Please let me shoot her.........I'll use a silencer, I promise!
By Sparks
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
Regina, Saskatchewan
April 22, 2009 10:25am CST
The other day I had a lady come to view my house.
My agent told me that she was a bit of a 'personality' and to smile and be patient with her.
HA! Now I know why HE didn't want to come and had me do the tour with her instead.
It went something like this:
She showed up in, I swear, a Jackie O pink suit, pillbox hat, and WHITE gloves! Sunglasses that covered half her face and pearls around her neck. I kept expecting a miniature poodle to peek out of her oversized handbag and try to nip me. Our dear fwidman would have wrestled her for her high heeled shoes! My first thought was to ask her if my mother had sent her.......lol She was so typical of my mom at about the age of 40!
Anyway, nose in the air, she proceeded to brush past me into my house as if I was an annoying knat. NOT a good start (for HER!). So I followed her in, and didn't say a word, just watched her run the finger tip of that damned white glove over the tops of my furniture and shelves as she passed from room to room. She must have had eyes in the bottom of her chin her nose was so far up in the air!!!
She also took notes on a tiny little pad with a small gold pen.
We finally worked our way back into the living room and she proceeded to sit daintily on the edge of my couch, and looked me in the eye.
"I would like a cup of tea now" she said.
"Sorry" I said, "I only have coffee, tea stains my teeth".
I stared straight back into her eyes without blinking (OMG that hurt!) and she finally gave a slight nod, and off I went to pour her coffee.
We drank our coffee in silence and when she was done, she gathered up her bag and gloves and walked out the front door and drove away.
Like, WHAT? No conversation, no questions, no chance of this woman EVER being able to live in this town without the population going into full revolt the first time she showed up at an open town meeting! LOL
A couple of hours later my agent called me and told me that she was impressed with the house, but didn't really think the town amenities were suitable for her daughter's needs.
So she was looking for a house for her daughter huh? Well thank heaven for small mercies!
Oh, and by the way my agent said, could I please be more 'animated' when I was showing the house to prospective buyers? Apparently this woman was 'rather put off' by my refusal to talk to her!
I am going down to my basement now and fashion me a home made silencer for my neighbour's gun I intend to borrow before the next viewing..........
Who would you like to shoot? Come on share. Everyone has someone in their life that annoys, intimidates and just plain drives them crazy. Let's have a fantasy fest here and tell me all about the person YOU would most like to put out of your misery.
15 people like this
34 responses
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Hell, Girl! you went and found a Steppford wife! lol!
that is just plain creepy!
um... let's see who would I like to shoot?...... *thinking*
no one I can think of.. check back later.. I've not been out driving today! lol!
5 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Yep a Stepford wife for sure, though seeing her transported me right back to the earl 60's. I was just telling bellaofchaos (who's on the phone with me right now) that the only thing this woman was missing was the small veil attached to the hat! LOL
4 people like this
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
22 Apr 09
hmmmmmm a Jackie O wannabe! and she thought you was the maid!
hahaha!
I will have my tea now! :)
3 people like this
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
22 Apr 09
yeah... I post something then I remember something and I end up spamming ! hahaha
My grandmother was the only person that I ever knew that wore a dress, high heels and pearls on a DAILY basis! it would look so funny watching her mop the floors, do the dishes and clean the garbage cans.. all dressed up!
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
22 Apr 09
The list is long of people I would love to put out of my misery, but I have learned over the years that when one annoyance is taken away two more show up to take its place. So if I were to take out the seven people on my list, I would only be earning 56 more people to annoy me. (If my math is wrong, don't tell me)
No thanks.
5 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
If I'm not one of the seven, I'm sure I'll soon be one of the 56! LOL
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Come to think of it....lol
No, even when you say "dontcha know" it isn't enough for you to end up on "The List"
Who would I go to for no holds barred advice if you were gone?
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
LOL Max...........yep, as long as the conjugal visits aren't with her, I'm good!
