How do you tell a 5 year old
By cj5guy
@cj5guy (93)
United States
May 8, 2009 6:17pm CST
I have 2 children I'm raising on my own. My Ex and I have been separated for 2 and a half years, my 3 year old doesn't remember much so in this situation it's a good thing. The issue I have is my 5 year old is asking about his mom. Mother's day activities and such in school have brought up the memories.
The short version of what happened: I caught her cheating and kicked her out, she took the car and the money and left me with 2 kids and nothing.
I worked hard to get where we are now, she has been living with different guys and basically denies the existence of her children. She has been in hiding and the only time she pops onto the radar is when she commits another crime. After I kicked her out, she turned to heavy drugs, and robberies. She served time in jail. Now she has gotten in trouble with the law again and will most likely be going away for the amount suspended from her original sentence. She's looking at 15 years for violation of probation.
My son wants to know where she is, I have been dreading this day as I have thought about it for over 2 years and I don't know how to tell him. Everyone tells me I should just come out and tell him, but he's 5 and sometimes he can be overly sensitive and emotional. I have to be delicate with what I tell him and how I tell him about this. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to handle this?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@okkidokitokki (1736)
• United States
9 May 09
Every one is going to tell you to tell him that she loves him, but it is most likely a lie. They told me that about my dad and all it did was raise my hopes that he would one day act like a real dad. I caused more harm than good. It made it to where he could take advantage of me and my sisters and caused a lot of emotional damage.
I would explain to him that she decided to leave and then explain to him that you are not going to leave, this may take lots of work. Also explain that sometimes adults make bad choices. You do not have to tell him that mom is an adict in jail, but it is important that he understand that there are good and bad choices. If he is in school the choices thing has probably come up in class so he will understand it better than anything else.
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@okkidokitokki (1736)
• United States
9 May 09
Don't tell him she did bad things, but that she made bad choices. You are not bad talking her if you do not volunteer that she loves him. If he asks then lie and say yes, but my gues is that you have been telling him that she loves him to help console him, that will not help him in the long run. (and do not feel bad about it because it is our first instinct to assure our children that they are loved.)
Her bad choice was in leaving there is no need to elaborate even if he asks. I agree completely that you do not need to talk bad about her, it is important that he make his own decisions about the type of person his mom is when he is old enough.
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@cj5guy (93)
• United States
9 May 09
I've thought about that a lot, (telling him that she loves him), but I'm also not going to talk bad about her. Somewhere there is a middle ground. As he grows and learns more about life it will become easier to explain it without having to sugar coat it. Even her parents told me to say that she did bad things and had to go to jail. He understands about jail and adults that don't follow the rules go there. I just don't want to give him the impression that I think his mom is a bad person, that is for him to decide when he gets older.
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
9 May 09
I think you should be honest to an extent, as being dishonest could come back and bitr you later but I think you could sugarcoat it a bit, so you always will look good in your childrens eyes, maybe you could tell him that his mother although she still loves him lives lives in a different place, explain to him that sometimes these things happen in life but whatever you do don't say anything negative about her and always say that she still loves him which I think would be true because mothers always love their kids no matter what else is going on in their lives...then maybe in a few years you could be a little more accurate about her....sounds like you are a good dad...
@cj5guy (93)
• United States
9 May 09
I tell them all the time that she loves them, she ended up in rehab several months after the split and I was able to explain that she was at the Dr's getting better because she was sick. My mom never talked bad about my father when they split and I respect that a lot.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
9 May 09
I think your children are very lucky to have such a good dad, I think they will be fine with you, your little one might have some sad times but I think with your help he will come through it and be stronger for it...
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@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
9 May 09
I guess it will be best to just be honest about it since the kid started to ask question. It will be nice to get exact, accurate information from you rather than hearing it from other people....
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@Brandiewynne (71)
• United States
11 May 09
Is there anyway that you could talk to a counselor? This may help you with talking to your son, and this could be someone that your son could talk to also. It is never easy when one parent leaves and has no contact. There are fien lines that you do not want to cross. Your son will gorw up to make his own decision about his mother.
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@cj5guy (93)
• United States
11 May 09
My insurance won't cover counseling unless directed by a Dr. I have considered that option and will keep it in mind for later. My son won't open up to strangers, he can be very shy around new people. I'm taking it slow and considering all possibilities when it comes to this subject. Just yesterday he asked me out of the blue "is mom in jail" I responded with I'm not sure. I haven't talked to anyone about this when he was any where near him. Usually he's in school and no one there know the situation. He was very close to her when she left and I still think there is a bond there, he seems to feel things about her that I later verify. Last time she went to jail, after she had been gone for about 6 months, he started missing her a lot and come to find out, she was in jail. Just like this time, he was starting to get upset about her not being around and a week later I found out she had just gone to jail again. It's something that I can't explain, it may be coincidence, but it also may not be.
@eileenleyva (27560)
• Philippines
14 Jun 09
I believe that the best way to tell the child the truth is to say it as it is. You can begin with saying that not all good things happen to people. Sometimes people are beset by problems like what happened to your mother. But don't try to destroy the image of the mother by saying the bad things she did. The child will gradually understand what you mean.
