If You Were Bullied At School Does It Still Affect You As An Adult?
By Brian
@wolfie34 (26771)
United Kingdom
July 16, 2009 12:54pm CST
Sadly bullying has and always will be prevalent in schools across the world, doesn't matter what country you are in, it happens, if you are different in any way you become a target for bullies. If you are not part of the 'in crowd' or in a 'gang' you are singled out.
Maybe you were overweight, looked upon as unattractive, had a disability, from a different country as your classmates, spoke different, a different colour, had a lisp or you weren't brainy or even you were too brainy, whatever it doesn't take much for the difference to be used against you
Now as adults do you find that the bullying that took place when you were a child still affects you in some way?
For me it's obession about my weight! At school I was a fat kid, and I got bullied mercilessly about it, the names I got called and yet I had to brave it out, I couldn't cry in front of them, boys weren't allowed to cry. I had no one to stick up for me, no brothers or sisters and my father wasn't interested.
I tried numerous diets, but would binge, I found food a comfort, my only comfort and I was extremely heavy and very fat.
It affects me today although I've shed a tonne of weight, not through diets but through to exercise, I feel sad that if only I had joined a gym when I was younger then I could have saved so much bullying. I constantly check my stomach and I still feel fat! My friends know I am desperate for abs and to be confident to show off my chest and stomach without feeling self conscious
Even now I am scared of the scales, I know it sounds laughable. I am now down to a "32 waist and weigh 13 stone 10 and I am 6 foot 2 but I am still not happy and I get frustrated when my stomach looks the same all the time. The heaviest I was 16 stone and the lightest I have been is 12 stone 7. I am desperate to get back to 12 stone yet the weight won't shift.
It's not unlike OCD, tell me I am not the only person out there who is so obsessive about something?
Does anyone else have an obsession about themselves due to bullying at childhood or even through adulthood?
6 people like this
15 responses
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
17 Jul 09
I was always picked on as I was rather shy and more of a follower. What happened to me is that when I got older, I got rather that I started to get angry at people and drive them away rather then have them bully me. I also got a little braver, but when someone does get angry at me, I go back in my shell again. This happened when I worked as a telemarketer. I got so that I was afraid of people passing me on the street or in the grocery store. When someone snapped at me and criticized me, I would be afraid and lose my courage to do anything, even as much as writing on my novel or singing.
So bullying as a child for whatever reason does hurt you when you are an adult in that it prevents you from being the best you can.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
19 Jul 09
I can definitely relate to that, because of the bullying, I don't trust and I don't let anyone anywhere near me, I push them way, sometimes even appearing brash and rude, but I have only mistrust and suspicion and straight away I am thinking what are they after, why are they interested in me and I go cold.
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
17 Jul 09
Yes, I think that being bullied as a child definitely affects you as an adult. I was bullied and picked on because of my weight, my crooked teeth, and also the fact that I got mostly A's on my report cards and that I was White. I went to a predominately Black school for grammar and middle schools. I would say that it definitely affects your self esteem and how you perceive yourself. I really think it made me stronger as a person, but yes it hurt to be picked on and beat up, etc.
I tell my children not to worry about what others think or say about them. I tell them that other people being mean and picking on them does not matter and to try to ignore it. I tell them that those type of people don't love themselves and are not happy with themselves and that is why they pick on others.
Life is definitely not easy and it is not helpful when others bully others. I just try to be optimistic about things and support my children. I try to keep that past behind me.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
Life is definitely not easy and it is not helpful when others bully others. I just try to be optimistic about things and support my children. I try to keep that past behind me.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
It has certainly made me more suspicious and mistrusting of people and having two abusive bullying relationships doesn't help either. I guess I must attract them, probably because I have such low self esteem, bullies pick up on it. I have a long way to go but at least I am getting support, life is definitely not easy, but for some it's permanently easy and one day I hope to enjoy life to the full.
1 person likes this
@arkansos (545)
• India
17 Jul 09
well yes it does tend to. We had certain gangs in school. They didn;t exactly bully, but they expressed their superiority. If you even said something to their a$$holesm they'd get back at you and for stupid reasons and things that were their fault as well.. .It still haunts. I still get nervous when I see one of those guys, even though they are nicer people now, or not!
