Someone please help me
By magilives
@magilives (261)
Australia
June 6, 2009 9:49pm CST
Hi,
I'm hoping there is someone out there who has been in a similar situation who can help me. I have a 15yr old girl and a 4yr old girl who just can't get along. Whenever they are in the same room together, the 4yr old screams and the 15yr old yells.
Example: This morning the 15yr old was making a honey sandwich for the 4yr old. The 4yr old screamed because she wanted the crusts cut off. (I never cut the crusts off for her) Then the 15yr old gave the crusts to the dog & the 4yr old screamed because she wanted to feed them to the dog. Then the 4yr old got upset because she said the 15yr old had not put honey on her sandwich. Meanwhile the 15yr old is yelling at the 4yr old because she is getting frustrated with her & then she walks away with the 4yr old still crying.
Another thing that happens between them is that the 4yr old wants to spend time with the 15yr old because she misses her when she is at school or at work but the 15yr old just ignores her and she ends up crying to me to get me to tell the 15yr old to play with her.
It is getting to the stage that whenever they are both at home I just hear yelling and screaming. I feel like I am going mad. I have tried to talk to the 15yr old to try to get her to stop yelling and getting angry. I have tried to talk to the 4yr old and get her to talk instead of scream.
The 4yr old is very very spoiled from birth by her Dad. He hates to hear her cry so tries to make her happy so she won't cry. I have tried to talk to him about it but he can't see what he is doing & now that he doesn't live with us any more it seems to be worse.
Any suggestions on what I can do??
2 people like this
12 responses
@Citychic (4067)
• United States
7 Jun 09
Some advice please........
Lols, I'm not trying to make light of your situation my friend but this is just plain old fashioned sibling rivalry at it's best. The age difference in the two children is so huge that it's no wonder they don't really get along. I had this problem and my children where only four years difference in their ages. What you might need to do is get yourself a good pair of ear plugs if you have to be around the two of them for a long period of time. As much as you might want them to get along realistically it's probably not going to happen not until the two of them are adults and they are able to look at their selves and accept the fact that one of them might really be spoiled and selfish. Then they will decide to put all of that away and learn to think about someone other than their self. If you don't want to have to spend a lot of money for a good psychiatrist you should invest in those ear plugs. I do it from time to time and life is a lot more peaceful for me. In the meantime you simply need to try to find things that are age appropriate for each one to keep them occupied. I have one that scrape the crust off his bread too and it was really starting to get under my skin for a while there. So now I will just fix the sandwich up and if he want to scrape the crust I just keep my mouth shut and let him do it himself. But I never encourage this kind of behavior by doing it for him....Wishing you all the best!
@magilives (261)
• Australia
8 Jun 09
Thanks, glad I'm not alone in this situation. Might have to invest in those ear plugs, lol.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
8 Jun 09
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I think I have to try and rearrange my house a bit so my teenager can have her computer in her bedroom (too many walls in between the way it is now for the internet to work in her room). I also need to set a few more boundaries for the little one before she becomes too out of control.
Thanks again.
@Citychic (4067)
• United States
8 Jun 09
Hey there, you are certainly not alone, it happens all the time even in the best of families. You are right to give the older one a little bit more space and as for the younger one you are right again if you don't put her in check the next thing you know she will be running the house. That is how they little ones do when you give them a little bit of power. They will go overboard with it every time. I got a younger sister that is trying to do that right now to my mom. Good luck and best wishes, do be sure to take some time away from both of them soon as you can get it. The older one is old enough to watch the younger one while you step out and some time to yourself! As long as you lay down some ground rules they will be just fine, you must trust the process!
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
7 Jun 09
Just ignore the 4yr old and pay more attention to the 15yr old. As it is the 4yr old is getting more than her fair share of attention from her dad, its best if you ignore her...at least she will realise that the entire world's not at her beck and call. The 15yr old cannot obviously play with the 4ys old, the mental set up is completely different.
Also the 15yr old is at a very critical age...as it is its natural for her to feel sibling rivalry and jealousy of her sister...it would be more than enough if she doesnt create any trouble on her own. She needs all your love and confidence for a few years more.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
7 Jun 09
Hi Deepak, yes seeing my timings you can make out that I have the comp at home *very happy*
Regarding this issue though, beleive me when I say that I have personal experience about two children with 10/11yrs gap between them and the elder child has become a complete failure in later life simply becuase it was neglected and not guided properly during adolescent...as the parents were more busy with the younger child. Small children naturally demand more attention and we think that the elder child should 'understand' the demands and act maturedly...problem is that the elder child is also a child at adolescent...not being an adult and being denied absolute love and attention of parents, gets on their nerves and they harbour a grudge against the parents. In this case, the younger child is already getting pampered by the father...the mother would do well to lean more towards the elder daughter.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
I don't agree with ignoring the 4yr old as her father doesn't live here, he only sees her on weekends and a couple of hours on Wednesday night.
