Do you ever feel pressured to have children?
By fruitcakeliz
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
United States
July 21, 2009 9:17pm CST
I just want to say right off the bat that having children is never really something i have felt was integral to my life. I am not going to go into the many reasons why i feel this way, but i have a question for you.
Have you ever felt pressured by family, friends or society to have children, even if it is not what you feel if right for your life? I know that supposedly the "american dream" is to get married, have children, a house, the white picket fence etc. But why can't some people understand that having children is not for everyone?
It certainly didn't take long for the questions and pressures to start either. When i got married (to my now ex-husband), his mother gave a speech at the wedding the ended in "and i am so happy that you two are starting yor life together, and i am anxiously awaiting news about grand-babies being on the way!"...Over the next year, i started hearing it from both of my parents, particulary when i spoke with them on mother's day/father's day. All of a sudden questions such as "So when are you two thinking of having children?" etc. starting coming out in conversation.
Now that i am getting older, and many (most) of my friends are having or have had children, i have started hearing it from them too. I am not one of those who minds hearing them talk about their kids consistantly, and i love being an "auntie" to their kids, and going out and doing things with them, but it is when my friends start saying things like "You should have some of your own, they are so much fun" or even worse "you really won't understand until you are a mom too" that it irks me.
I even get hit with it at work. I usually just laugh comments off, but sometimes it makes me feel as though people think less of me, or that i am not "fullfilling my obligations" as an adult if i don't have children. I am nearing thirty, and have even started getting the comments such as "You better get started on a family soon, before it's too late"
I am just wondering if anyone else out there has ever felt these societal pressures?
6 people like this
13 responses
@angie828 (232)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Society is always going to pressure you to do something. It does not matter if it is having kids or if you do being a stay at home mom. I want kids, but right now it is not a good time for me to be having them. DO not feel pressured by society for anything. You do what is best for you and your family. It is your life lead it how you want it to be lead.
If your parents are pressuring you to have kids, then just sit them down and tell them you are not ready to have kids yet or do not want to have kids at this time. You are not obligated to give your parents kids if you do not feel that you want them.
2 people like this
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
22 Jul 09
angie828, it is SO refreshing every time I see a parent or parent hopeful defending the right to choose having children or not. Thank you so much for not being judgemental even though you do want kids and others don't. It is hard to find people who desire kids that don't mock the child-free or think we are just evil people. The world is a much better place because of people like you! :)
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Oh, believe me, i am not goint to change my mind about this matter and have kids just because people tell me i should, but i am just the kind of person who feels guilty easily *lol*. Luckily i am dating a wonderful man who is a perfect match for me, especially in this area, as he is older than i am and has already had children in his previous marriage. His kids are all grown up (the youngest just graduated high school this past year) and he has no desire to "start all over again" with a baby.
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
22 Jul 09
It's so funny because I've been responding to some of your posts, and here you are child-free like me! :)
I've never felt pressured by my family. My mom's reaction to when she found out I was child-free was "I figured you didn't want kids." It wasn't a surprise to my family that I didn't want kids, so they never pursued it. When my mom found out that my husband was getting "the surgery" the day after we came back from our honeymoon, she was grateful that we wouldn't have to spend money on other birth control means before it was permanently done.
I've been pressured by other people, though. The woman that cleans my parent's house is awestruck that not every woman has a maternal instinct, even though she has numerous problems with her only son. Co-workers in the past have thought I was crazy for not wanting them...to the point that some thought I was just an evil person. I've gotten quite used to people not understanding me because of it, but my family has never pressured me--they know it's best that I don't have kids!
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
And i forgot to add, it isn't that i don't have maternal instincts. You can ask my group of friends. If they had to describe me, the over-all consensus would be "mother hen". I don't know if you know, or beleive anything about astrology, but am a a Cancer, and cancer's tend to be the most maternal of all the signs. We just want to take care of everyone! But i am more than content with taking care of my friends, my boyfriend, my pets, and my lil brother who lives with me. this is more than enough responsibility for me!
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
It is complicated, but i can try to explain it for you. I strive to be a very independant person. I prefer to take care of myself and have a really hard time asking for help from others. I have always felt, that IF i were to ever to decide to have children, it would only be if i ever felt i was in a place in my life where i felt i could take care of them and give them everything they needed without being a burden to soiety or to anyone else. Granted now, where i am in life, i could probably do this, but i also know it would be a struggle at the same time. I don't handle stress well. If i had kids i feel i would be in a constant state of paranoia that something would happen or something would go wrong and i would not be able to handle the situation. I guess you could say it is a mental thing. Physically and finacially i could handle having kids, but mentally i feel it would destroy me. The worry, the stress, the knowing that i have an entire other life that is totally dependant upon me and me alone to take care of them...when sometimes i feel i can hardly take care of myself. I just don't think i could handle it and still be a pleasant and decent person who is happy with my life, so i choose not to. I would rather give what i can, when i can to my friends and loved ones around me, willingly, than to begrudgingly have to give up things i enjoy and the things that make me, me in order to take care of someone. Some people might consider that selfish. I consider it truley knowing who i am and knowing what will make me a happier person in the long run.
