Friendship after breakup
India
May 24, 2009 1:13am CST
I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago. It was without any bitterness or resentment. The decision was mine to a greater extent. I made my decision & announced it to him & that angered him.. He wished it was more 'mutual'.. I knew he would never let me go, so I had to take this measure. I realized there was no promising future for us together & thought that we can still remain the best of friends since I know him from primary school..
But he says, try as he might, its just plain IMPOSSIBLE to remain "just friends" with me.. He is reminded of the past & that prevents him from being cool with me.. But I don't share the same opinion. I find it easy to treat him as a good friend of mine, whom I never wanna lose in life. Maybe this behaviour depends upon the gender..
Am I asking too much? Isn't it possible from his side too? Can't we remain good friends, forgetting the past?
7 people like this
24 responses
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
28 May 09
Oh dear...you hurt his ego...OUCH!!! How dare you? He will not be able to forgive you for that and he will always try to even the score between you. I had to leave my ex because he was a drunk and not paying his share. He was dragging me down to a place I did not want to be. I left him and at first we kept in touch but both our circumstances then changed and we lost touch. A few years later I was again able to find him and I invited him to visit me in my new home just so he could see where I was now and how things were going for me. Can you believe it??? He thought I had forgiven him and was wanting to give our relationship a second chance. It shows how crazy he was to think I would let him destroy my new life because he had not changed his ways and never would. So now, the friendship has gone because he cannot accept I will not let him use me again.
• India
4 Jun 09
I didn't hurt his ego, God forbid!!! I made it quite undrstanding and as pleasant as possible..
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
4 Jun 09
Well I guess you cannot blame him for having grudges against you because the decision came from one side only. If the decision could come from both of you to separate without bitterness and resentment that could be a different story. It seems you have hurt him and that is really true it is hard to accept an ex who dump you and him not willing partner in there.
@gr8life (6251)
• Malaysia
27 May 09
Hello claudieseanwarrior,
I never like to be friend with my ex. When I broke up with my ex, I just say goodbye with everything related to him. I can't take it to see someone that I loved before with another woman. Maybe I am a bit emotional here but this is only my personal opinion. But like you, both of you got to know each other since childhood. It is not good to just leave like that especially when you are the one who requested for break up. As for another person, I can understand why it is so hard for him just to accept you as a friend. He had deep feelings towards you and that's the reason for not being able to be just friend to you.
@AKMEDIA2 (328)
• United States
26 May 09
Some people I discovered can be friends and some cannot. Also, it depends on how understanding a new spouse you have. If you remain friends with your ex, you need to have a very understanding new spouse or your new relationship may be damaged by your old.
@chiepao (714)
• Philippines
28 May 09
Me and my ex- boyfriend are good friends right now actually. But what you're asking for isn't something that would happen in an instant... It takes time to heal those wounds especially to the person you're breaking up with. It's ok to be good friends, people moves on.. and if ever he says he already did and when he's with you he's still not cool with it.. then he really hasn't moved on. You've sacrificed your relationship.. better sacrifice and understand his privacy and his feelings as well.
@gremar2009 (9)
• Philippines
1 Jun 09
after breakup? well..maybe still friends but not too close specially she hurt my feelings!
@Red0426 (23)
• Canada
26 May 09
It does not work, one or the other always wants more. I know this from experience. Also, my ex had an ex that wanted to stay "friends" but he said no. She really just wanted FWB if she was lonely, lol...No contact is the best way to go, at least until some time has passed from the breakup.
@TenmaMetsuki (452)
• Bahrain
25 May 09
From personal experience, I say give it some time. When my gf left me, I was left in a rut because I truly loved her, yet she had the same attitude that you're having right now. Don't push it. He's definitely in lots of pain right now if he truly loved you. Just give him some space, some time, eventually he'll start calming down and start hanging out with you again, as just friends. But you need to understand, that this might take a really really long time, for me it took almost two years to be able to hang out with her "normally" as if nothing happened, yet the air is still a lil stiff between us. But it might be different between the two of you, since you were friends for a long time before getting together, so hopefully he might come in terms with it faster than I did. But just keep that in your mind, in case you really want to stay friends with him.
