Thoughts on Marriage and Commitment
By Pose123
@Pose123 (21635)
Canada
June 10, 2009 9:25pm CST
June is the month when more couples decide to get married than any other in the year. With the number of divorces growing at an alarming rate, would it not be wise to spend at least as much time thinking about commitment, as about planning the wedding?
Though we may make many commitments during our lifetime, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love,to bond yourself to them completely,is unlike any other and can reshape your future happiness. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind as well as with the heart.
Making the decision as to whether you should marry has to be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Often, young couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life.
6 people like this
23 responses
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
12 Jun 09
Thanks for this, it is just more reasons why I don't believe in marriage. In times past marriage was so simple. To marry someone was more of a time to have the community recognize that you were indeed a couple. Native American tribes were sometimes known to ultimately simplify the marriage process by taking the woman and having her stay the night with the man in his home... Haha. But, by doing this they were now recognized by the community as a couple and no one would come between them for their commitment. So, why do we make this into a huge issue? Why do modern couples make symbolism and fancy ceremony to be recognized by 'god' that they are now married. Why does the government want to have a record of everyone that decides to commit to eachother in such a way. If you decide to give the old ways a try you are condemed for 'living in sin' by the church and the government punishes you with the inability to file for 'cool tax writeoffs' I for one don't give a crap what the church says... nor do I really care about cool tax write offs. All I care is that the man I choose to be with is there for me in this life. I would wear a wedding band to symbolize that I'm taken and refer to him as my husband should anyone ask. Other than that, why make it a bigger deal than it has to be?
2 people like this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
12 Jun 09
Hi dismalgrin, Thank you for commending. you make a very good point and I for one have no problem with a couple living together without a marriage ceremony. I think there should be a commitment, especially if they plan to have children. I don't believe that most people realize what divorce does to children. When two people are committed to each other, other things don't matter that much. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
11 Jun 09
Going into any commitment with an excess of emotion is not a good idea, often marriage is not what either of the parties expected. It is very hard to express your goals for the future at the time of the marriage, and harder still when those goals change as they will during life's up's and down's. When you really look at it it's a wonder any marriage works for very long. Maybe we should re look at the commitment required and change the whole thing to a 5 year renewable contract.
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
10 Jul 09
well, to be honest, i think that divorce is way too easy to get in this day and age. marriage takes a lot of work by two people and if you are not willing to commit and do the work, then you should think twice about it. my hubby and i have been married for 21 years and not all the years have been easy to be sure!
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
11 Jun 09
I like your mature description on this topic, Pose. You have highlighted some important issues and what strikes me the most is that when you mentioned about when the honeymoon period is over. That's when all the real deal falls into place and you are left with the real person that you choose to marry.
I'm pretty inexperienced in this, but I would love to make it right someday. Honestly, commitment, responsibility and love for the person you marry is important. There are different ingredients to make a dish delicious, and I believe, with the correct ingredients in a marriage, one may be happy till the end of their lifetime.
@bing28 (3795)
• Philippines
11 Jun 09
Marriage is sacred as others would say and once you get married you are committed. Right, Pose, it's wise to spend atleast as much time tinking about commitment and planning the wedding. Knowing each other more before getting married is also needed, so each one has been quite adjusted to each other so less misunderstanding could happen. Planning the wedding comes after you get decided of living the rest of your life with the man or woman you're sure you love. I agree love is a prerequisite of a strong and stable married life, as it is one reason why people get married. It is when the two parties each take care of their love for each other to have it grow fonder as time goes. What made their married life stable is their love, commitment and responsibility for each other and to the family they're having. Their compatibility and well adjustments for each other, contribute a lot for a smooth relationship. Being responsible is securing a good way of living in their married life. Most of those unsuccessful married lives comes from the immature or teens who rush into marriage because of unexpected pregnancy, unknowing more of each other's attitude and same unadjusted yet to each other, not even realizing their incompatibilities. Good we don't have divorce in the Phils. so as much as possible husbands and wives patch up their differrences in order to preserve their marriages and avoid separating ways. Though there is a legal separation but very minimal goes with this process. Marriage must take place to both parties who are sure of each other's feelings, ready for the commitment and prepared for the responsibility towards married life. Each one must accept and fully known each other and their families as well. Their focus and priorities must be for each other and the family they're starting.
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
1 Jul 09
Pose-
We just attended a wedding at the start of the month and I have to wonder the same thoughts about young couples today. I have to wonder if they are truly prepared for the ins and outs of marriage, and the fact that it is not always perfect. I have to wonder when they get done with the elaborate wedding, reception, and honeymoon if they are prepared for the hardwork ahead as they live together, work, and enter the real world.
I think far too often a lot of couples are disillusioned by the glamour of the wedding. Not to say a lovely wedding isn't appropriate, but that is not all there is to marriage. I think at times young couples today may benefit from meeting with and observing older couples who have been with each other for ages. To see what day to day life is like, and how decisions are reached and so forth.
I'm certainly not perfect, nor is my spouse. However, we've spent years being friends before we ever got married, and I think that has helped a great deal. In counseling new couples that we're to marry, we make sure they understand that this is work, it's not just something we should enter into lightly.
I personally think that if one is going to enter into such a committment one might want to observe the person when in a crisis. How we handle ourselves in times of crisis reveals a great deal about our character.
Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Jun 09
My husband and I discussed a lot of things before we got married. He had been married a few times before, and I had never been married. i was determined to get it right the first time, and he was determined that this would be his last marriage. it's a good thing we did, because now we can handle almost anything.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Jun 09
My husband and I discussed a lot of things before we got married. He had been married a few times before, and I had never been married. i was determined to get it right the first time, and he was determined that this would be his last marriage. it's a good thing we did, because now we can handle almost anything.