1 person likes this
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Trust me...I completely understand! Child-freedom is anything but selfish. People who decide never to have kids decide that for a reason. It would be more selfish to go on and have kids knowing you weren't ready for it...then it would be a stressful situation for both you and the kid. At least you have acknowledged that raising kids is not an easy job to do, and that you aren't made for it. Some people have kids thinking they'll get used to it...and never do.
It bothers me when people say child-free people are selfish...I don't even think selfishness is a bad thing when in small quantities, but I don't agree that child-free people are selfish for their decision. If I had kids, they'd be miserable. So would I. How is it selfless to have kids when you know you don't really like them or for sure don't want to raise them? How is that fair to the kids and how is that fair to a person's marriage?
But thankfully you realize the difference between liking kids and raising them. If raising kids were as easy as making them, it would be a different story for many!
1 person likes this
@emskoneko (805)
• United States
22 Jul 09
I'm still 19 and up to my eyeballs in college stress so that kind of pressure hasn't hit me yet. But I doubt that I'll ever have children of my own. Don't get me wrong. I love children. But I don't even see myself being happily in love and married. I just don't think I'm the kind of person anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with.
Plus, I want to adopt if I ever do get settled enough to start a family.
If I never have children, it's okay. I treat my own dog like a baby. ^^
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
23 Jul 09
you are young and your thought might change..but just keep in mind that it is a very big descision to make. But i will suggest changing your attitute about the "i just don't think i'm the kind of person anyone would want to spend the rest of your life with".....that just makes it sound like you are giving up! Once again, may i reiterate that you are young...and have plenty of time to run into and meet a person who thinks ou are the perfect person to be with. Good luck with your studies, and might i add that i LOVE the invader zim avatar.
@warmweatherwoman (2233)
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
22 Jul 09
WOW fruit- I didn't realize thier was someone out there that actually felt the exact same as me. I do get the pressure - and it DOES get annoying. I have come to a point where when it starts I just end it by saying- "Did I try to talk you into NOT having kids because that is what I wanted?"- that usually shuts it up.
The paragraph you wrote about your friends making comments I think I can relate tot he most. My friends are always making little comments to the effect of "Your so good with my kids, you should have some of your own" I much like you, LOVE being an auntie to all my girlfriends kids- I love the fact that i can take them out and have a good time- then drop them off when the good time is over. That is a choice I made and I wish people would just respect it! And the comment of "you really won't understand until your a mom too" really kills me. I am a mom in my own heart- I decided to take on the responsibility of two dogs- and not that I am at all comparing them to children- they are as well a big responsibility- and all I am realistically will to give!
So to those of us woman that have made a contious and realistic decision on our own views as to NOT have children- I say KUDOOS to us!!!! And leave us be!!!
@warmweatherwoman (2233)
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
22 Jul 09
I will second that AMEN for sure :)
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Amen sister! *lol*
I totally love the part about taking friends kids out and having a good time with them (and giving their mother and father a little break and some alone time too) and then being able to drop them off later and god back toy our own life. It is fun while it lasts, bet a relief when it is over!
1 person likes this
@happyperidot83 (51)
• United States
22 Jul 09
OMG I totally feel you on this. I may be only 25 but everyone thinks I should have kids by now. I dont want to cause I am afraid of some things I may pass to my kids but really I dont think I can handle it. your friends are real ignorant for sayitn you dont understand. You may know more about kids than they do. Would be funny wouldnt it?
1 person likes this
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
23 Jul 09
It's the sad truth that it IS different when it is your own flesh and blood. You can't give it back, you can't let someone else take it for you, you will always be a parent from the moment that kid is born until the day you die. That isn't a contract I'd be best to sign.
This idea has been brought up before, but maybe the parents who urge this are jealous of the child-free lifestyle and the freedoms they no longer have, so they try to get more people on their side to keep things "equal," for lack of a better term.
There's a child-free forum that I frequent where one woman who had been child-free and actually gave into the peer pressure that, in turn, ruined her life, started a discussion called: "It IS different when they're your own: it's worse." How sad that nosy people have the ability to ruin lives. The poor woman now resents her husband, her kid, and all intimacy, and kids aren't stupid: hers will sense the tension.
