I am torn, and don't know what to do
By cicisnana
@cicisnana (772)
United States
April 24, 2009 6:01pm CST
My daughter lives with us right now. Of course. After all, she is my daughter. She's almost 19. Like as of next week she will be 19. She has an 13 month old daughter who has been living here too, all of her life. I have been the baby's primary caregiver. And this baby is my absolute life. My daughter is a good mother. But she's young. She stays up in her room, listens to music, does things normal teens do while the baby is downstairs with me. She helps when supper comes around if she doesn't have anything else to do. She helps with baths, as long as she's not on the phone, etc. ect. My daughter takes weekly trips to Lexington to be with her boyfriend, which happens to be a 3 hr drive away. For a few months she lived up there with him while the baby stayed with me. Of course she worked and I took the baby up and spent weekends or just the day with her so she (they) could be with the baby.
Now my daughter wants to move back to Lexington and she's saying she's going to take the baby with her. I want her to leave the baby here. I will do just as I did before, I will take the baby up there on days my daughter has off and if she has a few days off at a time I will stay up there so that baby can spend time with her momma.
How can I convince my daughter this is for the best. Or can I? What do you guys think? Am I being selfish by wanting to keep my granddaughter with me?
5 people like this
21 responses
@maezee (41988)
• United States
25 Apr 09
From what I read, it makes sense for you to be concerned that your daughter might not be able to handle it completely, considering you've been doing 99% of the caretaking so far. I think that you SHOULD allow your daughter to move, yes, because she IS an adult who should be able to make her own decisions - but you should make her take care of her own child - 110% - before she leaves, so she can get a taste of what it's going to be like living on her own (or with her boyfriend). If she doesn't know how to take care of her own child, there's no way she's going to be able to leave with her and live without your help. I think that if she expects to move out, she should take responsibility and care more for her own daughter while she's still living at your home. And maybe, after doing this for a while, she'll come to her senses and realize that she'd rather still live at home and have your help.
I'm not sure any of that made sense! But good luck to you both!
1 person likes this
@cicisnana (772)
• United States
25 Apr 09
You make a very good point here! I am going to try this. See if my daughter CAN do it. The other day my daughter did kind of make a hint that she may be leaving the baby behind. "Then you and Cicilia can have my room," is what she said.
If she can take care of the baby I honestly have no problem with her taking the baby to Lexington, other than I really hate to see her in daycare when I'm available.
Thank you so much for your advice.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
25 Apr 09
I agree with maezee 100% and it was exactly what I was going to suggest but seeing she's already done so, I thought I'd comment here. Sometimes it takes a rude awakening for someone to realize how much work goes into raising a child however, she may surprise you and do a really good job which would make you feel a lot better but then again, she may not but for her to find out for herself would be the true test. Who knows, she may end up leaving her with you!
@dmrone (746)
• United States
25 Apr 09
I know how you feel. My daughter is moving to the next state over from me with my grandson. But i had to let her take her son and be on her own. I did tell her that i will be checking in and on them both to make sure everything is going alright, and if there are any roblems then i will bring him back home with me, until the problems are worked out.
1 person likes this
@cicisnana (772)
• United States
25 Apr 09
I really wish I wasn't so worried about my granddaughters safety. But that is one of my main concerns. I do not think my daughter would be mean to my granddaughter, but my daughter does have a temper and she has never done real well with children. I worry that if my daughter takes my granddaughter it won't take long for my daughter to realize that her daughter is in her way. I know she already feels like that but she doesn't have to worry about it because she knows I'm here. She leaves whenever she feels like it, locks herself in her room. She does help, but when it's not an inconvenience to her.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
25 Apr 09
I know how you feel......but put yourself in your daughers place....if you were 19....had a baby.....and your mother had wanted to keep it would you have let her raise it? Being a grandmother is the most wonderful thing in the world....I have no doubts that you are a wonderful caregiver....love her to pieces but you have to remember...she is not yours.....sometimes you have to let go....give your daughter the space she needs....and if it doesn't work out....well you can be there for her and the baby when they need you.....
