Still Friends After Marriage.
@danishcanadian (28953)
Canada
June 14, 2009 2:58am CST
An interesting thing happened to me this evening. I was reading my e-mail, when a familliar screenname popped up on my Yahoo messenger. It was the guy i was "seeing" before I met my husband. Our relationship was really more of a "friends with benefits" kind of thing, and we both knew it. After my parents divorce, I promised myself that no matter how casual the relationship, I'd never be with someone I coudln't be friends with after. In time I met my husband, and got married. I unexpedly ran into my friend one night here in town, and he wanted to know what I was up to. I told him I'd gotten married. Even though my hsuband was working out of the country at the time. I knew I could trust him enough to give me the ride home he offered. My husband knew about him, and trusted me enough to know that I had done the right hting (it was midnight, and I coudln't find a taxi! I dind't want to get stuck where I stood). He dropped me off at my back door (we only drove about a mile) and I went in alone.
Well, tonight he popped up on my Yahoo, and we started talking.. just casual stuff. How are you, how is life with your husband, that kind of stuff. My husband knew that because of my friend's background (he's not from North America) we had some very interesting political discussions, and that it might be fun if the THREE of us met for coffee, one day. He also told me how impressed he was that I was able to be with someone who understood that although our situation had totally changed, we would remain friends, "without the previous benefits." LOL Of course! I'm married now, and my husband and I have found all we need in EACHOTHER.
Are you able to remain close friends with a previous relationship, be it a casual encounter, friends with benefits, or even a previous serious relationship or marriage? How does your current partner feel about this situation? Would you be honest with your partner about the chat?
Not only did I tell my husband we were chatting right then, but I copied and pasted the transcript of the chat into a blank e-mail, and sent it to him, because I would hope he'd owe me the same courtesy if a previous relationship contacted him. Just so he could know the other person a little better, not because trust was an issue.
Thoughts? Comments?
6 people like this
17 responses
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
14 Jun 09
yes I have always stayed friends with my x's it is great that there is no baggage and we can just be friends. My mate, Matt is even friends with one of my x's as well. That is is happily married and there are no romantic feelings between us at all. It did take matt quite a well to understand that though because he finally did.
4 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
14 Jun 09
That you could copy and paste the conversation and give it to your husband says that you are just friends.The trouble starts whwn a partner has to hide that they ae talking to their ex.I think it is easier to return to being just friends if you were friends to start with.
2 people like this
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
15 Jun 09
It is great that the two of you are still friends, and that the two of you keep it as such. I would do my best to be honest with my spouse about everything.
1 person likes this
@gitfiddleplayer (10362)
• United States
15 Jun 09
I'm not friends with anybody I used to date.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I recently ran into the guy I was with before hubby on Facebook. The guy doesn't know I saw his Facebook page, but I showed it to hubby.
I don't know what would happen if we ran into each other in public or if he messaged me. I think I would be allright with it, because I'm not really upset or anything about how we broke up. We were both young and did a lot of stupid things. He cheated on me a lot, but I did stupid things to, and honestly if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have fallen for my husband who I knew would be 100% faithful.
My hubby though is a little insecure, especially when it comes to this guy, so we certainly wouldn't have any sort of friendships or coffee gatherings going on.
1 person likes this
@virtualmirage (494)
• United States
15 Jun 09
I think being able to stay friends with an ex is a wonderful idea, if it doesn't get sticky of course. Some men are unable to have women "friens" so as long as they are able to stick to that, then its awesome.
And the fact that you can do that and share it with your husband is also super. Some men are so jealous that they would not like this or will even forbid it.
I am in a relationship that allows me to be able to have male friends and no one is killing someone else and no one is dying of jealousy.
My exhusband was a phsyco who would not even allow me to look up or else I was staring at someone or flirting. I lived like that for 7 years and believe me it was like living in hell. And most of the times the jealous person is that way because they are out there doing the things that they are blaming you for.
So lets enjoy the fact that we have normal sane realtionships and I wish you all the same.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (18366)
• Orangeville, Ontario
14 Jun 09
That's a definite no on my part. After my ex left (and I could never be friends with that abusive guy who, thankfully, left the province), I met a guy whom I dated for three months. He saw the opportunity to be with a girl he had been wanting for awhile so he dumped me. One of his friends "picked me up", so to speak. (Funny, we were just talking about this the other day too.) The first guy, though he didn't want me, couldn't stand to see me with the second guy. The second guy, knew I was still hung up on the first guy and didn't have a problem with that. I know the first guy was probably a rebound after my ugly marriage, but I was still attracted to him. The second guy didn't care as long as he was getting "his benefits" as you say, though I think he liked me as a person. I liked him but wasn't crazy about his lifestyle. He was quite the romancer.