Why people long for a 1984 type setting in this world with no individuality is beyond me. Let others make their own choices, for crying out loud.
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I think you are making a good descision in at least giving yourself a while to think it through. Especially since as you said "are afraid of some of the things you may pass on" to your children. (i don't know if the following actually pertains to you, but it is what i gleened form it) People who have health problems that have a high probibility of being passed on to their children, definately need to take the time to think over the descision of whether to have children or not. I understand that many people are so desperate to have children, that they are willing to take the chance, but it is a big descision to make. Is it really worth having children if they have a high probability of have some disease or affliction that would impede the quality of their life? definately another worry to think about
Livinglife: Oh my god, that is totally another phrase i cannot stand! the whole "It's different when they are your own" sometimes i just want to respond with "yeah, i suppose it probably is, cause right now i am just annoyed by your child...but will forget about it in a few minutes once the child is gone, but if it was my own, i would be annoyed with it all the time"*lol*
@grace118224 (1038)
• China
22 Jul 09
In China if a girl is over 25 years old and still unmarried people will be nice to persude her time and time just like that you should get married and give birth to a child because you are not young . Yes it's true that if you are over thirty it's a little harder to get a baby and you don't have as much energy as young girls . i gave birth to my lovely this year just at my 31. yeah i felt tired sometimes . But having a baby or not is up to you. If you are ready please go . Having baby actually having more in life.
1 person likes this
@LovingLife139 (1504)
• United States
22 Jul 09
fruitcakeliz, no surprise here but I agree with you. For people who are meant to be parents, yes, having kids is adding more to their life. But I am living life to the fullest...and if I were to become a parent, it would be nothing but the opposite. Raising a kid when you wanted it is hard enough...raising one when you don't want to be a parent is completely different. It's not right at all to the kids and it's certainly not right for the parents involved.
Life is awesome just the way it is for me without kids. Adding them would only be regressing and counter-productive. I thank God everyday because I don't have kids. For some people, they can't imagine how my life isn't void, or how yours isn't void, Liz, without kids. That's why people have individuality, and this is the reason opinions and beliefs differ. Some see no reasons not to have kids, and I've never seen one sole reason for having them.
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
See, now that is exaclty the kind of statement i can't stand, sorry and no offense to you but "having a baby is actually having more in life" seems to make a judgement on me, and others like me, who choose not to have children. It seems to say that because we are not mothers or fathers, we are not living our lives to the fullest. I don't believe this is true. In my mind, i don't feel i COULD live my life to the fullest with a child. I feel i would have to make sacrifices and give up much of what i want to do in order to take care of a child, which would then just cause me to regret my own children, and woudlnt make a happy life for any of us.
1 person likes this
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
22 Jul 09
I am an only child...and so is my husband, so definitely both our families were asking even before we got married, on how many kids we will have, etc. We didn't get ourselves pressured by having children right away. We enjoyed our marriage life and then a year after, I got pregnant but we didn't plan it at all.
It is much better if everybody knows that having children is not for everyone. There are so many parents that have children but doesn't fulfill their obligations or duties to them. This would be unfair to the children.
When I looked at my 3 children, I know that as long as I am breathing, I am responsible for them. I know raising kids will not be that easy but I will do my very best because having them is my choice.
Each of us have a choice wether to have children or not. I respect whatever the choice of an individual because it is her life after all.
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
And i thank you for respecting that choice. You brought up an interesting point in your response. There are so many people out there who have a child (or multiple children) and are unable to provide for them, or even CHOOSE not to provide for them in a way i feel all children deserve. It is interesting. I have often thought about this: Wouldn't it be interesting if there was like some sort of test you had to pass, or certain qualifications you had to met in order to be able to have children? I know this delves into the realm of a "big brother" type world, which i totally don't agree with, but i feel it would be more fair to children if their parents had to be able to prove they were able to take care of them before they were able to have them. As i said, i know this would never happen, and would be a huge invasion of ones human rights, but it is interesting to think about.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
5 Aug 09
I had been pressured not to have children and that is worse. It was like saying that "A you are a selfish oaf, and you just think of myself," but that was not what I am or was. As it was, we were only able to adopt two and that makes things rather lonely. The trouble is that people who do not want to have children get pressured to have them, and people who want to have children are pressured not to have them.
Yet, I know there are some people who it would be disastrous for them to have babies, but they would be a good mother to an older child I mean 12 or older.
So it could be that you would be better as a mentor.
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
6 Aug 09
I have often thought that myself...and in a way..have been. I have had quite a series of roomates ever since i have gotten my apartment...and all of them have been younger than me. For almost all of them, living with me was their first time living on their own, without their parents watching over them all the time.
