"Things I want to do with my life - have kids" No thanks!
By cyberfluf
@cyberfluf (4996)
Netherlands
May 17, 2009 4:23am CST
This may sounds harsh for people who are allready proud parents, but please let me explain. I can only hope that you will respect this choice as I have given it a lot of thinking. There is allways the option that I will change my mind, but I am trying to make this a valuable discussion rather than only getting answers telling me that I will surely change my mind later on; please read on.
I am studying to become a pedagogue, I work with kids and I adore them.
Then why don't you want any children of your own? People keep asking me and turn their heads in disbelieve. I love children, so the next logical step is to have children of your own, right? Now I have never been one to follow the big croud and I am not logical for that matter either, but there are other reasons.
Also, I believe that having children should not be considered lightly anyway, and you need to think about what you can offer your child in matters of love, attention, and so on. Do you both want to work fulltime and what are your ethics on combining that with children? And so on.. but there are still other reasons.
My parents have allways had foster children, they do a wonderfull job. They help children in need that allready are on this earth and are desperately seeking for love and comfort after having hard times in their lifes. If I was to have children, why not help a child in need? Why be selfish wanting a child of my own if there are so many needy children out there?
I am not judging people for wanting to have their own children; it's a wonderfull experience which everyone who is up for the job is entitled to do, but I would feel selfish doing so knowing there are so many children are out there that can use my help. It's my idea of creating a better world, starting by doing what you personally can do.
[b]Do you want to have children or do you allready have children?
What are your views on fosterparenting?
Would you consider being a fosterparent or getting more info on the subject?[/b]
Happy mylotting!
6 people like this
19 responses
@sophie_dfuss (2365)
• Philippines
17 May 09
I think there is nothing wrong with your opinion. I used to have a boyfriend who said that he doesn't want to have a child of his own. I asked him why and he told me that he was adopted. I understand him and I think its such a good deed to help others. I think I will have a child of my own in the future and I will also adopt one child in the same time.
3 people like this
@frozenimage (464)
• United States
17 May 09
everyone's entitled to their opinions.
2 people like this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
Thank you for responding frozenimage and thank you for respecting everyones opinion. I would love to hear your ideas on this discussion as I can not make out any of it from just this one sentence. If you want to experience mylot to it's fullest and make money you'd better post at least 4 sentence responses, as these oneliners will most likely be deleted. They'll pay you up front, than read through your post and deduct from your earnings. That would be a waste of your hard work and effort. Hope that helps, happy mylotting!
2 people like this
@frozenimage (464)
• United States
17 May 09
That explains so the earning rate. I'll keep that in mind.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
•
17 May 09
Hi Cyberfluf, I am a mother myself and love my own children but would find it hard to do what you intend to do and your parents do do in fostering a child, my only experience was when I looked after someone who had come out of foster care whilst waiting for the council to house her, she betrayed my family big time and has put me off for life, although one experience shouldn't do that I know but I am not putting my own family at risk ever again by taking a stranger in. I hear what you say about the population already having a lot of needy children but earlier you said you would like to breed cats but surely the world has too many unwanted kittens in it already too. I believe each to their own. I don't feel you are being harsh by not wanting your own children I know many woman who have personally chosen not too not because they couldn't have children, I was told I couldn't so to have three children is definitely a blessing sent. So in answer to your question I would never consider fostering again. Huggles. Ellie :D
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
Thank you, Ellie. I know that experiences like this can really put people off, and you shouldn't do anything you are not comfortable with. You are right about the cat breeding, I did not think about it in that fashion, but you are absolutely right! I'd better start my own catfarm once I retire and save cats from the shelter 
. I have saved unwanted kittens before, and luckily I have lots of time to reconsider my retirement ideas. And who knows, in 40 years we might even have a kitten-shortage 
. Just kidding, you made a very valid point there. Thanks, huggles Yolanda
. I have saved unwanted kittens before, and luckily I have lots of time to reconsider my retirement ideas. And who knows, in 40 years we might even have a kitten-shortage . Just kidding, you made a very valid point there. Thanks, huggles Yolanda2 people like this
@ProudMommy22 (705)
• United States
17 May 09
I have 2 children of my own but im also a single parent as well and i do the best that i can do with what im given by god. However i dont think its a selfish thing that your doing actually i think its a pretty good thing. If i had the money and had alot more time to do so id probably do it myself jsut because these children whom are already born and the mothers and fathers have left them behind as if they was a piece of trash on the street or the children that dont have parents anymore and had to go into the system. These children have probably had a harder life than what most people could ever come close to. But being a foster parent it can be hard with these children seeing as they come from all types of situations and having to understand and love them even if they have anger,heartache built up inside of them. I personally admire the "good foster parents" the ones that love and do whatever they can for these many children they have taken into there home. Ive heard a lot about foster parents that most do it for the money the state gives them which i think is wrong you shouldnt do it for the money you should do it because you want to help these children. There is alot of reasons why you should or shouldnt do it. But the way i see it is that you are your own person and ONLY you can make that chioce of weather or not you'd want to have children of your own or help these children that are already born that are in the system for some reason or another.
