When and how do we adults keep secrets from our children?
By zandi458
@zandi458 (28102)
Malaysia
July 11, 2009 12:03am CST
My parents are very secretive people and will not divulge anything to us so we the children are always kept in the dark what is really going on in our family. They are very good at keeping secrets and always make our inquisitive minds working hard to find out the truth.
Many of us wrestle with the issue of whether we provide important information that is potentially hurtful versus protecting them because they are children and not saying anything. It is essential to know whether your decision is made because you are uncomfortable discussing something, you don't know how to talk about it, or you really do believe your children would benefit from knowing or not knowing information.
But children of today are no longer devoid of secrets from their parents. Parents are more modern and more open to their kids. Sharing secrets is no longer a taboo as it will bring a lot of healthy interaction with the kids. What do you say about this? Are you an open minded parent?
6 people like this
18 responses
@krajibg (11922)
• Guwahati, India
11 Jul 09
It was a past habit not only there even we did not get any such secret info from our parents and relatives. when they would talk something of this nature we would be sent out. and this played a negative role on me. I was curios about girls physic and everything associated with girls.
Later I felt that it was not fair on their part. Now I tell my son whatsoever he asks barring something which would go beyond his head.
2 people like this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
11 Jul 09
I try to be very open and honest with my daughter and I want her to be the same with me too. I do keep some things from her but not very many. I think we should try to teach them to be as open as possible though but also teach them that some things are better if they are left untold.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
11 Jul 09
yup I always said if my kids asked I would tell them more about birds and bees thing than any thing else for my mom told me nothing!.
ANd we have got down to the table and we talked aobut every thing that came to mind I didnt have secrets from my kids! My last 2 knew they had half brothers from a very young age altho we didnt find them for 27 years they knew they were out there somewheres.
then daughter and i got to live in that state where the dad adoppted them out and got to going to lawyers and things and finally found the 3 boys that thier dad stole from me well I should say from babysitter.
My dad had a secert and I guess I am the only kid in the family he told that he had been married before my mom.
Dont know why it was such a secert but it was never mentioned again just the one day he told me .
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
11 Jul 09
HI Zandi!
Yes, you are very right, in this every changing and modern world, it is very difficult to keep secrets from our children. Previously, there used to be some veil or say gap between parents and children and children used to hesitate to talk to their parents on certain issues. However, in today's world, they know more than us and they can in fact teach us few things.......LOL!. I personally believe that openness is not harmful, it forges a bond between children and parents and I would prefer to be open and friendly with my children rather than secretive.
Good Post!
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
12 Jul 09
You are absolutely right, it is better to open up with kids rather than hiding anything, net is always there for information and we cannot be with them all the time.
1 person likes this
@mamacathie (3928)
• United States
5 Aug 09
Most children can understand more than we give them credit for. If we keep secrets from them I feel that makes it hard for them to trust us completely. sometimes it is hard to share with the children what is going on but I would rather them hear it form me than to hear it form a stranger or someone else. God bless you!
1 person likes this
@maygodblessu44 (7336)
• India
4 Aug 09
Hello my friend zandi458 Ji,
Well to be blunt in my response, we are not liberal open minded parents. One may call us restricted. I think, we should allow children whatevr is necessary and not load them with lot of un-necessary inforfation, which they might share with some of tehir collegues just by virtue of discussing in public. Family secrecy may ne in danger. I would give you only one example. During our service career, aty laest more than 50 times, we must have moved among many places, and we jave to pack all items for their safe transit, we may tell children, where we have packed their cloths/books/games, but certainely, we will not tell them , where we have packed Jwellary and cash. This information may put ous in loosing. I do not know, how you take, but i would not like to share with my children.
May god bless You and have a great time. 
1 person likes this
@maygodblessu44 (7336)
• India
8 Aug 09
Hello my friend zandi458 Ji,
So nice of you for understanding my views. It is always better to disclose everything, whatever is needed to children, but in case it is risky where certain secrets of parents could be at danger, I wish not to disclose them.May god bless You and have a great time.
@prashanthalva (2272)
• India
11 Jul 09
Well , If you arent a Parent who Is Open Minded, THe Neighbours Will Laugh at You now ...... LoL .......... 'Talking to children about our or their Personal Secrets was Considered a Taboo earlier', even though both knew the Other had knowledge about the same. Now Even if you act Ignorant , Kids of today Are not hesitant to ask Questions . THey want to know everything Just For the Heck of it ... Even though My kids are small I Do not hide Most of the things ... I Try to go down to their Bandwidth and explain........ You do have to let the kids Know things In Life. You have to prepare them to face this Challenging World of adversaries ................. Thank You ......
1 person likes this
@daryljane (3406)
• Philippines
11 Jul 09
When we were younger, my parents used to keep things from us..but when we reached the HS, my mom has been open to us about finances or things going around to make us aware. My mom made sure that we know thing especially financial issue so that as we grow we wouldnt think that we have money when we dont. My mom may have told us the truth, it doesnt mean it might potentially hurtful but just to let us know that she is around to stand bahind us when we fall. They always do.