1 person likes this
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
17 Jul 09
You certainly did have a rotton time fortunately things are dealt with properly these days and the bullies are soon stopped.I was bullied for a little while by this girl but she lost interest in me and she stopped.Kids are cruel they don't really understand what they are doing,The best thing to do is not let them win be better than them.One day they will need you and you can turn your back on them if you feel like it and there is nothing they can do about it.Don't let them win ,be strong and fight back by forgetting about it.Get on with your life .I might add I did not let my bully win and over came it,no it did not have any effect on my later life.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
I am a strong believer in karma and I hope that karma will have caught up with each and every one of them now, I just wish I was around to see it, I do believe in revenge too. But the seed of doubt about my weight is still there and I am very obsessive about my weight, but at least I have my counselor now who I can talk it over with!
1 person likes this
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
20 Jul 09
"What goes around comes around" Natural justice .No one can hope to go through life treating others badly and expect to get away with it all the time.I don't beleave in revenge either as that drags you down to their level.There is something slightly satisfying about hearing about people getting theirs,if you know what I mean.You are a good person in a cruel world ,like the most of us.We have to battle a bit but we get there in the end.It makes it even more the sweeter,glad to hear you have a councilor to talk to. I know some really thin people who are as miserable as sin,never happy ,having to live their entire life looking in a mirror,I am no oil painting myself but I have one thing going for me.That is my self belief and I know I am a nice person and help people.try to be kind,and treat others as I would be treated myself.Thats what gets me through.Take care dear friend.
@Sweetchariot (1718)
• United States
17 Jul 09
Ironically, it was the kids that started bullying me, it was teacher. She used to live upstairs from my grandmother, and one day in front of the whole class (4th grade), she stated that I walked like my Grandmother. All thru the rest of my grammar school, I was called "memere" (french for Grandmother), by a select few of people. Even into high school, if I saw someone from Grammar, they would remember that name and repeat it to me. From that day on, I totally hated my 4th grade teacher, and had no respect for her. Unfortunately, she was friendly with my family, out of school, so I did have to come across her every so often....and when I did, I would totally ignore her. I don't know if she ever knew why I was so rude to her, but I just couldn't forget what she did. And I am hoping one day, when she passes away, that God reminds her of this incident.
Teachers can also break you or make you, not just your peers.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
Hmmm I hear you on this one too! I had a music teacher who was a bully I hated him he would call me names in front of the other kids and he knew damn well I couldn't play the recorder yet he badly humiliated me by making me stand up in front of the whole class to play it well the kids laughed at me and I went red. I hated him, I saw him years later and I was so tempted to damage his car, but I just hope karma got to him and that he is made to suffer like he made me suffer.
1 person likes this
@Sweetchariot (1718)
• United States
17 Jul 09
[i][/i]It was the kids that started bulling me...
I meant to say IT WASN'T THE KIDS THAT STARED BULLING ME.
1 person likes this
@Sweetchariot (1718)
• United States
17 Jul 09
I can't type today...sorry.. "Stared", should have been "started".
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
17 Jul 09
I was bullied after making such a huge mistake accusing some one. simply because my mom forced me to believed some one hurt me. after that i was bullied by my classmates and when ever they like it. and when some one punch me in the face, my mom went mad and scolded the kid, in front my other classmates. that was then i was called "Mama's boy" and never forgive myself or her ever since.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
When my mum went up to the school to confront the headmistress about being bullied they told my mum she was being over protective of me and refused to admit that bullying was a problem. At least your mum took an interest, my father couldn't of cared less, I guess there is a happy medium and those that called you a Mama's boy could have been jealous because their mums may not have cared about them like your mum obviously did!
2 people like this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
18 Jul 09
it's hard to forget and seems to have lost confidence..it was her fault she made a mistake when she taught a classmate slash my thumb."SHE forced me to believe I was slashed",get the point? it was actually a scratch from one of the windows and i did notice that until i saw my thumb.it was...long ago. it still lingers....