2 people like this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
That's a very clear response, ProudMommy22. I can imagine getting by as a single parent must be hard, I admire you for doing the best you can in this situation. You are definatly not choosing the easy way out here and you must love your children dearly. That's allways wonderfull to read.
I have heard this stories aswell about having fosterchildren for just the money. If you are in it just for the money you are in most cases neglecting the foster child as there just isn't enough to fund everything incl. school, sports, etc.
If you take it seriously, it will allways cost you extra money. That's not a problem, but it does show that if you are giving your foster child all you would give to your own child, you are not earning anything but love and respect from this child.
@mschellemi (95)
• Philippines
17 May 09
Hello there cyberfluf. Well, I am one of those person that is in total disbelief of you not wanting to have kids-- but I do respect your choice of "not having kids" (I hope its only for the meantime??.) I am a mother but still finds time to help other children that most need help in every way i can. I do also agree with what you in: creating a better world by starting in your own personal act. There is so much you can do, by voluntarily giving your time to those kids will mean a lot to them especially when you can impart to them good values. My kids are also involved in my undertakings, for in their early years, I show them the value of giving and sharing.
2 people like this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
You are entitled to disbelieve me, I can not claim I am a hundred percent sure because I don't feel anyone can ever be. People change and therefor I would never say never. But for the time being, having no children seems the way to go.
I do not see an extra value for me personally in having children, allthough that may sounds strange or not true to you. As far as I can say from this point it is not something 'for the mean time' but for the long run. But like I said, I might change that attitude. Thank you for your comments.
1 person likes this
@twinlady (47)
• France
17 May 09
Having children is a commitment that I think is not fully considered by prospective parents. I know that when I had my first child (I was 5 months pregnant before I knew anything about it) I had not fully considered the implications - but too late, and I love my son very much. I went on to a second pregnancy - twins!!! My daughter and son are also very special to me - I would not be without them.
I feel that anyone should have the right to decide whether parenting is for them - whether as natural biological parents, or through adoption or fostering. Anyone considering these options must be very sure that this is the course they wish to follow - adoption and fostering usually bring with them significant problems - children from broken homes, educational and sociological issues. But, there are so many children out there who need someone to love them, to take care of them and to guide them on their way through the rough paths that life has to offer. If you are one of those people, then I wish you every success, and happiness - and hope that those children who are fortunate enough to be with you appreciate your unselfishness.
I am not one of those people who could take either adoption or fostering as a course of action. However, I do support the efforts of one couple who are renting our house and who provide a temporary home for children who cannot, for one reason or another, live with their family. They run a fantastic home, and provide a stable environment for these children. We can, as a society, only hope that there will always be people like yourself who can offer these unfortunate children some hope for the future, and provide them with a loving, caring stable home.