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
22 Apr 09
What's with your agent coaching you on how to show houses for him? What percentage of his fee would he have given you if she had written an offer that day?
Let's see, there is a mom in the carpool line at my son's preschool who seems to think courtesy and traffic laws don't apply to her...............4 people like this
@KrazyKlingon (5005)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Oopsie - you sparked my idea ... that's what I get for typing S-L-O-W-L-Y.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
My agent's office is over an hour away from my house, so he doesn't like to make the trip here if he can help it, and you can bet that's going to affect his bottom line in commission percentage when the house sells!
Oh, and 'traffic mom'? SHOOT HER WITH A PEA SHOOTER! LOL
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I may live with insanity, but I'm very clever! ROFL
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Oh please!! Let me have her!! OMG!! I'd have so much fun with her!! So many people say I look so sweet and innocent but once they see that I'm every bit of a redneck as the next one, I get cheered on!! I'd love to show her around MY house! lol Oh my, I forgot to clean up the dog shyt in this room! Sorry! Oh don't rub against the walls dear, you might get a stain on that oh so expensive outfit. I just haven't had time to clean my house yet. Oh gosh, give me time and I'd think of more and worse things to do or say to her!! Gosh, I can't stand such people!! I'd have some fun!!
4 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Oh damn it, one of my 9 cats pissed on my wall! Excuse me. Oh watch that fly on the wall! Swat!! with the fly swatter and guts smears. Oh look at that job I did! I got him!! He would've been a good meal for some frog. Excuse me, I have to barf.... do you have a paper bag? No well can I use your hand? You can clean it in my sink but I don't have any soap so you can use my hose out back. ROFLMAO!! Oh gosh! I'd have so much fun with b!tches like her!!
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Well you got me intimidated! ROFL
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I'm getting you on my cell phone the next time a viewer like her shows up! LOL
You can do the commentary and I'll try really hard not to laugh out loud!
4 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Apr 09
My first thought is, tell your agent that HE should be showing the house. Whose job is it anyway?
My other first thought is, why the heck didn't you ask Jackie O. for an autograph?
Weird...
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Well duh! *slaps forehead*
Yeah, asking her for her autograph would have been a great ice breaker! ROFL
And my agent is too lazy to take the time to drive all the way up here.......that's why he's only going to get HALF his expected commission!
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I WAS tempted to ask her if her suit was a genuine "Chanel"! LOL
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I amazed myself at my own patience. But I was taught not to 'look a gift horse in the mouth', and she had the potential to make me very rich! LOL
And your disguise must have been REALLY good, because I didn't see you at all! LOL
3 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
23 Apr 09
Who ya want to shoot agent or that women!.
and how could ya talk to a womam like that as she didnt ask questions.
TEll the Agent to show it next time you arent one!.
and I have to many I wnat to shoot sometimes so its hard to say just one lol
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
Yeah, it's choosing who's most deserving of going first that's the hard part! LOL
1 person likes this
@jwfarrimond (4473)
•
22 Apr 09
I'm a cyclist, and I sometimes, (OK quite often), wish that the bike was fitted with a rocket launcher so that I could blow that blasted car driver who just pulled out in front of me, right off the road.
I'd just flick a switch on the handlebars and BLAM! The object of objection is scattered all over the road in tiny smoking pieces. I've no doubt though that there are numerous car drivers who'd love to riddle me with bullets as I weave through the traffic jams.... Maybe I'd better start to wear a bullet proof kevlar vest while cycling...
3 people like this
@jwfarrimond (4473)
•
23 Apr 09
Well, I don't live in a city, and I'm sure that I'd not care to cycle in city traffic myself. Still, the traffic's heavy enough. What really pi**es me off is those drivers who can clearly see me coming, but pull out anyway forcing me to brake to avoid hitting them. 
Those are the ones I'd like to put a rocket up the tailpipe of.