1 person likes this
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
25 Apr 09
I feel the same way with you with my daughter and grand daughter. Just thnking how would my grand daughter who'll be turning 3 would miss me and all the love I had for her vice versa when they move out. They had to live with their own family in order to grow so, should this happened I might be going to their place frequently or they have to see me often. In your case am sure, your daughter will realize it's better leaving her daughter with you than in daycare, so maybe after a week or two for sure she will give back her baby to you to take care of. It's not being selfish wanting to keep our grand daughters with us, it's just, we want to be sure of our grandchildren's comfort and safety.
1 person likes this
@hidden1money1secret (191)
• United States
25 Apr 09
If your daughter is going to stay home with the baby, I would say you may want to let her do so. If the father is a good, stable man, then that is another reason to let go. If the situation seems unstable, then you should try to convince your daughter to let you keep custody. The baby needs someone that will raise her personally without daycare. Good luck to your family.
1 person likes this
@cicisnana (772)
• United States
25 Apr 09
My daughter is going to be working full time again. The baby's daddy is a full time college student so he could take her some of the time while my daughter is working but not always because he's either in school or doing homework. This is one of the main reasons I want to keep my granddaughter, I don't want her in daycare.
1 person likes this
@cobra1368 (702)
• United States
25 Apr 09
Unfortunately, I have to say that it is not your call. She is an adult and the mother of this baby. That isn't to say you cannot go visit frequently. If you feel that the child will not be taken proper care of, you could always go to court and fight for custody of the child. However, that will likely not bode well for your relationship with your daughter.
You could gently remind her of all of the things you have been doing for the baby that she has not been doing, and ask her if she is ready to take on 100% responsibility for the baby.
Make her start taking 100% responsibility now, before she moves away. Give her a taste of what it will be like to really raise her baby by herself. That may actually make her change her mind and want to leave the baby with you.
Those are the only options I can think of at the moment. It is getting late and I am still trying to get over this stupid cold.
@mssnow (9484)
• United States
25 Apr 09
Well if you can. sit down and talk with your daughter. I am sure even if she is not the best mother she loves her daughter. Ask her what she thinks is best for her daughter. if her daughter works full time the baby will need daycare. probably wont see her much anyways. Ask her if she thinks a stranger taking care of her daughter is better than a grandmother. if she still wants to take the baby. Let her. But tell her to remember you are still here to take the cild if need be. There is nothing you can if she wants to take her baby. But maybe if she sees how hard it will be to get child chare and pay for me she might reconsider. She has to make her own mistakes. I can tell you love the baby too. You sound like a great grandma But the baby is hers and not yours. Sorry for being so harsh, but I had a similar situation with my aunt taking care of one of my children I was young and didnt really understand about taking care of babies. My aunt talked me into leaving my child with her. Now the child is grown up and is very angry with me. If I had to do it all over again i would have not let my aunt take her.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Apr 09
I've had my grandtwins with me now for over a year. However, they will be going to Dubai where their Mother works in August. do I want this to happen? No I don't as I know that I will miss them so much. I just adore them
However, they are not my children. children should be raised by their mother and so I have to stand by and smile when they all leave. They are not mine and what a wonderful compliment my DIL gave me when she said that she wamnted me to have them - not her own mother who lives quite close to me. Of course, I let the other GM have them on most weekends.
you D may make a good job of raising your GD on her won. she should ne allowed to try and you can tell her thsat if it doesn't work out then you are willing to take the child back. Let her know that you are there to help and support her as she is so very young. God bless and I hope that ti turns out o.k. for you all.
@jennie8109 (2)
• United States
26 Apr 09
If your daughter is going to try to do this on her own, let her. My mother was in this situation with my older sister, and she is 32. My older sister moved back home from Wisconsin, got pregnant, and ended up caring for my niece while she ran around town and did whatever she wanted. Then my sister decided to move away and take my niece with her. She is finally learning how to calm down and she is even pregnant again with a stable relationship with the baby's father. Sometimes learning on their own is the only way they will learn.
