My cousin is considering the proposal....
By subha12
@subha12 (18441)
India
June 10, 2009 5:06am CST
I think first of all I should give a small background. It is about my cousin (my aunt's daughter). She is over 30. They were trying to get her married. A new proposal have come from a family . The Man has a child of 1.5 yr. Now the mother of the kid died when the baby was 6 month old. Obviously now the family of the man wants him to be married for someone to look after the family and mainly the kid.
Now the father of the child( In this case the groom) is naturally very much attached with the kid. Now there are following points my cousin is considering
1) As the family and mostly the man wants to get married for the sake of the child, she anticipates she will be ending like someone to baby sit the child only.
2) In this case as the man is very engrossed with his child, my cousin thinks the man will never come close to anyone whom he marries. So she will be deprived of all the closeness of married life.
3) As it is purpose based the guy wants to marry, she is also thinking may be the guy can insist they will not have any child of them together.
My question is what do you think of the above situation and points?
Is it possible in this case for my cousin to get attention of the prospective husband if he marries her? or she will be treated like a baby sitter.
Can there be any intimate relation in this scenario between the husband and wife as it seems the guy is very much attracted with the deceased wife and the son(I am not saying its wrong).
Any advice welcome.
2 people like this
7 responses
@4mymak (1793)
• Malaysia
11 Jun 09
i am not sure how things are done in your culture..
if it is possible, try to get the two people concerned to talk with each other - let your cousin voice out her concerns and worries..
if that is not possible.. and since knowing the man's and his family's main concern is to have someone take care of the child.. why not, your cousin volunteers to take of the child first, like you said - babysit the child first, before committing to anything - at least they all (your cousin, the man, the family) will see if your cousin is really 'compatible' and 'competent' with the child in the first place.. and maybe in time, when 'they' spend time together without any promise of commitments - feelings will develop and grow into something good..
1 person likes this
@gogetitdear (55)
• Japan
11 Jun 09
Hi subha,
These are the common doubts in this situation.
What I think is, I dont think he is marrying only for the sake of child. He has his life to live and may he might want to share it with somebody. He can find his parents or somebody else in his own family to look after his child. Since the child is 1.5 year old, it needs mother for next 4-6 years, then his family or himself can take care of it. And your 2 and 3 points are just your thinking. It is up to your sister to take care of him and build her own family with her husband. She has to manage those things. You can ask about it directly with that guy regarding this.
May everything goes well
@gogetitdear (55)
• Japan
15 Jun 09
Are you sure he is not going to have children with your cousin?
I told before it is your cousins responsibility to take care of him and build her own family. If she and her family thinks its not possible, it is better to stop further proceedings. If you are desperate to proceed with this relation, you have convince him and his family about the situation.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
11 Jun 09
Your cousin should not go ahead with this marriage if she has any doubts. None of us can foresee the future so we can never be sure what the situation will be post marriage. The groom can become attached to your sister, the child might come to love your sister as its mother, your sister might also have a child of her own…but all these will depend on how your sister behaves. If she goes ahead with the notion that the baby is somebody else’s…she will never be able to win over either the baby or its father. You have not written whether the father stays in a joint family…if so, then life will be all the more hell for your sister as comparisons will crop up with the deceased wife and nothing your sister does will be good enough. However, if the groom is staying separate, your sister just might have a chance to mould the baby thru love and care and through it, she can win over the father’s heart. She might even have her own child one day, once the father is convinced that your sister will not neglect this baby ever. It is but natural for the father to be too much attached to this baby, but once he sees that as a mother your sister is taking good care of it, he will gradually become less possessive. It is not an easy task, to accept and love somebody else’s child as our own…specially in our Indian society where people are forever gossiping maliciously, but if your sister is confident enough, she can consider the proposal, otherwise not.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
11 Jun 09
The guy lives with his parents and the kid. I think you are right though. But the thing that strikes most is that the guy and his parents says at first only the child is the main priority and they want the guy to get married to look after the kid.The guy also says I can well love with my ex wife's memories as she is very much there in me, but his parents say they may not be able to look after the kid well as they are getting old.
@samson1967 (7414)
• India
10 Jun 09
If your cousin marries that widower, she will be sacrificing her life and surely find a place in the heart of God. Why will a guy marry just to take care of his child, he can always find a good ayah or baby take care centres. If your cousin is in the situation same as that groom, what will be your opinion.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
10 Jun 09
think he is marrying just for the sake of the baby and also there should be someone who will take care of his household. In case of finding a good ayah, I think he can't depend much on them. rather want a 'wife' who will take care of the baby.But my cousin's opinion is no way it will be any normal husband-wife relation. The guy has already mentioned the son will be always the dearest to him and his beloved wife's memory are very much with him.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
19 Jun 09
I think your cousin's parents/father should talk to him and his parents about their intention.That would help them get a better grip ofthe situation and they need not come to conclusions on speculation alone.And if your cousin is reasonably placed in life, normally even in our arranged marriage system she can make some other choice instead of choosing this especially because she is already in doubt. THis will unnecessarily spoil her peace of mind.She can as well be without marriage.On the other hand it is a known family and her father has arrived at this alliance based on some sensible information about the true state of affairs and he says so[if he is a reliable father] she can consider it after ascertaining facts from her side through her own ears.
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
10 Jun 09
Hello dear subha. Thank you for sharing with us about your cousin's considering the proposal. Let's think it in a positive way. I think that this prospective husband of your cousin's will treat her like a queen and will surely want to have another baby belonging to them after getting married because it makes a marriage more perfect to have their own child.
Of course this poor little baby of his has lost his own mom at such a young age and your cousin will have to take the responsibility to take good care of him the way like she will have to treat her own child once the marriage is a success.
In addition, it is easier for her and the baby to develop a very good mom-and-son relationship since the baby is so young without knowing much about what is happening to him. But of course, your cousin will have to think about it carefully before she chooses this marriage to be meant for her psychologically.
May your cousin enjoy a good and happy marriage!
@subha12 (18441)
• India
11 Jun 09
Its true to the positive view its something different. But I guess when they have disclosed their main need, my cousin may end up just a baby sitter for the child.Actually my cousin anticipate he will never care for her if she marries him a she is only concerned about the kid and is fully engrossed in memory of his beloved.
1 person likes this
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
22 Jun 09
Thanks so much for the BR, dear subha. I wish your cousin to enjoy her life the way she leads. May you be happy!
@mumuamumu (26)
• China
11 Jun 09
change a direction
does yr cousin bad enough to marry a man that have a kid?
i think she can find a better man
