Why Can't Love Be Enough?
By leenie50
@leenie50 (3992)
United States
June 26, 2009 12:59pm CST
As some of you know, I've been thinking of doing this post for days. I've procrastinated because my feelings and thoughts seem to change on a daily basis.
Here is my dilemma. My hubby and I married 5 years ago. We met on Match.com. 2 years ago his Mom and only Sister died within 3 weeks of each other. Then he was laid off from his job. The only family he has left is his brother who he does not get along with because his brother is a mean son of a gun. When hubby lost his Mom and Sister whom he loved dearly, something changed in him. He was very angry with his Sis for not quitting smoking and died from lung cancer at 53. He started withdrawing and losing his temper at little to nothing frequently. He gets so angry that he throws things and calls me names and blames me for everything that goes wrong. Then when he calms down, he acts like nothing happened. He doesn't remember saying mean things and doing half the things he does. Some of my family thinks he's a jerk. They think I'm crazy for loving him. Well, I believe he is Bipolar. Both his Dad and Brother were Bipolar.
I know a lot about Bipolar Disorder because my Son is Bipolar. I adopted my Son from birth and knew very little of his family history. We didn't know he was Bipolar till he was 16 and almost committed suicide. He now is living a very productive life. I am trying to get my husband to get some help but he doesn't believe he needs any help except to get a job. He's been out of work for 2 years and wouldn't that affect any man's sanity? I say man because he feels like a failure for not being able to provide for me. Yes, I could be wrong about the Bipolar but I love him enough to stick by him. How could I walk away from him because he has a mental disorder? Even though he gets angry, they are momentary outbursts and I don't feel physically threatened just verbally. But because I know why he has these outbursts, I don't take them personally. That doesn't mean that they don't upset me. Sometimes I get really angry and start yelling back. I really believe that one of these days he'll get the help he needs. Until then, when he has a little wacky tobacky he's happy go lucky. So would you walk away from someone you love if he or she had a mental disorder? Hugssss to you all.
leenie
7 people like this
26 responses
@sarahrainbow (162)
• China
26 Jun 09
I'm sorry to hear your story.
If my loved one suffered from a mental disorder, I think I would try my best to help him cured. That's also what I think you should do. Perhaps you can ask others ,like your son, who is an convincing example, or other friends of your husband to persuade him to receive help from doctor. It's not worst to suffer some mental disease but it's really worst if you let it be. It would do harm to your marriage and life sooner or later even if you are in deep love. Life is realistic and no one can always endure psychological torture however strong he is. Love is the source for you to help out, but sometimes love cannot be enough. You really need to do something to change.
Good luck.
3 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Sarah,
I wish I had others to help me in this situation but he doesn't make friends very easily. He is a private type of person. Since I'm not working anymore, I don't have any close friends either. We have been happy with each other until he lost his job and we are both without outside stimulation. He really does need to go back to work.
leenie
1 person likes this
@sarahrainbow (162)
• China
1 Jul 09
Hi, I am too busy to come back but you're always in my thoughts. I wonder how things are going on now?
I think Irishfrndly65 said well:"Many 'mental disorders' are curable, but the person has to seek the cure". Being unemployment easily makes a man feel himself like a loser, and a new job perhaps makes things better, but I don't think it's an eternal solution. We can possibly suffer any bad fortune in life which may leads to the bad state of a Bipolar. I know it's difficult for you to persuade your husband into receiving doctors' help; but if he didn't, things might remain all the same and you can't really help out.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Have you checked to see if he may have had a stroke of some kind? That can go undetected and also cause personality changes. Personally, I would be more concerned about his lack of work than anything else right now. Is he holding out for some pie-in-the-sky perfect job or can he truly find no work at all?
With all respect to you, it is naive to think that someday he will get the help he needs when he doesn't believe he needs any. As you age together, experience proves that it is more likely he will get worse than better. Of course you will do what you feel you need to do, but know this: it may be much harder to walk away 10 or 20 years down the road than it is now. Please always have a backup plan ready and enough cash on hand to execute it. And in the mean time, please do not take abuse. If you allow yourself to be mistreated it will only escalate.