@kjasmine (21)
• United States
25 Apr 09
I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think you have bonded with your grandchild more than your daughter has. I think you should sit her down and point out all the ways her and her boyfriend will be inconvienced with the baby there all the time and be sure she understands that it's not going to be like it was before. Before, the baby was only there when you took the baby on the weekends. It's much different to have the baby there twenty-four hours a day. Talk to your daughter and see how convinced she is to take the baby. Maybe you can talk her into your previous arrangement.
@kjasmine (21)
• United States
25 Apr 09
Also if you want to give her a taste of what she is in for, stop taking care of the baby and make her be totally responsible for the baby while she is there in your home. Maybe then she will see that she's not ready for full-time motherhood. But, then again, she might be. But from what you said she doesn't seem to be.
@Hedwig (283)
• China
25 Apr 09
Besides,maybe you are also worrying about whether your daughter can take good care of this child or not. From your words, your daughter is quite young ,actually younger than me, and she used to leave the baby to your care. Maybe,taking the responsibility of being a mother will help her grow to some extent.Dont worry, she loves this child ,and will finally figure out a way to be a good mama
@riyas_ali (1)
• India
26 Apr 09
Well its the right of the mother to demand her child to be with her .But by ur post i understand that u were being an integral part in raising the baby. So u can have a constructive,open hearted talk citing ur reasons.Both of u can come to a mutual agreement suitable for all. May ne u can visit the baby of the vice versa.Because a baby needs the warmth and care of the mother more than anything else in this world.All the best and good luck!
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
25 Apr 09
no easy answer here.. i'd say the baby is prrob better off with you, but on the other hand she is the mom.. i wouldnt leave my kids with anyone else, but i've been the primary care giver.. i think your grand daughter is more like your daughter to you huh ? maybe after a week she will realize how much work a baby is when she doesnt have you around to do mst of the work and she will ask you to care for her.
@worldbestwriter2008 (1633)
• Philippines
25 Apr 09
no, you are not selfish in that way you just love your grandaughter too much as you love your daughter or perhaps you are thinking that your daughter couldn't give the right care to her daughter but she is still the mother of the child..so the good to do in here is to leave her daughter with her..anyway she is already on legal age..she is eighteen right..so she can be trusted on the obligations she entered.
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
25 Apr 09
Well I totally understand where you are coming from. However, is it becauses you feel the baby is in better hands being with you? Remember though if you don't let her take the baby she will never grow up and take the responsibity of raising the baby herself. She will rely on you for everything and that is not always good. Your not letting your daughter growup to be an adult. If she can't handle it she will definitely bring the baby back to you. Good Luck to you and your daughter.
@liqinggash (2)
• China
25 Apr 09
Oh i think it's diffcult to decide . Not every thing can be perfect
@dia8497 (7)
• India
25 Apr 09
See after all she is a mother and mother can't live without her child, and you have been addicted to the baby which is obvious when you are with the person for whole day long you can't stay away from that person even for a second and this a baby that is so sweet & cute no one can stay away from such adorable babies. It's you who have to be strong and you can do that by keeping yourself busy in your daily routine.
@jane1981 (79)
•
25 Apr 09
i think this is a very tricky subject as there are alot of emotions involved. i personally think that you should let your daughter take your grandchild. i think that she has to learn to be a mother for herself. i think that as long as she knows you are there for her that this is the best possible solution. i understand you are very close to your grandchild and want the best for her so i dont think your being selfish - your wanting the best for them both. but the baby is your grandchild and not your daughter. i think that it would be nice for you to see her as often as possible and babysit for your daughter but really think that the baby needs to be with her mother. if your daughter doesnt have you nearby she will have to look after the baby herself and not spend so much time in her room. see how it goes - if it doesnt work out your daughter knows you are there for her. hope this helps and that you are all happy with the outcome whatever it is. keep me updated x