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Jul 09
I can't remember being bullied ever at school or any bullying going on at school for that matter. Except by the nuns...does that count?...they could be really nasty. I remember being confused because they were holy women and supposed to be loving and kind but sometimes they were awful...at least some of them were.
I was bullied at home by kids living down the road because I was a catholic....like it was an unpardonable crime to be a catholic...these kids threw rocks at my younger brother and I.
I didn't realise it but I looked great as I grew up..in my teens I mean..I wasn't skinny but I wasn't fat either. I was healthy and active and looking at photos, I looked pretty good. I never worried about my weight till I was about 45. I wish I'd been more aware of how good I DID look. Oh well, too late now.
I've heard when you are losing weight that you reach a plateau and nothing happens. Just keep going , it will happen eventually...actually, you sound gorgeous. You are wonderfully tall with an awesome bod and with your streaked blond hair and blue eyes...smokin!!!
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
19 Jul 09
You know, as long as I have known you dear friend you always manage to make me smile and make me feel good about myself! I think I might be in danger of looking back and thinking why wasn't I happy with my looks. But I tell you something, since having my hair done my self esteem has rocketed! Strange how just by getting my hair done a different colour can make me feel so much better! I have reached the plateau so I keep changing the routines at the gym that way my body doesn't get used to the same workouts! Big Wolfie hugs xxxx
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Jul 09
It wasn't so much bullying as lack of support. My mom saying I could have done better on a report card I was really proud of. Or my Dad promising no punishment if the culprit spoke up, so I did and got a spanking. A babysitter who thought I was a troublemaker and the one time I made an effort to be good he said that I would just be bad again next time. I wasn't part of the "in crowd" at school but I wasn't singled out much either. I'm worried about that for my son though. He has autism.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
16 Jul 09
I still don't think that some schools handle bullying well, some still refuse to admit that it goes on, it's a problem that just won't go away and it has lasting detrimental affects on children for years to come. Your son has a loving mum and that is half the battle, my father didn't care about me and had no time. At least you are there for him and I know he'll be well cared for and supported through the education system. When I was a child autism wasn't understood, neither was dyslexia believe it or not! Times do change, and sometimes for the better.
2 people like this
@guybrush (4658)
• Australia
17 Jul 09
I was very lucky, Wolfie, and have never been bullied or made to feel bad about myself. I'm sure it would have a horrible effect to be singled out for any kind of difference, and I know it's no good telling you how nice you look, and how worthy you are - as you probably wouldn't believe it. The good thing about getting older, I think, is that things tend to matter less. I'm 51, and it no longer matters a hoot to me what people think of my home, my clothes, my hair or anything else. I'm free to be exactly what I choose to be, and if people look and laugh in the street ... tough t!tties - it's their bad, not mine. I hope one day you are able to feel the same way, and know you are a good and worthy person. What is on the outside (and your outside looks mighty fine to me!) would not matter if human beings were blind. All that would matter is the goodness of your heart and the love you show to your friends and loved ones. Generally, other people are far too worried about their own insecurities to be taking any notice of ours - in fact, if they ARE taking note of ours, it's because they are feeling unworthy themselves. Go out into the world feeling brave and strong, and it will make such a difference to how others view you. You KNOW you're worth it!
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
Thank you as always my friend, I am now sitting here with my hair done, the lady has done an excellent job and it has boosted my self-esteem, but my self-esteem is fragile and I have a long way to go before I can feel brave and strong but I am at least treading the right tracks, with the counselor who I am getting on real well with.
2 people like this
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
19 Jul 09
I'm with you on this as well, wolfie! I was bullied constantly in school by the kids all the time. You're right. If you are different in any way you will be teased for it mercilessy. My whole childhood was extremely traumatic for me and I don't like going back. I find it so funny when people say would love to be teenagers again. For one thing why would you want to go through all that teenage angst again? Also, for those of us who were continually tormented by kids it's not something I would willingly go through again!
I would say that I am still affected by all the bullying that I received as a child.
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
19 Jul 09
Be a teenager again I can't think of anything more frightening! Sadly bullying still goes on today both in schools and the workplaces and it will always be the same! My school would bury it's head in the sand and say that bullying doesn't exist, they were so frightened of having a bullying situation that it might affect figures, typical isn't it!