1 person likes this
@Galena (9110)
•
11 Jun 09
an excellent post.
we're getting married in September, after the best part of a decade together.
in the path I was raised in, an Oath is a very very big deal.
when you make an Oath it marks your soul permanantly. if that Oath is broken, the mark is still there, like a scar on your soul.
this isn't to say that no one should ever divorce. rather that enormous consideration to the enormity of what you are doing is very important. because even if you try your best, but don't keep it, you will carry its mark forever.
1 person likes this
@meiyeec511 (405)
• Malaysia
11 Jun 09
Different person have different thoughts.
I will be agree to spend some time to think for the marriage and commitment. These are whole life matters. It's worth to spend little time to think about it.
1 person likes this
@thenextnoel (396)
• Philippines
11 Jun 09
A close relative of mine is also getting married this year :) Marriage ideally must be taken only after knowing a person well, it's not an easy job getting divorced.
1 person likes this
@puneetchhokra (214)
• India
11 Jun 09
marriage is a big decission so it is always be a very careful about that..once if we do this it depends on us that how we fulfil our thoughts or commitments..Most of the time,time changes after wedding if ur not getting understood with ur partener...and it sown a seed of apartness...so be always careful for ur commitments and thoughts if u r planning for wedding
@tundeemma (894)
• South Africa
11 Jun 09
i think marriage break-ups and divorces are growing on an alarming rate because people do not base their marriages on true love and perhaps they dont know the hidden characters in each other before they get marriage, people also tend to change overtime and when couples do not have the spirit of perseverance they will definitely fall out
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
11 Jun 09
Very well put Pose. I am getting married in September, however, not exactly a 'young' bride lol. since I'm 49. I've been through 3 divorces and don't plan on having anymore. However, my fiance and I both agree, it's a partnership, friendship, as well as an emotional relationship. We both have a great amount of respect for the other, but we also know there will be ups as well as downs. We do have an advantage of being able to tell the other anything, and discuss everything openly. Yes, we are committed to each other, as well as our families. And that committment runs deeper than just a ceremony, a ring, and a party. I agree with you, a lot of young couples, that's all they see, is the 'fun' part of planning a wedding, not the long term partnership.
1 person likes this
@Carpathian (582)
• United States
11 Jun 09
You know I like what you said and their is something I think people should think about. I saw a T.V. Show that I thought more people should make their young couples do before they do get married. The adults made the young soon-to-be married couple live in a house with kids and take care of that and a job. You know the thing us adults call, "Life!" Well, the Adults could watch the Young adults with camera's in all the rooms and they could make sure their kids where taken care of at all times. But, the thing I liked most is when things started to get tough you could see who could handle being an adult and who could not and wanted out. A lot of the young adults said, "they where glad they did it so they cold see how things would go before they really had kids and got married and could not get out of it as easy as this class." I think High Schools should offer the class so that many young couple can sign up and see for themselves if they are really ready for Life!
**Peace and Love get's you through everything in Life**
1 person likes this
@vivianchen (2646)
• China
11 Jun 09
Hi Pose,
I agreed all your opinions. Especially" If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional gaps in your life". I am getting married at the end of this year, in Dec. I've thinking a lot and ask myself alot about the question above. In my opinion, my to-be-husband is not mature enough, do you think become a family will help him to grow?
1 person likes this
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
11 Jun 09
Indeed, you've got a lot of truth in here. I see it very often. One of my friends was dating someone for about a month and, at 18, she was engaged to him and planning on getting married in the next 2 months. I thought it was ridiculous.
I do want to point out that there are some young people that know what they're doing, even though elders are always thinking we don't know what we're doing and that we'll regret it later.
I, for one, am getting married in July. I'm 18 and so is he. We've been dating for a year and a half. But we've also been best friends since 6th grade and we've known each other (and each other's family) since kindergarten. Our parents have known since about third grade that we'd get together eventually (his mom always told him since third grade that he should ask me out).
Some people say we're making a mistake getting married so young. My father for one and his father, too, because their marriages didn't work out. Our mothers were happy and expected it since we started dating. My grandparents were worried that I wouldn't finish college, but I'm still going and planning on having a career, like I always figured. Nothing's changed except now I have a life-long pet. ;)
Anyway, I just thought I'd point out that sometimes getting married young isn't a bad thing, it just has to be approached carefully. We've lived together for 8 months now and we've been like a married couple thus far, so we figured we'd make it legal. Doesn't change anything except now we're stuck with each other for life...and he can finally get health care so that he can go to the dentist and get his teeth taken care of like he needs to!
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
12 Jun 09
Hi phyrre, Thank you for commenting and for pointing that out. I agree that some people are more mature at 18 than others are at 30. You seem to have known each other for a long time and that is a definite plus. Some of the happiest couples I know married young, but they were ready for the commitment, I hope that you and your husband-to-be are as well. I wish you a long and happy life together and may you always feel as you do now. Blessings.
@kelly_hello (132)
• China
11 Jun 09
really gorgeous thougth..
love is eternity...commitment is not through seeking but only be found by accident.
Jesus...God bless me...\
@jules67 (2788)
• Philippines
11 Jun 09
With the high percentage of divorce, a lot of people are still getting married.
So, you can surmise that people still believe in love and marriage. The tie that binds two people forever. Like what you said, getting married is really simple but staying married takes a lot of hard work from the couple themselves. Along with marriage, comes commitment. One can not get married without commitment. It is a two-way street, it is give and take. It takes two to tango. Couple has to have the same wavelength as far as marriage is concerned. Yes, honeymoon stage will wear off eventually. But, the couple need to make their married life fun, and exciting. The two active participants should grow in it together.