3 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
drannhh,
If my husband doesn't get the help he needs, then it is just a matter of time before I call it quits. He really has tried to get a job. He is a highway designer but never got his degree. In this economy, this has made it impossible to get a job. He loves his work and would take anything at this point. About 2 and a half years ago he had to have a stint in one of his arteries. At that time he was told he had had a heart attack previously. His blood pressure goes sky high when he gets angry. a stroke is always possible. I'm more concerned about him hurting himself than him hurting me.
Don't worry, I'm not taking this lightly. Thank you for all your help. I will not close my eyes to reality. Hugssss
leenie
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
26 Jun 09
No I wouldn't. If you love him my friend, as I can see you do, then you'll stick with him and work with him for as long as it takes. As you say, it only lasts for moments at a time, and it sounds to me as though this is the way he deals with his grief for his Mom and his Sister. He feels alone in the world... oh, I know he has you but he's only been with you for five years, whereas he was with his Mom and Sister for a lifetime. Do try to encourage him to get at least some counselling, if not visit a doctor because it can be slowed down, rather than the possibility of things getting worse.
We all have these trials in life, some worse than others, I know, but we have the reserve and the strength to fight our way through them and to help others by taking their hand and leading them through. This is how I would treat your situation were I in the same boat. Love conquers all, my friend. Never forget that.
In the meantime, I'll keep you in my thoughts and send you energies that you might find the strength to pull you both through this dark patch of your lives. Brightest Blessings, dear friend... your friends are here should you need to talk, and I am here and on the Den if you wish to PM me at any time. Take care. xx
@Darkwing (21583)
•
27 Jun 09
Thank you Leenie, for your kind words. If I can brighten one friend's cloudy day, then I am happy! I can understand that losing his only two close family members would have such a devastating effect on your husband, and I think it's just a matter of time before he completes his grieving process and comes to accept that he needs to concentrate on building his relationship with you now. It takes some people longer than others but with a bit of TCL and coaxing out into the beautiful, natural world, I'm sure you can help him to accept his great loss. It's one thing losing your mother, but when you lose your only sister too, it must leave the biggest hole imaginable in your life, despite knowing you have a wife who loves you dearly. Try to replace some of the childhood fun and fanciful dreams that his mother gave him, and I'm pretty sure everything will come together. I'm sure the boredom of being at home all the time, without a job, makes him feel pretty useless as well, but if you show him that this doesn't matter too much to you, and that you know he yearns to do his best by you, he will come around.
It could be BiPolar but I really think that he just comes to the point where he feels really lost, and he vents his anger with the world on the person who loves him the most. The tears you mentioned show that he really cares for you and doesn't want you to leave. It takes a lot for a man to shed tears, and I think if you walk away from him now, he'll have lost all purpose in life. Stay strong my friend, and stand by him through his darkest time. Things will get better with time, but unfortunately, there's no measuring the time it will take. You're his Guardian Angel now... yes, you probably were meant to care for people and this is why your paths crossed in the first place. So, prove to the powers that be that you were the right choice, as we all know you were! My energies are winging their way to you right now, my friend... use them, and remember that any time you want to talk, I'm here for you. xxx
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Darkwing, you are such a bright spot in my day. Everyone has been so caring but you have said what is in my heart. I love this man and I want to help him, whatever it takes. As I said, I don't feel any physical threat from him. He feels the loss of his Mom and Sister so badly. I can't replace them. He and his Sister were closer than my twin and I. They understood each other better than most couples who have been married for 50 years. Those losses really broke this man. I'm all he has in this world and he knows it and has cried at the thought of losing me. I know the goodness he has inside. Somehow I will get through to him.