The 15yr old is a good kid and doesn't cause any trouble. She goes to school, has a part time job and is an emergency services cadet. So her life is pretty busy. My only problem with her is that I think she spends too much time on MSN, Myspace & Facebook. She doesn't have to do much at home so she has plenty of time for herself.
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
7 Jun 09
Sudipta!
Have U got new computer at home?
secondly I am not in complete agreement with your suggestion. Ignoring the younger one who is just 4 years will not help. To my mind it is easier to make understand a 15 years old rather than a 4 years old.
Have U got new computer at home?
secondly I am not in complete agreement with your suggestion. Ignoring the younger one who is just 4 years will not help. To my mind it is easier to make understand a 15 years old rather than a 4 years old. @dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
7 Jun 09
Magilives!
I think there is age difference is causing this kind of problem. It is not easier to make understand the things to a 4 year old girl. However, your 15 years old girl needs to be educated and made aware that she should be kind with the little one and she should show compassion for her. Yelling on 4 year old girl could be counter-productive and the elder one should restrain herself. She (the elder one) needs to tell her responsibilities very discreetly and thoroughly. Some quick lessons in a very simple manner could also be given to 4 years old that she should try to obey her elder sibling and should not yell or cry. All the best to you. (It happens in many homes, do not feel disheartened.
)
)@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
I know it is the age difference that is causing the problem. I have tried talking to the 15yr old about how she should react to her sister but she forgets when she gets frustrated with her.
Happy to know it happens in many homes, I posted because I was having a bad day with the screaming happening from very early in the morning.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
8 Jun 09
The elder one needs to be handled with care and kindness, as she herself is passing through a delicate phase of her teens. However, she can be politely told that it is easier to make her understand the things then to a 4 year old girl, when the younger one grows, she can also be asked to adjust.
I can understand your predicament when face continous screaming in your house.........LOL!
@cicisnana (772)
• United States
7 Jun 09
Well, I would have the girls work out a compromise about the little one wanting to spend time with her big sister. At 15 years of age the older girl should be more understanding that the little one wants some time. But, right after school is probably a pretty stressful time for her. Give her her free time, but ask her to remember her sister once she's unwound from the day. It doesn't need to be long 15-20 minutes should be expected and really nothing more than that.
As far as the honey sandwich incident, I think you should know what you should of done about that. Spoiled or not, you should not be allowing her to act like that in your house. It's time to set guidelines with that girl, or it's going to get worse.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
My 15yr old walks home from school which takes her about 40 minutes. I just figured that was a good wind down time for her. As soon as she walks in the door my 4yr old races to see her and acts like she hasn't seen her for a week.
I know I have to set guidelines for the 4yr old and I am doing that slowly... maybe I need to speed it up. She is generally a good girl and knows that when I say something I mean it. I still give in to her sometimes though to make life easier.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
8 Jun 09
Thanks, marked you best response because of the kick in the pants I got from your last paragraph. Appreciate it.
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
7 Jun 09
I think I'd rather hear crying than screaming! Maybe you can have a family meeting where everyone is free to voice how they feel. Then if that didn't help I might try keeping them totally separated for several days with limited "in the same room" times and then begin letting them spend time together -- very supervised -- and if one starts screaming the together time is over and they have to start all over again in a few more days. That will take a lot of work on your part.. but it might be worth it... then spending time with each one alone might help too..
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
An interesting idea. The problem with that is that the 4yr old goes searching for the 15 year old if she is in a different room.
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
8 Jun 09
I understand, that's why it would be so much more work for you at first, and a lot more supervision needed for awhile. That would have to be the "rules" .. the ones that do not change until you decide it's time and the 4 yr old would have to live ithout the 15 year old. It is possible that she really likes the attention she gets from the 15 yr old even if it's "negative" attention in nature...