I always kinda considered myself to be a psuedo-forster mom to these friends. I didn't really "mother" them, but was there to help them learn to make good choices in their new "solo" lives. I wouldn't say..."don't do that, it's a mistake" but was more along the lines of "are you sure you really want to take that route? Have you thought about all the possible drawbacks and consequences ofthe actions you are about to do?"...this is more than enough of being a mother for me *l*
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
5 Aug 09
I have a little. I don't think people mean any harm by it though, they're just curious and excited for the newly married couple to start a family. Heck, my own mother was excited for me to have kids when I first got together with my husband and we weren't even married yet. LOL I don't know if it was because she was feeling pressured by her own siblings due to her being the last one to yet become a grandparent, or because she was just excited and couldn't wait to have her very first grandchild. Heck with her being in her mid 50's at the time it could have been both. LOL
I'm embarrassed to say that I'm guilty of asking one of my cousins when she was going to have a baby back when I was 14. She had been married to her first husband for a little while (about a couple of years maybe) and I was curious, so I asked. As soon as I did though I wish I hadn't because she turned away and became quiet. I felt just awful. I didn't mean to make her feel bad. Since then I try to avoid asking anyone about it, because I don't want to make such a mistake again.
If a couple doesn't want to have children it is their choice and it should be respected. However, at the same time the couple should expect to get such a question especially if others aren't aware of the situation.
Happy mylotting!
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
5 Aug 09
I understand that people would look orward to becoming grandparents..it is a very exciting thing! What gets me though, is if you were to sit down and explain to your mother that you don't want to have children...or at least not for quite a while..would it be fair for her to continuously hound ou about it and make you feel guilty about your descision?
And there will always be times like that, when you ask someone a question and they get upset because it is a sensitive issue. It really does make you feel awful doesn't it? But the most you can do i supoe is apologize for saying anything that might of upset them and try to remember not to touch on that subject in the future!
1 person likes this
@ckyera (17331)
• Philippines
22 Jul 09
i can relate very well in this topic. i am five years married to my husband now and we are not lucky to have a baby. many times i have heard such comments from people around me, from my in laws, from friends...from my family. but with regards to my family, i think they have understand me now already and they are more sensitive now about how i feel. my mom and dad stops asking me the same questions and they say that they will just wait until the time it comes.
but to some people, those who have nothing to do with my life and my husband's life, they are the people who always give us those questions and comments which really annoys me. why they keep asking, everytime they saw me as if there's no other things that we can talk about but about having a baby...
in my case, i also want to have a baby, but if it does not come, my husband and i are just okay with it. what's not okay to me are those judgmental and insensitive people around...
i just can't figure it out why they need to pressure us in having a baby when it is already non of their business...
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
I think some people just have nothing better to do with their lives...or maybe they just want everyone else to share in the misery or trials and tribulations they have gone through *lol*
Best of luck to you and your husband, if the fates deem it meant to be, it will happen for you, if not, then at least you have already come to terms with that.
@submerryn (1304)
• Malaysia
22 Jul 09
Yes, I think as we grow older, we will be pressured to have kids before our biological clock runs out. Before I had my first kid, I was not pressured to have any at all, but I do pressure my husband to get me one as I fear of getting my first child at an old age. Now that my first kid is two, people are pressuring me to get my second as I am well into my thirties now..
1 person likes this
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Unless you are wanting to have a larger family, don't fall to the peer pressure. Thanks for responding though. It is interesting to find out that the pressures don't stop, even after you have a child.
@starlight70 (316)
• Malaysia
22 Jul 09
And I thought this is a problem faced only by the Chinese community. There is this constant pressure that the family name linkage must not be stopped. And the child must be a boy. And there should be as many running feet as possible. Ridiculous practice, really.
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Yes, i suppose their is the point of veiw that not having children is good for the world, as the world is a crowded and over populated place to begin with, but at the same time, people should have the right to choose. I know in China, and probably other countries, they have places limits on the number of children that a person can have, which i don't believe is fair. But i also don't believe that people should just keep having more and more children just to carry on the family name. Or, as is sometimes a problem inthe US, to get more and more money from the government. (i am not passing judgement on those who recieve help form our government, but i have heard of and seen people who have more kids just so they can bring in more money per month, which i don't think is fair to us as taxpayers, let alone to the children who aren't really wanted by their parents except for the fact that they bring in a paycheck)
@fruitcakeliz (2639)
• United States
22 Jul 09
Well now, that is an interesting comment but i don't see how it relates at all to the subject of the conversation. Thanks, but don't respond if you don't have something to add.