Thank you my precious friend. You are a real blessing. I will keep in touch. Hugssss
leenie
2 people like this
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
27 Dec 09
Leenie how was your marriage for the first five years? Did he display this kind of behavior in those first five years? Is it possible you just ignored the behavior before because maybe he showed some restraint that he isn't showing now for some reason? Something to think about. This must be so hard and so sad for you. It is hard to watch someone you love act so cruel. You said in one comment that he might not have gone to the counselling session. You could be right and I would do everything you could to make sure he is being honest about things. If he is not being honest with himself about his problems; it is a guarentee that he is not being honest with you. That's what I believe. I was in this situation with my exhusband many years ago. He lied and lied and lied about things until I started saying I want the doctor to call me or I am coming with you to the appointment even if I have to wait in the waiting room with you. Tough situation for you. I pray you do what is right for you and all works out for the best.
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
2 Jan 10
Hi Coffee,
I am so sorry it has taken me so long to answer. No excuses from me. Well we have only been married for 6 years now. There were a couple of incidences wherre he lost his temper while we we just dating. I was a bit surprised by his anger and decided to watch and see. This being out of work for so long is the main reason for his out bursts right now. His behavior really doesn't fit bipolar behavior. The episodes don't happen very frequently and they are over very quickly. He really tries not to take his anger out on me. He's never been violent except to throw something. I don't think he lies all the time. In fact I can tell when he's pulling my leg. Thanks for all your advice and have a Happy New Year.
Leenie
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
26 Jun 09
If he won't get the help he needs then yes I would leave him. The reason is and especially, if he can't seem to remember throwing things and calling you names then what happens if he kills you? Just because you leave him doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. It means you're leaving to protect yourself until he gets past this "manhood" or "pride" crap and seeks help. Sometimes a shocker is the way to wake up a person and leaving him will do the trick but, will it get him to seek help? That remains to be seen.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
26 Jun 09
You are welcome to come and stay with me if you like. You can bring your little pooch too. lol I have 4 dogs but 3 are inside/outside dogs so I can completely understand your plight. Now I looked at mapquest and it's only 10 hours from your area so there's your option....
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
I agree with you Mary Beth but I have a problem of where to go and a car to get there. My car is broken down and the only person who might possibly take me in for a few days is my twin but she doesn't want my little dog in her house. Besides, she's very controlling. my wish would be not to involve my family. Hubby is working on my car right now so hopefully that will not be a problem soon. From there I'll have to see what happens. I just wish I had one friend here. My friends are in other states.I will keep you posted. Hugsssss
leenie
2 people like this
@happy2512 (1266)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
You really is inlove with your husband. have you tried talking to him & made him understand why you requested him to get help. My situation is different from you. only my husband is not treated by my in laws as their brother or son. Its really a pity because he tends to be doing something that would really not work out on them.
2 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
26 Jun 09
My son just told his wife that she either gets help for her mental illness or he is history....and he meant it....and do you know what? She did! And I can't believe the difference in her...and their little girl who was so stressed all the time from all the bickering that was going on....sometimes you have to give someone a kick in the pants.....just loving them isn't enough to motivate them to seek help....I would certainly lay it on the line though if it gets bad! Good for you for sticking it out!
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Hi Jill,
I keep talking to him after he blows up and telling him exactly how he behaved and how I feel about it. I want him to hear about his behavior even though he doesn't want to hear it. He needs to know so that when the time comes when I walk out the door he will know why. I know I am delaying the inevitable but everything in it's own time. Thanks sweetie. Hugsss
leenie
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Nov 09
leenie he does need help;. with medication he will be productive
and happy again. it really does help them so much. I have a friend here at my lot who is bipolar and he takes medication, and he is just the nicest person and smartest person you
would ever meet. No I would not walk away from a person who
is bipolar, just get him to a doctor and get him on medication
it does make all the difference in the world. I know first hand
how demeaning it can be for any man to be out of work, my own son is out of work for almost a year now, and it is grinding on him although he does not talk about it. I am his mom, and I can tell.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
17 Nov 09
Hi Hatley,
For a man like my hubby and your Son, they take being out of work personally, as if it's their fault and not the economy. They don't really want to talk about it, so it causes them to to lose their temper. I'm not saying your son loses his temper but a lot of men do. Right after I posted this discussion, I told my hubby that if he didn't get a grip on his temper that I would not tolerate it. And I made it very clear. He has been trying very hard not to let things get to him. I still think he may be bipolar but he says the doctor said he was not.
