I remember my life as a kid

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I don't know what just inspired me to start this topic, but I just saw one that was talking about being normal, and I had a brainstorm. Growing up, I didn't have it easy. I was both physically and verbally abused. I was locked in my bedroom at night, and got into trouble if I needed to go to the bathroom, but also got into just as much trouble if I had wet the bed. I remember most nights as a young child, going to bed at night, absolutely terrified of dying. I don't know why I had this fear, as I look back on it, I feel that it was irrational. I still have a fear of death, but I don't do what I did back then. I'd have panic attacks when I started thinking about death, my heart would start pounding, and I'd have to try to calm myself down. The only way to do this I found was to look out the window. I remember I used to cry during these attacks, but I never told my parents. I was too afraid to say anything since I was being abused by both of my parents and I knew they wouldn't understand. This fear, I think surfaced after my grandmother died when I was 8 years old. No one had explained what death was to me, it seems that no one cared to do so. So this went on almost every night while living in that house, that was 4 years of panic attacks on almost a nightly basis. Nowadays, some 20 years later, I still have this fear, but I don't react the way I used to. Now I just distract myself, and try to think about something else. It doesn't take me long to return to a normal state, unlike when I was a kid. I guess being a child, you react to things differently than when you're an adult. Your brain matures when you grow up and feelings are perceived differently. Do you think it's normal for children to have such panic attacks but to keep them from their parents? I wonder what would have happened if I had said something back then instead of being silent about it.