Good luck to you.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
Thank you so much for this very descriptive comment. I fully agree that parenting should not be considered lightly, if this wasn't done in the first place their would be less children that need fostercare of adoption, even though there are some very good reasons why parents sometimes can't (temporarily) look after their own children. My parents have been supporting foster children for about 13 years now, I grew up with children with all sorts of issues. That has made me stronger and I guess it's the best possible training I could've gone through if I do someday want to foster. I know how things work from personal experience and that will most likely be a benefit for me.
Happy mylotting, good to see you around on mylot. Good discussers are allways welcome .
.1 person likes this
@riyasam (16556)
• India
17 May 09
i do have a friend who used to think like you do but later on she changed her mind and now has one kid,your views are right but humans are born selfish and they need someone to love and to love them in return,also,motherhood is very different and every woman would love to experience this!!
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
I wouldn't be able to tell as I haven't experienced motherhood yet. I also daren't state that every woman would love to experience this, because I believe there are allways two sides to things and I do believe that certain woman (or better said: certain people) are not meant to have children; for whatever reason. They either don't want it, aren't capable of it or are abusive.
I might change my mind, I keep all options open . Thanks!
. Thanks!1 person likes this
@maximax8 (31046)
• United Kingdom
17 Jun 09
One of my friends is a foster carer and I admire her. She cares for two sisters aged 3 and 1. She also looks after a 4 month old baby. She has a large house and a husband that earns a high salary. I watched a program about adoption about a month ago. I felt sorry that some of the children were hard to adopt. They were too old, disabled or of mixed race. Yet each one of them is a lovely child. Unfortunately it is difficult to get approved as an adoptive parent and it is fairly challenging to become a foster carer in my home country. My life is not right for becoming a foster carer.
I have a toddler son with spina bifida. I have a teenage son. I am currently pregnant with my little girl. My house is small and I hope to move to a large bungalow.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 Jun 09
It sounds like you are doing a wonderfull job allready taking care of 2 children and having your little girl on the way. I agree the road to becoming a foster or adoptive parent can be hard and there can be tight regulations and high demands you need to fit before you are allowed to do so. It's good to know you are able to help, but I also admire people like you that have the strenght to take care of a child that needs more attention because of an illness or dissability. Even though you love your child the same, it does take up more energy and it can be a challenge. Hats off to you!
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
18 May 09
I have 4 children...mostly grown now....wouldn't trade that experience for the world. I have a cousin that chose not to have kids. She is a doctor and works at St.Judes with children who have terminal illnesses. She is awesome. Growing up, I had an aunt that chose not to have children. She was an elementary school teacher and my favorite aunt in the world. People that love kids yet choose not to have their own do have a very important role in society.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 Jun 09
I am sorry for the late response, unfortunatly we don't get a message for counterresponses that are added later on. Thank you for another descriptive response about your aunt who has been inspiring and caring for so many children in need. Hats off to her and people like her. They can't be missed.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
I also believe and truely hope that I can make a difference for at least some of the children in this world. It sounds like your aunt and cousin are very dedicated people and that they have made a decision that fullfills them with joy; lending a helping hand and doing what you are best at. Happy mylotting.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
18 May 09
I think what makes them so awesome is their dedication to kids as well as the fact that they don't have their own kids to distract them. they are 100% involved. My aunt has passed on but she made such a difference in so many young lives...mine included. My cousin....She has been on tv and all....definitly made a huge difference in so many kids lives. you don't have to have children of your own to make a difference. Also...I have some friends that simply don't want children. The fact that they acknowledge that and remain without children is also commendable.
1 person likes this
@keelymcilwain (797)
• Canada
17 Jun 09
Very good discussion. I too do not want to pop one out. I grew up having neighbors who adopted a young boy from Peru, and a little girl from Haiti. I fell in love with those kids just as much as their new parents did. I lived a hard life not getting along with my parents and bunking at other peoples houses. I feel for the kids in foster care. My boyfriend has 3 kids of his own and only has partial custody of them. He misses them like cray. We have been thinking about fostering for some time now. We are moving to a smaller city were it would be nice to raise a family. So were both on the same page, why bring another child into the world when there is so many children sitting in foster care that just want to be loved in a family, not in a over crowded foster home.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 Jun 09
I agree with you. And there are also still so many children that live in institutes not because they can't be handled but just because there aren't families to take them in. Putting children in such a situation is asking for trouble and troubled children. I can recommend it to anyone with a big, warm heart for children. Thanks, your response is lovely and straight from the heart.