leenie
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Dec 09
hi leenie that is good news then as he will not have to be taking medications. I hope for both my son and your husband that they get some really good jobs this coming year. Happy New Year Leanie.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
23 Nov 09
Your husband is really a very lucky man to have such a happy go lucky wife. I read your post about your home being foreclosed on. With the economy the way it is it's hard for people to find work, or to keep their job, not to mention pay the bills or even simply buying groceries. Added Stressors, whether they be past or present can also make it harder on anybody, but can certainly cause a breakdown whether severe or not, or whether momentary or extensive, it's still a painful situation.
I hope your husband gets the help he needs, but he may just need a new job to help him, or a hobby. Stay The Way You Are, Happy Go Lucky in such a messed up world is definitely a blessing!
Have a wonderful day!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
30 Nov 09
I pray that he finds permanent work soon, Christmas is fast approaching!
I hope my husband or I will be able to keep our jobs, but I feel my husband's job is a needed one and unless he does something terribly wrong, he'll keep. Mine own is a much needed job, though I haven't started yet.
I pray we all have much needed professions so as to keep our jobs!
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
23 Nov 09
Hi again Cowgirl,
My husband has had a much harder time of this situation simply because he feels like he has let me down by not working and taking care of me financially. He didn't ask to lose his job but he still has that male ego that won't allow him to feel otherwise. Also, he doesn't have an optimistic view on life as I do. Holding onto my Faith in God and believing that everything happens for a reason, helps me to keep going from day to day.
I hope and pray that you and your hubby never have to experience what we've been through. Thanks for your response.
Leenie
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
26 Jun 09
No.. I wouldn't walk away. I would limit the abuse I took though. I am bad about taking things personally and I don't know if I could handle a lot of verbal abuse. I know it has to be tough and I hate it for you. I do understand though that it may be an illness. There has to be something that has him seek help. If he knows this disorder runs in his family, he should definatley seek assistance. You know it will only get worse if he doesn't. Especially since you have been through this illness you are suspecting with your son. Maybe if he realizes how much it is hurting you..he will do it.
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
27 Jun 09
Hi Jen,
It hurts me to see what it does to him. I worry that he will stroke out, or have a heart attack. My Son is stable now with his meds. but my husband is in his late 50's with heart problems and asthma. When I see his face turn red the first thing I fear is stroke.
He knows how much it hurts me and I know it hurts him but at this point, he's not ready to face his denial. Thanks so much for your input Jen. It really does help. Hugsssss
leenie
1 person likes this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
28 Jun 09
It's really hurt to go away from someone you love. It's hurt to say, that I will walk away not because I didn't love that person or because of disorder he/she have? Yes! We need to go away for the sake of our safety. Since show's that he/she is not curable on that disorder we need to accept the fact you lost the person whom you love the most. I think there's a time to heal our painful heart because of that happen. It is really that there are circumstances that we cannot avoid. Like that happen to your love. Hindrances in our love affairs is always confront us. All of us, experience troubles and we need to be strong to face all that irregularities in our life...Now, didn't you continue to love him, even he's suffer from mental disorder?
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
aerous,
You are right but I choose at this point to stay and help him through this difficult time in his life. We have a strong bond with our love for each other. It's not time for me to leave. Now is when he needs me most. Thanks for your thoughts.
leenie
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
2 Jul 09
aeros,
You sound like a very loving and kind man and husband. I am so sorry to hear that your wife does not take care of you when you are in need. I know care giving is not an easy thing for some people but when you make your marriage vows, they should mean something.
some men have a more difficult time being a care giver. My husband was raised to believe that the wife is suppose to take care of the husband when ill. He isn't very patient when I'm ill. But he is a good man at heart and is trying very hard to control his anger. Since he lost his job, he has just let himself lose control of his anger. When I told him he had to keep control or get help I see him not losing control. He really is trying.
