My boyfriend is good friends with his ex and it bothers me
By katebee1
@katebee1 (5)
Canada
May 10, 2009 9:24am CST
My boyfriend of one year is good friends with his ex girlfriend. They dated for two years and broke up 6 years ago. They are in the same circle of friends. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he made it very clear that she is very important to him and that if I am not ok with that, I would be out the door. At first I was ok with it, because I was new and didn't really understand. Now, a year later, I think I should be more important to him than she is. Also, when we first started dating, he talked about her ALL the time! What she likes, dislikes... Also, she and I have some similarities and I sometimes wonder if I am her part two. She is very kind to me and treats me with nothing but respect. No matter what it seems that I am uncomfortable around her. I am unable to be myself. I am unable to let go and trust her and him together. They go out for dinner sometimes and I hate it. I trust him and it is very clear that he loves me, and I love him. However, she has caused so many fights between us, I don't understand how he can still be friends with her, when it makes me so uncomfortable. They are in the same circle of friends, so by him not talking to her, he will lose all his friends. I am trying to be ok with it, but i'm just not. Should I end it? Can I give him an ultimatum? Do I have any right?
ps. They mutually broke up because they accidentally got pregnant and were not ready, so they had an abortion and that was too hard for both of them so they broke up.
17 responses
@cj5guy (93)
• United States
10 May 09
It sounds like he is still in love with her, I have a friend that I used to date and she's now married, but we don't go to dinner and we don't hang out all the time, we are friends and we both know that friends is all it will ever be. We bounce things off each other, personal issues or professional matters. If he puts you aside to be with her, then you need to have a talk with him about how it makes you feel. Is he going to dinner with her alone or with a group of friends? You can't give him an ultimatum because it only looks bad for you, but if you are unhappy you need to move on. He seems to be the one with the problem letting go.
@cj5guy (93)
• United States
10 May 09
I have no romantic feelings for my friend and I'm not sure if it's because she's married or because I just don't have them. Does his friend have a boyfriend?
I think it's something that isn't going to change and you may need to just weigh the good against the bad and make your decision, either find a way to deal with it or end it. but right now you are unhappy and that's not fair to you.
@katebee1 (5)
• Canada
10 May 09
He insists over and over again that he loves her as a friend, and as a sister and that she is like family. Do you have ANY romantic feelings for your friend who is now married? Has is ever crossed your mind to get back with her? My boyfriend has always said, his ex is only a friend, but I don't know if I believe him. My boyfriend has never put me aside to be with her, but he knows it makes my uncomfortable, he knows it will cause a rift, yet he still goes out with her. (remember, her friends are his friends, so if there is a group outing, she will be there). But sometimes, just the two of them will go out. I know I can't give him an ultimatum, but we work so well when she is not in the picture. As soon as there is mention of her, I stiffen up and can't let go. He would causually mention her if we were out on the town (eg. we were walking by a restaurant holding hands enjoying a warm evening and he said, "Emma likes this restaurant". ) I stiffened up and it ruined the whole evening.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
10 May 09
As I see you have two choices, put up with it, and the fact that obviously you will never be his top priority. Sounds to me like he never let go or got over her, and she'll always be in his life. As for him going out to dinner with her, it's just the two of them? He's not over her, and never will be completely. And if it bothers you that much, then your other choice is to leave, he needs to stop living in the past and comparing everything you like or do to her.
@katebee1 (5)
• Canada
10 May 09
He has been making a conscious effort to make me his priority, but it's never enough for me. I wish she wasn't around, period. He is certainly living in the past. He does invite me out with her everytime, but I hate watching them interact, so I refuse to go now. When they greet eachother, he'll pick her up when he hugs her and it makes me want to vomit. So, now, he just goes on his own. He really tried hard at first to make us friends, and I tried too. I even went out for sushi with just her to try and learn about her. Instead, I found that we have many similarities and it fed into the insecurity that the only reason he is dating me is because I am like her. We have similar interests and tastes. We kind of look a like (both blonde, blue eyes, tallish and lean).
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
11 May 09
Think about this, I found this saying, no I did not write it myself, but after the relationship I was in for 3 1/2 years..............
Don't make someone a priority in your life, whe you are only an option in their's.
If this fits then you really need to think about moving on. However, it sounds like, since you explained a bit more, that it is only your insecurities that is driving this wedge between you. Maybe you should look at your past relationships, and maybe that is why you are feeling insecure about her. Also, if they have been friends, and at once involved, then it's not just going to go away, and he is not going to just end it with her. So you either need to sit down and talk to up, lay it out on the table and tell him straight out how you feel, or end it.
@ralphido (842)
• India
11 May 09
it seems like you are an alien species landed on a planet.. don't get me wrong but it seems like they have gone through a lot of awful things together.. however, shady that might be, they have shared a very intense part of their life together and its almost impossible to wipe off the imprints left by each other on their lives ... the only thing that may save your love boat is total and unconditional love.. but ultimately, it may be the one thing that devastates you completely. If you are sure of his love towards you, you will fare through in the end..
@queenroro (37)
• United Arab Emirates
11 May 09
And you are still with him???...just kidding..:)...Well, why don't you have a serious conversation with him and let him know that their relationship, friendship or whatever is bothering you..You seem convinced that he loves you, then he should accept your concern and should stay away from her...In my opinion is that he still loves her as i dont belive in friendship after relationship...It just can't do...And how can you accept a man who tyells you from the begining of the relation that his ex means a lot to him and dont even think of not accepting it???...Girl , you have to trust yourself and do whatever your mind tells you in this situation..I'm sure that there are so mant other fish in the sea..:P
Happy Mylotting!!!
@BishounenNerd (373)
• United States
10 May 09
It would seem like jealousy, but then you said that she caused a lot of fights. How did those fights usually start?