But I just got the bike fitted with a air horn which might be just as good in blasting them off the road. 
Those are the ones I'd like to put a rocket up the tailpipe of.
But I just got the bike fitted with a air horn which might be just as good in blasting them off the road. 2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
An air horn? Oh way cool! Learn to play a tune on it! Drive those drivers mad! LOL
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I cycle too, but only in the country. Can't handle the city traffic. My instinct to stuff potatoes up the exhausts of most cars is just too strong to resist! LOL
So I hear ya.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
22 Apr 09
After reading your story, it's your agent I'd want to shoot. The fact that he lectured YOU on how to deal with the prospective buyers??? Isn't that HIS job???
Hmmmm... now in MY life, who would I want to shoot? Probably my mother, when she gets in her rants over the phone. Those drive me batty, and make me wonder how I survived as a child. Seriously. I'm a fan of constructive criticism, but all she seems to be capable of is straight criticism. My counselor has suggested to me that she's likely doing that to make herself feel better, and that all of her issues with me are likely transference on her part. I'd still like to shoot her some days... just to shut her up! 
Hmmmm... now in MY life, who would I want to shoot? Probably my mother, when she gets in her rants over the phone. Those drive me batty, and make me wonder how I survived as a child. Seriously. I'm a fan of constructive criticism, but all she seems to be capable of is straight criticism. My counselor has suggested to me that she's likely doing that to make herself feel better, and that all of her issues with me are likely transference on her part. I'd still like to shoot her some days... just to shut her up! @sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Oh gosh, I used to have this problem with my mother too. I just dreaded getting on the phone with her. So one day, during one of waterfalls of talk, talk, talk, I held the receiver of the phone close to the table and used my other hand to smack the table top as hard as I could. Suddenly I hear mom screech "What in God's name was that?" I told her, "That mom, was the sound of me reaching through the phone and slapping you silly!". It was months before she called me again, and she's been a lamb on the phone ever since! ROFL
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
Oh hell, I'd shoot myself in the foot before I'd get violent with my mother! LOL But sometimes a loud noise makes more of an impression.... She used to slap her hand on the nearest surface when we were kids and getting out of line, and say to us "That's the sound of my hand on your behind if you don't quiet down and act like ladies and gentlemen!" Payback's a b*tch, you know? ROFL
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
25 Apr 09
When my Mom finally put me in my place, I was so shocked that I spent 2wks in the Psych ward.
But, that's where I got the license to 'speak my mind'. As he said I was holding too much in. That I had to learn to 'let it out'. So, I've been doing my level best to 'let it out' ever since.
2 people like this
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Oh my you have left me open to fantisizing about this lol at just the right time.
I won't go into to much detail but without giving it away here's the jist. You all know that neighbor lady who is around 50ish and has no life of her own. You know the one I mean, the busybody. This is the woman who sits in her yard and just watches everything and everyone, then complains or outright lies about everything and everyone to everyone else. Yup that's her and I live very near her at the moment. (moving in the next 2 weeks though)
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I live in a town FULL of these kind of old ladies. And with only 75 people in town in total, you can imagine why I'M moving soon............LOL
If you're moving in two weeks, do the new owners of your place a favor and shoot the old broad before you go! ROFL
3 people like this
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
22 Apr 09
We've never had anyone look at our house as a prospective buyer. But, back in 1991 when my husband was transferred on his job to Nashville, we had our house appraised by two appraisers. They were those chosen by the company since the company would have bought our home. We weren't in the market to sell, just taking advantage of the appraisals to see what our house was worth. Well, they gave us a low estimate considering who was buying the house and they knew it. Well, we weren't interested, but I would have liked to have slapped the woman who came. Yes, the other one was a man and a much better appraiser and he was friendly. The woman had the audacity to tell us we hadn't taken care of our home!THAT was a slap in the face, considering it looked new! She made several hateful remarks, and I was getting very angry but holding my tongue. BUT she got it once she left our premises! And, to boot, they used houses MANY miles away from us in another county to make the estimate towards.They are supposed to estimate according to houses in our area, not 30 or 40 miles away. That was another thing that made us mad. We knew what our insurance company said our house was worth and we knew, to the penny, how much we had in it, considering we built it ourselves! Thank GOD we didn't have to rely on her to sell our house!