I hope your wife comes to realize what a good husband you are. Take care of yourself.
leenie
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
30 Jun 09
If that is your decision I will respect my friend. That's the right thing to do. It is the time needed you, most. My experience is worst than that but I stand stronger. In my case: I don't do anything hurt, to the one I love but being a good person to her. I give everything to please that person but she go in a foreign land through my help. When I was down, she's not supported but give me more hopeless condition. She never support me, and trying to push me down instead helping me. That is why my business lost because of frustrations and disappointment that's why I believe your opinion your great person. You know how to value the relationship that you built together...You should talk each other in a better ways and find out what is lacking on that relationship to bolder it again. Try to build fences that prevent you from any harm in your relationship...If something that I can help please don't hesitate to ask for my advice. take care
1 person likes this
@greeneyedlady (1439)
• Netherlands
27 Jun 09
Hi Leenie! I am so sorry to hear that you are having such problems and I know that you don't need them. It is not good for your health and I know that you are suffering also what with the loss of your husbands job and income.
Normally I do not respond to relationship discussions but since it is your discussion I will put my 2 cents in, Knowing that You will not crucify me like most people do during relationship discussions!
As a general rule, I think that when someones spouse get sick, whether it be mental or physical, you should not leave them for this as you married them in sickness and in health.
But in having said that, I also think there are exceptions to every rule!
While I feel sad for your husband for his losses it is also effecting you and your health. Not only that but it scares me when you state that he does not remember what he does! This seems like a very dangerous situation for you to be in because even though now he may not be physically hurting you now, in the future he very well may be, and not even realize it! It appears as though he just blanks out and come what may with yelling, screaming and throwing things.
It is a well known fact that mental abuse is sometimes much worse than physical abuse and when he starts throwing things if he is blanking out then he may throw something and hit you with it, I am not saying it would be on purpose, but if he throws something heavy enough and hits you in the head you very well may leave him and everyone else on this Earth that loves you, if you get my drift.
With all of my heart when I think that a situation is threatening to me in any way then Yes, I would definitely leave the person, Especially when they refuse to get help. And if they told me they had a doctors appointment to see if something is wrong...you better believe that I would be at that doctors appointment with them just to see for myself what the doctor says. I don't trust anyone that may possibly have a mental disorder to tell me the truth about any doctors appointment until they get the problem under control.
I hope this helps a bit and I truly hope things go better for you in the future. You are in my thoughts I promise you! 
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Hi Greenie,
You are such a sweet and caring friend, I can't imagine anyone wanting to crucify you for your thoughts. When someone posts a discussion, they most certainly should be ready for others opinions. Don't ever worry about me, I treasure your thoughts. I also treasure your caring.
I realize that hubbies outbursts affects my health but as long as I don't feel physically threatened then I can't turn my back on him.
If and when I talk him into seeing a doctor, you can bet I'll be there. Thank you so much for caring. Hugsss
leenie
1 person likes this
@greeneyedlady (1439)
• Netherlands
1 Jul 09
I also treasure all of the caring that you have shown me for so long make no mistake about it!
I am glad that you will continue to work on your Hubby and try to get him to the doctor so hopefully things will get better for the both of you and work out well in the end. I am Also Very Happy that you told me you would be there at the doctor with him...that should ease your mind some also!
Good luck and you will remain in my thoughts!