@BishounenNerd (373)
• United States
11 May 09
I think I'm getting a good idea of what's happening here. It seems like he's not being honest with you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but here's my view of the situation:
You're in love with him, and he claims he's "just friends" with his ex, but he doesn't like her boyfriend. Probably, in the back of his head, he's jealous that his ex is dating another man. So he may still be in love with her, but he's just buried it in the back of his mind.
@lvizcarra (33)
• Philippines
11 May 09
how ever the break up, as long as they are friends, there's nothing wrong with it.
its much better than those breaking up and still be at war after a couple of years
@pickoy (733)
• Philippines
11 May 09
lol, this only happens to two people: those who really hate each other and are born enemies... and the other part is that those who cant seem to resolve their differences but they really love each other but can't afford to admit it to themselves, for it will hurt their ego.
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
11 May 09
Hi kate,
That is very hard and I guess any woman will be uncomfortable with your situation. But, if your bf told you at first that she as very important to him, I guess he will always be going out with her with or without your knowledge...
You can talk to him about how you feel, just be honest and if it something that you cannot take and he cannot give up also, I guess the last decision will be coming from you, just try to evaluate things very seriously!
@reymartin69 (13)
• Philippines
11 May 09
Kinda hard situation you have there. But first of all, as your his current Girlfriend, you have all the right to be his first priority. You can give him the ultimatum you want, and f he really loves you, then he will eventually give in to your ultimatum, if not, you are wasting your time to someone who is not worthy to be loved.
Find someone else, someone who will love you back and give you more importance. You can't stay that way for a long time. Wake up and move on.
@jellymonty (2352)
•
11 May 09
ooohh sorry girlfriend but sounds to me like you'll always be number two to him. From the way it sounds, he is still in love with her. I suggest you end it with him as I dont see his ex going away. Its no point you living in jealousy as you will only be getting hurt and life's too short for that.
I was in a similiar situation with you but when I realised that I will always be number 2, I wasnt going to settle for that so I packed my bags and so should you. If he talks about her a lot and she's always in your life then sorry honey I hate to break it to you... either pack your bags or settle for number 2 status.
Its never a good idea to date a man who isnt over his ex.. You should have not continued the relationship when he made it clear to you that she is important to him. You in this case are more of a rebound girl than his actual girlfriend so dont waste your time in this.. I'm sure there is somebody out there who deserves your love more than he does..
@meandmy3 (2227)
• United States
11 May 09
If you are going to give him an ultimatum you are going to lose him, I understand your stress and how this is causing you pain and confusion. The relationship was six years ago, if they were going to get back together then they would have by now. You acting jealous, demanding that they are no longer friends and he turns away from all of his friends then you will end up losing. Even if he agrees at first. In the long run he will resent you and will blame you for his lose of friends.
Can you try to reach out to her and become friends with her, invite her to diner or lunch, maybe if you are able to be friends with her, you will not feel as threatened as you are right now.
@deddy_irawan (144)
• Indonesia
11 May 09
I think your boyfriend still remember his past relationship. I don't like people who still remember his past, especially love relationship! Why? Because people like that just bored! They can't continuous his/her a new life, didn't have strong principles, and the important is they never plant their future life. Sorry to say that, but i really had people like that. Man like that was a looser for me. My advice is forget man like that, Kate. So many guys waiting for you all in the worlds, don't become stuck to man like that. Your time, your love just waste to man like him. :)
@pickoy (733)
• Philippines
11 May 09
Well I can't blame you for feeling this way coz in this current situation your boyfriend is the one that has caused you to feel insecure about this girl. It's not really your fault that you're having this constant argument in your mind "whose really the girl in his life thing"... and the fact that they had a huge history they can't seem to get over. It depends now how long you're willing to keep up with this. If you really love him and you feel that you're meant for each other and you see yourself being his husband and you firmly believe you have future with him, then go and fight for it...
If I were you though, Id rather be with someone who'll only be with me and think about me, no hassle. I can't live with the thought not knowing who he is really thinking of while we're doing something...
@aaronmt777 (8)
• India
11 May 09
you can just tell him that yu=ou love him more than anything in this wholeeeeeeeeeee world and say tat u mean it.........look at his eyes n ask him"do u love me?cos im really lonely n sad,wen u leave me"okie dokie
@rich_yu (163)
• Israel
10 May 09
yes for sure it bother you i know what you fell its hard to be okey with that but if im with you if you truly love your boyfriend just accept it but you should tell your boyfriend that your not okey with that so that he will stop atlis talking all the time about the other girl..just give more understanding and figth on your felling you cant choice if you you end it what will happen to you are you be okey with that or happy with that or just accept and enjoy your relation in your boyfriend and show him that your not the same and your more good enough to him.....you say you love each other so just relax..
@shaggy007 (36)
• India
10 May 09
wow.Thats really weird story.Anyway i guess you tried to talk to him previously about his friend whomsoever.Few peoples give importance to friendship than love.As u mentioned that they are long term friends.Tell him you have given him topmost priority in life and you expect the same.Try talking to your Bf's ex.Tell her the truth(ofcourse that will hurt her).If not try to convince her by talkin politely.Tell his ex because of her you both are having problem in your relationship if she back off well and good.If not,you better shift out of town with you boy friend. :)
As on for now i can say only this much..
Best of luck ! :)
Regards.
@ruworth (147)
•
10 May 09
The first thing you want to ask yourself is why is he still talking to her and why does he still have the same friends as her?
We all know that friends can spread gossip that can lead to heart ache on your side even if it isnt true.
He should have some respect for you and stay away from her, so what if they fall out there not an ex for nothing.
Just lay down your rules or demands depends on how you are feeling about the situation.
He dont need her he needs YOU!!!