@keelymcilwain (797)
• Canada
27 Jan 10
I feel the same way. There are so many kids that did not ask to be born. They need help more then a unborn baby does. They live in group homes with different types of kids in them some good some troubled, its not fair to them.
We have looked into adoption and the costs are outrageous. We have also looked into fostering we would love to do that, but right now is still not the right time for us. But the kids will still be there in 5 years when it is the right time for us. But for me to foster a child I would want one of my own too, bring them into a loving family where they could have a sibling type friend instead of a bunch of kids in a group home.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
28 Jan 10
That's a wonderfull way to look at it. These kids need and deserve a loving home to grow up in. In the Netherlands they are experimenting with special foster care families that have up to 4 or 5 foster children and a special education to raise children with severe attitude problems. Children that normally would live in group homes because they are too dangerous or to unpredictable to have in a regular family. These people raise children in their own house for a living. It's like a step inbetween their own family and a group home. I don't think I could do thát, because your personal life becomes your work, allthough I admire the people who can.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
17 May 09
I agree that education is an important expect of parenting your children, and in order to do so you need to have a proper education yourself first. As I am still in college I personally do not believe this is the right time for me to start thinking about having children. It's a huge resposibilty to be a parent and it envolves a lot of hard work and dedication. Thank you for responding!
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
18 May 09
we have different views of parenting and having kids because of how we are raised. I have two children that i very much adore.
I do not disagree with what you have said because that is how you think and that is how you feel, but on my part i don't think i could adopt. I believe adopting and having a child from me personally is a big difference and on my part i would find it hard to love children if adopted...there is different bond when you have your own kids than fostering..but i am still open to that and i would love to see why other people and how other people can love adopted children..i do not want to keep a close mind when it comes to this topic because i do agree with you that so many children are uncared for in this world.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
I don't think you have a closed mind if you are just being honest that adopting may not be something for you. I personally think it's better to be honest about having children, whether adopted or not, are for you or that you think you wouldn't be able to handle it in the way you hope and feel should be done.
Otherwise you only will get neglected children, so you are preventing that by being honest. That's a good thing. Happy mylotting!
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
19 May 09
i just find it amazing how other people can adopt and accepts kids not their own
1 person likes this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
21 May 09
I personally have two children of my own and I have to say that I completly respect your decision. It is your body and your right to choose what you do with your life. I think that adoption is a great idea. Although I have two daughters of my own, my husband and I have also talked about adoption. I too think that there are a lot of children out there in need of good loving homes. I think that anyone brave enough to make that decision deserves respect. I know that right now I am happy with just two children but sometime down the road, that could change. I too think that having children is something that needs to be strongly considered from every point before doing so. I think it just makes sense to think things through before making a decision that big. I think it is great that you have come to that decision and I wish you all the best in future endevors. Happy mylotting.
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
21 May 09
Thank you very much. I strongly believe that we are entitled to our own body and choices aswell. Adopting or fostering children seems to be something that I have grown up with and I would love to do it myself when I have my own place and a steady job. I wish you all the best whatever you choose to do in the future. I don't think adoption and fostering is for anyone, but that's the same with having children of your own.
@breezie (1246)
• Canada
18 May 09
I can understand your views and I am sure that there are many others out there who don't have the desire to have their own children. I already have 2 children of my own, but before I had my daughter my views on children were much the same as yours. Obviously my thoughts on this have changed as I now have a son as well and my kids are my life. While it is true that you may change your mind, you also may not. I think that fostering children in need is a wonderful thing. There are so many kids out there in need of a good family. Sure there are some foster parents just in it for the money, but I don't think this is the majority of them. I think most of them really want to help out kids that have had a rough life. I have never really thouht too much about fostering. Like I said I have 2 kids of my own and work pretty much 6 days of the week. I also volunteer as my daughters girl guide leader and that takes up quite a bit of time as well. I sometimes find it a struggle to find time for my kids, so I don't think I could add another child.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
Hi Breezie! That's ok, if parents are taking time and effort to take care of their own children less foster parents are needed; so consider you are doing a good deed aswell with your own children. You have given them life, the greatest gift there is. I am quite sure that because my parents foster and because I have grown up with it the idea comes to mind a lot sooner aswell .Happy mylotting!
