Should a troubled couple stay together just because they have a child together
By bunnyhoover
@bunnyhoover (406)
United States
May 22, 2009 4:09pm CST
A close friend of mine is currently in this situation and he seems troubled most of the time by the way he is treated. He seems to be missing out on many of the main parts of who he is because his partner is so controlling. He's a baby crazy daddy though and they recently had a child. He drops everything for her no matter what,as long as she uses the baby as a reason. He even stopped playing music because anytime he'd come over to play music ( and this would be planned weeks in advance sometimes) she would wait a few minutes and then call him and say she needs him. Off he'd go and we'd miss yet another day of playing music. I wouldn't mind so much if these were important things but it's usually just that she would put him on a guilt trip for leaving her alone for an hour or two. The most he leaves the house for is 15 minutes at a time unless he's going to work. He's trying to find a third job now because he's supporting her and her previous child and his new child. I don't know what to do for him. I'm really worried about my friend.
1 person likes this
12 responses
@freyjamoon (90)
• Australia
23 May 09
this is not a good healthy relationship to be bringing up a child and if shes complaining about being left alone too long with the child maybe he should take the child and leave. it sounds like she only wanted the child as a pawn. an unhappy relationship is not good for a child. they pick these things up from their parents.
1 person likes this
@dinglover (52)
• China
23 May 09
it seems your friend's wife has sychological problem, too possessive.she'd better consult some pro, otherwise, she cannot be a good mother as well as a good wife.
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
23 May 09
How does your friend feel about this? I know guys who are married to women like this and just adore their overbearing wives. What you see as a problem might be perfectly fine with him. I think before any one ends a marriage though they should try working at it, even if they have to get a third party marriage counselor involved. Sometimes having a someone who is not involved with the couple helping them out is very useful.
If everything is done to save a marriage and the couple is still miserable, I don't think staying together for the kids is the right thing. They will eventually get divorced, and it hurts a lot as an adult when your parents get divorced. Better to just get it over with and not prolong the agony. It is not helpful for children to live in a household filled with agony, and dislike.
@bunnyhoover (406)
• United States
24 May 09
The crazy thing is that they are not married. Both of them are kinda against it. He certainly won't marry her, and I am pretty sure that's the best decision he's made to this point. I agree with you totally and think they should just end it before things get out of hand. Thanks for your advice. I wouldn't really call her overbearing as much as incredibly superficial. We are all hoping for the best.
@mrsl2008 (634)
•
23 May 09
I haven't read all the response to your post yet but NO!!
I work within the community and everyday I meet people who are together just for their children, it's heartbreaking because evntually the relationship will pass a point of no return and the child/ren suffer as a result.
The main thing you can do, is support your friend regardless of what he is doing. There will be a point when he needs his friends, just be there.
I hope things work out for your friend.
Mrsl x
@deepika201 (268)
• India
23 May 09
After you get married and have children you cannot live your way/style of living.This is what we see in my country India .For example let me say My father has different dreams but after getting married he had to adjust to the responsibilities and change his dreams.After i was born again he has to adjust so as to see my dreams come true. So what i am saying is try not to treat your life partner as an enemy. What ever i am saying is only one side and if really horrible and unbearable to live together then it is better to get separated. If your friend is from west divorce is seen a lot so there may be minimum effect on the child but if your friend is from the east there will be maximum effect on the child's future .So think 100 times before you take any decision.
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
23 May 09
NO I don't think so. It will not help the children at all. I think the partner is taking full advantage of him and that is horrible especially that he needs to find a third job because of another child she has from someone else. Give me a break. Where is the father and why isn't he helping financially for his child. If you are a good friend sit him down and talk to him and explain your concern. See what he says and take it from there. Good luck to you!
@bunnyhoover (406)
• United States
23 May 09
i think that's the plan if things don't improve soon. The other child's father is involved however they are beyond their means as he pays a low amount of support because of his lower income. I'm pretty sure that she cares deeply for him but I think it might be a shallow love. She is attention driven and pretty childish. Thank you for your advice.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
23 May 09
I think your friend's wife needs counselling before they take the ultimate step...since he loves the baby so much and in all probability, the mother would get to keep the child in case of divorce, its all the more in your friend's interest to talk to his wife and take her for a neutral counselling wherein she might try to change her controlling ways.
@ahslack (484)
• Singapore
23 May 09
For me,i feel that the couple should also take consideration for the child as in many cases,childrens with either single parents are often facing the pressure around them by thinking that why he/she do not have a complete family.And if the problem still persists,i think the last resort would then be seperate.
@Absinto (2385)
• Portugal
23 May 09
I dont think that a couple should stay together just because they have a child together. there are plenty of ways for the child to see the both parents without them being together. It could even be wrose if they are together because there is a bigger chance of having more fights and that is what would be bad for the child.
@mhethess (379)
• Philippines
23 May 09
Hi bunnyhoover, Having a baby is not the main reason why couples should stay together, there main reason why they stay together is they still love and respect each other. That's the problem with some couple nowadays they lost their respect and love for their partners they think that their partners are their possession. Some uses the children to treaten the other partner. What we need to put in mind that we are in that situation being married because we freely choose it and having children are adiitional blessings. If your marriage relationship is on the rock try to do something about it don't just say that I will stay in this relationship because of my children then you are not doing anything to build your family. For your friend advice him that he and his wife have to talk together and patch things over. You are a concern friend. Can you be my friend?
@amylan (187)
• France
23 May 09
I just feel so sorry for the baby that's used as a tool by his/her mom to maintain an unhealthy relationship and obviously,your friend's partner is taking advantages of him. However it's understandable that your friend could do anything for his baby but has he even thought about the question that with whom you're gonna have kids is really important? Now it seems his baby's gonna suffer a lot from bad parenting.
@naushimp (33)
• India
23 May 09
Hi there,
First of all , there is no point ion staying together for the baby's sake. every body have their on life to live. If you sacrifice it for the baby's sake, the baby wont compensate for you.some times it will it force you to make the kids life miserable by saying to him that you made a big sacrifice for him and so on.It is not good for the baby to grow up with an un friendly and hostile parent. Rather he should grow up with a single parent who live happily and in peace.