@Christoph56 (1504)
• Canada
25 May 09
They say, that it takes about half the length of a relationship, to move on and get past a relationship. Maybe he really did feel the same as you, seeing you two as a better pair, as good friends... but, whenever you're first in a relationship, then it gets broken apart, it's suchj a difficult time to get over, at first.
You really just need to give it time, he'll still have feelings for you for a while, but at one point in time, he'll get better with it all, and you guys can be friends again.
@yusra_jav (41)
• India
25 May 09
No actually it depends upon how one feels for the other person.I think he is sick of being in the same relation for a long time and what to enhance the relation you know.Just being friends mean that you can't be his life partner as thats what he wants. i don't know if I am explaining it properly or not. You don't want him as a life partner while he wants it. I think thats the clash.
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
25 May 09
When it comes to the past, its hard for any one to completely wipe the slate clean, that just doesnt really happen... I think its more of a forgiveness, that you are seeking... For what? The fact that you both took your relationship to the next level, and you personally did not feel that it was something that you wanted to continue.. In order to stay good friends it has to be something that is agreed upon... and maybe right now for him, keeping to the friendship line, and not more is too hard for him right now... So possiblity, he just needs space and time to adjust to the new situation.. But that does not always happen, where a person can just "drop" what happen in the past... So it is possible that you will never have that closeness again... No its not too much to act he may not be willing to give it though
@tashakau (131)
• Canada
25 May 09
I felt the same way as you nearly a year ago, I also, left my boyfriend of 14 years and a half, knowing that he had no futur together I decided to leave. We have two kids together and I let him see them or call them anytime we wants to. I thought we could remain friends but I can now see that this is too much to ask. However, I do beleive when he stops resenting me then maybe there is a chance of both of us communicating without arguing. My advice to you is give it some time.
@XxAznBoixX (81)
• Canada
25 May 09
From experience of liking a person and being rejected but still being friends with them is just very awkward. The guy is right about being reminded about what happened in the past. When those memories surface, its very painful (especially good memories).
@Reneemm (39)
• United States
25 May 09
if a couple break up and freinds can work out than go for it.nothing wrong with x/s being friends unless it wasnt a good relationship than thats different.to me why fight after no longer together most people I know with breakups are friends which is a better outcome than fighting or new relationships too as well still to remain friends in most cases. goodluck and I hope it works out for you and ur x to remain friends. better to have u in his life as a freind than not to at all :)
@4my1nonly (352)
• Philippines
24 May 09
hi claudie,,, i think you're asking too much...forgetting past is not just easy as you want...be a good friend with an ex is really hard,, what if you're the man and he was you???what would you feel??? for me, if i'm your ex i would just choose to stay away and move on...yes, its possible to be a friend again with an ex but only time will tell.....no more pain....hapy mylotting...
@suman2008 (683)
• India
25 May 09
It is not always possible for every one to remain best friend after break up.
So if your boy friend does not want to remain your best friend after your break up ,I don't see any harm in it.I think if your boy friend took the step instead of you then you might face the same consequence.
Best of luck.Have a nice day!
@jellymonty (2352)
•
25 May 09
well look at it from his point of view.. you just dumped him and he feels betrayed and rejected, so you asking him to be just friends is like inflicting more pain to him. Ofcourse he can never see you as just a friend.. you once shared a deep love so thats not just going to go away like that..
I think you need to not communicate for a while so at least that heals the wounds of bitterness that you both have against each other.. it is very unfair for you to suddenly say let's be friends after you've had a relationship.. give him time to heal from his pain and maybe in the long run you can be friends... but right now its too soon for you to assume that he will just jump on the friendship wagon..
@yoyozhou (356)
• China
25 May 09
Hi, I want to ask whether you love him or not? If you love him, you can not endure that you just be a friend of his. Maybe he loves deeper than you. Or maybe he don't want to be over in this way.I mean maybe it would make him feel better if at that time he said apart first.
So I think if he can not endure to be a friend, just keep distance.Have a nice day.
@shortegyptian (23)
• United States
25 May 09
You pretty much can but just try not to talk about the past relationship and the problems just move on and maybe he could forget too and your relationship will grow better in terms of friends and more..
