How do you ever really have closure with someone you thought was your friend?
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (167211)
Boise, Idaho
July 26, 2009 3:13am CST
I recently ended a friendship of twenty-five years. It is a long story and I have included the discussion links for anyone that didn't read this before or that may not remember it. DUH!!!!
1. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1973900.aspx [4 months ago]
2. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2024913.aspx [2 months ago]
3. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2042403.aspx [1 month ago]
4. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2048250.aspx [1 month ago]
I prize friendships. They are of the utmost importance to me. I had two very good and long time friendships about a month ago. Now I only have one. I still think this whole thing is so bizarre and hurtful and rediculous and strange. I will never fully understand it and there fore I will never fully have closure. I cannot believe she would betray me like this. Tonight I was watching a movie where two men were having to say goodbye and it touched me. [Dances With Wolves] It brought the tears I hadn't until now been able to bring to the surface. Until now there was just anger and disbelief. She and I had talked in depth over the years about our positions on men, self-respect, treatment of others, relationships, friendship, trust, and all the things that go into a really good well rounded friendship. There were times I wondered about things. She sometimes was secretive and not real forth coming. I respected those times and I didn't push. Now I wish I had. I wonder if the times I was not too sure she was telling the truth or when she by passed things and I wondered if she perhaps had some deep rooted problems she wouldn't or couldn't talk about if that wasn't truly the case.
Anyway, soon after all this with that guy came down I get an email from him making reference to something my supposedly great friend had just told him. Something very negative,hurtful and untrue. I immediately emailed her and asked her if she had infact talked to him and if so what had been said. She emailed me back and would not tell me what had been said between the two of them and went into a tyraid about how badly I had acted in all this. Now she had earlier been kidding around with me about the revenge I had gotten on him. And, get a load of this, she even went so far as to accuse me of stealing from her when I had stayed with her recently. I cannot even begin to tell you how shocked, hurt and dumbfounded I was. After thinking about it for awhile and getting several emails from her threatening to file papers with the authorities if I didn't get the things she accused me of stealing back to her. [#4 above explains this.]I was so hurt and angry about my friend accusing me of theft while living in her home. I was so shccked!!!! I ended the friendship because I will not be falsely accused or treated in this manner by anyone, especially not by her. A friendship I prized up until then and had for so many years. Now I wonder how real she had been. How often the questionable things had been lies and that she was demented all along. The hard thing is I will never know. Did she really think I took something? Did she want to win his approval so badly that she lied to him to make her look like the victim and me the louse? All this having come down at the same time. He and I breaking up, her accusing me, and them having talked to him and her refusing to tell me what was said.
So, my question is did I just enter the Twilight Zone or what? There are so many questions I will never have answered. I know I didn't steal anything from her and I am relatively sure she knows that. So why in the world would she do this? He wasn't her type. The only thing she even liked about him was his photography. How do you ever really have closure with someone you thought was your friend?
8 responses
@GardenGerty (160721)
• United States
27 Jul 09
A phrase I like is "Build a bridge and get over it." Your closure may have to be that at least she is not fooling you anymore, and that you did at least wise up.
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
26 Jul 09
Ya, I think you are right. Suck it up and move on! Hurts.
1 person likes this
@ylylbin (17)
• China
26 Jul 09
Hello,celticeagle!I am very sorry to hear your situation! I think I am very lucky because my friends are very kind! I have never closure with my good friends! I hope you will be happy although you lost you friend! I think your friend are wrong!
So you should not blame youself! You should accept this fact that you have lost your friend! Best wishe,friends!
2 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
26 Jul 09
I am not sure that it ever does close, I think it just perhaps becomes less painful over time, less thought about. Its funny, I remember your discussions starting on this and now reading this one I too very recently have been treated so badly by someone I had considered a close friend. It hurts in a way that I dont think anyone can understand unless they have been there, and to this moment in time I still have no clue as to why I was treated so badly all I know is that it has affected me so much I have lost over half a stone in a week. You may never know the answer to your questions, she may not know the answers herself I know I will probably never know, and the way I feel now I just cant be bothered to try and find out so this one will probably never have closure.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Jul 09
I think you have stated some real pearls of wisdom here my dear. She may never know herself. That is so true! I was a good friend to her too. There will come a time she will miss my hugs when she was down and my ear when she was frustrated with work or what ever. I was there for her! She and I were so close or I though we were that I would never have suspected any of this going on in her. I thought we were so much alike. But I would neve treat a friend this way. It just isn't in me. I am certainly sorry you have been through this too for I would never wish this on anyone. Our friends are our stepping stones in this life. They help us get through the worst and celebrate the best with us. It is just undescribable for me to express how empty I feel. I am so fortunate to have other friends and I am sure glad I didn't put all my cherries in one bowl.
@Anne18 (11029)
•
9 Apr 12
To have closure with someone you thought was your freind just try not ot have contact with that person, or have as little contact as possible and hope your paths widen so much that you don't see each other anymore.
Don't understand your friend, people can be so selfish when they want something you have got.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
20 May 12
I think I have all the closure I am going to get over this. I have no contact with this person anymore. It just seems so weird. I wish I understood it better. I think I would feel better about it all if I did.