I ended out back with the first guy who I have been married to for almost 12 years! We haven't seen the second guy in years but would be friendly if either of us saw him. He was a friend to both of us so it wouldn't be a matter of me seeing a guy I had been with before because my husband was best friends with him before I met either one of them.
Complicated? It gets worse... I got pregnant in the middle of all that. But I won't go into that. I honestly don't think my husband would like it much if I was friends with one of the few guys I saw in my lifetime, and I sure as heck wouldn't want him being friends with any of the women he had been with. The mental images alone make me sick.
1 person likes this
@angel_of_charm (4134)
• Philippines
14 Jun 09
In my case I believe that's cool for as long as the partner is not being intimidated by the other party, if the ex is polite enough to just be a friend and nothing more. Sometimes partners do not understand that and with that we have to have distance with the other party.
As for me, I guess I can't do that. I'm the type of person who can't be close enough with an ex because if so I'm not able to manage the feeling. Getting close may lead to trouble and falling again. I easily develop feelings back and so I keep my distance once I'm in a relationship as I know myself better.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
14 Jun 09
Oh my gosh! My husband would flip a wig (if wore one) if he knew I talked to an ex anything of mine!! You're very lucky to have a very understanding husband like that but no way in hell would mine be understanding, he'd be down right angry and angry as hell! He's a good man and very very good to me and knowing how he feels about my "past" I honor his wishes and stay in the future, no pun intended.
1 person likes this
@glesil_00 (1142)
• Philippines
14 Jun 09
If the husband is really understanding he will understand you and that is good. But if he is not, it make him to be jealous knowing the fact that he is far from you.
It is not a guarantee that you copied and paste it because still you can edit it before you can send.
It is hard because of your distance, maybe it is okay but if it will continue, and if things get serious and your friend feel something more for you even he knew you are married, it can affect your marriage.
If your friend is also far from you and there is no chance for you to meet, that is just fine, but if you have chance to see even you feel just plain friendship, it is awkward to see that you are befriend with him. If your friend and husband are really friends and your husband trust you and what you are doing it is okay to continue with your friendship in your friend.
1 person likes this
@neha2k94u (406)
• India
14 Jun 09
Well dear I think Marrying a friend is great, Coz you know everything about each other things get great...
What I believe if you marry a friend then Life's a party...
Move On ...
Have nice time dear...
1 person likes this
@xannebull (1793)
• Philippines
14 Jun 09
i appreciate you for being faithful with your husband, even though he works far from you , still you think of him and make him as your priority. it's good to be friend with your ex, and i think you have to set a limitations for him, to avoid the feeling of love again.
1 person likes this
@icesmile (7160)
• Romania
14 Jun 09
I like your way to be good friend with an ex...but not all time can be possible, you know people are different, and situations are different, i was married many years, and i am divorced many years too...but i never was friend with my ex husband, and we don t was in love too...because we finish in a ugly divorce, never talk after divorce are 10 years and we never talk again...and i wish never see him again too...
But i was in a relation for few years with a man who i loved very much was my life man...but never friend with him too...and is very courious because i am a very friendly person...
@xoxcharityxox (567)
• United States
14 Jun 09
In your case it seems just fine. I think it's okay as long as every one is on the same page. My husband tried remaining friends with his ex wife and that didn't work out. There were too many issues because she still had some feelings for him and was jealous. I have exes that i could easily be friends with and some I couldn't. Mostly due to personality though.
1 person likes this
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
14 Jun 09
I think that is wonderful that you guys have that
kind of trust because a relationship without trust
has no future.
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
28 Jun 09
I have someone from a previous relationship who pops onto my chat screen or calls me on the phone every once in a while and we can talk about most anything as though he was here yesterday even though it has been a few years ago. When we first split it was with very bad feelings but after a while we both got over it, for the most part, and we have again become friends. I am not currently in a relationship, but I think that I would tell whoever about him so that there were no secrets between us. If it was a problem then it would have to be the end of it since it isn't as important a friendship as a loving relationship would be. I was also married twice before but have not talked to either of my ex-husbands over the years. I did stay in touch with the my first ex for our children's benefit, but he has disappeared from them and wasn't a part of their lives while they were growing up.