@pansy45 (153)
• Indonesia
8 Jun 09
i am not in your situatin'my old is just 20 years old.i haven't kid,but if i am in you situain i will try to make a new side to look after my children.i'll take a consultant from the nanny 911.cause i think you realy need.a help from someone to look after your children.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
8 Jun 09
I don't need help to look after my children, I just need advice for this particular situation.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Jun 09
Sorry....this is sibling rivalry and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. It is what it is. I have 4 girls now ranging from 32, 23,22 & 15. As far back as I can remember....there has always always been the fighting and arguing and the age difference does not seem to matter a bit. Now that they are older it is much more peaceful around here but they still have their moments. I remember when my youngest was about 7 and one of her sisters was about 16, she gave us each a list of suggestions for what we could give her for her upcoming birthday. For the sister whom she tended to argue the most with, she gave this list: For my birthday, pleez just give me respect and stop telling me "you suck" all the time. I would suggest getting earplugs or learning to like loud music. You really can't force the 15 yr old to spend time with the 4 yr old. She'll just rebel and it'll get worse. I do feel for you....I know how hard it is to listen to. It was only a couple of weeks ago that the 15yr old and the 22 yr old broke into a cat fight over something. For the most part they do get along and are close now that they are older so there is a light at the end. 
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
7 Jun 09
I get the impression that the 4yr old is trying to gain control of others by demanding what she wants and then screaming when these demands are not met.
The 15yr old may have resentments from how the 4yr old was treated (you did say she was spoilt by her Dad) and therefore finds it hard to be around her for too long. She may also be aware that her little sister is trying to control her. Maybe the 4yr old is used to having you and her father give in to her demands but not her bigger sister.
So one girl is trying to gain control of the other while the other is determined not to be controlled.
We ought to be aware that kids are pretty smart and are very good at developing their own type of survival system. You may want to observe their behaviour both individually and towards each other a bit more and base your actions of corrections accordingly. If the wrong action is taken one girl may end up being very hurt.
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
I generally don't take sides if I don't see what is happening and they both get into trouble. Thinking about it though, I probably blame the older one more because I think she should know better.
I do see your point about one trying to control and the other not wanting to be controlled (same fights I have with the little ones father... he tries to control and I don't want to be controlled)
@thenextnoel (396)
• Philippines
7 Jun 09
Hi magilives
I believe it's partly due to the age gap between them. The teenager is engrossed in her own challenges and so is the preschooler but these challenges are not on the same level. You're right in trying to talk to them both but the preschooler is still in the natural egocentric stage so she might not listen to rational conversation. Are you open to discipline (in the form of time-outs) when you're preschooler yells? I think this would make her believe that you're really serious about the rule that yelling is not allowed in the house. I think once the child gets the yelling under control the teenager can easily follow suit after another talk from you. It might also be wise to designate a specific time in which the child is allowed to play with her older sister but after that the eldest can then do her things without interruption. I know it's hard to follow this advice and I can't fully understand your situation but setting firm limits with your preschooler can go a long way with both of them getting along. I know you'll eventually be on top of the situation :)
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
Thanks for the advice, I will definitely try the time-out. She already knows what it means because they use it at daycare. I already try to give the older one some time to herself by taking the younger one outside to play.
@Niah1976 (739)
• Paranaque, Philippines
7 Jun 09
Well. maybe you can talk to your 15 yr old girl that she has to take care of her little sister. And that she have to understand and be patient with her because 4 yrs old is still too young. try to explain to your 15 yr old girl that you love her both that's why it breaks your heart to see them like that all the time.
try to have new activities that will make them enjoy each other. or like let them play in the park or maybe swim together.
hope it will help you. good luck my dear!!!!
@magilives (261)
• Australia
7 Jun 09
Thanks, I don't expect my older girl to take care of the younger one, I just want her to understand that she is only 4. I have tried to explain it but I think she forgets when she is frustrated.
@northway (53)
• China
7 Jun 09
Obviously,it is a very common but difficult thing to all parents.if you have only one child,that thing won't happen.but what i wanna know is that the 15yr old is 9yr older than his sister,why doesn't he take some care for his little sister and give her enough space to do what she wants?and i believe that the problem will be solved if only the 4yr old gets older maybe 6 or 7 years.good luck!
@flourishingflorida (33)
•
8 Jun 09
i think u should just let them work out there differences between them, as lonf as there is no violence & no one gets hurts. my sister & i were at each other's neck for the most part of our childhood (age gap was too close). nothing my parents said or did could stop it. later in life, we've found a meeting point & are not almost friends. so, really, just buy some new ear plugs & you'd be fine.