.Happy mylotting!
@sxrxnrr45601 (1171)
• United States
17 May 09
I have 3 wonderful kids of my own! But I think you making the choice to do what you have choose to do, I think the hole ideal rocks! you are to be commended for it. It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into it and You are a wonderful person for it! Good luck !Happy mylotting!
" Never Deprive Anyone Of hope It my be all they have"
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
Thank you for the wonderfull response. Three kids is actually considered quite a lot nowadays! It's good to hear that you are a proud parent, nothing can be as heartwarming as a loving parent with their child. Happy mylotting and thank you for dropping by .
.
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
17 May 09
Well right now I dont have kids, and having kids is not something I'm focusing on I'm a little on the fence right now about having kids, the reason that I'm on the fence is that theres still a lot that I want and need to do with my life before I can even consider having kids, I'm not financially stable yet, and I dont have a life partner yet, my growing up was a bit different then most people, so I dont have quite the same view of life, and unfortunately I also dont have a lot of time to decide if I want kids, so thats one of the reasons I think I'm neutral about the subject of kids, and also for the obvious reasons too kids are big responsibility, and I dont think theres anything nessaserally wrong with not having kids motherhood may not be meant for everyone.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
You have given this a lot of thought, and I respect that. It's better to have no children for good reasons, than to have children for no or the wrong reasons. Once the child is born it needs to be taken care of, and it's better to not have a child born if it is going into foster care straight away.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
18 May 09
My husband and I have four children, ages 11, 8, 6, and 4. None of our kids is a product of US. I brought three into our marriage and he brought one, but we both love all of the kids as they are our own. There is no "mine and yours" or "step-kid" in our household. Our kids are our kids, and that's the way it is.
There have been many times that I have told him that I would like to have one more baby, with him. That is not something that is likely to happen though, and we are both okay with it.
As far as fostering goes, we have discussed that too. One of our long-term goals is to build a ranch to help troubled kids. We feel that there are many kids that would greatly benefit from a stable and loving home environment with activities to help build self-esteem and confidence, not ot mention, the chance to work with animals.
As I said, it is a long-term goal for us, and one that will only come to be a reality once we are more financially stable. Right now, I am building my business, which is the first stepping stone.
I think that you are a person who has a big heart, and the way you feel about helping kids is wonderful.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
That sounds like a wonderfull longterm goal, I wish you the best of luck in archieving it. It's a good thing that you don't have any 'mines and yours' in the relationship with your husband and children, it can be very hard on children if they are not accepted by their (step)parents or caregivers. Providing this loving care for your own children is a good step towards fostering other children in the future. Thanks for responding!
@technoobs (406)
• Philippines
18 May 09
First question, I hope of having children with a good understanding and caring wife. Its all about what we want together, and what is meant by our relationship. In due responsibility with the kids are my priority if that time will come for me since I don't want to be such irresponsible as my father would be not letting my children bear what I have suffered.
Second question, foster parenting is great for those who have difficulties in bearing a child or that they have problem with procreation. Helping those children we see that are neglected by people who are irresponsible for the consequences of what they have done is one great of reaching these children who knows nothing about this world.
1 person likes this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
18 May 09
I agree foster parenting can be a wonderfull solution for people who are not able to conceive a baby themselves. My mother wasn't able to conceive a baby either, and then eventually I did came along but I have suffered some mild impairments because of her utherus being ill at the time being. They did not know that yet then. After that she couldn't have children anymore and this is one of the reasons they decided to do foster care. Thanks and happy mylotting!