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
28 Jul 09
CE-
Friendships do come and go, it is a part of the cycle of the journey, however I know what you mean. I've had some friendships end that honestly kept trying to be there when there was no friendship at all. And it is difficult not to respond, though I've found it the best way to handle it. There are some sorts of people who cannot deal with not being the center of attention, or even in the center of your life that they do almost anything to get that spot. Some go as far as to change every piece of history to their own advantage, to the point that they no longer know what is their fabricated tale, and what is the harsh honest reality.
And where men are concerned, it seems that friendship can become ever so much more complicated. I had an experience early on in my friendship with my husband that ended a friendship very quickly. A friend, one whom I valued as a friend, did not like that my husband and I were growing so close. She did everything she could to convince me he was showing her affections, wanted her, and so forth. We were only friends at the time, so I had nothing to loose. However, when sharing this information with him, he was quite shocked to learn about this apparent "love", as he didn't know her very well other then a few hello's online, and didn't really care for her. When I questioned her, the friendship was over all because she couldn't live with the truth that this man had no interest in her. It was very hard at the time, and I even cried over the loss. Yet, I realized that I was not responsible for her. I wished her well and moved on with my life. Years later we connected again and she's moved on finding herself a wonderful husband.
Now, I have met some very mean people in my life who posed as friends and turned out to be very nefarious. And the entire online world adds to such mystery. I take friendships just as seriously as you do, yet I've learned a valuable lesson where online is concerned. Anyone can say anything, be anything they wish. We cannot expect others to be as open and honest. I am by no means saying that everyone online is like this. I am saying that we ourselves must be ready for the fact that some people are not what they appear to be. We must learn to shake it off, and take the true and real friends to heart. Those are the ones that do not do such things as this friend did to you. For a true friend would make ammends by telling the truth, even if it hurt. And in return we'd listen, take it in, and forgive them and move on as a true friend.
I wish you the best in this situation.
Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
28 Jul 09
Ah, yes that cycle of life. Like a Lion King rerun. I am just so sick of it, Anora.
I think she wanted to be the center of it all and be right at any cost.And for him to have believed her so readily. She is good. Some women are just too weird. Your friend sounds like a dimento I knew at one time. Had no scruples what so ever. I guess a month isn't that long to be hurting over this. I cared. Obviously none of it meant anything to her or him. It just hurts badly to have put so much store in someone and have her able to end it so easily. I even stayed with her once when she had some surgery and took care of her. I was up and down all night making sure her dressing was clean and that she had her pain meds. I am sure sorry your freind hurt you. Yes, I understand the online mystery and falsehoods. But, how can you talk to someone several time a day for hours and have him set it all up so brilliantly? I could hear the sencerity in his voice and the passion in his words. I could. I am trying to shake it off. Trying to learn to make that easy? I doubt that will ever happen. I am very thankful for the true friend down in Texas that has been my friend since I was in junior high and such as yourself. It is amazing to me how close I really feel to so many of you outstanding gals out there. I thank you friend for taking the time and telling it like it is in your world. Namaste back at ya.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
29 Jul 09
I don't think it ever truly goes away. I still have the memories. It is just that the heart and emotions connected stop being as strong in the negative sense. You begin to take what occured as a part of your journey, if that makes sense. Though, at the time I was going through my various experiences I can tell you they were difficult, hurtful, and when friends shared this with me I too couldn't wrap my mind around it. One month isn't that long at all. Some hurts take years. I'm still scarred from my first marriage which was abusive. You have my support friend.
Namaste-Anora
@vinay316 (300)
• India
26 Jul 09
Back stabbing and selfishness has grown to a higher level in friendships now. I have been cheated by a lot of people who I considered to be my friends,so now I am really careful before considering a person to be my friend and sharing my thoughts and secrets with the person.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
26 Jul 09
Oh yes. Me too. My gosh I knew this person, or thought I did,for twenty five years! This is part of what is killing me. If this was all a lie I shared with her for all this time! Ikes!
@GardenGerty (160721)
• United States
27 Jul 09
I imagine the questionable times were probably the true picture of her personality. I am sorry this happened to you. You are well off without the guy and also without this so called friend. I have had friends that were very dependent on me, and sometimes strange, but none that ever messed in my personal life that way, and none that accused me of stealing.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Jul 09
And that is one thing that really bothers me. That a person that had known me for so long, with whom I had shared so much would ever have accused me of stealing. And now I look back on it and feel she never really was my friend. I noticed she didn't have any friends besides me in that town. I made several while I was there. I feel sorry for her.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
26 Jul 09
I don't know if you will ever have "closure". It will be hard to trust another friend again. The thing to remember is that it's not your problem..it's her problem. She is the one that has to live with what she done to you. Sometimes people change over time and maybe that's what happened to her. Sometimes women are weak to having the attentions of a man that they can't have. Some are willing to risk everything to feel important. Even if she come back into your life with apologies and promises..would it really ever be like it was before? Moving forward and away from her is the best thing that I can suggest to you. You'll have to be the one that closes this thing.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167211)
• Boise, Idaho
26 Jul 09
Thank you. I don't think I will ever have closure. Trusting is really going to be an issue for me. She was one of my best friends. If she was just a friend and I didn't interact with her that much it wouldn't be so difficult. She was #2. We were both on the same wave length humor wise. We both felt the same about so many things. Now I wonder if that was all a lie. Just doesn't make sense. No it will never be like it was. I would never take her back as a friend. Who is to say, if I did, that she would accuse me of next. And I haven't put down in the discussion the whole of it. It is just too bizarre for words.