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Some people just have no people skills eh? They're the kind that you find it hard to keep your hands from around their necks! LOL Up here, we can get our homes appraised by our real estate agent and he HAS to use the neighbourhood for comparisons. But then there's home owners like me and the hubs, whose home is just SO unique to the neighbourhood, that our agent had to use comparisons from the city which is over 75 kms away! LOL
2 people like this
@fwidman (11514)
• United States
22 Apr 09
I wouldn't mind shooting my neighbor, not to kill him of course, but to at least scare the daylights out of him. He keeps cutting branches off the tree that is by the fence and then he throws them over the fence onto my side I guess it hasn't occurred to this young, very healthy young man that I am not able to drag those branches anywhere and have left them right where he threw them. I know the tree is actually on my side of the fence, but if it bothers him that much he should just come over and ask if he can cut the whole tree down
I guess it hasn't occurred to this young, very healthy young man that I am not able to drag those branches anywhere and have left them right where he threw them. I know the tree is actually on my side of the fence, but if it bothers him that much he should just come over and ask if he can cut the whole tree down 3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
I guess just throwing them back over the fence is not an option? LOL
Don't you just hate neighbours that mess up your lawn..........
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
I see.......
So working makes you stiff huh? The hubs never shared that with me mmmmmmmmmmmm....! ROFL
2 people like this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
22 Apr 09
Just use a pillow, it works in the movies. Don't you wish for just a few minutes
you could have read her mind. Anyone who would be able to pull off that performance with a straight face has got to come from outer space. I'll bet that's it, she watched 50s movies to know how to blend in with us earthlings.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
LOL. You could be right!
Personally, I think she's a robot my agent sends to new clients to 'check them out' and get a read on how they handle strangers coming into their homes, because he's too damn lazy to do it himself! LOL
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 09
Kids will be going straight to the dog run with my Spunky! LOL
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
28 Apr 09
Well, my person changes sometimes, but right now it's my sisters "friend". Oh, I was so close to puking on him Sunday. If he'd just stop breathing I think I could tolerate him.
2 people like this
@reinydawn (11643)
• United States
9 May 09
Ugh, I so wish I woulda done it now :)
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
9 May 09
Maybe if you'd puked on him he would have? LOL Good one reiny!
2 people like this
@TheGreatWhiteBuffalo (4822)
• United States
12 May 09
Just one? I can't share just one... 
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 May 09
LOL...............as many as you want dude! Just try not to repeat yourself ok? ROFL Higgles.
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
23 Apr 09
OMG! She wouldn't have made it into the house without landing flat on her face because the urge to stick my foot out and trip her would have been WAY too much to resist (or even THINK about resisting LOL). People like that drive me nuts! I have to admit that I've been guilty of telling a few that if they stuck their nose up any higher they better watch out or a seagull might nest up in there. LOL! Personally, the ones I would like to shoot the most are the ones that have the "do as I say and not as I do" attitude. Heaven forbid if we were to emulate their actions and throw it back in their faces when they comment on it or complain! Like they are perfect or something....PUH LEEZE!
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
I wish I'd thought of the foot out thing.....................LOL
And I agree with everything else you said.
After all, you and I both know that only WE are perfect! ROFL
2 people like this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
23 Apr 09
I find it amazing that this woman had been able to HAVE a daughter! I mean, what man in his right mind wouldn't have "lost the mood" when approaching someone like that?!?!
Probably in vitro fertilization. Let's just hope her daughter isn't a carbon copy!