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
24 Jul 09
Sadly, it seems that most schools don't want to deal with bullying and pretend that it doesn't exist. It looks like the bullies are even bullying the school system! Arrggghhh!
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@wergild (189)
• Philippines
17 Jul 09
I was born with just one good eye and because of that disability i got bullied a lot. People started calling me names and even start assuming that my disability makes me no good at anything. No one would play with me at any sport much less let me joined their team. Did it affect me as an adult? definitely! Both positive and negative way. It affected my confidence later when I was in college and because of that I let my talent go to waste because Im kinda shy. But in a positive way, it built my character later, thought me to bee strong and be brave and accept the fact that since im not normal i developed my talents that allowed me to stood apart from the rest. On the other note, I do hope parents should stop their kids from bullying others. They didn't know how it affects people later.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
It's good you can see it as a positive as well, I just see it as negativity myself and yes I am shy too, I am shy and mistrustful of strangers, because to me everyone is a potential bully/abuser, so it's safer not to reach out to people.
1 person likes this
@FFFrocks (306)
• Canada
17 Jul 09
Ah yes, I went through school with a target on my forehead! Not for any particular reason other than that I refused to conform. I was checked into lockers, has things thrown at me, was laughed at.... Ah, glory be to the nerd herd!!! I was told once that I'd be cooler if I didn't hang around my dorky friends, but that just pissed me off, insulting my friends!
I was very lucky with my parents and extended family. They instilled in me from a very early age a strong sense of self worth. Even though I went home crying more than once I always knew that I wasn't the problem.
It did stick with me a bit though. I still have the self doubts when I meet new people. You know, what are thy thinking of me? Do they think I'm a loser? blah blah blah, but I can shake those doubts pretty quickly.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
Wish I had a big brother or sister to have taken care of me! I was always a loner at school, even now I much prefer my own company, I am far too independent and yes selfish to share my life with anyone and thus I made the decision years ago to stay single, it's far safer and I am far happier that way and besides everyone is a potential bully, user, abuser and control freak to me so I don't let anyone get close. My defence mechanism kicks in.
1 person likes this
@surveygeeek (189)
• United States
17 Jul 09
I'm in a similar boat as you, Wolfie. When I was a teenager, I was heavier than all my friends. The sad part is, looking back, I was never as big as I thought I was (my biggest was about 165 pounds) but I felt gigantic. It certainly didn't help that all the other kids picked on me and told me how fat I was all the time. Even the ones who were supposedly my friends would find ways to make digs at my weight. After I left high school, I stopped being so depressed all the time, and stopped eating for comfort, and I lost enough weight that I'm pretty normal sized. But I still feel like a fat kid. When I look in the mirror, I see my high school self, not what's actually there. It makes me keep trying to lose weight all the time even though I don't really need to anymore, and it makes me really uncomfortable when I have to wear things like bathing suits or anything that shows my body, because I still feel huge.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
17 Jul 09
Psychological scars are far harder to heal than physical, sometimes the wounds never heal and they can continue to affect us negatively right the way through adulthood, some people find it easier to cope and forget, others like me and sounds like your good self to still carry those scars around with us, it's very difficult to change our negative patterns when they've been in our heads carried around with us for x amount of years.
1 person likes this
@apricotrains (456)
• Melbourne, Australia
14 Sep 09
I was not overweight at all, in fact I was vastly underweight. I was not as smart as others (ADHD & learning problems that were unheard of back then) and I was not as rich as the other kids. I was called everything from a sl*t to trash. I had only ever kissed one boy ONCE & I was called a sl*t. I was not in the newest fashion, I was called trash. I was punched, my clothes stolen from the sports change rooms, I had things thrown at me (food, drinks, mud) I was excluded when playing sport (noone likes being picked LAST every single time).
I left when I was 16 because of it all. The teachers were no help & as a result I am still unable to stand up for not only myself but my 16yo son who has the same problems (ADHD & learning dissability) I lack the confidence to even talk on the phone some days even though I am in customer service I am still reserved & shy.
Bullies never apologized because they never believed what they did was wrong.