1 person likes this
@ledydien (85)
• Indonesia
27 Jun 09
I wouldn't walk away from someone i love if he had a mental disorder. I would always stay besides him and help him. But, the 1st thing that i have to do is to make him realize that he has a mental disorder (especially if we know that it's genetic), after he believe that he has mental disorder we can meet a psychologist to help him. If he already realize and he wants to get helped everything will be easier. How to make him realize it? Maybe you can record a video about what he did, you put a minicam in your house then let him watch what he did before when he's normal... But make sure that he's in normal condition, and make him believe that what you do is for everyone best...
2 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Hi ledydien,
I can't help but think of all the people on the streets that have been turned away because they have a mental illness. Most people don't want to or can't deal with mentall illness. The funny thing is that they probably deal with them all the time and don't know it.
I have actually thought of trying to catch him on camera but don't know how to go about it. We have a digital movie camera but I don't know how I would set it up yet. Thank you ledy for all your kindness,
leenie
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
27 Jun 09
I think love can be enough.. I found out a year ago that I was bipolar.. To walk away from someone just because of a mental disorder.. No.. Also my ex husband is undiagnosed with some mental problem or a few... The only reason I walked away is because he almost killed me.. Or else I would still be with him today... Love is thicker then almost anything that can be thrown at you.. I commend you for staying by his side.. And if he does not feel the need to get help well you can not force him too.. It would be the waste of your husband time and the professional.. Believe me I tried that with my ex.. He went for awhile it was helping, but then all of a sudden he did not want to go anymore, and he quit taking the classes seriously, saying that he did not have a problem, it was everyone else around him.. So in order for your husband to truly get the help that he needs he has to face the problem and see it for himself first.. Good Luck my friend
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Thank you sj,
How long have you known you had Bipolar Disorder? As long as my husband does not pose a physical threat to me, I will stay by his side. I agree with you that I cannot make him seek treatment. I will continue to try but it will have to be his decision. Do mind telling me how your ex almost killed you? Do you believe he was Bipolar or something else. I really appreciate your help.
leenie
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Your son is adorable. I think you are a very strong person and the love for your Son keeps him safe. As a parent I too feel it is very important to keep the goodness of My Son's Dad in his heart. Destroying the image of his Dad only destroys a part of him. I'm sorry I asked you to write about past history. Thankyou for telling me. I wish you nothing but happiness.
leenie
1 person likes this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Thank you.. Oh no problem asking the questions, that is ok.. I just feel that one day my son will have to figure out for himself what he thinks of his dad.. That will be his decision.. I know that he will have many questions for me, like why did I leave, etc. etc.. But I will only speak truth to him..Yes I do have my personal feelings about his dad, some are negative...and well some are postive.. And well I miss the man that I married almost 10 years ago.. But I have grew to understand that person is gone.. I will never see that person again, my son's dad has in my mind put that person to rest... And I have moved on.. But his father and I can communicate about our son without the hate, without the name calling, all of that is in the past.. as where it should stay
1 person likes this
@chrislotz (8137)
• Canada
13 Jul 09
I have experienced something like this too in my relationship with the man I was with for the last 12 years. Only he still had his job, but not happy about it. It was so depressed all of the time that he took out all of his troubles, real or made up, out on me.
So after taking this abuse from him, verbally, for 3 or 4 years I left. I moved to a drifferent city and then broke up with him altogether about a month ago. Now he is begging me to take him back. He made mistakes and now knows that he can't treat me with such disrespect.
So I am giving him another chance and he is working on getting a transfer to the city where I live and he is on medication for his depression and hopefully we can work it out. If not, this is the last time. I think after 12 years I owe him this last chance although my family disagrees with me.
But isn't that what love is, in sickness and health. And depression is a sickness.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
13 Jul 09
Hi chris,
12 years is a long time and a big investment in your life. You obviously still love the guy or you wouldn't be trying again. I really hope and pray that it works out for you. Family always think that they know what is best for you and they think they have good intentions but instead of loving you and standing by you, they turn their backs in the name of fear for you.