Let's see... someone I'd like to put out of my misery... hmmm. Oh! I know! I know! My hubby!!! Nah, just kidding... I plan to get many years of alimony out of him. My son had offered me a baseball bat but I told him I couldn't have him getting brain damage or anything because he needs to make the big bucks just to pay me back all that I've lent him. (I never asked for the money back, it was his idea to consider what I gave him a 'loan'.) Since it's close to a quarter million dollars now, he needs to work for a LOOOOOONG time!
Hmmm, he DID just take out another life insurance policy on himself for $250 thousand... hmmm. 
I've had some ex-neighbors that I've fantasized about blowing off the face of the Earth, though. Our last neighborhood was so full of high-faluting snobs it was awful.
Our ex-next-door-neighbor (these were townhomes) was president of the condominium association and he was always peeking at me. If he walked by our house, he never failed to look up at the window of my office to see if I was there. If I was out front doing some gardening, he would peek out his window, then come out and start watering his lawn. (That was the extent of HIS gardening... he hired gardeners to tend to his little 6 x 8 foot plot of land.) If I was gardening out back, he'd come out on his deck. If I was on our deck, he would peek out his window every few minutes.
It was CREEPY!!! I ALMOST told his wife to make him stop peeking at me. Telling him wouldn't have been HALF the fun! 
I've had some ex-neighbors that I've fantasized about blowing off the face of the Earth, though. Our last neighborhood was so full of high-faluting snobs it was awful.
Our ex-next-door-neighbor (these were townhomes) was president of the condominium association and he was always peeking at me. If he walked by our house, he never failed to look up at the window of my office to see if I was there. If I was out front doing some gardening, he would peek out his window, then come out and start watering his lawn. (That was the extent of HIS gardening... he hired gardeners to tend to his little 6 x 8 foot plot of land.) If I was gardening out back, he'd come out on his deck. If I was on our deck, he would peek out his window every few minutes.
It was CREEPY!!! I ALMOST told his wife to make him stop peeking at me. Telling him wouldn't have been HALF the fun! @sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
I didn't even ask for alimony when my ex and I split up. I knew he wouldn't pay it. He made that very clear! But if yours will, then shooting him is not the answer. Just make sure YOU'RE the beneficiary, or one of your sons is on his new insurance policy and when you divorce that one of the terms is that the beneficiary in favor of one of his kids (or you) is never changed. That's important............that way if he doesn't pay his alimony, you have a recourse with the baseball bat! LOL
1 person likes this
@TheCatLady (4691)
• Israel
23 Apr 09
Better to put ground horse tail in some cookies and feed it to her. It will cut her up inside.
It's weird your agent had you show the house. The usual way is for them to show it and ask the homeowner to leave before they are due to get there.
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
9 May 09
Unfortunately the contract doesn't expire for another three months (what WERE we thinking! LOL), so it looks like horse hair coffee for sure when my agent comes around tomorrow! LOL
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
If I lived in the city, that's the way it would have gone, but I live out in the middle of nowhere and now I know just how lazy my agent is! LOL
Ground horse tail huh? That's a keeper idea for sure! Thanks.
2 people like this
@TheCatLady (4691)
• Israel
24 Apr 09
Are you going to switch agents when her contract expires? Maybe feed the lazy slob some horse hair coffee. LOL
2 people like this
@sanuanu (11235)
• India
23 Apr 09
I think the agent was right, you needed to be a little more animated with her. I mean you were the seller and she is the buyer. She may not be a good talkitive person but as a seller you should have done something to please her, only if you wanted to sell your house.
The way you explained her appearence I think she was from a rich family and could have bought the house for a big money.
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
23 Apr 09
The appeal of the house is pretty self evident. It practically sells itself and I didn't want to break her concentration. Perhaps if she'd introduced herself to me before she practically pushed me aside to go through the front door, I might have been a bit more forthcoming. But NO ONE pushes me around and gets hearts and flowers in return. lol
2 people like this
