Why do I do this?

Next time write him a letter or e-mail about what you want to say, that way you don't have to immediately deal with his reaction, and he also has time to digest it and think about how he wants to respond to you, which may not be as harsh. I know my hubby is a bit like you, and sometimes I do turn things around on him even if they aren't his fault... but when he puts it all in e-mail I can read it 3 or 4 times and think about it before responding to him.

You have asked a question and I am going to be perhaps brutally frank with you. I was in therapy for about 4 years. This was nothing to do with my marriage but with recurrent nightmares of what happend to me as a child. I thought that i was imagining these thigs or lese that I was going crazy. I would wake up in the night sweating and asked my husband to look for a particular scar on my body and sure enough, the scar was there. My sisters who are five and ten years older than me also confirmed and said that when they had tried to talk to me about it when I was younger I denied that it had happened. The point that I am making is that when we start to talk about something then we begin to heal. Not immediately as the hurt is sometimes too much to bear. But we have to talk to begin the healing process. I would suggest that yuou write down your feelings and give him the letters. If he still wants in then he will read them. Secondly, do your best to get liquid and keep the cash soemwhere safe or with a close relative and add to this money as fast as you can if possible. Unless he goes to counselling with you then it doesn't really make sense as he is in denial too. Sorry if I sound harsh to you but I have been through so much and I do know how it feels.

We all lose our mettle at times, so you're certainly not alone here. In situations like the one you've just shared, you HAVE the answer to your question really and stated it yourself. You lost your spine because you just don't have the strength to deal with his reaction. So in my opinion, it then comes down to what it is exactly you're trying to achieve here. One of the reasons you are going to counseling is to CHANGE the existing circumstances yes? The only way to break one habit or pattern, is to introduce a new one! Yes, at first reactions may be unpleasant if you're confident and speak up. Yes, your partner may end up playing head games with you; but the last thing you ever want to be doing is staring into a mirror a year from now and saying "if only". If only I'd spoken up, if only I'd fought harder for what was best for myself and this relationship..... All great in theory, I know, but maybe if you were able to consistently force yourself to think about the benefits of you speaking out and communicating rather than focusing more on the possible negative reactions, in time your confidence will grow. It's cliche, but what we believe the body DOES achieve. Whatever methods you've been using in the past obviously don't work, otherwise you wouldn't be off to counseling and seeking a fix in the first place. You can't ultimately control the patterns of your partner either. But what you CAN do, is fight for what's right for yourself by winning that fight WITHIN yourself. If I'm being way too blunt here, I do apologise, but we must never give in to the negative mindsets within ourselves that work towards repressing us from doing what's in our best interests. It can be such a struggle to stand up and change, to embrace a different attitude or new mindset; but sometimes we have no choice BUT to force these changes on ourselves. It's either this, or we need to come to grips with the reality that what we have today will be ours forever. I know which one I'd prefer! Once again, I hope some of this helps in some way. Believe in yourself Dawn and make the changes needed that will bring to you what you deserve. You can be anything you want to be externally if you believe so internally. BELIEVE.

Guys usually are silent in terms of expressing themselves. For women, it is rather rare that women become less confrontational about expressing their feelings towars their partner. I read in here that someone suggested to write him a letter which is I would agree to it if you don;t have the heart to tell it out rightly. I think that may work or you may start the habit of talking to him in a calm manner. We men do not like to her sudden outburst of emotions we like mostly talking in a calm manner so that we may also prepare ourselves to say our side of the story. Also, when communicating please allow each other time to say their piece and never dominate the whole time expressing your feelings. Sometimes saying our piece need not be long but short and meaningful talk is what is needed to convey your message. Also do not expect our reaction immediately, one wrong move for this kind of discussion is to force him to immediately react to what you wanted. Allow him to think about it and ask for his reaction later if he has nothing to say to you.

you do this because you like most of us hate confrontation. We hate to be involved in situations that might cause us to reveal to much of our private selves. When the person you are facing is a strong emotional attachment this weakness is even stronger, that is why we often need a third party to help. Try recording the conversations,(with of course all parties agreeing) this will really help with the but you said, situations. It can also help with words that may be remembered out of order and thus cause even more misunderstanding. Blessing to you, remember you are just like the rest of us stumbling around in what we call human relationships.

I say you take a shot of some thing hard go in that room and tell him whats whats! And when that does not work write a letter like katsmeow1213 said.

I think it's still better to be able to say what you want to say. let it all out in the open and just see what happens. You did say he's not a violent man. I used to be like that, afraid of confrontations and just go on everyday as if everything's ok. But things just got worst. Having an open communication is the key to a better relationship. Good Luck.:P)

Maybe it would help if, when you do try to talk to him about this, you look at something other than him. And, maybe preface the conversation with something akin to "Please don't interrupt me, let me say all I have to say first".

i think the better way to keep silent and then go out with friends. after several times he will ask you first then you choose what you want to say.

Dawn, I think you lost your spine, and we here at MyLot have to find it! I'm like that too...I get all psyched up to speak my mind, and then, not wanting a confrontation, I keep quiet. I hate myself for that!!! Okay, sometimes I do speak my mind, and let it be known, I can be loud!!! So don't feel bad, Dawn, you can do it. If not this time, then next time!!!! Chin up!!