This is my 3rd husband and I have learned how different and yet the same men can be. My 2nd husband was a wonderful man just as my first and present. My second passed away but he had his downfalls just as everyone does. Our families do not know what our relationships are like except for what we tell them. This is a lesson I am still trying to learn. and that is not to confide little or big problems to family, because they judge instead of trying to stand by you. I will not judge you and I will stand by you. I'll keep you posted. Hugssss
leenie
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
27 Jun 09
Oh, Leenie!
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Especially since you're such a loving and giving person, it must really come as a shock to find things going off-kilter.
My clinical depression is controlled quite well by low doses of Prozac, after half a lifetime with a wonderful therapist. The strange thing about that is that I went to her in the first place to try to learn how not to upset the abusive people in my life, because they'd convinced me I deserved it because I made them this way by being so woefully inadequate. Depression causes us to see things through a very warped window! The only reason I bring this up is to show that things aren't always worked on best by going at them head-on.
Maybe you could help him get together a support group, or a group of unemployed or underemployed guys who could plan some sort of start-up business to tide them over until good employment comes along. Talking and sharing the pain helps most, but it never seems to work with loved ones. Working on devising a business plan could be of great value to all of the men involved and, as an added bonus, they could talk about all the things they need to get off their chests. Troubles well-aired lose at least most of their power over us.
I wish I could be of real help, Leenie! You and Dennis deserve a whole lot better than this!
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
27 Jun 09
Hi Jo,
I know how wonderful a good counselor or therapist can be. In fact once I get my car running again, I'm going to reschedule an appt. with one. Maybe in the process I can talk him to go back himself.
I do know that he is not the type of Man to do something like start a support group. It sounds like a great idea though. I do think he's getting tired of handling things in the completely wrong way. Last night I may have seen a little break through. I can only pray. Hugssss
leenie
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Jul 09
Even if I still loved him, I might walk away eventually if he had a mental problem and 1) he refused to get any help and 2) he were abusive past what I felt capable of handling. A little wacky tobacky I can handle...
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
28 Jul 09
Hey Dawn,
There is always that possibility that I may have to walk away some day. I may love him but even still that can be changed by him if there is no attempt to get some help. I feel no physical threat but if ever there was one in the slightest way, then I'd be gone. I'm a very caring and loving person but not a foolish one. Hugssss
leenie
2 people like this
@bhanusb (5709)
• India
27 Jun 09
You both are so matured that you supposed to have no problem. Your husband has long past. You don't know his all pasts. It's not possible also. I think you are not fully acquainted with his temperament.I think that creates problem between you.Hugs.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Jun 09
Hi bhanusb,
Being older and more mature doesn't keep people from getting sick. My husband may have a mental illness. My Son has the same illness. If I wouldn't walk away from my Son, why would I walk away from my Husband? I would like to think that he would not walk away from me. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
leenie
@sandeepnongkynrih (196)
• India
27 Jun 09
There is no reason that could make me walk away from someone I love, unless of course, they do not love me back. I can understand the difficulty of your situation. In my humble opinion, i think your husband should get professional help. Whatever his decision you have to stay by his side. Because I'm sure, with time and the right help, you will get over this. All the best to you and your hubby. May your love last forever.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
28 Jun 09
sandee,
I feel that my hubby is suffering from all that he has been going through. Yes at times he would come home from work frustrated by traffic or something that happened at work. I know more men than women with short tempers. But it never lasted long. His whole state of mind may be just because of the facts that he lost his job, his age makes him feel unwanted in the job market, it's been 2 years of of sending resumes' and not enough interviews to no avail. Yes, I'm suffering too but I don't intend to walk away from him when he needs me most. Thank you so much for your thoughts and caring. Hugsss
leenie
@sandeepnongkynrih (196)
• India
28 Jun 09
Well, if the problem is due to frustration towards the situation, I'm quite sure you'll get through it soon. It just takes a little time.
1 person likes this
@Apple3Cranberry (678)
• United States
17 Nov 09
well, you should do something for yourself! i don't know what. but something fun.
1 person likes this
