has a problem with that then he needs to explain why because that is not at all unreasonable.
1 person likes this
@dramaqn (1990)
• United States
18 Apr 09
Thank you so much for that very uplifting and sensible comment. See, this is why I love Mylot...you make great friends and find some great counselors. Since I have written this some things have improved, but I am not going to count my chickens before they hatch. Well, I guess I should put a picture of him on here since I did with the loser who broke my heart so many times. Well, once again thanks for all of your time, patience, and heartfelt comments.
@rosered0521 (41)
• United States
10 Apr 09
First of all this is the mother of his child and no matter how old she gets she will still have things in her life when she will want both parents there, Ie: graduation, wedding, child being born, etc. The best you can do is talk with him, tell him how it makes you fear her. Ask to meet her if you have not aready, meet the daughter also. Most times just meeting and knowing them will help you understand more of what he is actually doing when he is with them. It also may open a door that will allow him to include you in most things with them. Was he in the process of divorcing when you met? If so he may already be at that place where he knows he will not go back to her and is why he is with you. Think way outside of the box on this and keep an open mind, I'm not saying ignore signs of cheating or things of that nature but try to understand that there are things that have to be settled and once the divorce is finalized there will be less time spent with her and more with you. Like you said you've been down this road twice, you know a little bit about what happens in the divorce process, if you think it's out of the normal say so, don't keep things inside or they get worse, but when you do talk about it try to do it in a non threatning manner so it doesn't cause a war between you. Not knowing the whole picture makes it hard to help but I hope I did give you something that does. Rosered.
@dramaqn (1990)
• United States
18 Apr 09
Yes, I truly understand that she is the mother of his child. And having been down that road I am being most patient, understanding, and caring. However, it wouldn't matter if we were just friends, I don't like when exes of my friends make them mad, upset, and depressed. Just because they are trying to hold on to something that was long over. I know I can be a little harsh but that's just because I'm not the typical female I guess. I don't know. And to answer your question I did meet him during his divorce, but we weren't dating or anticipating the thought of dating. We not even really friends but more like aquaintences who just happened to be going through similar things. Will he go back to her? Definitely not. Am I sure of this? Absolutely. And not because he says so, but because I know the story of how it all happened. Well, I graciously thank you for responding to my discussions. I hope to hear from you again.