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
11 Jul 09
My daughter is a very inquisitive person,
even for her very young age.
It's very hard to hide anything from her.
I will try to shield her from painful events
whenever possible, but not from everyday events
that will assist her in developing into a normal
adult with normal psyche.
It's only natural for a parent to want to hide some things.
But, having too many secrets can cause a child
to distrust the parent if they cannot get answers.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
12 Jul 09
Yes, I've always been pretty open and honest with my kids on just about everything. My thinking was that if I want them to be open and honest with me then I should show them by example. Also, kids as you know can sense things and they will work to find out the truth. It is good to keep communication open, I think and especially during the teen years but it has to start young. I think if the parents are awkward about talking about certain things, the kids will feel awkward talking to them also.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
12 Jul 09
Good morning zandi,My parents were very secretive w/me always. my oldest son knew all about my mother's buisness but i didn't. Needless to say he came out on top whivh is the way she wanted it. my half brother who0 i hate to admit i even have him, knew all my dad's buisness. my children know everything about my buisness & that's the way it should be becauce when they don't & u die it can be a frigging mess, believe me.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
7 Aug 09
Families can really get in a mess & with my parents the way they were it stayed in a mess all my life. Now my oldest son is acting like my mother. & being an a$$. I don't mean this to sound bad but i thought when she passed away some of the crap would stop but he seems to have taken up where she left off. not much i can do about that but grieve & i have done plenty of that the last year plus.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
7 Aug 09
p.s. is the picture u have labled mother & daughter u & your daughter?
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
13 Jul 09
Being honest with the kids is more open these days and can be a good thing.On the other hand we were protected when we were young and probably would not have benefited from the worry that after all are grown up worries,letting the kids know to much brings them into the grown up world to quick ,let kids be kids to a certain extent.It depends on what the secret is and if the kid is equipped emotionally to deal with the secret.My son is now fifteen and at that age he is old enough to handle a bit of a shock.If you think it will benefit them from knowing then tell them if not keep quite some things are better left buried.
1 person likes this
@GADHISUNU (2162)
• India
16 Jul 09
In keeping with Wayne W Dyer's recommendations on parenting- though I am not aware of my parents ever reading anything about parenting except good ol' Benjamin Spock-we have kept a friendly approach to our children. We gave a lot of freedom to our children, one of 'em is still a child. It is true, that this has made them more aware. We ahve kept nothing away from them much unlike how my own parebts did. I our childhood days certian areas were clearly out of bounds for us children. We were asked to go out when such subjects were being discussed.
In contrast, our lives are quite open to our children. Our decisions are taken most democratically. I do not know if this is the best way. But we have had to go through some very tough times because of this so called openness. I do not remember having ever spanked my children - even though I remember having been beaten black and blue esp. by mu Mom. My dad very sparingly used the rod!
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
7 Aug 09
Definitely there has been a huge contrast in parenting techniques before and now. I was not spared of the rod either. I don't think it has given us any good than disciplining by words. Maybe parents then didn't realize that they were abusive and now it is no longer applicable as canning is too torturing to our kids and it will leave a painful memory on the kids. I believe in straight and honest discipline with my kids and talking to them like an adult. They understand better that way.
@kawalnarang (1095)
• Trinidad And Tobago
11 Jul 09
They know what they need to know from us,nearly always comfortable talking to us,healthy chat,,,,and they will find the balance from other sources anyway,,certain plans are never revealed to others,even the adults keep it from each other,,
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
15 Aug 09
My mother and my grandparents always spoke Danish, because my sister and i didn't understand much. However, as we grew older, we started to understand more Danish. Dad wasn't from Denmark, so he did not understand Danish. Mom and Dad really couldn't keep secrets from us together. LOL
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Jul 09
I think parents who do that are a bit weird...my own parents were the same and if my mother got caught out she would lie to us about what was going on. Hiding the truth is lying by omission. Certainly some issues had nothing to do with us kids but there is still no need to lie. I was a cards on the table truthful mother. I told my girls just how things were...it was them that lied to and kept secrets from me....
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Jul 09
Not telling the facts can be the same as lying. It's called lying by omission.
Keeping secrets can be fraught with trouble...what if they find out anyway and don't have the facts?
My parents kept secrets from us...then they would lie when we kids found out anyway. My mother fed me so much garbage when I was a kid...I don't know what her aim was. I was a cards on the table, everything in the open sort of parent...it was my kids who lied and kept secrets...
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
13 Jul 09
I don't know what is best but I make the choice to tell my daughter as much as she can handle in an age appropriate way. The reason I do that is because children pick up on a lot of things that people don't think they do. They see things and discuss things with their friends and if they feel you are being secretive or that they cannot talk to you about something, it does not just go away. They find other ways or other people to talk to about things and they may get the wrong information. Sometimes we may think we are hiding something from them but then someone else tells them or they hear it through gossip. I like being open and honest with my duaghter as my mother was with me. One thing it does, it decreases their curiousity about things but when you hide them they want to know that much more.