It is obvious that you are afraid of your husband. How long will you let yourself be in this position? I know it is better said than done. But the more you prolong it the more it becomes worse. Better ask somebody else to be there when you talk to your husband. In case something happens, one can immediately come to the rescue . Have faith in yourself. The earlier you get out of the relationship, the better.

obviously youve aquired some type of fear of him...maybe something that happened(not meaning jus physical) but for some reason....ive knoticed that i had a hard time standing up to my step father and now if i have to stand up to anyone who reminds me of him its all that much harder.......this is jus and example...im surwe if you dug deap you would know exactually why you cower down to him and maybhe be able to make improvment to help the situation

I think that you should not let what you think your husband will say cloud what it is you really should do. I think that you should tell him everything you feel even you don't want to deal with the drama. How can you expect your situation to change if you don't? Being featrful of telling him what is on your mind because you don't want to deal with the drama is not the answer.

Well alot of times if weve had so much disappointment from our partners that it gets to the point where you would do anything to avoid conflict or arguing or unpleasing toward u. Cause you just dont want to deal with it. I understand this all to well. You have a really important thing that needs to be said and talked about and feel that you need to get it off your chest and have all this power behind u then the second he comes in the room its gone all gone. You would rather not talk at all than to have issues or him being displeased with u. But there comes a time when everybody reaches a point a stopping point where u say alright thats it im tired. And then you do what u have to do. Trust me everybody has one and then you will find your spine again

I can understand how you felt during that situation. Sometimes we muster enough strength in planning the right words to say to our husband but somehow at the time when we are about to talk to them, it seems so difficult to utter the words. Writing can help. If your husband likes using his mobile phone you can probably send him a text message. How about opening a light-hearted discussion of what you are about to say during dinner. I suggest when you really want to talk matters with him, pray first for guidance. Don't expect or predict what his reaction would be and try to listen to his thoughts as well. If it happens that you give your piece and he doesn't respond, take it as a first step of voicing out your thoughts. As I said, DON'T EXPECT a response. I believe men block out emotions to be tough but once they hear something they tend to contemplate first before they respond. In relationships, we can only adjust our behavior and attitude towards the other person, we cannot change the ways of the other person. But God can. So lift it up in prayer. It does work. Another suggestion, find quotations that pertain to your situation as husband and wife. Topics like respect, trust, love, etc. Write it on post-its and stick them on your dresser mirror where your husband can see it. It can serve as a morning thought for both of you to contemplate during the day. Rekindle your love for each other.

I don't know dawn. This is one of those situations that you have to come around to on your own. We can all tell you that obviously, you want out but a part of you is holding back. That is on you to figure out. no one can tell you what to do. Your words sound as if you want out of this relationship and yet your actions say otherwise. Wishing you the best.

I can relate. I think that there may be a part of you that is afraid that if you say something that he doesn't like, he will leave you or make you feel insignificant in one way or another. I've been there too. The way I got through it and gained the confidence to speak my mind is by telling myself over and over and over that I am just as important as everyone else and my voice deserves to be heard too. They can't take my birthday and the word "no" has never killed me. I used to always worry about making people angry with the things I wanted to say, and I would worry that I would be yelled at, belittled, or just made to feel foolish. When my first husband and I divorced, I realized that I was always the breadwinner, he never really worked at all, I was the one who was raising the kids, he was hardly ever around, and the entire time, I played the role of the loving and faithful wife and kept my mouth shut when things bothered me. That got me absolutely no where besides miserable. In the end, I gained the confidence to speak my mind. The day our divorce was final, I made the choice that if someone was going to love me, they were going to love me and I was not going to feel like I had to walk on egg shells for anyone again. Since I made the choice, my life has been a lot better. My current husband and I are both able to speak our minds freely without either of us having to worry about feeling bad or anything else. I tell him what I think and how I feel reguardless of whether I think it will upset him or not. I told him that I would rather tell him the truth and make him angry, then work through the problem, than bottle it up or lie to make him happy and remain miserable myself. I think that you are at a point where you don't want to chance making anyone mad, even though it may be necessary. So, you bottle it up and remain miserable inside. Dear, no one can take your birthday. Speak your mind, you have that right!

Dawn- It's not that your spine is gone. I know that it is difficult to find our voice at times, for so many reasons. Sometimes it's because we just dont' want to hear what we know we will. Especially if the reaction/response is the same one given each time in the same given conversation. I know for myself if I know what someone's typical reaction/response will be I just don't bother at times. I think at times we just have to deal with our decision not to deal with the unpleasantness if it gives us one day of peace, if that makes sense. I'm guessing your counselor is giving you all the feedback and suggestions that you could use, and that's what I'd follow. For myself, I use a script when I know it's going to be rough. I write it out and I ask the person to please let me finish before responding. I then make notes as they are speaking to make sure I'm understanding everything being said. I try to stay open minded to their viewpoint, but I know that sometimes that is very difficult. I wish you the best of luck, and continue to hold you in my thoughts. Namaste-Anora

WOW!-- That was a well rehearsed use of flexibillity there... I have been there in those offices, trying to think of what to talk about. I can't quite even move at all... I have never been married though. My talks with professionals were somewhat around the notion of real and not real latent things.... I always felt i was pushed into to saying the same things I moght say to a stranger on the street. Like in response to being asked in general life questions... I might just reply with the basic known data script I keep open to everyone. But that is just me. I question how is it helpful to seperate this time from the rest of my schedule and feel normal...